DH takes coke, can't cope with pressure of life, just flipped and walked out door

[chocolatedrops31]

No LTB please
We have 3 small children and are seriously in love. When we met I knew he wasn't your 'run of the mill' guy. He's very warm and passionate but occasionally gets mad. He is the sole earner at the moment and finds the pressure enormously difficult. He doesn't like living where we live. Most of the time he is a great father and husband but sometimes finds the stress of having a young family too much. For the last 2 years he's been dabbling in coke and this clearly affects his mood. He's just gone back to it after a lovely month long break during which our relationship has been wonderful. He's now back on it. Tonight he was working ..I dressed nice, made dinner, and made a sad face when he said he'd continue working after dinner..a sad face, that's it. He flipped, saying I didn't understand the pressure he was under, all I wanted was more, more sex, more attention. It makes him want to run away..stay late at work etc. he left the house without his phone and is gone. He knows that that will cause me immense stress. He doesn't recognise that the coke causes mood swings..and he won't handle an ultimatum well. I just don't know what to do..last night and today we were all lovey dovey..holding hands..flirting and then he flips. Any advice on how to deal with this situation welcome

I am just addicted to cigarettes, chocolate but addiction can be overwhelming. I also live in Mexico where nearly 200,000 have been killed in the last nine years thanks the "War against Drugs", and by drugs understand Cocaine. There are so many things wrong about this war but one of the factors that most contributes to the extreme and often sadistic violence is the effect of Cocaine on addicts. Cocaine is a very violent drug.

I understand that you love your husband and that this is all very hard for you Why don't you find a local Al-Anon to join? Free therapy for how to deal with addicts.

Thanks paxtecum again :)
Yes I see all finances.
His colleagues don't take it-he runs his own business and so they're all employees so it's not something he does with them.
He had one friend who did it but as far as I know he quit in December due to a (non related) health scare. He is friends with his dealer though and I think that's one of the main difficulties..he's going to have to agree to cut that contact out. But generally he's doing it on his own.
I don't love the addict..I much much prefer it when he's sober. I'm not into false highs or false realities..I can understand it for the odd party but not living your life like that
Anyway we've said nothing about it since our conversations yesterday but as far as I'm concerned 1 July is the deadline-not because I think he's a danger to me or the kids but because I don't want the intake spiralling upwards..I need him to be real..and I need him to protect his health -not doing so is utterly selfish. Also he needs to learn healthier methods to deal with this life .
I will also contact one of the addict helplines.

Oh and how the hell is telling you that cocaine found by your children could fucking kill them, blowing anything out of proportion?!

Some of these comments are OTT.
The bottle of bleach that some families don't have under lock and key can kill too, so can the prescription drugs that aren't under lock and key, so can the full bottle of calpol that isn't under lock and key.

Do people really think that SS take away well nurtured, well fed children from a well run home because one parent is acting irresponsibly and taking a couple of lines of coke?

Give the man some credit, he is not going to being his stash were the kids can get at it.

Chocolate: I think there is great hope that your DH will give up. He needs something else to do instead of the coke, at the time he would be doing the coke.
Would he go to the gym or go for a run to replace it?

I know that will mean that you are coping with the DCs on your own for longer but it would be far preferable.

Drinking alcohol instead wouldn't be a sensible option!

Good luck to you both.

Bleach is not illegal. It has childproof tops.
Coke in the charge of a cokehead is different.

Unless he himself wants to address the real reasons why he takes drugs in the first place the two of you will continue as you are now.

He's mentioned stopping on July 1st but the chances of him stopping either before or after that date are slim to none (at least without outside support which he would need to go to of his own volition).

Hi OP. I think it's good you are looking at contacting a helpline.

They will hopefully give you some unbiased support.

I really hope your DH can break this addiction. The fact you are talking about it does seem positive.

It's easy to say LTB on a forum - but the RL implications are obviously devastating. I can understand why you want to work this out, but take heed to some of the messages here and keep yourself and kids safe .

Speaking as someone who had a coke addiction and knows others in similiar circumstances, it is very possible to stop without outside help.
You don't need to go to The Priory or similiar to stop taking a gram of coke per month, especially if you are taking it on your own.

