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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH takes coke, can't cope with pressure of life, just flipped and walked out door

464 replies

chocolatedrops31 · 22/06/2015 20:36

No LTB please
We have 3 small children and are seriously in love. When we met I knew he wasn't your 'run of the mill' guy. He's very warm and passionate but occasionally gets mad. He is the sole earner at the moment and finds the pressure enormously difficult. He doesn't like living where we live. Most of the time he is a great father and husband but sometimes finds the stress of having a young family too much. For the last 2 years he's been dabbling in coke and this clearly affects his mood. He's just gone back to it after a lovely month long break during which our relationship has been wonderful. He's now back on it. Tonight he was working ..I dressed nice, made dinner, and made a sad face when he said he'd continue working after dinner..a sad face, that's it. He flipped, saying I didn't understand the pressure he was under, all I wanted was more, more sex, more attention. It makes him want to run away..stay late at work etc. he left the house without his phone and is gone. He knows that that will cause me immense stress. He doesn't recognise that the coke causes mood swings..and he won't handle an ultimatum well. I just don't know what to do..last night and today we were all lovey dovey..holding hands..flirting and then he flips. Any advice on how to deal with this situation welcome

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatedrops31 · 23/06/2015 16:03

Then I'd have to get him to move out because he wouldn't be taking it seriously..it'd be proof that it's all lie

OP posts:
Wannabestepfordwife · 23/06/2015 16:03

Op I'm sorry if my post was a bit harsh but you seem like a genuinely sweet person and I would hate for your dh's addiction to have life changing consequences for you.

In your posts you sound like you try really hard to be the perfect wife. Do you suffer with low self esteem/worth?

Original poster
chocolatedrops31 · 23/06/2015 16:06

We both try hard to not fall into the trap of taking each other for granted so yes I do go to efforts to be the 'perfect wife' but we both suffer from frustration at normal life, ie feeling a bit trapped with young kids, inability to be free..travel etc. it all gets a bit boring which I guess is another reason he takes coke

OP posts:
Morporkia · 23/06/2015 16:07

Choc.. shall i tell you roughly how it's going to go next wednesday? you'll say. it's the first of july, he'll say ok, but i still have a little bit left. i don't want to waste money. i'll just finish this off over the next few days and stop properly on monday. monday is the best day to give things up...you'll probably agree to this, because hey, whats a couple more days and we don't want to waste money right? .. this scenario is ok when you are talking about chocolate biscuits in the cupboard.

Wannabestepfordwife · 23/06/2015 16:08

By taking coke your dh is taking you and your love for granted though

nicknack9510 · 23/06/2015 16:10

If social services find out about the drug use you will both be tested and he will be asked to leave the family home. If he doesn't go, the children will be placed in care. In addition to this, he will be required to pass a drugs test to have supervised access to your children.

I understand that you don't want to ltb, but I think you need to ask him to move out until he has got and stayed clean. You can continue your relationship and provide support but still protect your children.

Alternatively, if you are adamant about putting your husband first, see if a family member will take your children until your husband is clean. This will have a negative effect on their attachment to you, but you need to protect them one way or another.

Original poster
chocolatedrops31 · 23/06/2015 16:12

I think he will stop on 1 July but he will probably go back to it. As I say he's stopped before..it's resisting the lure of it ..and I guess that's where counselling could help

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 23/06/2015 16:12

I am guessing op you live in a nice house and have a nice life style but are the much lower earner whilst your dh is a high earner and the thought of leaving and throughing yourself and your dc on the mercy of the local council would be too much to bare.
I think also you see your dh as a high earner who works in an office and goes to work in a suit and tie and don't associate him with the drugged out men sleeping in doorways you see. But they are no different.

I think you have 2 choices.

  1. Stay and try and help him to get clean but there is a high probability you lose your children. The fact, if you believe him, that you found his stash, regardless of where it was puts your dc in danger.
  1. Throw him out till he gets clean. You keep your dc and you base your life on reality not this false life you are presenting to the world.
specialsubject · 23/06/2015 16:15

too late, but you have to give things up (freedom, easy travel) when you have kids. And that is the choice you made. Sorry.

Wannabestepfordwife · 23/06/2015 16:20

I think you need to look at counselling for yourself as well you can do better than someone who is putting drugs before you and your children and I'm sure you can cope without him you just need to have more self belief

formidable · 23/06/2015 16:21

He needs NA, not counselling.

thatsshallot · 23/06/2015 16:29

choc my heart is breaking for you but please please read and understand posts about losing your children, this is a massive safeguarding issue esp if it comes out you knew but did nothing to protect them. If nothing else consider this

captainproton · 23/06/2015 16:32

Ok a lot of us have been in your shoes whether it be drugs or alcohol. If you haven't lived it it's hard to take in that cutting addicts adrift is the only way to save them.

Flushing the drugs, well yes his reaction could be dangerous how about getting some family support. Go through the whole house, every shirt pocket, book, drawer etc. seeing is believing, then you will all know the full scale of the problem. confront him together then suggest flushing it? See how he reacts without doing it?

