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Who's Desperate and Awful Now....Story of My Divorce from Mr WT...Part 2....

(1000 Posts)
MrsC1969HJ Sat 19-Jul-14 20:44:11

Having reached a 1000 posts, I can hardly believe we are moving onto Thread 2...I have had the most amazing ongoing support from so many and I will always be eternally grateful. Link to Thread 1 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2030270-PLEASE-HELP-DESPERATE-AND-AWFUL-DIVORCE?

MrsC1969HJ Sat 19-Jul-14 20:55:23

We're here! Bring it on!! grin xx

pointythings Sat 19-Jul-14 20:57:00

Hellooooo lovely MrsC. What a long journey you have had, and how different you are now! Let's hope this is a thread full of onwards and upwards and better things for you and your lovely DC. flowerscakewine

nespressofan Sat 19-Jul-14 20:59:32

YAY! Hello strong and lovely lady. Onwards and upwards!

LBZT Sat 19-Jul-14 21:32:48

Hi mrsc in reference to the twice weekly visits, what I meant was it takes more than that to be a dad in the sense that a real father would understand and support DS mother communicate and bend over backwards to make life as easy as poss because he would know that makes DS life better.
Mrfw is sending negative messages to your son on how to treat people (women in particular) and how he is unable to put DS above his own comfort and needs. I know that you cannot change him. That is why I suggested contact center then relate because all you have done is said no not this way, MRfw has then said OK this way then and you have said yes Ok. Mrfw breathes again and then bides his time till the next stunt. I may be harsh but I would have gone further in the interests of long term in that I would set the rules, bounderies now and even if it meant contact center for a few months it would mean long term Mrfw would know that he can't pull these stunts because you mean business. You could well be setting yourself up for years of this crap otherwise and DS will become more and more aware
I know I am ranting a bit but you have won the "immediate battle" and not the war. You have the ability to make mrfw dance to your tune now, don't throw it away until you are sure he will "play nicely"
I hope i make sense and that maybe there is something in here for you to think on.

inlectorecumbit Sat 19-Jul-14 22:00:48

Checking in MrsC
For your small victory of the week wine we will keep the champers when we win the war.

MrsC1969HJ Sat 19-Jul-14 22:09:26

Pointy and nespressofan, thank you SO much for checking in! You're LOVELY :-)

LBZT..oh God, no I totally hear you, I think I am going to have years of shit with him about this. The truth is, I don't want to go back to the contact centre...I would only do this if there was a refusal to be contactable and I thought DS was unsafe. It was HIDEOUS there, I have a friend who has been doing this for 9 months now, her kids are totally screwed up with the whole thing...they are so small and think that daddy lives in this bloody place and they scream and cry every time. They take your child from you to take to the other parent, it is so distressing. I only did it for a few weeks and could see the effect on DS from the start. It is good from a safety POV, certainly when there are drugs and sexual abuse involved...thankfully the sexual abusers are kept separately from other parents, but you know when they are shuffled into another room...just horrendous. Please don't think that I am going to let him "get off", I won't. What I do know is that Mr WT is struggling to deal with it at all and I think that twice a week is as much as he can handle. He knows in his heart that if he could just walk away he would. He can't. He loves DS, that is clear, but it fucks with his head totally. I do think that if he was away from OW things would be easier. I still maintain, as do my PIL's, that contact will cease within a few months. He just can't cope. You only have to look at him...he is empty, a shell, fat and bloated from alcohol. I do hope all of this was worth it. I know that I am in for a long and possibly a lifetime of battles with him but I can deal with that as long as he sticks to the routine and keeps DS happy and safe. Even at 3, DS knows the days that Daddy is coming. I just wish he had his Daddy here and things were normal. But, it wasn't to be. I won't be agreeing to extra contact, I won't be allowing contact with OW or her sprog...and I won't do anything that upsets DS's routine. I think that's the right way to go? I love you for your honesty and plain speaking my darling, thank you :-) xxxxx

MrsC1969HJ Sat 19-Jul-14 22:10:43

Inlectorecumbit, thank you my darling! smile, look forward to the bubbles! Oh how lovely it would be to have a thread meet up, that would be amazing one day! x

WellWhoKnew Sat 19-Jul-14 23:05:49

Hello love,

Just checking in, so I can find you again.

<stalker alert>

In the interim, KOKO.

WWK.

Onmyownwith4kids Sat 19-Jul-14 23:36:13

Keep going. You're amazing have been following the ups and downs. You'll come out triumphant! X

MrsC1969HJ Sat 19-Jul-14 23:41:54

WWK...we'll catch up tomorrow :-) x

Onmyown...I was thinking about you last night and we haven't been in touch in ages...will mail you...hope all OK my darling xxxx

inlectorecumbit Sun 20-Jul-14 00:08:13

OK MrsC will hold you to that. A meet up with champagne when this is all over and twunt is dead and buried (not literally but as good as)wink is a good plan !!!

