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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support for Spook 2

502 replies

Janstar · 09/05/2004 17:14

Here it is.

OP posts:
spook · 15/06/2004 15:41

Oh Janstar,I wish I was there eating one of your home-made cakes and drinking tea.I bet your house is absolutely beautiful in this sunshine

Janstar · 15/06/2004 15:45

My house is part lovely and part building site. We have done about half the rooms, the rest look squalid. And I hate cleaning.

My cakes are good though.

Come on down!

OP posts:
spook · 15/06/2004 16:22

Just got this text from a really old friend (male believe it or not!)

You have done nothing to deserve this baby.I know occupying the moral high ground seems scant consolation at the moment but hurt goes away.Shame and guilt on the other hand eat away at the soul. You'll be fine in the long run.They won't.

I thought that was so eloquently put.It could have come from the keyboard of Janstar herself.{{{{}}}}

Janstar · 15/06/2004 16:30

You know it makes sense (Del-Boy)!

OP posts:
Thomcat · 15/06/2004 16:33

blimey! I gaven't caught up wity you for a while spook, sorry about that, but I come back and you're moving. Wow, well done you. What a greatidea and how far you've come! I'm so inredibly proud of you you've really taken control and are being very strong. I admire you Spook.
Good luck with the move. You'll still be with us here on Mumsnet won't you?

mumski · 15/06/2004 16:50

Hi spook
sounds to me as if you are doing fabulously well. Have you set a date to go yet?
Keep strong

Janstar · 15/06/2004 16:52

Spook, do you think you will be able to come down and see me before you go?

We are holidaying in North Lincs this year so maybe we could meet halfway then otherwise?

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 15/06/2004 16:52

Message withdrawn

Beccarollover · 15/06/2004 16:54

wow! hear hear your friend spook - that is so well put and so true!!!

See you tonight :D :D

spook · 15/06/2004 16:56

Hi mumski,
We're going over for a week in July-then we have 2 weeks in St Tropez (tough luck) The house is actually rented most of the summer so we can't get in till Sept 11th. The boys start school on Sept 13th so it's perfect really. I'm going to drive down so will probably leave Newcastle round about Sept 8th. Gulp.Plenty of time for organising but believe it or not my boys actually break up 3 weeks today. They've only just chuffing well gone back.So they are well aware there's only 3 more weeks of school uniform left!!Anything goes in Ibiza (except hot pants and stilettos according to the prospectus.Hopefully no worries on that front)
How you feeling.Did you sleep last night??XXX

spook · 15/06/2004 17:00

Hi guys.Posts crossed. Thanks ggglimpopo.You sound so together.Hi Becca-see you later!!Janstar I would LOVE to get down and see you.Let me know your dates/when you're around.Hi Thomcat.How nice to hear from you. One of my first jobs is to get a landline installed and hopefully Broadband.Gonna be an expensive hobby if not!!

mumski · 17/06/2004 16:12

Hi Spook I'm so envious of all the exciting things ahead of you.
Flakey time... my friend and I went ot a psychic yesterday. partly as a laugh but came recommended by another friend and it was actually very accurate. Even though I put my wedding ring back on (yuk!), she made some very interesting observations as well as seeing me as a single parent as a life choice - wasn't my choice but what the hell. Did say I was going to have 12 months of hell (started already) but after I would be happy and fulfilled - can't wait. Has anyone else been to a psychic?

Beetroot · 17/06/2004 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Beetroot · 17/06/2004 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Beccarollover · 17/06/2004 17:27

Beety - spook, popsycal and I were out on Thursday night and it looks like coming to the summer party is a real possibility for us all - flying down on the saturday night - is there still room for us?

Janstar · 17/06/2004 18:38

Really, Becca? That's brilliant! Suggest you post on the Summer Party thread so Beety notices it quicker.

