DH takes coke, can't cope with pressure of life, just flipped and walked out door

[chocolatedrops31]

No LTB please
We have 3 small children and are seriously in love. When we met I knew he wasn't your 'run of the mill' guy. He's very warm and passionate but occasionally gets mad. He is the sole earner at the moment and finds the pressure enormously difficult. He doesn't like living where we live. Most of the time he is a great father and husband but sometimes finds the stress of having a young family too much. For the last 2 years he's been dabbling in coke and this clearly affects his mood. He's just gone back to it after a lovely month long break during which our relationship has been wonderful. He's now back on it. Tonight he was working ..I dressed nice, made dinner, and made a sad face when he said he'd continue working after dinner..a sad face, that's it. He flipped, saying I didn't understand the pressure he was under, all I wanted was more, more sex, more attention. It makes him want to run away..stay late at work etc. he left the house without his phone and is gone. He knows that that will cause me immense stress. He doesn't recognise that the coke causes mood swings..and he won't handle an ultimatum well. I just don't know what to do..last night and today we were all lovey dovey..holding hands..flirting and then he flips. Any advice on how to deal with this situation welcome

I think he will give up..it's almost like he wants me to make him because he can't make himself. He also generally does what he says..which is why he hasn't just said that he will..it's an endless discussion and manipulation. If he was going to lie, he'd just say it.
I think I will talk to my dad tomorrow..he's very wise and can keep things to himself

This man surely deserves a chance.
He may not be able to give up, but he may.
Lots of people try drugs, smoke joints whilst at uni, for e.g. give up.
I did a dry January, and found it really quite easy.
Not as serious, I appreciate, but he surely deserves a chance.

I just can't stop crying and crying-I feel so alone. And I can't believe he's going to be all distant and awful while he's waiting for me to change my mind-which I won't-can't believe I've got to go through this

It will be the come making him nasty. Coke is a nasty drug. Yet he is still choosing to use it.

He doesn't after with you. He doesn't think he needs to stop. So he won't.

Do you want to be living with a coke addict for the rest of your life?
If not, kick him out and you won't be living with one. If he gets clean and you work things out, you won't be living with one.

But keep things as they are and they will stay as they are. He won't stop if you're current circumstances stray the same. If he was going to, he would have done it already.

I don't know what else anyone can say to you. You are just not listening.

He isn't who you want him to be. Maybe he could be but you are not helping him until you put yourself and your children first. You can't expect him to put you all before his addiction if you won't even do that.

Sorry. Ignore that. Didn't see latest post about snorting at work.

You are not alone. But he needs to be. You can't solve this for him. You can't control it. All you can do is self-preservation and create the conditions under which he is most likely to make the right choice. But there has to be a choice. That means he has to choose between his family and the drugs. Right now. Not on the 1st.
If he chooses the drugs, well at least you know. If he is angry and blames you for controlling him, that means he hasn't chosen you.

You will get through it though.

You are not alone chocolate, there are dozens of people here offering you advice and willing to hold your hand while you take the next step.

Be brave, take that leap. Life can only get better for you.

But you CAN'T make him stop.
He needs to stop or leave not stay and blame you for the situation he's in.

Chocolate so glad you will call your dad. Don't hide a thing, be aware his first instinct might be to minimise it, but please mention his drug use at work, and your DH struggling to cope with life's pressures. Tell him you are serious about the 1st July ultimatum and ask your dad to support you whatever happens.

He said there is no one he respects. Well that fucking says it all, doesn't it. I've been around a lot of unhealthy coke users (music business) and that selfish, arrogant attitude is everywhere.

You really need to talk to people about what is happening. To people who have lived this it's all SO obvious. The manipulation, the blaming, the gaslighting, the denial. You cannot go from this straight to a happy, healthy relationship. It's not possible. He is treating you terribly and once that happens, a pattern is set. One that has to be worked through and dealt with by the addict.

Good luck

He isn't listening to you, he is already manipulating you and laying the groundwork to justify not giving up on 1st July. You need some RL support. This man is not on your side. His only ally is coke.

