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Original poster

DH takes coke, can't cope with pressure of life, just flipped and walked out door

464 replies

chocolatedrops31 · 22/06/2015 20:36

No LTB please
We have 3 small children and are seriously in love. When we met I knew he wasn't your 'run of the mill' guy. He's very warm and passionate but occasionally gets mad. He is the sole earner at the moment and finds the pressure enormously difficult. He doesn't like living where we live. Most of the time he is a great father and husband but sometimes finds the stress of having a young family too much. For the last 2 years he's been dabbling in coke and this clearly affects his mood. He's just gone back to it after a lovely month long break during which our relationship has been wonderful. He's now back on it. Tonight he was working ..I dressed nice, made dinner, and made a sad face when he said he'd continue working after dinner..a sad face, that's it. He flipped, saying I didn't understand the pressure he was under, all I wanted was more, more sex, more attention. It makes him want to run away..stay late at work etc. he left the house without his phone and is gone. He knows that that will cause me immense stress. He doesn't recognise that the coke causes mood swings..and he won't handle an ultimatum well. I just don't know what to do..last night and today we were all lovey dovey..holding hands..flirting and then he flips. Any advice on how to deal with this situation welcome

OP posts:
BreadmakerFan · 24/06/2015 19:52

What financial pressure? You said you weren't strapped for cash.

Is he worth losing your kids for?

AnyFucker · 24/06/2015 19:54

he just showed you the real him

don't you get it ?

the real him is a coke user who doesn't give a shit about you

nilbyname · 24/06/2015 19:55

Well he's telling you that he probably won't stop and it feels like your sort of telling us that you don't really think that its that big of a big deal.

If you are serious, then I would show him the door, ask him for some space and thinking time. Tell him to come back july 1st. In the mean time set up some therapy sessions.

AnyFucker · 24/06/2015 19:55

he went to a party and snorted coke on a tuesday night ?

this is a "family man" you want to hold on to ?

why ?

tribpot · 24/06/2015 19:58

I'm just holding onto the fact that I'll have the old him back when he actually quits

He's not the only one who's deluding himself, chocolatedrops. The writing's on the wall. Have a look at some stuff about co-dependency.

Wackadoodle · 24/06/2015 20:10

I must admit OP your last post sounds like there's absolutely no bloody way he'll quit. Not in any lasting sense.

If he can't see a reason for quitting, and can't even be bothered pretending that he really believes in it, but is just doing it "for you" while laughing off your reasons for wanting it, then no way will that be strong enough motivation.

Original poster
chocolatedrops31 · 24/06/2015 20:13

Last night was some work leaving party and he drank..today at work he snorted coke in order to get rid of the hang over. He didn't come back off his face but obv coke is in his system (I can tell by the way he's treating me). He will give up if I keep to what I'm saying but he's emotionally manipulating me to make me change my mind..he says this will cause a rift between us and I need to give him space to enable him to deal with the fact that I'm making him do this. He just saw me crying and asked why..he then walked upstairs. I asked him to talk to someone..anyone..to gain perspective, to know that I'm rational in what I'm asking him to do. He said there is no one he respects. He is just being utterly controlled by this addiction. I just want the old him back and I can't believe we are in this situation. For the first time in our relationship I'm doubting whether it's going to survive..and of course if it doesn't it'll all be my fault for asking him to give the drug up

OP posts:
duplodon · 24/06/2015 20:15

Everything you say he says is abusive. You are not making him do anything. There is no old him, sorry.

Joysmum · 24/06/2015 20:15

You'd be warned up thread he puts his drug addiction above the needs of you and the kids and he's jest confirmed it.

Reminds me of the thread with the woman who accepts her DH fucking around, because she knows if she doesn't it's divorce so she'd rather be with a cheater than without.

Your situation is far more serious. He's upped his intake already because it wasn't enough, he'll continue to do so.

Please protect your kids Sad

paxtecum · 24/06/2015 20:17

That's a shame.
Well, July 1st will soon be here. It doesn't sound hopeful at the moment.