Vivacia · 23/06/2015 16:37

Or, stop worrying about him and his shirts and drawers and start worrying about your children.

captainproton · 23/06/2015 16:43

Thatsshallot is right, you will be seen as an unfit mother, and you are by the way.

Wolfiefan · 23/06/2015 16:51

Counselling won't help if he isn't determined to get clean.
You may well love hi to bits and he may well be your soul mate. Your kids don't deserve to be around someone off their face on illegal drugs. If SS find out I imagine there could be serious consequences. When you have kids they come first. What if one of them found his stash?

Wolfiefan · 23/06/2015 16:51

Him not hi

duplodon · 23/06/2015 17:02

Some of these posts are terribly unkind, and unhelpful. Telling someone who is in the throes of codependency that they are an unfit mother/failing as a mother because they can't see the situation they're in doesn't make one bit of positive difference. You have to meet people where they are. The OP is new to even thinking about this being a problem, that's where she is. She's in a lot of denial, true. When people are in denial of difficult emotions, what do you think they are most likely to do if you tell them their life is a shambles and they are fundamentally failing and/or unworthy? Deny that, shut down, avoid, enable. So how does it help, exactly?

thatsshallot · 23/06/2015 17:08

duplodon I did not say that but all the OPs posts have mentioned only how it affects her and him, which whilst obviously important ignores the potential implications for the children of inaction. I am not berating her but trying to get her to reframe

AnyFucker · 23/06/2015 17:09

if he really wanted to stop he would stop right now, today

not reward himself with another week of sanctioned drug taking

I would also consider him at high risk of OD this week as he throws caution to the wind, justifying one more line and one more for the road. ..

captainproton · 23/06/2015 17:10

Duplo, OP is in denial, she is refusing to seek RL help, losing her children is a very real possibility and perhaps the only way some people get to see how serious a situation they are in. Whatever is said harsh or not I doubt very much OP is ready to kick her DH out she is far too dependent on him, and possibily to ashamed to tell anyone in RL that her fairytale life is a sham.

captainproton · 23/06/2015 17:18

The children are too often overlooked in situations like this, they have zero choice

duplodon · 23/06/2015 17:30

I know that story captain, I was that child. I just don't think the stick works when there's deep denial like this, I think it's like poking a hedgehog or a turtle - it just causes shut down. But sorry OP, Captain is right that you are probably not at an action stage yet. If you could take one thing from this thread, it would be great if you considered some one to one therapy FOR YOU and NarAnon.

weedinthepool · 23/06/2015 17:38

choc argh I shouldn't open up like this but fuck it, your children need at least one of their parents to be in touch with reality.

I was an addict. I took coke for 2 years at work, in my parents house on a Tuesday night, even to the point where my ears bled. Why? I was escaping the reality of my sexual abuse. Why did I stop? I got pregnant with ds1. I put my child first. I was a parent. No fucking about. What happened? I had a health visitor and social care visit me every week for 3 years to check on me and DS. I work for children's social care now. I see the effects of cocaine using parents on newborn babies, how? They are more stressed because one or both of their parents are stressed because they take an upper that fucks up physiological and emotional states. I think I'm in a pretty good position to tell you that the police and children's social care would say your dc's are at risk of significant harm and put them on a plan. If you have never taken coke yourself perhaps you don't understand but when you have taken it you know that it is not safe to be on it or coming down from it around young kids. They are at risk of significant physical harm. I won't even go into the emotional harm it does.

You are not over reacting. You are not being dramatic. You are placing your children in danger as is your H. July the 1st is no good. I know ypu r H might be struggling and needs your support I totally get that, i was mess too and i dont stand in judgement but you can not put his needs first. You are being complicit in saying that your children do not need protecting from a toxin and a dangerous situation. Do you really want that?

Wackadoodle · 23/06/2015 17:39

No LTB please

LOL. Wishful thinking if ever I've seen it there OP. Smile

At the risk of disrupting this sequel to Reefer Madness: I've known plenty of people who take coke recreationally and are perfectly functional adults, workers and - yes - parents. I've also known plenty of people who enjoy it then go off it for months (or more) at a time, then enjoy it again etc. etc. None of what you have written is difficult to believe for anyone who doesn't get their drugs eduction from the Daily Mail.

Having said that:

Taking it every day is not going to be good, as it will impinge upon the normality of living in a sober state of mind. For drugs to not do too much harm, they need to be a departure from normality not a replacement for normality itself. Taking it as an escape from stress every day is CERTAINLY not going to be good, because it will both reinforce the habit and put off looking for other ways to deal with the stress.

I can certainly relate to the thing about having no trouble going without it, but then having no willpower to resist it when it's there. I don't take coke but I'm exactly like that with a lot of things. I think it's very normal. For that reason the social factors surrounding it are so important. Does he take it with friends, or on his own? If the former, he may need to cut himself off from them to have any chance of establishing a lifestyle without it. That stuff can be really hard because it has all kinds of connections with other things in your life that keep it coming back.

But at the end of the day he's just a person with a problem that needs dealing with, and you can only judge him as a whole person considering both his good qualities and problematic ones. Like any of us.

I hope you can sort it out.