DH takes coke, can't cope with pressure of life, just flipped and walked out door

[chocolatedrops31]

No LTB please
We have 3 small children and are seriously in love. When we met I knew he wasn't your 'run of the mill' guy. He's very warm and passionate but occasionally gets mad. He is the sole earner at the moment and finds the pressure enormously difficult. He doesn't like living where we live. Most of the time he is a great father and husband but sometimes finds the stress of having a young family too much. For the last 2 years he's been dabbling in coke and this clearly affects his mood. He's just gone back to it after a lovely month long break during which our relationship has been wonderful. He's now back on it. Tonight he was working ..I dressed nice, made dinner, and made a sad face when he said he'd continue working after dinner..a sad face, that's it. He flipped, saying I didn't understand the pressure he was under, all I wanted was more, more sex, more attention. It makes him want to run away..stay late at work etc. he left the house without his phone and is gone. He knows that that will cause me immense stress. He doesn't recognise that the coke causes mood swings..and he won't handle an ultimatum well. I just don't know what to do..last night and today we were all lovey dovey..holding hands..flirting and then he flips. Any advice on how to deal with this situation welcome

Duplo so was I. I kind of hope that someone might be lurking on this thread who is closer to making the LTB step and the blunt statements help them do it. It took blunt statements in the end for me to give up on a loved one.

Do you/did you ever take coke with him?

Er... I've known loads of people who do coke and there is no way they are completely fully functioning. Especially the ones with kids, it is always the ones who have childish issues about 'their freedom'

It's very patronising to assume everyone here gets their drug education from the daily mail.

My sister was married to a coke head and when she'd got over the rock and roll glamour he turned out to be an aggressive sad bastard who never grew up.

my replies on this situation have been based on the behaviour of this man and the coping mechanisms of this woman. ....not some fictional scenario from the daily mail

OP people on this thread are frustrated because your husband needs help. You are not helping him. You are enabling him.

1st July. What a load of bollocks. It's too hard now? When 1st July comes, that will be 'now'. Why will it be any easier.
I am an addict (clean 7 years). My fucking god, the number of times I said I'd stop on a certain date. The date was always in the future. It never comes until you say 'now'. If his promise to stop means anything, he will stop right now. This minute.

How dare you assume that our knowledge about cocaine comes from the DM.
Close friends of mine have had their families destroyed by this crap. One of them started just for shits and giggles and is now in prison for the 3rd time. His kids are in therapy. And that's not even the worst story.

chocolate first off, he's lying to you about the amount of drugs he takes.
i took coke recreationally (years ago when i was young, free and single) and you never have just have 1 or 2 lines a day. that just does not happen. it doesn't.

his coke issue will only worsen.
this is an absolute LTB from me.

And by the way, the losing of a health issue is not his motivation for giving up. You've said that yourself. The only way you can help him is by leaving, putting your children first and ensuring that he makes a choice for himself. As for what that choice is, you have no control. Hopefully he will make the right one. But he won't do it for you and he won't do it with you there.
These are the facts.
Good luck.

Guy when I worked in rehab we used to say that addicts reached rock bottom when they ran out of money and resources or out of their health. Much better to be a poor addict than a rich one because rich ones would come to us very close to death in some cases.

Very simplistic but there is something about what kind of consequences addicts face.

mrsterry
I was financially involved with a millionaire coke addict, he lost his family, his wife, his car, his business, his nose, his sanity but yet the coke was still going up the remainder of his nose. He had drug dealers knocking at his childs door. I absolutely agree, the millions he spent ruining himself was sickening. He left a trail of distruction from his poor wife, his child, his parents, his brothers, poor employees one who didn't eat for 4 days as he hadn't been paid.
I have no idea what happened to him but the spiral was awful

It is awful what people do to themselves. Coke is a horrible drug.

He'll stop on July first? Why not today, now? So he can have one last binge week, that's why.
in that week, he will be doing as much blow as he can. He will be at risk of a heart attack. Will he be driving? Will he be around your kids? At work? He'll be a danger to himself and others. And then he won't just be able to quit on July first... He'll have had a week of ever higher intake under his belt so stopping will be harder.

I know you love him, but put your kids first. Living with an addict WILL harm them. You have some very serious choices to make. Yoga isn't going to cut the mustard here. He needs to know you're serious about putting your children first. Ultimatum time - them or the drug.

You might want to read Rachel's Holiday by Marian Keyes. It's a razor-sharp portrayal of an addict (as well as being absolutely hilarious). If you want you can choose to say oh well Rachel is loads worse than my DH (true) but you will find a lot of the behavioural traits, particularly this bargaining "I'll stop on July 1st" (WTF) familiar.

If his family is important to him, he'll stop now. He's not ready to quit. And you can't make him, unfortunately. You try not to take him for granted but what's he doing if not expecting you'll stick around whilst he snorts the family's cash?

