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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for Spook 2

502 replies

Janstar · 09/05/2004 17:14

Here it is.

OP posts:
Blu · 20/06/2004 15:03

OK Spook: I have read the other thread...I can understand your frustration, but in the longer term, you do need it all hunky dory, don't you? Otherwise, as you say, you'll have no-where here, and you need to be able to keep the boys at the International school. And whereas i'm sure HE will not be deliberatley 'vindictive' he will certainly do a 'poor me' act which will quickly escalate into 'and I need somewhere to drown my sorrows, money to uphold my sad lonely expensive bachelor lifestyle'....you can hear it already, can't you?
Just one more thought: if you do have to delay things, that will mean that you would be arriving with the summer ahead of you, rather than being plunged straight into a domestic life as a single Mum with the Ibizan winter approaching. But however slowly it all moves, it is MOVING and you are doing a brilliant thing. XXXXX

AussieSim · 20/06/2004 15:08

Spook, I would follow your solicitors advice. I do think your xH sounds like the type to not play fair in the settlement.

spook · 20/06/2004 17:54

Hi guys,thankyou.I am following my solicitors advice.Though ofcourse he is now mightily pissed off because he thinks no-one trusts him..yet again he's the one being hard done by. I met him for a coffe this lunch-time. One last plea.It's going to get nasty-I can just feel it and neither of us wants that.Did I sense a weakening in him???? NO! Spook stop that.
So yes-Ibiza is on hold.Thank goodness I saved the last place in DS2's class for next year at his current school.Phew-maybe it's fate eh??

soapbox · 23/06/2004 03:21

Are you OK Spook - haven't heard from you for a couple of aays!

Hope all is well!

Jxx

spook · 23/06/2004 17:53

Hi everyone-hi soapbox.Thanks for your concern.I'm OK. I'm off to Palma for the weekend with my best friend tonight. He's staying HERE! can you believe.Says his quayside batchelor pad not really suitable for children all weekend.FFS! Have served petition for judicail separation on him this week so probably best I'm out of the way!
Just trying to put everything out of my mind-Ibiza,separation,him,her...can't think about it anymore. What will be will be.
Lots of love. XXXXX

Blu · 23/06/2004 17:59

And lots of love to you, too. Have a good w/e, Spook, XXXX

Clayhead · 27/06/2004 01:04

spook, did you have a good weekend? Are you back??

spook · 27/06/2004 10:59

Hi Clayhead.I am back but things are absolutely truly terrible. I feel almost as bad as I did 5 months ago. I will post later.Am taking boys to school then going for a walk on the beach.I can't believe my life has sunk so low. At least I know you're out there {{{{{}}}}}

moominmama86 · 27/06/2004 11:42

Hi Spook - I've been following your thread and just want to send loads of hugs. ((((())))) Hope your walk on the beach does you some good. Please do post later when you are feeling a bit stronger.

sobernow · 27/06/2004 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ponygirl · 27/06/2004 12:07

Hi Spook. Big HUG. Sorry you're feeling cr*p. Hope the wind on the beach blows some of it out for you. Ponygirl xxx

soapbox · 27/06/2004 12:13

Oh Spook do come back and talk to us when you feel like it...

In the meantime sending you lots of virtual hugs!

Jxx

Original poster
Janstar · 27/06/2004 12:19

Spook, of course we are here for you. Don't feel bad when you could be letting off a bit of steam to us. Or just sit and have a moan over the keyboard at least it gives us a chance to tell you we care and you've been heard. xxx

OP posts:
Blu · 27/06/2004 14:48

Here, too. xxx

spook · 27/06/2004 17:10

Hi everyone.I just don't know where to start. Basically he was horrible to me when I was away this weekend.I got back in the early hours of Monday morning and he got the boys up and just left. Took all his things-no note no nothing.That was absolutely horrible.Just knowing he'd been here and gone again.
I spoke to him yesterday morning and he was really really nasty. I asked him why he resented me going away for the weekend so much and he said "coz you don't have enough holidays do you?" He has played the "I'm a terrible mother" card on me again. He said the house was a disgusting mess-even though I spent 4 hours cleaning it on Thursday. Said I always leave things half done/unfinished. There were boxes that I'd started packing for Ibiza then stopped when I realised I couldn't go.
He hates me for going to Ibiza-now he hates me for not going. The fact that I am seeing a solicitor and want my finances sorted out is stupid and pathetic.."why can't we just carry on as we are?? I pay for everything anyway.I have done so much for you blah blah"
Then last night I let the boys stay up to watch the footbal-ds1 was desperate.At half-time he wanted to call his dad coz he was so excited.So he did and DH must have switched his phone on without realising coz we got 5 minutes of him and his girlfriend having a great giggle watching the match.My son heard this and so did I. And this is the man who was yelling at me how shit his life was just that very morning.
So to cut a long story short I had to rock both boys to sleep in my bed last night sobbing and absolutely broken hearted. They both called their dad and cried and cried to him. He was saying things like "mummy makes me unhappy" and "if I came home it would all be shouting"
He actually told ds1 that he would have double the fun now. Fun with mummy and fun with daddy. He sobbed that he wanted fun with us all together and dh said "but it wouldn't be fun.It would just be shouting"
Then he had the audacity to yell at me saying I was using the children and was terrible to put them in the front line. And what were they doing up to watch the football anyway on a school night.To which I replied "what were you doing in a pub with your girlfriend??" Who's the bad parent here??
It just couldn't get any worse.I feel desperate today. Everything that comes out of his mouth is wicked and he even denies that.Not only has he taken my self-respect as a wife away, he is trying to take my worth as a mother away too. He is leaving me with absolutely nothing.
he hasn't even called today to see if those poor children are alright. And Tuesday is his night to pick them up so I have to see him later. AAGGHH.

soapbox · 27/06/2004 17:22

Spook
I think you are quite right to feel badly affected by his attitude over the last day or so. He really isn't going to get better though is he???

