DH takes coke, can't cope with pressure of life, just flipped and walked out door

[chocolatedrops31]

No LTB please
We have 3 small children and are seriously in love. When we met I knew he wasn't your 'run of the mill' guy. He's very warm and passionate but occasionally gets mad. He is the sole earner at the moment and finds the pressure enormously difficult. He doesn't like living where we live. Most of the time he is a great father and husband but sometimes finds the stress of having a young family too much. For the last 2 years he's been dabbling in coke and this clearly affects his mood. He's just gone back to it after a lovely month long break during which our relationship has been wonderful. He's now back on it. Tonight he was working ..I dressed nice, made dinner, and made a sad face when he said he'd continue working after dinner..a sad face, that's it. He flipped, saying I didn't understand the pressure he was under, all I wanted was more, more sex, more attention. It makes him want to run away..stay late at work etc. he left the house without his phone and is gone. He knows that that will cause me immense stress. He doesn't recognise that the coke causes mood swings..and he won't handle an ultimatum well. I just don't know what to do..last night and today we were all lovey dovey..holding hands..flirting and then he flips. Any advice on how to deal with this situation welcome

He's settled on "1-2" as a small-sounding amount.
"How much? Oh, 1-2 lines"
"How many grams a month? Oh, 1-2"
"How many hundreds am I spending every month? Oh, 1-2"

He might be lying to himself as well as you, but I'd be astonished if he's not taking a lot more than that.

"He just sent me a message saying that family is everything and that he will stop on july 1 'if I feel the same way".

Sorry OP but he is talking unmitigated bullshit. He is telling you simply what you want to hear. (and what is wrong with stopping today?).

He does not want your help or anyone's help for that matter and is simply paying lip service to the problem.

An ultimatum (note the singular) can only be issued once; more than once and they lose all their power. He cannot even meet the conditions of an ultimatum, that really does tell you all you need to know about him and his addiction.

Thanks Attila-you make sense

You can't fix this love. And no one can help you fix it.

Those are the facts.

He's a coke addict and as long as he wants to keep taking coke he will keep doing it.

Your only choice is whether you put up with that or leave.

Personally I would leave. I was the child in your situation and it was horrendous. You CANNOT let your kids be affected by this. It's really not fair on them.

I meant the previous post..assuming he does stop on July 1..do you all think it's meaningless because he's stopping for the family rather than because he himself wants to stop? Isn't that a worthwhile incentive?

I'm not attacking you OP. Lots of people here aren't. But really, saying that you think a yoga class is the answer is well... naive. I'm all for working together to try to change things but the absolute key to that being worthwhile is for him to recognise what the real problem is.

All the while the thought process remains "I'm stressed, I need to take coke" rather than "I'm stressed because I take coke, the answer is not to take coke" you are going to be pissing in the wind trying to lower his stress levels to some mysteriously low point at which he no longer feels the need to take the coke. Other posters are right, he does NOT take coke because his life is more stressful than others. He takes it because he's addicted.

Why is he saying 1st July to stop? Why not today?

It's not about attacking you, OP, honestly. It is more that you help him best (and protect yourself and your children best) by getting tough and being black and white yourself.

'I want you to stop but if you backslide, I'm still there for you' is loving and kind but not really an incentive for him to change. Confronting his demons is a hard, frightening thing that he probably won't do except at his own pace, which you may be able to force, a little, by an uncompromising ultimatum.

Plus, don't put him and his problem at the centre of everything, however overwhelming it feels. He's not the only person whose needs matter.

And yes, do read up on co-dependency. I think it'll make a lot of things clearer for you.

Therapy is hopeless if he is not fully willing to participate; if you totally drive this for him it will fail. He has to want to do therapy and find drug treatment programmes of his own accord, any coercion from you on any level to do this will not work. He won't be readily admitted onto any drugs programmes because they will also see that he is not willing to do the necessary work.

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

He's not the only person whose needs matter.

If you only take one thing from this thread, let it be this.

Every addict started off thinking they were in control and that other addicts were somehow lacking in some way so not able to control it.

FFS this man is taking it every day!

Of course he's going to minimise and say you are blowing things out of all proportion.

You are in financial difficulties yet to him the drug is more important than reducing that cost.

FFS please wake up! I'd never allow a coke head around my child, I'd not want the physical risks, mental damage or normalisation of drugs in her life.

If he doesn't want to stop today then he doesn't want to stop.

And if he doesn't want to stop then YOU wanting him to stop will make no difference.

He's an addict. He will drag you and the kids down with him.

He won't be readily admitted onto any drugs programmes because they will also see that he is not willing to do the necessary work.

A wealthy relative offered to pay for my parent to go to The Priory for as long as it took to get clean.

The Priory wouldn't accept them because they so obviously didn't want to kick the habit.

If professional rehab institutions recognise that addicts can't be treated until they're willing to accept treatment, you should recognise it too. Does that not tell you all you need to know about the nature of addiction?

"He just sent me a message saying that family is everything and that he will stop on july 1 'if I feel the same way".

He has even put conditions on that and has passed some of the responsibility about this onto you!. He is simply paying lip service to his drug addiction. Family is not everything to this man, his thoughts centre around where the next line of cocaine is going to come from.