Please be careful. I've been married twice, first time ( I was very young ) was to an older guy who " dabbled " in coke.
Long story short he kicked me unconscious in a coke and drink fuelled rage after I left him. Yes AFTER. He then instantly calmed down when I came to on the pavement. It is an evil drug that in my experience eats away at a users empathy and self control. Sorry, it's a LTB from me too

The vast majority of people (never mind parents) who are in a stressful job don't alleviate that pressure by doing class A drugs on a daily basis.

There seems to be a fixation with the amount here "a few lines" however it's the frequency that's the big red flag.

He's taking a substance that is altering his emotional state, perception of risk and ability to make rational decisions every day both in the workplace and at home.

Posters are not trying to be aggressive - they are trying to enable you to understand the severity of the situation - one your DH has profoundly underplayed to you.

The key point here is that his anxiety, mood swings and stress are all being caused by the drug he is taking to alleviate the same symptoms.

It's perfect circle of logic for the addict as the symptoms continue to justify the dependence.

Wackadoodle, thank you! It's very hard to take others advice because it's starting from the wrong premise..yes this really is 1-2 lines a day and yes he has gone long periods of time without it and no he's not physically dangerous to me or the kids..no he will not now go on a week long binge because that's not who he is. He is a sensitive, lovely, caring, hard working man who does have an addiction. That addiction however does remain at the level I've described. He has taken more on 'party' occasions..I would say once every 3 months..I've been there and we are talking 4 lines. He acknowledges that whereas he used to buy 1 gram a month, it is now 2 grams and this is a worrying trend. He will admit the problem but on other occasions will say it's ok, because he is a functioning addict -he can still perform-but it just helps him perform certain tasks. I know there is a big problem and he needs to quit..but blowing it all out of proportion and describing me as a bad mother and him a mega danger to his kids just is ignorant of the facts as they are right now. I know he needs to stop because it is likely to get worse and worse and because of the health implications and because it adversely affects his behaviour towards me on occasion and because it's just not good to be taking this every day..but using judgement heavy words like 'junky' and attacking me is just kicking me when I'm already down and is not serving a purpose

you're not a bad mother.

he's not a 'mega-danger to his kids' yet, unless they are in the car when he is drug-driving, which it sounds like he does. Of course he is a lethal menace to himself and everyone else on the road.

Yellow tulips, thanks I do appreciate that cycle now and I'm not sure he's aware of it

OP you're getting a hard time here because you're in denial.

You are minimising, minimising, minimsing!

It IS a huge problem.

If we believe your addicted husband, his drug use has DOUBLED in 2 years.

Do you have any idea of your family finances?

What happens if he DOESNT stop next week? (And I agree with PP if he had any intention to stop, he'd do it Now) You won't kick him out, will you?

What is your line in the sand? What is The End for you?

I don't think you are a bad mother - the fact you are posting at all is a sign that you know there is a problem.

However I do think, perhaps as this has gone on so long you are somewhat desensitised to the scale of the problem?

His usage is significant by any standards simply because of the frequency. Coke is always in his system.

I'd also think about the term "functioning addict" - what is that? What does it really mean? He goes to work? He is able to restrict his mood swings to his wife? His monthly spend doesn't exceed a certain amount? The health impacts have not caught up with him yet?

At what points does he become a dysfunctional addict?

But he takes cocaine regularly means he is a junkie. He might not look like your idea of one but he is.

You say you are going back to work. What would happen if you got held up and he ended up looking after your dc. If he gets stressed and has to stick stuff up his nose to alleviate his stress what would happen to your dc if he is out of it?

Oliversmumsarmy..that wouldn't happen. As I say his usage is controlled. We had a chat on the phone and he reiterated 1 July 'unless I change my mind' I told him that I won't and have felt the same way always. He then said 'well why not now..why 1 July' I agreed ..when he comes home I'll say it again that it should be now. I totally know that it's a problem that he's giving full responsibility to me for this but if I leave it to him to make the decision he won't quit. If I threaten to leave then he will quit but again that'll be for me. I am worried that mind games are in play here and that he will say I'm being a 'controlling' wife but it is what it is.

One to two lines a day is more like 2g a week not a month.

I think you can reason this through as much as you like, but what it boils down to is:

He doesn't want to stop
You don't think it's bad enough to leave

Therefore:

He won't stop
You won't leave.

Then eventually something will happen, probably involving one of the kids and either

He'll stop
or
You'll leave.

But you'll both have to hit rock bottom first.

You aren't in control here and neither is he. Cocaine is.

He's agreed to stop and that's a start but you need a plan B.

You could be part of a small minority where there is a happy ending- but don't bank in it.

It's likely he will either relapse or simply hide his usage.

What will you do then? You can only threaten to leave once. Then you have to do it - otherwise it's a green light to continue the behaviour.

If you want to stay and support him you are going to have to be 2 or 3 steps ahead of the game here and have a very clear line in the sand that you will not back down from.