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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for Spook 2

502 replies

Janstar · 09/05/2004 17:14

Here it is.

OP posts:
spook · 19/06/2004 10:46

Hi Earlybird and thankyou for your support.I have thought about that.I will have nowhere to return to but hoefully a pot of money to enable me to look for somewhere to buy? But it is a very very scary thought.I feel like I'm floating now with no real home and no grand plan. I have not only lost a partner but I've lost the life that I thought I had and it's up to me-noone else is going to do it for me-to sort it out.Oh shit.

Clayhead · 19/06/2004 11:12

Morning spook, good luck for your trip to the solicitor's today. Unfortunately I've no advice. Is it a solicitor you've dealt with before or someone you've never met?

Hope it goes well for you. x

Original poster
Janstar · 19/06/2004 11:24

Spook, you KNOW when a solicitor is doing their job properly and when they're not. You can just sense it. If you are lucky like me you will have one who talks to you just like a friend. A good solicitor will make you feel safe. Just sit down with yours and tell them everything.

OP posts:
sykes · 19/06/2004 12:28

Spook, I visited my solicitor about three times last year. Initially took a veyr good friend with me as he thought I might forget to mention certain things/not remember details of the meeting. My solicitor was great - very relaxed and sensitive to my situation. We talked through divorce proceedings (two-year sep/quickie on grounds of adultery). She gave me a standard form that has every single thing you could EVER think of that you can bring into your settlement. My friend entered it into a spread sheet for me and I'm happy to send it to you if it helps - it's good to jog your memory. The meeting wasn't as bad as I thought it would be - helped by going out with my friend afterwards.

spook · 19/06/2004 12:37

Hi Sykes.I would really appreciate if it you could send me the form.There's so much to think about. Do you mumsnetters think it's worth me contacting him this morning to see if he wants to meet for a coffee to talk.He sees his solicitor today too. Or does that smack of desperation and showdown? I am feeling very very low today. My life just seems to be running away and I feel totally out of control.

Blu · 19/06/2004 12:44

Hi Spook,
Wow, you sound really organised: well done - Spanish lessons for the boys etc - excellent!
Sorry ex is still playing his typecast worst: of course he is now doing the 'I know you have to do this but it will break my heart' act: it allows him the ridiculous pretence that he is sacrifincing his happiness in order to 'allow' you yours, and yet again absolves HIM of responsibility - 'you' have chosen to do this, and he is 'regretfully but generously' allowing you to do it. I am afraid you will probably hear lots more of same before you go. Take no notice.
Your little boy sounds such a darling: a lampost for Christmas! Are they excited?
Everyone understands that you still face very hard times - but you have taken a brave and positive step.
XXXXXXX

Blu · 19/06/2004 12:45

POsts crossed.
I'm not sure that contacting him when you feel so low is the best time to contact him. He is not the one who will make you feel better, is he?

sykes · 19/06/2004 12:46

Spook, just go, it doesn't mean that you will get divorced but it might make him realise how serious you are. I really didn't want to go and my friend had to virtually drag me there - it seemed so final but it's not, necessarily. Can you contact me through contact another talker and I'll send you the spread sheet?

ggglimpopo · 19/06/2004 12:48

Message withdrawn

ggglimpopo · 19/06/2004 12:52

Message withdrawn

mumski · 19/06/2004 13:03

Hi Spook
good luck today. when I went it wasn't as bad I had feared. However there is a lot of info. to take in and I came out feeling very tired. As the wise women say - girlie lunch and a chat would be the best thing and deal with him when your less emotional. BTW we could be in Bordeaux for lunch time if we left now!!