PS you probably realise l have had a wee bit of a problem trying to name change back blush

Thefuturesparkles Sun 20-Jul-14 03:15:04

MrsC I have been following your posts you are amazing and you are doing so well. I'm going through such a hard time, but you have excelled in such a short space of time and i feel empowered in my situation when i read what you are going through and see how you are handling things with such integrity and class. My stbx changed when my father died. He abused me emotionally and financially. He convinced me to pay off his debts with my inheritance and move me and my young kids abroad and left us there two weeks later. I know what you're going through. I to have no idea who my ex has now become and he is also with another woman. We are now back in the UK and it is two years on for us but we are only just divorcing and it has been an awful journey. I think my ex has an narcissistic personality disorder and it sounds like your's has too there is loads of helpful info on the net on how to try and co parent with such disorders, have a read and see if you think he fits. It may not work for you at this moment but when you are further along pretend your ex doesn't exist then everything he throws your way is a bonus. Hide your life as much as you can as if he sees that you're happy he will want to put the boot in. With visitation pretend you want the opposite to what you want and he will try and do the opposite of what you want so you eventually you get what you want, I hope that makes sense. Silence is your key weapon when they start to back you into a corner, silence scares them, they start to worry what you are up to and they usually alter their approach. I to have a son with additional needs he is 5 and has a server global delay. He can only put a couple of words together, he gets frustrated and has a limited understanding. You can do this. You are doing this. You're kicking ass. When they lash out at you that means you have touched a nerve, you have scared them. Everything they are calling you is projection they are talking about themselves. Make sure you treat yourself. Every time my ex is out of order or tries to make me feel like shit which is often, usually this happens most weeks I make sure that i treat the kids and I in return. It's usually flowers for me and a cheap DVD for the kids it doesn't have to be expensive, then when I arrange the flowers and watch a film with the kids I say to myself thanks again ass holes. It really works. It gets amusing because you end up treating yourself all the time. It could be a glass of wine, listening to a favourite song but each time make sure you say thank you to the dickheads as in my head its a silent apology from them. They end up in some weird way giving you therapy. I promise it does work. This week I've had shit off my ex threatening to stop maintenance, received a letter off an outstanding debt of his £6,500 that he has ignored all my texts about and now they are threatening bailiffs and he fucked up his visitation this week which resulted in me having flowers, tea out with the kids, a bottle of wine, DVDs for kids and a party on Saturday night for close friends and the kids friends. See this way the shit weeks end up being the best. I'm a bit tipsy so I hope this makes sense. You're doing fab. I'ts a roller coaster ride but it will eventually feel like a walk in the park. Think as each task is completed its another door shut in their face. Loads of love. Feel empowered. Xxxxx

AcrossthePond55 Sun 20-Jul-14 05:59:28

Budge over, ladies. Sorry I'm late to the party, but the time difference...you know.

Glad DS visit went well and that Mr WT is being more cooperative. Wonder who knocked some sense into him. I see he's returning to the 'poor pitiful me' act. Whatever, Mr WT, MrsC has seen that before. At least it makes him easier to deal with.

50ShadesofGreyMatter Sun 20-Jul-14 08:32:39

I've found you again after lurking and then losing you on the other thread, I can't add anything better than what others have said before, but I'm wishing you well and cheering you on from the Antipodes, having gone thru a pretty desperate and awful time myself some years ago smile

