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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for Spook 2

502 replies

Janstar · 09/05/2004 17:14

Here it is.

OP posts:
spook · 27/06/2004 19:07

Hi Janstar-posts crossed. Thankyou. You're right.I haven't changed. He has. And I won't let him dictate to me anymore. I don't think I should even entertain a conversation with him. Everything that comes out of his mouth is bile.

sykes · 28/06/2004 12:38

Spook, when my h was behaving in a similar way I cut all contact to a minimum. Only basic facts via e-mails. Still had to see him as he saw the girls about four times a week but I managed to avoid conversations etc with him. It helped at the time as any real communication was just too painful and ended with me in tears/shouting etc. Do you think it might help at all?

spook · 28/06/2004 14:00

Oh Sykes.I was going to email you to ask about this.Great minds! I cannot speak to him anymore. I am going to arrange to drop boys off at his mothers for weekend visits so I don't even have to set eyes on him. Exactly the reason I wanted to go to Ibiza. Out of sight out of mind is definately true in this respect isn't it?
Texts and e-mails are about the limit of my coping really.Feeling bit more in control today. He dropped boys off last night and I said absolutely nothing other than goodbye.Practically shut the door in his face.Just fuck off you sad middle-aged pathetic man. Whooaa there Spook!!

sykes · 28/06/2004 14:07

I'm, unfortunately, at work so do e-mail me whenever you want to. I got my nanny to be around for most of the time when I wanted to avoid h - it did help. Also, very clear to him that I wasn't going to engage in any stupid e-mails that he started to send me with "cute" stories about what our dds had done - told him it was completely inappropriate - bare logistics. Did you enjoy Palma at all?

spook · 28/06/2004 14:19

Hi Sykes. Yes I did enjoy Palma very much. But what I found hard-and this may seem trivial to some people was having no-one to share it with. We went to some lovely bars and things and normaally I would have been texting him and calling him to tell him all about it.We were always great communicators (yeah right) And he was really shitty to me whilst I was there. But me and my best friend had a good laugh and drank huge amounts of cava.It was just nice to escape this shit.Unfortunately I came back to a whole lot more!! But Palma is absolutely lovely.I would recommend it to anyone.
How's things with your dh??And WHY are you at work???!

sykes · 28/06/2004 17:49

Things wiht h are okay, still very confused and not sure if I'm doing the right thing. Start counselling very soon - short break next week with dds - it's a BIG cottage so lots of bedrooms. Work has handed over a bloody project to me that, try as I might, I can't get out of. I'm really p'd off as have lots of plans for the summer that I'm not going to cancel - just have to see what happens. Completely understand re the communication - my h and I were (at some point ...) and it's SO lovely to have someone to share things with. Glad Palma was okay. Anything nice coming up or a silly question?

Beccarollover · 28/06/2004 17:58

Hi pet - how do you fancy a trip with the boys to see shrek 2? Now tell me the prospect of that doesnt cheer you up :D

Also, me you and popsy need to meet again - this time Im leaving the car at home and can join you with the wine

((HUGS)) to you - hope today has stayed better than yesterday

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

spook · 28/06/2004 19:34

Hey Becca!! Yes today has been markedly better than yesterday. Sometimes things just seem so bleak. Drove past a bar today where I know their affair started and my head started going again. But I am so conscious of how damaging it is now that I try really really hard to chase the thoughts away. I starting to manage it much quicker.
I've already arranged to see Shrek 2 with my friend (oh and our children...) but have absolutely no problem with seeing it twice. Lets face it-once it's out on vid we're going to see a whole lot more of it!
Night out night out..YES!!

spook · 30/06/2004 19:25

Hi all. Was feeling OK. Felt sad again today. Texted him to say I would drop the boys off at 10.30 and pick them up later at his mums on Sunday-he can collect them there.As I've mentioned I really really need to cut contact with him and seeing him drive away from what was once our home is not my idea of fun.It drains what little energy I have left. He replied that he thought that was daft. 12.30 is better for him and he would pick them up here.
Yet again I am wrong and "daft" and another fucking confrontation is on the cards.WHY???? can he not just see things from my point of view for once???I have told him often enough how it kills me to see him drive away and any contact with him just hurts me. And why should I bow to his fucking times-12.30 suits him better so he can have a lie-in with his fucking girlfriend. It is absolutely exhausting for me-everything just becomes so difficult when from now on it doesn't need to be. It is going to get to the point where we can only communicate through our solicitors-and who benefits from that???The solicitors bank accounts.
Just WHAT IS IT that I have done to make him dislike me so much???

Original poster
Janstar · 30/06/2004 19:40

You haven't done anything to make him dislike you. He is convincing himself to dislike you because that is the only way he can justify his actions to himself. How could he live with himself if he admitted you hadn't done anything wrong? At this stage he can't deal with it.

If it's any consolation most breakups start off this way and the communication gradually improves again once the initial shock and misery wears off. People adjust to their new arrangements and patterns are established, and the need for difficult and painful conversations dissipates. As the period of grief begins to fizzle out, a new relationship will form between you and h where you no longer see each other as the enemy. You will reach a kind of truce where it may even be pleasant to see him once a week and have a cup of tea together while you discuss your sons. He will (hopefully) become a friend.

I know this all sounds ridiculous to you now because just the sight of him is still so painful to you. But I PROMISE it will happen one day. You may grow to like him as a friend, or you may find you can never like him again, but either way you will get used to seeing him without feeling all this intensity, and life will settle down.