Earlybird · 19/06/2004 13:41

Spook - I wouldn't meet him for coffee to talk. It seems that it's upsetting most times you see him, so this is one of those times that you shouldn't make yourself available/vulnerable, IMO. Today will be challenging/emotional enough without making it more difficult for yourself. The risk of seeing your ex, and then going to the solicitor's office in a state is too great. The visit to the solicitor is important, and you need to be lucid. Agree with others - be good to yourself. Have a girly lunch, or do something you enjoy before you go to the meeting.

spook · 19/06/2004 14:08

Ok everyone.Thanks-your right.Won't call him.Just feeling absolutely desperate today(as I keep banging on!) Nothing nice to do today unfortunately.Am packing up my life into boxes for Ibiza and storage. So so sad but necessary unfortunately.I wish I could go to sleep and wake up and be a different person (still with my boys ofcourse) I am so sick of feeling like this.

Blu · 19/06/2004 14:21

REmember it's Monday, Spook: a worse bleugh factor than PMT if you've got a week with the boys at school to face. Dealing with the boxes IS positive, and well done for resisting calling him. He will only make you feel worse.

mumski · 19/06/2004 15:56

Hey spook you could be here with me trying to put a plan together for my team in 2 days with half my brain missing i think the Ads are now in to their stride as I can hardly string a sentance together let alone plan anything. Do you think anyone would notice if I curled up under my desk - thumb in mouth and go to sleep?

spook · 19/06/2004 18:51

Oh fuck.I have just been through an emotional mangle.My solicitor needs his address to serve papers and she has advised me not to go to Ibiza and leave the family home.Aagghh.What do I do????

sobernow · 19/06/2004 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu · 19/06/2004 19:09

Why did she advise you not leave the family home? Does she realise it is another of your properties that you are going to?
He WILL play the 'I didn't want this' tune over and over....'she upped and off-ed and I'm a victim' etc - will this effect teh settlement?
What else did she say?

Original poster
Janstar · 19/06/2004 19:30

If you start a new thread asking for anyone with legal knowledge you might attract the attention of mumsnetter who can explain this advice to you.

OP posts:
Thomcat · 19/06/2004 19:39

Ohno! Hope this situation with Ibiza works out. Think you should do as janstar suggest and statrt seperate thread for advice on lega matters.
Why did she advise you not to go????

mumski · 19/06/2004 19:44

Oh Spook so sorry about the solicitor. Can't help but but the other thread advice is good.

aloha · 19/06/2004 20:25

I assume she's suggested you don't leave as it may be hard to get back in, it will be very hard to get him to leave and it may encourage him to delay matters and push for a weaker settlement for you. But if you want to go, go. Why not call your solicitor and ask for her reasons why she thinks you ought to not go. In general solicitors say don't leave because almost invariably the person who leaves never gets back in and is generally in a weaker position to play hardball - ie they have to find somewhere else to live and need a settlement faster than the person in residence.

ggglimpopo · 19/06/2004 20:42

Message withdrawn

ladymuck · 19/06/2004 20:42

It is to improve your negotiating tactics. If you take the kids abroad (assuming that either you, dh or the kids are UK citizens) then you need his consent or a Court order. He can use refusal of consent as a lever to a better settlement. Also, he may be able to keep the family home in the UK as he has to have a base for contact in the UK (sorry haven't followed the thread, so don't know if you're assuming that you will be able to sell this). And once you have left there is no moving back. If you were to leave and have to apply to a Court for consent then they will look at how well thought out your plans are, so it is good that you have schools etc in order, but the timeframe could still be used against you - ie is it definitely in the best interest of the kids. Sorry to be brief - 2 small uns in background. Will post later if I can...

spook · 19/06/2004 21:42

Hi everyone.What an amazing response.Thankyou! Her reasons were that she never advises to leave the family home.If it needs to be sold for my settlement,once he is in it is very hard to shift him.A court order of sale (?) can take up to a year and even then he can make it as difficult as poss-not tidying up,not being home for viewings etc.And as you pointed out-once I'm gone and he's in (with or without her) there's no way back.
She also pointed out that as we're going for judicial separation I will have to come back for court appearances-difficult with kids in school and no child-care out there.
So all in all it's not looking good.Not that I will tell him that at this moment.But I certainly have got alot of thinking to do.Am going to Palma for weekend with my best friend.So no prizes for guessing what my main topic of conversation will be.It's a good job she really is my best friend!