A support group could work well though

Wofie, IME child proof tops, whether on bleach or calpol, are not child proof at all.
If people are relying on that to stop their kids from getting at the bleach they are deluded.

It's illegal to travel at more than 70mph on the motorway but that doesn't seem to concern many people.

IF health or childcare professionals discover a drug using parent, it is flagged as a safeguarding issue. It doesn't necessarily always mean kids are immediately spirited away by social services. It depends how they find out, child accidentally consumes cocaine and needs medical attention for instance. Same if you let your child drink bleach, these things go on record.

Thanks paxtecum -I've previously worked in family law settings so am totally aware that what people are saying in that regard is rubbish..it takes an enormous amount for ss to remove children-from even the most dysfunctional families.
I think he will stop on 1 July without external support-he does keep his word..but my worry is that he will go back to it in another few weeks as he's done previously. I think he would benefit from counselling to help sort out the causes but not sure if he will go for that!

If children ingest drugs, it's a whole different class of event.
Chocolate, I think it's unfortunate that people are helping you minimise the extent of the shit you are in with this.
He doesn't need counselling - he needs rehab. They are not the same thing.

Paxtecum, honestly, you are talking total bullshit here.
Honestly, if you stopped yourself with no outside help, you probably weren't addicted but using heavily - and/or were incredibly motivated to stop with good reasons for doing so. Not seeing how your experience applies here other than the fact you used to take coke and don't know. Did you have kids at the time?
Comparing going over 70mph (and I presume you mean by a small amount as frankly crazy speeding is hardly going to be lauded by anyone here either) to living as an addict in a house with young kids is just OTT ludicrous. They just don't compare.

"don't now"

The bottle of bleach that some families don't have under lock and key can kill too, so can the prescription drugs that aren't under lock and key, so can the full bottle of calpol that isn't under lock and key.

So?!

There is a massive difference between a bottle of bleach and a class A drug. For a start when I use bleach it doesnt alter my perception or my state of mind. It doesnt give me a false sense of being that could lead to behaviours that are risky or downright dangerous. A person on coke however is not in full control of their own mind, the drug is and therefore they are much more likely to leave that substance somewhere it could be found and ingested by a child.

There is absolutely no comparison.

Ok, my cocaine consumption was totally out of all control.
I could start on Thursday evening and by Sunday morning have taken three grams of coke and had no sleep. Then I would start again Monday night but not do so much but stay up all night.

This went on for two years, during this time I held down a job (sort of).

No, there were no children in the house at this time.

Life would have been far easier if I had stopped taking it when one gram did last two of us for a month, but I didn't.

This man should be able to stop taking it quite easily - if he makes his mind up about it.

In fact, of all the people I knew who took coke (a lot), not a single one went to rehab. They just got another hobby and had the support of a good partner.

You may think I'm talking bullshit, that's up to you.

A good girl friend of mine was with with a coke head. We wouldnt say addict, it was few lines here and there, then maybe a blow out at a party. Then he would want to go to the pub almost every night so he could have a couple of lines. The she said, hey let's have a baby, so you'll have the knock the coke habit on the head. He couldn't. He tried and tried, it wasn't much, maybe a gramme a week or so. But he couldn't give it up. He still does it. She left him. He's an aggressive ass who calls anyone who questions him the fun police. He's a "functioning" addict, but he what sort of life is it and I feel like it's a only matter of time until he has a stroke or heart attack. And in that time he has alienated friends, he is moody, he is an arrogant ass.

I've taken drugs in my hedonist ice 20s. I'm no Puritan, but what you describe would be a deal breaker for me. God, I wouldn't marry my boyfriend until he stopped smoking!

