DH takes coke, can't cope with pressure of life, just flipped and walked out door

[chocolatedrops31]

No LTB please
We have 3 small children and are seriously in love. When we met I knew he wasn't your 'run of the mill' guy. He's very warm and passionate but occasionally gets mad. He is the sole earner at the moment and finds the pressure enormously difficult. He doesn't like living where we live. Most of the time he is a great father and husband but sometimes finds the stress of having a young family too much. For the last 2 years he's been dabbling in coke and this clearly affects his mood. He's just gone back to it after a lovely month long break during which our relationship has been wonderful. He's now back on it. Tonight he was working ..I dressed nice, made dinner, and made a sad face when he said he'd continue working after dinner..a sad face, that's it. He flipped, saying I didn't understand the pressure he was under, all I wanted was more, more sex, more attention. It makes him want to run away..stay late at work etc. he left the house without his phone and is gone. He knows that that will cause me immense stress. He doesn't recognise that the coke causes mood swings..and he won't handle an ultimatum well. I just don't know what to do..last night and today we were all lovey dovey..holding hands..flirting and then he flips. Any advice on how to deal with this situation welcome

Well good luck to you, because I guarantee this is going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better. You seem to want to wait until he has taken his addiction up a notch before admitting there's a problem. Perhaps if he loses his job, his driving license is that what you think needs to happen before someone is an addict. My mother was a functioning alcoholic and prescription drug abuser for 25 years, she was awful to be around and abusive throughout my whole childhood, after 20 years she could no longer control her addiction and that's when things went rapidly downhill. She died at 55 and swore every day she didn't have a problem and we were all over reacting.

He's an addict. Nothing else matters here. He needs to get clean and until he does neither you nor the kids can have a healthy relationship with him.
Stop justifying and minimising.

It's very hard to take others advice because it's starting from the wrong premise

We're working on the premise that there are children involved.

Can I just ask what you wouldn't tolerate in your home ?

You say his use is controlled.
He does have control - over you.
Why haven't you said - OK make it today. I agree with pp's who have said it won't be 1st July, he means lets not discuss it this week
2nd July - new crisis at work or home.

OP, what do you want? What did you hope to gain by posting? We have all advised as to your original post but then you just don't want to hear it, and sadly we won't say its all fine as it's not much, or his life is stressful as that isn't right.

I will say yes it should be today. I won't have it in my home (i previously posted that I had told him to take everything out the house and he did). I've had a lot of great advice and I guess will have to move forward with this myself. I will arrange some therapy for myself

OP, you say his usage (or at least what he tells you he's using) is controlled, but then admit that this usage has been creeping up over time and that when he "discovered" his apparently forgotten stash, he dived right back into taking it again.

I don't understand why you believe asking him to quit for you and your children is somehow wrong, and that he has to decide for himself. Why on earth would he decide to quit when you are enabling him to continue?? He needs some incentive to decide to get help to kick his habit and surely the earlier the better, before the usage gradually creeps up again. I know you're feeling got at, but reading this thread has been like banging my head against a brick wall.

He keeps illegal, dangerous substances in your home, where God forbid, your DC could lay hands on them. And you are aware of this.
Your children would likely be removed from you if SS ever got wind of it.
He is effectively blaming you and your DC for "the pressure" that makes his habit necessary.

And STILL you are putting him ahead of your children and defending his behaviour. Telling him that his drug taking is unacceptable does not make you a "controlling wife", it makes you a loving and concerned wife, and a responsible mother.

But surely when you found the coke it was in your home.
That's why people are saying you are minimising.
He took it out of your home you stopped nagging
In his eyes that's a result.
Time passes - then more coke - in your home
Then he stomps off and you feel guilty.
In his eyes - that's another result.
You ask him to give up - he say's 1st July
In his eyes . . . .
Do you see where I'm going

I don't believe that asking him to quit is wrong..I'm just taking on board what others have said that it's better if he makes the decision himself..not purely because of pressure from me. I've asked him to quit and he's agreed-no one is banging their head against a brick wall. I'm going to let him know how serious I am about this and that he's got to take steps to remove temptations.

Also-this has all happened today..ie taking it out the home, agreeing to quit..even though I've been talking to him about it for 2 years. He's never previously agreed to quit and is not the kind of person who will say something just to shut me up. That's why he's never said it previously even though it'd make his life easier to do so. I think he understands that I've reached the end of my tolerance

I maybe didn't phrase that well. Yes, the decision to quit has to be his. But why would he if he doesn't stand to lose anything? And threatening to leave is not about trying to coerce him into quitting - first and foremost it is about protecting your children and yourself from a situation that could potentially have disastrous consequences in so many ways.

You both need to hit your rock bottom, your bottom line as PP said.

I just truly hope the bottom line isn't a tragic destructive life changing event involving the safety of any of the 5 of you. I took grams and grams of the stuff. I OD'd on the first line of a batch because it was pure. Good luck OP, I hope you get through this and all stay safe.

I know ALOT of people who have been addicted to cocaine..its rife where I come from.

I would bet my whole life that he is not using 1-2 lines a day. It doesn't matter what you say op. He just isn't. Cocaine doesn't work like that. Even if he was that's about 2grams a week. Not a month. So at least 200 a month.

My husbands old friend actually started dealing it so he could basically sniff his profits without having to pay anything out.

