Desperately Trying to Move On - My Divorce from Mr WT Part 3 - It's Nearly OVER!

[TheFormidableMrsC]

I am so grateful to all of those who have followed and supported me throughout this bloody ordeal! I hope this will be the last one.one and it will be over very soon! Thread 1 : www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2030270-PLEASE-HELP-DESPERATE-AND-AWFUL-DIVORCE?
Thread 2 : www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2137545-Whos-Desperate-and-Awful-Now-Story-of-My-Divorce-from-Mr-WT-Part-2

mummytime, sorry I didn't answer your question, no DD hasn't started her A levels yet, she starts in September. She has a place but she is not staying on at school. However, what she is doing is pretty specific so some research will have to be done and quickly. It's not going to be easy...

I certainly didn't mean to offend you MrsC when I asked others to stop speaking about the alleged harassment and bail conditions.

I did recall you going through mediation and it failed (but I didn't know that it was limited to finance and not contact).

I'll go back to lurking!

Take care.

sadwidow28...oh goodness you didn't at all, not in the slightest! I am very very grateful for your support and all the lovely comments you make . Yes, mediation was an epic fail, he actually screwed up a cheque and threw it at the mediator. It was a complete waste of time. As he said himself "I just want my 50%". Not really mediating is it? He has suggested mediation in terms of DS but I am not hopeful, as you can imagine . I have to say, I have rarely come across anybody who has completed mediation successfully...nice idea and all that...!

Also, you're right to divert from the bail situation etc, I can't talk about it so it's probably best left for now

MrsC have you thought about mediation where the mediator goes from one room to the other? I will try to ask the MNetter to come onto this thread to tell you how she managed the mediation process to facilitate financial and child access arrangements. (She was also married to another Twunt-of-the-First-Order!)

In the mean-time, this is good referral point about how mediation should work: www.mediate.com/articles/Mediationfaq.cfm#whatismediation

I give it to you as information to fire back at MrWT who thinks that mediation and court orders are his to control

Shuttle mediation? I think that is the only way he'd do it. Thank you so much, that's really useful. If at all possible, could your MN contact PM me? Personally, I think it'll never happen...but we will wait and see...!

That's the one! I have put a shout-out the other thread to ask OP to come here.

I think I can PM her. Leave it with me.

With mediation if there has been any abuse it isn't always advisable.
I don't know if this has been covered so sorry if I'm repeating but if you phone parent line www.parentline.ie they may be able to put you in touch with the childrens legal centre who maybe able to offer advise/ can attend ( or used to be able to arrange) court etc.
This is based on my experiance ( when mediation training) 2-3 years ago.

Tutt it is joint-counselling that NOT advised where there has been abuse of any kind.

The courts are now asking that mediation for financial arrangements and child care arrangements are at least ATTEMPTED by mediation. However, this is not always possible - but one party should show that they are willing to mediate rather than bring down the wrath of the court!

If I understand all the information, WWT has been accepted as MrsC McKenzie friend by the court. WWT can also attend for mediation sessions - but CANNOT be the independent mediator (although she acted in that capacity during the first court hearing where MrWT and Pauline walked out smirking ..... and then they realised how they had given far too much away)

Nor joint mediation, joint counselling also.
When I trained this was the guidelines, so I am aware that it should be attempted, which it sounds like it has.

Glad MrsC has WWT but unless she is quailfied/has a personal interest/relationship then no she can't mediate.
I have read the other threads and think that MrsC and WWT are doing a great job but sometimes reading other things/making a call can help.

I have to say that WWK has now moved a very long way away and I think I would want to keep her out of that one in any event . Thankyou both Tutt and Sad. I do have outside agency contact and there is a MARAC referral in place.

Hello MrsC I am the person widow was referring to re: shuttle mediation.

My ex was a complete bastard throughout the whole divorce process - consistently delaying things, withholding information, in the end our divorce took 2.5 years.

Anyway, we were advised to try mediation, even though my solicitor was well aware my husband was a bully and highly manipulative. At that time i was in receipt of legal aid so I was told I needed to show willingness to mediate, even though it was likely to fail. I asked to do shuttle mediation, which was arranged for us (my ex was also relieved at this apparently, not surprising as he was also a complete coward). I still found this set up very very stressful - we were given separate arrival times, each time I got there I was asked to ring the receptionist before I went in to check he wasn't around (I was heavily pregnant during the first session), and I remember during the last session I sat in a horrible room and saw him turn up outside in a shiney new car. This was a man pleading poverty and debt, of course,...... Since he left I have only even seen him through that window and then finally in court, so you can imagine how stressful and also utterly surreal it all felt. Part of me thought 'There's X,.....' through the window, and then of course you realise you really don't know that person at all.

We had 3 sessions in the end. In the first 2 he ended up crying and moaning about how bad he felt and was incapable of putting anything forward decent as a compromise/way forward. It was all about him. Final session, which I reluctantly attended, lasted less than 15 minutes. Now it was down to the nitty gritty (i.e. money) he showed his true colours and got hard/nasty. Off the record the mediator said to me the only way I would get anywhere with him was to take him to court.