Thefuturesparkles Sun 20-Jul-14 10:39:28

MrsC I have been following your posts you are amazing and you are doing so well. I'm going through such a hard time, but you have excelled in such a short space of time and i feel empowered in my situation when i read what you are going through and see how you are handling things with such integrity and class. My stbx changed when my father died. He abused me emotionally and financially. He convinced me to pay off his debts with my inheritance and move me and my young kids abroad and left us there two weeks later. I know what you're going through. I to have no idea who my ex has now become and he is also with another woman. We are now back in the UK and it is two years on for us but we are only just divorcing and it has been an awful journey. I think my ex has an narcissistic personality disorder and it sounds like your's has too there is loads of helpful info on the net on how to try and co parent with such disorders, have a read and see if you think he fits. It may not work for you at this moment but when you are further along pretend your ex doesn't exist then everything he throws your way is a bonus. Hide your life as much as you can as if he sees that you're happy he will want to put the boot in. With visitation pretend you want the opposite to what you want and he will try and do the opposite of what you want so you eventually you get what you want, I hope that makes sense. Silence is your key weapon when they start to back you into a corner, silence scares them, they start to worry what you are up to and they usually alter their approach. I to have a son with additional needs he is 5 and has a server global delay. He can only put a couple of words together, he gets frustrated and has a limited understanding. You can do this. You are doing this. You're kicking ass. When they lash out at you that means you have touched a nerve, you have scared them. Everything they are calling you is projection they are talking about themselves. Make sure you treat yourself. Every time my ex is out of order or tries to make me feel like shit which is often, usually this happens most weeks I make sure that i treat the kids and I in return. It's usually flowers for me and a cheap DVD for the kids it doesn't have to be expensive, then when I arrange the flowers and watch a film with the kids I say to myself thanks again ass holes. It really works. It gets amusing because you end up treating yourself all the time. It could be a glass of wine, listening to a favourite song but each time make sure you say thank you to the dickheads as in my head its a silent apology from them. They end up in some weird way giving you therapy. I promise it does work. This week I've had shit off my ex threatening to stop maintenance, received a letter off an outstanding debt of his £6,500 that he has ignored all my texts about and now they are threatening bailiffs and he fucked up his visitation this week which resulted in me having flowers, tea out with the kids, a bottle of wine, DVDs for kids and a party on Saturday night for close friends and the kids friends. See this way the shit weeks end up being the best. I'm a bit tipsy so I hope this makes sense. You're doing fab. I'ts a roller coaster ride but it will eventually feel like a walk in the park. Think as each task is completed its another door shut in their face. Loads of love. Feel empowered. Xxxxx

springydaffs Sun 20-Jul-14 12:34:56

Checking in! <high 5s>

Sorry you're having such a tough time sparkles xx

captainmummy Sun 20-Jul-14 12:52:09

sparkles what a great idea (twice grin) I'm going to nick that, totally. Every time I get a knock back (work, in my case) I'm going to treat myself! Glass of something, new shoes... ?

MrsC - you are doing so well. He really does seem to have thrown everything away - for what? OW and her dc. She is, I think, welcome to him. Wonder how long before she looks at him and thinks 'actually, I've got the booby prize' ?? grin And throws him back in the pond...

LBZT Sun 20-Jul-14 12:59:38

mrsc so pleased my blunt post didn't offend you. I did feel like I was overstepping the mark as I was referring to your son's interest and I didn't want to offend you as a parent.
I think captainmummys right at some point someone will walk into OW life and turn her head as it's quite clear from her actions she is fickle and clearly loyalty isn't part of her make up! I hope that this happens sooner rather than later for you as I think co-parenting will become far easier for you both.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 20-Jul-14 14:41:31

Yes captain I too think OW is a classic case of 'careful what you wish for, you may get it'.

growingolddicustingly Sun 20-Jul-14 16:08:13

and I found you! Whoop, whoop.

flowers
wine
brew
cake

Help yourself to any or all of the above MrsC

And DocMcStuffins is all present and correct too. Looking forward to the next 1000 posts and seeing just how far MrsC travels on her journey.

As the last thread was full, I went back and reread the first post. My god woman, can you see how far you have travelled already? The woman posting the last message of the thread was almost unrecognisable from the first!

lovesmycake Mon 21-Jul-14 08:30:48

Ooooh de-lurking onto a new thread. Still cheering you on and looking forward to seeing how your strength and grace will bring Mr WT to his knees. smile

Thefuturesparkles Mon 21-Jul-14 20:21:05

Hi Springydaffs - thank you. Captain - I hope it works for you. I'm fine. I just wanted to let MrsC know she is doing so well. Eventually MrsC with every step you take you will get stronger and stronger. Just take one step at a time. I'm at the stage now that everyday is getting better and better. You don't realise MrsC and all you strong ladies that have posted how much support you have given others that may have read your posts and not commented that are going through similar circumstances. I felt so empowered by you all. I kicked ass today regarding stbx debt spoke to his accountant I've seemed to have sorted it. This thread is really empowering. MrsC and everyone that's posted deserve so much praise. Keep it up. This might have already been mentioned but your son MrsC should be entitled to disability and you should get cares allowance I do for my son it's a huge help, ask at the job centre for the forms. the forms are a pain to fill in but you can get someone to come to your home and help you. Just make sure you photo copy all medical appointments and reports and send them with the forms. If you get medium support from them you can then contact tax credits and inform them and they will increase your money too. You can also get grants as well to help you with other things for your son too. Sorry if I'm repeating what someone might have already mentioned. Keep pushing on. Xxxx

Lambzig Mon 21-Jul-14 22:36:37

Have just read all your posts on the previous thread. What an absolute shocker of a story.

Just wanted to say well done and that you are amazing. No longer desperate and awful indeed.

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