You need to pick up and move on (and yes I know it is difficult). He needs to build a new relationship with the boys and that will take time. You also need to accept that you will play no (or little) part in their new relationship. And that must be crucifyingly painful.

You also need to start building a different type of relationship with him, but you can't do that on your own. You need him to meet you half way and find a new equilibrium that enables you both to fullfill your roles as parents to the boys and ex-spouses.

TBH I think any of us who have been through this will say that it is virtually impossible to get to this point until all the legal stuff is out of the way. Its too emotive a time on all fronts to expect everyone to sit down and be nice to each other.

You will get through this - I think you are a lot further on than you believe you are

You are the one who has taken emotional care of your boys - don;t let his twisted attacks on your mothering skills get to you - you know better than he does the full extent of how you have held your family together lately.

Lots of love jxx

Thomcat · 27/06/2004 17:25

Oh spook, sorry to read your lasts posts. Wish i could be more helpful. Just know I'm thinking of you, amongst otheres.

TC xxxxxx

ponygirl · 27/06/2004 18:12

Hi Spook, I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad and that he's treating you so appallingly. at him, to you plus a big HUG. He is a TOSSER and he's talking out of his arse. You are doing a great job with your boys, while he is incapable of being a good father atm.

I do so hope it gets easier for you soon. xxx

ggglimpopo · 27/06/2004 18:12

Message withdrawn

Blu · 27/06/2004 18:33

And frankly, if you chose to leave the house draped in mouldering cobwebs, and let the boys stay up until dawn every night, it wouldn't be his business anyway cos HE moved away! So take NO NOTICE of anything he has to say on that count. What a cheek!
Sorry you're feeling so down...but don't give in to his bullying and tantrums. Of course you need to see a sloicitor and sort out finances - why does he think it's ok to 'just carry on'...with you in a painful limbo - it's so unfair, and he's just bridling against the fact that the consequences of his behaviour are starting to take effect. By wanting to sort things out, you are the adult, and he is just stamping his foot. Stay calm, and have none of it.

spook · 27/06/2004 18:41

Thankyou everybody. I have just paid a ludicrous 18 pounds for an online astrology reading and that combined with all of you is really calming me down.What a SHIT SHIT SHIT couple of days.None of what he says makes the slightest bit of sense to anybody-except probably her. They probably tell each other exactly what the other wants to hear. God I HATE HER so much (I know-he did it too. But unfortunately I still love him. I absolutely fucking hate her)

ripley · 27/06/2004 18:45

Spook, he is acting that way because the marriage is coming to an end and having all the little things like you talking to your solicitors and thinking of going to Ibiza is finalising things more in his mind. From what you have written previously he does sound like he sits on the fence when it comes to making important decision and the fact that you are getting the ball rolling towards the end of the marriage goes against his nature - that is why he is acting like a complet a*hole to you because you are the only one he feels can act that way towards because there is nothing more he can lose (in essence a verbal punchbag). He knows what a lousy father he has been but in typical male fashion refuses to lay the blame at his own feet but puts it at yours because the truth - which he knows subconciously - is a whole lot worse. It is much easier for him to think that you are at fault.

Do not let this affect you, you have done nothing wrong. He is just battling his demons and hasn't come to the realisation yet that he is at fault. If he does any of that agin just remind him who the guilty party is; it might make hime angrier in the short term but at least it will hit home what a pr**k he is being. You should definitely confront on talking that way to your boys though. That is absolutely unforgivable because you should never talk badly about the other parent. ((()))

soapbox · 27/06/2004 18:47

OOOOh what did the astrology reading say??

I know how you feel - she is a bitch a big horrible bad bitch... how they live with themselves god only knows!

However, he is just as bad, if not worse... so don;t go letting him off the hook in your mind!

Original poster
Janstar · 27/06/2004 19:00

I'm so sorry things are so tough at the moment. It must be really winding him up to see that you have a life of your own, and plans, when he evidently has been thinking of you as some sort of member of staff he can pick up and drop as he pleases. Carry on regardless, I'm sure he would love to cow you into behaving as if you can't live without him, how else will he feed his massive ego? As for all that s**t about paying for everything, well, that's the way it often is when you have small children, that was what he agreed to, it shouldn't ever mean you are any less than an equal partner.

You were good enough when he chose you to be his life partner and mother of his children, and I am sure you haven't changed into a different person, he is looking for evidence that he was justified in going off with someone else, and of course there is none, so he is making some up.

Hold your head up high, take no notice of him, as others have said, he has lost the right to dictate to you. Your life is in front of you and you are its architect, not him.

OP posts:
spook · 27/06/2004 19:05

Hi Ripley. A verbal punchbag.That is exactly how I feel. I am the only one he can take his fucking guilt out on.I caused his actions after all didn't I!! So I am the one in the direct firing line. Do you all think he will ever realise what he did or is the dh I married long gone and this bastard is in permanent residence??
Soapbox,my astrology reading was very long but alot of the last few days and next few days say things about fighting battles wisely,keeping dignity,don't let the bastards grind you down,there's a change in the air etc etc.It all points to things being better off in the end-whatever the outcome.
I just wish they'd bloody hurry up.