Friend's DH Dry Humping a 'friend'

[AgainstTheWind]

A good friend of mine needs advice and she's aware I am posting on here.

She has just found out her DH has been 'dry humping' a friend of his during which they fantasise about fucking each other. It's happened about a dozen times according to the DH.

He slipped up he had been round this friend's house when he had previously said he was working and my friend was suspicious. She asked about it and her DH admitted he fancied the friend and my friend demanded to see his phone which he eventually reluctanctly showed her.

She said it's clear from the texts they haven't had actual sex. He met this friend the other day and texted her afterwards saying he would love to fuck her for real but he can't.

I've told my friend he has still cheated on her but she's not sure if it warrants splitting up over. They've got kids in their late teens who still live at home.

I've said it is her decision and how she feels about it but she thinks it would be helpful to know how serious people consider it. He denys it's an emotional affair and has done the normal minimalising crap.

Eew, yuk. I know someone who would try and get off on this type of technicality too.

Almost comical in his stupidity. I thought only teenagers and dogs did that too. Had she not noticed his jeans were stickier than usual. How gross. I hope she comes to her senses.

So he's fondled her boobs and and rubbed his erection on her, but no snogging?

Oh well then, clearly all above board...

She should stand in front of him and say "And what about the blow jobs?" His face will give it away straight away if that has happened too.

But only after she has packed his bags and told him to leave.

I don't think it's a question of PIV sex being her cut off point but more she's not thinking straight at the minute and he's talked her into not throwing him out straightaway. I personally think she's got more than enough cut off points but it's her life and it's obviously very scary for her.

To me, that is cheating.

No ifs no buts.

I did point out to her she only found out because he slipped up about seeing the friend when he had previously said he was working and made her suspicious. It wasn't like he felt guilty and confessed so she can't trust him to be truthful.

6 months of sexual contact that stops short of oral and PIV sex! Hmm. Either he is lying or he's very restrained. And if he's that good at self restraint, he would have stopped altogether.

So there's more to it. Either it did go further or there's another reason why it didn't. Don't suppose this OW has got a partner built like a brick shit house whom the husband is scared of? Or maybe he's been watching Jeremy Kyle and his lie detector tests.

Whatever it is, there is much, much more to this story.

"Hed love to but cant" wow hes a real martyr, what a perfect example of self controll

What an asshole! Get rid asap.

It isn't about body parts is it. It's about betrayal. It's about deceit. It's about excluding his partner from a new sexual arena in his life. He's moved away from his wife, into a new erotic place, and hidden it from his wife.

Maybe he thinks it's not much different from secretly wanking over porn.

I certainly think my friend would be giving him a free pass to do this again if she doesn't throw him out.

I think her reluctance is a question of whether it's bad enough to split their family up and hurt their kids rather than being prepared to accept what he's done with this woman. She has said she would have thrown him out if they didn't have kids.

Has he actually apologised and said he'll do what she needs to make it right?

If not, bin.

If so, perhaps consider counselling with a view to working things through. This doesn't mean she's said "OK I forgive you", it just means she's prepared to see how things go.

It has to be her choice though.

Your friend is the biggest obstacle in all of this. It's very obvious that something is very wrong and the fact that she wants others' views via you, is that perhaps if there are 100 posts - and maybe one or two say, "he's only messing" or "at least it wasn't sex"... she can cling on to those and ignore the rest.

I haven't even read the whole thread yet, just your posts, and it's clear that she's desperate to make this go away in her head. If there is the scantest way of excusing this then she will do it. It won't go away, it will always play in her mind but for now, she just wants it under a nice heavy rug.

My take on this is... the dry humping is one thing, I had a colleague who did this to me when we were out in a group of friends and it was very much joking, we were falling about laughing and there was nothing sexual about it. We do not fancy each other and we are friends.

This dry humping, this is something else. He wants to have sex with this woman. He feels that stopping short puts him on the side of the angels. He's wrong. I would be very upset to see a text saying that my husband wanted to fuck another woman but he can't... the 'can't' changes absolutely nothing. He is cheating; all the texts, fantasies and other things shared with this woman show no respect at all for his partner and makes a mockery of their relationship.

Your friend is deluding herself and asking you to be complicit in that. Will you?

He's lying.

6 months of groping and fake sex but no kissing? Bullshit.

OP - I wish your friend the best of luck. I really hope she boots him out (she needs to do this temporarily at least to really get a chance to think through what's happened with his 'it wasn't sex' bullshit without him in her face).

Please let us know how she gets on if she's happy for you to post again.

6 months of dry humping?! If I was the mistress, I'd leave, let alone the wife!

How completely odd. This can't be the full story, it's just too odd. 6 months of dry humping, erection groping and boob kissing?

Yeah, right.

And just because he hasn't put his penis in her vagina, it makes it all acceptable?

What's to stop him getting into another 'dry humping' arrangement with another woman if, according to him, this sort of behaviour is perfectly OK?

I mean, that's basically what he's saying, isn't it? That this sort of carry on is perfectly acceptable extra-curricula behaviour in a marriage.

I'm sure he wouldn't be delighted if your friend was rubbing another man's erection, letting him kiss her boobs, and fantasising together.

Accepting this is green-lighting repeat behaviour. Besides, how could she ever trust this man again?

I'd be calling it an affair. You really think he'll stop there if she 'forgives' him?!!

It's the "he's never kissed her" bit that makes me howl.
He's masturbated on her, groped her tits for about six months with accompanying sordid sleazy texts then comes up with that pish.

I'd tell her to leave the not quite fucking bastard.

not quite fucking bastard

Dry humping?

How retro. Makes me feel all nostalgic for my teenage years.

"He's denying an affair. He said they fancy each other and have just got carried away a few times but have stopped short of sex."
He has NOT stopped short of sex - he has stopped short of penetrative sex. A 'dry hump' is just as much sex as a hand job or blow job. He HAS had sex with this 'friend'. And since it is repeated, it is an affair.

I'd be asking him to move out to give me some headspace, so that I could think through where I wanted to go now.

That's what I thought Tattie- dry humping was done at the 'day timer' disco in my youth.

He has continued to see someone he is sexually attracted to and has been intimate with on several occasions. I would say that 'dry humping' could involve more passion than actual penetrative sex recalling my teenage years. This is absolutely an affair.