Just ride the storm, as ever. It will come to an end one of these days, and you will look forward to the rest of your life with excitement again.

OP posts:
spook · 30/06/2004 19:48

Oh Janstar.Isn't it ironic that I get all this wonderful advice and people telling me how it will be one day because they've been there and deep down all I want is him back. Yes the complete bastard that he is I still love him dearly. Precisely why I am following all this wonderful advice and trying to cut out all contact I guess. It's just all too raw for me.Unfortunately for him it means nothing. Oh well-have e-mailed him to say-this is the way I need to do things. So am awaiting a no doubt unreasonable rude and selfish response.

Beccarollover · 30/06/2004 19:55

Hello Mrs Sorry today is crap - I remember so well how gut wretchingly awful this stage is - its like your forced to accept its over when all the while you thought you were treading water until he came to his senses.

Can I suggest you get on the phone now and make an appointment for a facial/massage - something that goes on for a good hour, I love getting pampered and you cant help but relax so at least if anything you will get an hours respite from the thoughts.

Im going to make an appointment for my eyebrows waxed at Simply Beautiful at the bottom of South Gosforth bank - they do a really lovely facial, I'll book one in for you if you like! You need to take each day (hour/minute) as it comes and really make an effort to look after you the best you can then hopefully the rest will be dealt with in due course with the passing of time.

Big Hugs to you

Dont let the bstard get you down - you are not wrong or daft or anything else he chooses to call you - your beautiful, funny and lovely and he will* regret letting you go Im convinced of that.

Right very cheesy message over

beetroot · 30/06/2004 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

spook · 30/06/2004 20:00

Hi Becca honey.That's exactly what I feel like-treading water until he comes home.People keep telling me he's not coming home. The prospect of that isn't as terrifying as it once was but I still don't think it's sunk in that I will be a divorced single mum while he swans off into the sunset with evil barbie bitch.
For what it's worth-where do I stand legally on her contact with the boys? He hasn't dared yet but at some point they're bound to see her (they do know her already) I will be physically sick when this happens I jus know it.Can I demand that she never see's them at least not for a long time??

spook · 30/06/2004 20:02

Hi Beety-posts crossed. I have e-mailed and agreed the 12.30 but said that I will drop them at his mums but he can drop them home here. I just can't face another row.

spook · 30/06/2004 20:10

Fucking hell. H in reasonable shocker. Had e-mail back-OK. Whatever suits you..does this mean you don't want me at school prize-giving on Monday. Well actually no I certainly don't but that would really upset the boys. So I replied that he must come but we certainly wouldn't be there as a family.

beetroot · 30/06/2004 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Janstar · 04/07/2004 01:06

Gone quiet again Spook. How's it going?

OP posts:
spook · 04/07/2004 15:13

Oh Janstar.I am trying to be so brave and have no contact atall other than the odd text message about the boys.I've been doing OK-his despicable behaviour last week seemed to make me stronger. There's only so much trashing a girl can take. But you've just caught me at a down moment. Most of the time I feel like I can do it then sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks just how much I miss him-bastard or not. And this is one of those moments!
It was prize-giving at school yesterday and it was really horrible-our first public outing as "no longer marrieds" He sat next to me which was great for the boys but made me feel a bit sick-almost normal if you know what I mean but horribly not normal in reality. I'm off to see my therapist in a mo and that always makes me feel totally drained.
I am trying SO So hard for the sake of the boys-it's 5 months now for goodness sake. Snap out of it Spook!

Original poster
Janstar · 04/07/2004 15:29

It's a long hard uphill struggle, isn't it? And no one can tell how long it will take. But just hang on to the truth: it will come to an end. And when it does you will be an even more rich-in-experience person, you will have faced so much that not much in the future will scare you. Your bond with yours boys will grow and grow. One day, when you are ready, a very lucky man will have your love and you will start again like I did.

You can never be really safe in life, none of us can, but you can reach a point where you have dealt with so much that you know there isn't much that can knock you down, and that is a great feeling.

OP posts:
Blu · 05/07/2004 14:43

Spook - Just to say I have been following all this - but not posted for a while. Just Listening.

spook · 05/07/2004 21:09

The stupid stupid stupid man.He's got pictures of her all over his fucking dressing table and the boys saw them.DS1 has just told me about them.Her lying on the fucking sofa in his apartment,her in a frame....how stupid and selfish and inconsiderate can a person be. EVERY single time I feel like I am edging my way out something knocks me right back. I know I get up again quicker each time but when will it stop?????

Original poster
Janstar · 05/07/2004 21:14

I know, Spook. Each step he takes in distancing himself from you is a fresh betrayal to you, isn't it? I wish I could give you a big hug. One day you will stop caring about all this. Your boys will survive because they are loved and that is the only thing that makes the difference. Children adapt far more easily than we do. They will get over it and so will you. And then one day you will love again. It can't not happen because you have so much to give. Next time will be better. I know it seems a long way off now but it will happen.

Just keep saying to yourself, ride the storm, ride the storm. Sooner or later the storm will end.

Are you coming down to see me in the summer, or will I have to come up there?

OP posts:
spook · 05/07/2004 21:18

Oh Janstar-I'm going to load up my jeep and head down! Thankyou {{{{{}}}} I sent him a text message saying "I would appreciate it if you would put your pictures of your girlfriend away when your children are around" and he can't even grace me with a reply. The fucker. It's not just me is it? It's totally unreasonable for the boys to have to see that?

Clayhead · 05/07/2004 21:20

No, it's not you. He is being unreasonable and thoughtless.