I do hope that you do read up on co-dependency and enabling behaviours because you are certainly playing out roles here that also let this continue.

I'm worried that the plain talking on here is making you discount what people are saying OP. Some of us have been through this and KNOW what we are talking about.

Addicts can change, they can. But they almost never do it because of outside forces, they do it because THEY are finished using and they want to stop.

The issues for me are;

He agreed to counselling/yoga/whatever but thinks it won't help (hint: it won't if he thinks it won't)
He sets a deadline so that he can have a week of fun with his best friend COKE. If he was done, he would be done.
He minimises, lies and makes it about you. To stop he has to be sure, apologetic and realise the harm he is doing.

BTW when people say that the moods, the problems, the issues don't affect the kids, what they don't realise is that the normal, every-addict effect that this has on the child is to teach them that Daddy is emotionally unavailable. Your partner is using drugs to numb, avoid and swerve emotions, including those around the children. Addicts are terrible parents even when you can't see the harm happening, because they aren't present. Emotionally. Really believe that if you don't believe anything else.

Choc, do u have any money/income of your own? or are you totally reliant on him? if the latter is the case then i can begin to understand the dilemma you are in. if you stay you are implying that his abuse of this drug (and ultimately his abuse of your kids, you and himself) is tolerable. if you leave you would be homeless, penniless and dependent on the state or extended family to provide an income. you have to ask yourself the question of whether living with an addict is worse than claiming benefits. there are systems in place to help, find out about them and then you will be in a position to make an informed decision, or at the very least you can tell HIM what your options are and that without significant change from him, you are prepared to take them.

also you said in a previous post there could be 'horrendous consequences' if you leave him. if he is threatening you with violence/poverty he is controlling you, just like the coke is controlling him. get help for yourself first, he'll take help if and when he wants to.

Please tell someone in RL about all this, and talk it through. You need support.

I meant the previous post..assuming he does stop on July 1..do you all think it's meaningless because he's stopping for the family rather than because he himself wants to stop? Isn't that a worthwhile incentive?

I'd bet money that not a single person reading this believes that he will quit on the 1st July.

Op you sound like and incredibly supportive and loving wife but unless getting clean is what your dh really wants your love and support won't help one bit.

From going out with a coke head in the past children's services aren't your only worry. Being threatend by a dealer because your dh owes money is not something you want to experience or your dh beginning to sell to cover debts.

I know you've said your dh keeps his stash out of the children's reach but this is the reality of what happens when children get hold of cocaine www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/advice-support-40/serious-stuff-43/1096654-baby-taken-advice-5.html#post10946739

I really don't want to upset you but you do need to see the reality of your situation

If you are serious about saving him then you have to tell him to move out, tell his family and yours what has been happening. Tell him and them that once he is recovered truly recovered, I would want at least one year of proof, then you will take him back.

He doesn't want to change yet, you are making it far too easy for him not to.

We have all on this thread been in your shoes and you will learn the hard way if you are not careful. By that i mean your children will come to some kind of physical or emotional harm, whereby social services either get involved or they grow older having no respect for you not putting them first over a cokehead dad. They may never thank you for it.

Btw how would he react if you searched every nook and cranny of the house and flushed his precious drugs down the loo? Go ahead and do this now and see how he reacts, it will open your eyes.

Cap, while i agree with your sentiments, flushing his stash could be a no-no... none of us know how he could react, not even the OP by the sounds of it.. it could be a step too far.

It could be that he wasnt stressed during that 1 month because he wasnt getting any grief about taking coke from you - you believed he had stopped, and so there was no anger or resentment.
IF he had been taking 1-2 lines every day and he stopped for a month his moods would be WORSE not better, certainly in the short term, so that itself suggests that it isnt true.
As for being surprised and happy - well, they are good liars, they are good actors, they will say whatever the hell they want to get you off their backs.

he is a thrill seeker. He is looking for escape. For some reason having a family and good job isnt enough for him, he feels there should be more. The 'anger' and 'stress' probably stem from that - life is a bit boring, and he is entitled to more excitement. Even if he stopped the coke, what would his next fix be? Affairs? gambling? prostitution? these things seem to go hand in hand together.
Dont get too hung up on yoga/counselling/exercise. Those kinds of 'high' take commitment and dedication, they are not an instant hit.

We have all on this thread been in your shoes and you will learn the hard way if you are not careful.

I don't think you can know that.

His moods were worse initially -for a few days but then evened out. That's normally the pattern when he's stopped before. Since he began taking it, he has frequently gone for 4-6 weeks without-when the stash runs out-but then inevitably goes back to it. There is truth in a lot of what you're saying and I know I've been minimising and am pretty co dependent so the idea of losing him is mind blowing, soul destroying..but then losing him not just by kicking him out but by a heart attack-which is part of my motivation. I am totally financially dependant-my salary once I begin working again -doesn't begin to cover our living expenses. But that's not my primary concern, I don't want him to move out because I love him and am not ready to give up on him yet. 1 July is the end for me-if he goes back to it after that point then..now I'm stuck !