Again I say, go to Al Anon, OP.

He's going to get worse until the 1st, justified because it's 'last blow out' before he gives up. I'd suggest he moves out until then, or gives up now

He's minimising, don't be like him and minimise. Tell your dad the whole truth.

I think it would be helpful for you to talk to al anon and look into co-dependency. It will help you see that he does coke in this way, not because of pressure or something you did, but because he's an addict (blaming you, pressure etc. is just a way to excuse it and keep you off his back and wondering how you can stop him, help him etc. , concentrating on him and his needs rather than what you and your kids need).

Just like an abuser abuses, not because of something or someone else but because they are abusive.

Once you accept this, that he abuses coke because he's an addict and that you have no control over this and nothing you can do will make him stop, you can get off this merry go round of watching and waiting and wondering, and see more clearly what the situation is and what u and your kids need.

Hopefully he will come to his senses and get help and join you in that, but ultimately that's up to him. Best of luck.

Yes, go to Al-anon, or even better, if you have a Nar-Anon group in your area, go to that, as they support families of problem drug users.

Oh dear your updates are worrying. He parties on a Tuesday, takes coke at work, doesn't respect anyone, 'doesn't give a shit', tells you he isn't giving up.

You are going to have to be really tough here to protect yourself and your children.

chocolate - please speak to your dad today. Get yourself some help.

I echo what others have said, drug dependancy is a family disease. YOU need support for yourself, I have a member of my family who had a drug problem. I found Families Anonymous, which is for the families/friends who concerned about a loved ones use of drugs. They have a website, the forum is good and they have meetings. Tough Love is a good read, a drug user has to reach rock bottom, before they seek help. They are unlikely to stop, if they do not feel the consequences of their bad choices. Good luck

In a way, I think you should forget about the coke and just consider how he behaves towards you. The cause doesn't matter. The fact that his behaviour is disrespectful, manipulative, dismissive and unkind does matter. And all of that is reason enough to end the relationship. Sober or not, he does not treat you well enough.

Is there any way you and the children can go to family or friends for a few days to have abreak and get some perspective on all this?

The thing is that if I forget about the drugs then in general he treats me well and we get on great. It's just the odd mood swing which is really not frequent and the positives def outweigh the negatives. This is what he's saying..that I'm making a big issue out of nothing..since we generally get on great and he is a great dad etc however I can't forget about the coke anymore (which is what I've been trying to do since he started it) because I can't let him do that to himself anymore..

chocolate two of my friends take coke. One is a genuine recreational user - he can go for months without using, it's always taken in a social setting. The other is, I think, using on a much more regular basis to get over hangovers and generally function. The difference between them is that Friend A is pretty sorted and happy; Friend B is using it as a crutch to deal with stress at work, stress at home, and a few issues of his own that he's never got to the bottom of.

I don't think Friend B will ever kick it, despite many warnings, interventions, pleas and ultimatums from family and friends, because he doesn't think it's a problem. It isn't in itself, it's just all his other problems that he's not solving, but which the cocaine is masking. The trouble is, now he's got all the other problems plus a growing coke addiction. It creeps up very quickly.

The worst thing is, Friend A is single and childless; Friend B is married with three small kids. We, his mates, are beside ourselves with concern, but his wife, like you, has so much at stake that she's constantly minimising it. Meanwhile, we're resigned to the phone call, from one of them.

Please talk to your dad. Your DH needs to deal with the reasons he needs to take cocaine as well as the cocaine use itself. Coke makes you feel invincible, but when you're a parent to small children, you're absolutely not.

A great dad would not put coke ahead of his partner and kids. This bloke isn't a great dad.

chocolate if you want to keep your relationship then you need to follow through on any ultimatums you give him. If you don't he will NEVER respect anything you have to say. Think of him like a toddler, you need to establish boundaries now or he will walk all over you.

At some stage you are going to have to say "it's the coke or us" and if he chooses the coke you will have to walk away.

A great dad wouldn't talk to you like that, he says you are trying to castrate him. Have you spoken to your dad yet ?