Personally I knew mediation would never work for us as my ex was a liar who had no desire to do 'the right thing'; he just wanted shot of me, our marriage, and 'our' DS as quickly and conveniently as possible. But his avoidance of addressing any of the issues meant this backfired as the whole thing took much longer because of his delaying. I remember I had counselling when he left and within weeks my counsellor said the only way to deal with people like my ex is through the courts. She was right.

Apologies if this isn't relevant, as I haven't read the full thread. Best wishes to you.

I don't think I'd be allowed back as MrsC's McKenzie friend Tutt - I'm a 'one-off' speciality!

Anyway, where the Little One is concerned, you want the parents to co-operate so me turning up would pretty much guarantee chaos!

You can be exempt from Mediation in very, very specific circumstances but it's not enough to say 'he's abusive'. There are some who can mediate and some who can't. I have known it to be very successful but it relies on BOTH people co-operating and wanting settlement, not one person bullying another.

In other words, two people need sufficient self-awareness and emotional intelligence. If only one has it, you're screwed.

So shuttle mediation, if you're opting for that, is bound to fail...it essentially is just forcing yourselves to through the 'motions' for the benefit of the court...who won't actually give a damn that it failed (it doesn't affect the outcome).

The benefit of shuttle mediation is that you won't have to be in the same room as him, MrsC, although, as Lou has said, you may catch sight of him arriving/leaving.

Just as you won't be able to have WWT onside, the evil old scumbag non-fragrant Pauline won't be present to stick her hand up his bum and put words into his mouth, albeit she may send him along with her handwritten orders instructions as to what he's allowed to say/agree to otherwise he won't find her KOKO when he returns to the lovenest.

In any event, MrC is so full of shit himself that it's probable any sessions you enter into will end in much the same way as Lou's experience and, even though he freely admits to having failed your ds and has paid lip-service to making it up to him, I suspect that any mediation in relation to contact will be all about MrC's needs and demands.

TrickyTreeLou, thank you so much for stopping by and posting. Goodness, your story appears almost identical to mine. I am approaching two years of this fuckwittery. I had similar comments from mediator and indeed my counsellor. Don't get me started on the "pleading poverty" thing. When my ex realised that I was serious about taking the court route, he said "I will take out a life insurance policy and make sure you're OK if anything happens to me". That was his offer of "settlement", no thought to the 2 1/2 year old child I had to bring up on income support because he had no intention of supporting him, indeed to this day, his maintenance is pitiful and I do wonder if he ever considers how I manage? Probably not. Utterly vile. As for the OW....words fail me. Anyway, I hope things are better for you now...sounds like you've had a similarly horrendous time .

WWK you are most definitely a "one off".... I think we know how successful it is likely to be, don't we?

Across...Tahiti...one can only imagine! Thanks for your lovely post. I am really not worried at all about relocating, I have never had a problem making friends or meeting people, I had to do it when we moved here. I am excited at the possibility of a fresh start...even though it is daunting in some respects

As soon as someone mentioned Shuttle Mediation I thought of TTL and then thought "that will end well"! But you have to play nice so that they can show themselves up.

They will always hang themselves if you give them enough rope.

not mentioning ropey old slapper, no not at all, not even a little bit

I have already told his solicitor that I am happy to attend mediation once this "situation" is concluded. I can't see how one can mediate with somebody who is making allegations of harassment. I do wish he'd actually accept that what he considers "harassment" is actually being challenged about his behaviour, the effect on both me and the children and pressing him to face up to his responsibilities. He doesn't want to be reminded of his epic failures in life so it is easier to run to the Police as functioning adults do

In other words, two people need sufficient self-awareness and emotional intelligence. If only one has it, you're screwed.

Of course, in all liklihood, if the two people were sufficiently self-aware and emotionally intelligent, they likely would have been able to sort their mess without assistance beyond a bit of legal advice.

Momagain1....never a truer word....!

Momagain1...indeed, never a truer word...

Sorry, so tired I posted twice. So so so tired but so unable to sleep....

Sorry, so tired I posted twice. So so so so tired but so unable to sleep

Yet more shenanigans to deal with and overcome lovely Mrsc here's a message of support involving our mascot and good luck charm....

So sorry for yet more shenanigans to overcome lovely Mrsc, here's a message of support from our mascot and favourite good luck charm... I'm awake as well, it would have been my 27 th wedding anniversary today....

Delurking briefly just to say I'm glad to have found your thread again and wish you the very best for as good as possible conclusion in your dealing with all this fuckwittery.

It's to be hoped the fuckwit he has insured his life as, until such time as the Absolute is granted, you stand to inherit all his worldly goods, MrsC, and will have the pleasure grievous task of disposing of his earthly remains as you see fit in accordance with what you know to have not been his wishes.