I want going to post here because I know it's useless, you can't tell someone in your position to LTB because to be in a relationship with a coke addict is to slowly become more and more cynical and disappointed over the years until the scales do indeed slowly fall from your eyes and you come to the realisation yourself that the "lovely, caring, funny family man" is indeed a selfish bastard who needs to be left for the sanity of you and your family.
However I'm going to waste my time as your thread has been playing on my mind and I want to make it go away.
I spent a number of years in a relationship with a man I thought was my soul mate, partner for life etc who started doing coke regularly. More and more regularly. I was told "only a few lines" and I believed him. My "first of July" was a house move- "if only we moved away from x I could stop" . I believed him and we moved house with all the costs and hassle that involves. We stayed together for a further year. I found out that within the first week of us moving in he was doing coke in our new home and when we were pushing through with the move, was messaging prostitutes whilst having a binge. He was telling me what I wanted to hear. I was you op. The children started to become aware there was something wrong with him a few weeks before i kicked him out,it had been easy to protect them because he worked away a lot. My best friend has a similar story as does my exes friend's partner,all in relationships with cocaine users.
Anyway I know you'll have to experience this crap all for yourself for years, before you do anything about it, because that's what we enablers do. But I was you op,and if I could go back i time 8 years ago I would tell myself the following:
Cocaine addicts are liars
Cocaine addicts are selfish
They tell you what you want to hear and do their own thing anyway
They will only really try to stop if something catastrophic happens (terminal illness, prison) . You can have a go at leaving them to see if that helps, but it probably won't
By keeping their secrets and enabling them to put on a front of normality you are making the problems worse.
Children suffer from having a self absorbed, lying, coke addled fucker living in third home.
You will eventually leave him, I'd bet money on it, it will get unbearable and you will detach. For everyone's sake, get it done sooner rather than later.

"In fact, of all the people I knew who took coke (a lot), not a single one went to rehab."
And here's the thing. Of all the people I knew who binge drank in their twenties and early thirties to the point of regular blackouts, with the same type of pattern you describe, not one of them went to rehab.

There is a huge difference between being a heavy user (and I knew plenty heavy drinkers and coke users) and an addicts. A very good indicator someone is an addict as opposed to a heavy user is that they don't stop when circumstances change, when there aree kids or other similarly high stake responsibilities ; they are threatened with losing their job or similar and they just carry on. If you are addicted, this means you put that drug ahead of absolutely everything including your life, your relationships, your work.

What you are describing is excessive recreational use, not addiction. Quite frankly you sound like you haven't the foggiest notion of what addiction is if you think that a new hobby and a supportive partner will sort it. There's a LOT of evidence it won't.

He came back from work and he was at a party last night. I asked him if he was hung over and he said no because he had done coke..he was laughing. I asked him if he was planning to finish it all before 1 July and he said of course. He then said that he probably wouldn't stop then. After another long chat of me giving him all the reasons (he thinks they're all rubbish by the way but admits that there is no convincing reason) he said he would stop but he is stoping for me..like all women I am attempting to castrate him and this is a slippery slope. I feel like I'm losing him..he just doesn't give a shit. I'm just holding onto the fact that I'll have the old him back when he actually quits

Like all women you are attempting to castrate him and this is a slippery slope?
RED FLAG. Seriously. This is also the real him. This is part of who he is, he's not someone else while saying these things.

Not going to stop

You wrote it yourself, he doesn't give a shit. This is not a man who is madly in love with you, it really isn't. You are seeing the real him.

What would your families say if they found out? If it is all so innocent then you wouldn't have a problem telling everyone.

RED FLAG. He has no intention of stopping. He is saying you are trying to castrate him? WTF? Because you don't want him using illegal drugs. You won't get the real him back because he shows no intention of stopping.

He has just shown you who he is.

Coke means more to him than you and your children do.

If you continue to make excuses it believe that he will quit this for you, you are deluded.

Leave. Now.

Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

What do you mean you'll get the real him back when he stops? He's just told you he's not going to stop!

Can you hear yourself?

In the words of many many MNers, he is telling you who is is. He is telling you he won't give up coke, and he doesn't give a shit. He is TELLING you that.

You need to start listening to him.

Chocolate he doesn't give a shit about your ultimatum, he's got your right where he wants you. He knows you will give in, in the end. Why haven't you told your family other than your brother? Why are you keeping this secret? If more people knew they could help you. Have your children seen him when he is off his head tonight? How do they react to it?