Take care of yourself.

formidable · 24/06/2015 20:19

Chocolate you need to stop worrying about him and start worrying about you and the kids.

Wolfiefan · 24/06/2015 20:19

It's his fault. He's the one taking coke. Please put your kids first. He needs to go.

nozzz · 24/06/2015 20:20

Snorted coke to get rid of a hangover, this just isn't normal behaviour or justification.

formidable · 24/06/2015 20:22

Agreed. Taking coke at work on a Tuesday morning is not the behaviour of someone who has the odd line or two now and then.

He must think you're fucking stupid Angry

tribpot · 24/06/2015 20:23

Do you think you can spend your whole marriage avoiding doing anything which he can manipulate into a reason to start using again, and have it be your fault? That's where you're heading currently.

Just to be clear, he took coke at work. Really?! And that seems normal? I'd lay odds his staff know what he's up to.

Orangeisthenewbanana · 24/06/2015 20:23

He is trying to make you feel guilty for asking that he puts his family before his coke addiction?? Basically, so you will give in and he can continue doing whatever the fuck he wants Angry He doesn't want take responsibility for his actions or his family life and I'm glad you can see he is emotionally manipulating you to his own ends. I'm sorry you're going through this OP, but you won't get the "real him" back until he steps up and takes some responsibility for himself Flowers It is however NOT YOUR FAULT in any way if he won't put you and your DC first.

tippytap · 24/06/2015 20:25

He won't stop. He won't.

He has told you that

What are YOU going to do now? Just carry on talking to him about it? That won't make him stop. It hasn't so far

Is this how you want your life to be? If not, you need to realise that you can't change him. You can only remove you and your kids from him.

nilbyname · 24/06/2015 20:25

Honestly turf him out, he needs a big dose of reality!

You sound lovely, and loyal, someone with a lot of love to give and I'm willing to bet the farm on it, very beautiful! You have so so much to give someone...give it to someone who deserves it!

AnyFucker · 24/06/2015 20:25

OP, he has a massive dependence, he is not simply a "social user"

I disagree with the poster upthread who said it was more likey he would give it up if he snorts alone

I think the opposite

he needs it, physically and mentally, akin to an alcoholic that boozes alone at 11am

he is in deep, deep shit

and he will drag you down with him

nilbyname · 24/06/2015 20:30

I pressed send too soon!

You have a disconnect on what you find acceptable, and in your case it is drug use.

It's hard, and it's your life, but think of the time wasted with someone who puts his needs first, or minimises your concerns, or behaves selfishly. Why don't you think you deserve more than that?

Missymoomoo1979 · 24/06/2015 20:34

Will you think it's ok for him to take it in the morning to help his hangover when the kids are around? When is enough enough?

My husband used to do drugs, not any more, why? because his family is more important than being high for half an hour tops, plus he's grown up and it doesn't interest him in slightest anymore.

captainproton · 24/06/2015 20:37

chocolate you are not alone, if you want us to help you navigate a way to get rid of this drug out of your family life, and that does mean leaving your husband then we are here. What we cannot do is rid this drug from your husband's life and we are not going to give you false hope. I really wish you could call someone in RL, maybe a best friend? Someone you know who has lived with an alcoholic or an addict who can empathise with you? A problem shared is a problem halved. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

butterflygirl15 · 24/06/2015 20:38

He isn't going to give up. I wouldn't wait until 1st July because you are just wasting your time.

He will do his utmost to convince you between now and then that this is all your fault and how he isn't going to stop.

The question is what are you going to do?

Squeegle · 24/06/2015 20:45

chocolate, I'm sorry you're going through this
Agree with all: you cannot ask him to stop
You can say " it is unacceptable
To me to be with you if you carry on taking coke"
He has a choice to make

And,it IS unacceptable. You know it
Be strong. He may just make the right choice, but it has to be his choice
And you have to stick to what you know is right.

Squeegle · 24/06/2015 20:47

Ps if your relationship doesn't survive, it WILL NOT be your fault.