What I find alarming is that he takes it every day and takes it without even drinking. When he takes cocaine he will get a rush/buzz/euphoria that relaxes him. When it wears off, at the most 30 mins later. He will want another. And another. and another. An addict who takes it EVERY DAY doesn't just do that twice. No way. Unless you accompany him to the toilet or spend the whole day with him you don't really know what he's taking.

What I would do if I were in your situation would be taking off him all bank cards, proof of I'd so he couldn't go to the bank etc. And taking over all the finances. He'd be stopping today not next week when he fancies it. He'd be gong to narcotic anonymous. Then if I ever found out he'd taken it again he'd be out. And by the way I love my husband a lot too and gave three young.children and that's the reason why he'd be gone because he wouldn't get any better if I was enabling him to carry on the way he is and I wouldn't be having him doing any of that nonsense around my kids.

Lastly with regards to his moods. When people are on cocaine they do seem happy and 'lovey dovey' when they aren't and are on a come down or withdrawing they get aggressive and snappy and nasty to those closest to them.

If he's been doing this two years then he's one line away from a heart attack and if it's drug related their generally isn't a life insurance pay out. He needs to wise up and grow up!

You might be interested in this thread OP. A glimpse into the future perhaps?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2409812-Hes-done-it-again

Can I just say, after witnessing the effects that this drug has 1st hand, if he does quit he could use something else, alcohol for example, my brother and his girlfriend took this shit, they've moved countless times for a fresh start, guess what, it never happens, why? Because they don't want to change, if they did they'd change their mates who they done it with, they never did, I could say loads but won't for fear of outing myself.

Stop making excuses for him, my mother still does even now for my brother and it pisses me off, and yes they do have kids too, they've had to witness the come downs and hangovers all rolled into 1, they aren't even into double figures yet.

If social services find out about the drug use you will both be tested and he will be asked to leave the family home. If he doesn't go, the children will be placed in care. In addition to this, he will be required to pass a drugs test to have supervised access to your children

I wish people wouldn't make sweeping statements like this as if there are national rules about this kind of thing. The above is absolutely not a foregone conclusion. That's just not the way it works. Family circumstances are assessed individually and drug use in parents doesn't automatically lead to child protection proceedings, let alone removal of children.
Threshold for significant harm has to be met. Having a drug using parent may be likely to cause significant harm, or it might not. There is no rule because every family is different.

Ehric, totally agree, I know of a heroin addict who still has her 2 daughters, more because her mum helps but they are still there, completely wrong in my opinion but I'm no expert.

A woman who lived down my street was an addict I didn't know her, she had both of her children living with her, until she overdosed and we heard cries for help from her mother.
My then husband ran to her aid and tried in vein to resuscitate her, she was already gone.
Her two children who were 4 and 7 saw the whole thing, I went into the house and took them to my mine as the ambulance had arrived and wanted to move her body.
Those children watched their mother choose drugs over them and then they witnessed her death.
Do you want this for your kids?
it was the most horrific thing I had ever seen, my ex H still has nightmares about it as he was giving her CPR he could hear the 7 year old yelling "please save my mummy"
Just let that sink in for a while.

"I've reached the end of my tolerance"

I'm sorry, but I don't think you have.

And what's with the "we had a chat," reference? You "chat" over the garden fence with a neighbour about lawns and the irritating habit the postman has of dropping elastic bands on your front path. This is a big BIG issue, and to refer to the serious and deep TALK you ought to have had as "a chat" in my opinion underlines how you're minimising this whole thing.

I feel for you OP but wholeheartedly agree with many PPs

I'm an addict (sober a few years) and if you aren't, you can't possibly understand the mindset of one.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, is sacred to your DH.
Not you, DCs, love, family, his own life.

People only change when it hurts too much not to.
Hopefully neither of you will destroy your children before you realise this.

I wish you well

Actually my XH could limit himself to very small amounts of coke.
I couldn't, I wouldn't stop until the packet was all gone.

But some people can just take a couple of lines and stop.
It is unusual but we are not all the same.

Thank goodness for the voices of reason on here, like Ehric.

But he does need to stop and stop very soon, before his use does escalate further.

Chocolate, do his work colleagues take it too, or is it something he does on his own?

There are also lines and then there are 'big, fat lines' which are different. A line isn't a measurement of quantity. Unlike the gram, which has at least doubled over recent times. How much access do you have to finances? Do you see all accounts? Because I would want to.

Tell him to grow up and stop acting like an immature twat. Does he think he's the only man who has to provide for a DW and family.

but blowing it all out of proportion and describing me as a bad mother and him a mega danger to his kids just is ignorant of the facts as they are right now

You are married to a drug addict and are more worried about losing him than losing your children.

You are happy for your children to live in a house where drugs that could end their young lives are hidden and they could find them.

He treats you badly when he hasnt had drugs and is "lovey dovey" and "flirty" with you when he has.

I think you love the drug addict him and not the clean him and thats why you dont want to end your marriage. I bet he isnt as loving and funny and charming and sexy when he is off the drugs is he?

I stand by what I said, if you put that above your childrens welfare and safety then are are a disgrace.

Oh and how the hell is telling you that cocaine found by your children could fucking kill them, blowing anything out of proportion?!

We are not exaggerating, you are minimising.