OP posts:
numb · 17/06/2004 20:35

hi mumski yes i have been to one about 2 weeks ago. She too came recommended and was also very accurate. She told me i had had a big separation that he wasnt right for me. Also said i had been throgh hell but happier times were to come. She said h would try to come back and that relationship wudnt last with her, but that i must not have him back EVER.

hope you are ok spook

spook · 17/06/2004 21:01

Hi numb. How you doing??And mumski and Granarybeck. The "Our partners are behaving like complete twats and losing the respect of everyone around them" club membership seems to be growing in numbers daily. Not good. The good news girls is that I am going to hold this years club convention in Ibiza and spend alot of my husbands money on champagne.
I'm OK thanks numb.Feel better today-this week has been hard.When the boys are at school/nursery I just seem to float around feeling shit. I have so much to do and am getting through it but I don't know. I'm obviously still waiting for a sign that I shouldn't go to Ibiza-unfortunately all signs are pointing the other way.I'm going and I know I must and I know it's totally the right thing to do.It's just not a situation I ever envisaged-especially not when we bought our beautiful family home in Ibiza!It still is a beautiful family home-just slightly different family!!
One day at a time eh girls...(in the words of Lena martell)

Clayhead · 17/06/2004 21:13

spook, glad to hear you are OK and sounding so focussed! You really do seem to have moved up a gear, you sound so much more together than a few months back (I guess you might not feel it but you seem it on here!).

Hope you a feeling a bit better too.

x

mumski · 18/06/2004 14:05

Hi Numb Spook Granarybeck
sounds as if we went to the same pyschic as she said very much the same thing to me (was yours in Northamton BTW?)
Hoping to get to the MN summer party too - it would be brillient to meet up with everyone. I've realised in the last couple of days how he tried to change me over the years. I used to be a real fun loving and extrovert person. But have become an anxious old f**t. Very determined to revert to type - so look out girls.........

numb · 18/06/2004 15:46

hi mumski you took the words right out of my mouth. I also used to be extrovert, confidentetc, feel like over the years i have been squashed and now the old me is slowly returning. Where and when is the mumsnet party, quite fancy that myself.

mumski · 19/06/2004 01:09

hi Numb there is a whole thread on it somewhere _ don't know how to do a link or I would find it for you!
It's at beetroots house in Somerset - a long way for me but it would be so much fun. see if you can come.

numb · 19/06/2004 02:41

thanks mumski i have found the thread if i can make it i will go

spook · 19/06/2004 10:06

Hi everyone. Feeling ok this morning but yesterday was a BAD day. He had the kids on Saturday night and when he droped them off yesterday he didn't even look at me.It just makes me feel so so low.We were married for 10 years for Gods sake.And I keep having to walk down the drive to shut the gates after him and watch him zoom off to his (new) penthouse and trailer park trash girlfriend and new life.The only reason I know where he's living is coz his PA told me. This is just the beginning of the downward spiral of not knowing each other anymore and having TOTALLY seperate lives.It's like the last 10 years were some sort of abberation to him and we just miraculously happened to have produced these two beautiful children which unfortunately means we have to keep in contact.
I see my solicitor today-and I suppose that's it.I will move forward with formal seperation proceedings.I can't move across Europe without having everything sorted legally.I need to know the impact behind me moving out of the family home etc.It is the last thing I want-I still can't quite believe he's going to let his family move hundreds of miles away-as we all keep saying-giving up so much for so little.How can he STILL make me feel so bloody desperate.I just know this summer is going to fly by and before I know it I'll be saying goodbye to all my loved ones and going.When oh when is the penny going to finally drop and the enormity of what is happening going to finally hit him.When it's far too late I suppose.
Any advice about seeing my solicitor would be hugely appreciated mumsnetters. XXXXX

Earlybird · 19/06/2004 10:43

Hi Spook - Haven't written lately, but have kept up with your situation. I think you're doing really well. What's good is that you're being proactive and you have a plan!

You're taking a control of your life, and that is empowering.......and scary. Well done for having the courage to try. I think it can be soul-destroying to simply sit and wait for your ex to make the next move. It is FAR too easy to feel like (and be) a victim to their whims. I suspect he is feeling guilty beyond belief, and that is why he can't look you in the eye. He's bound to have moments of wondering what in the world he's done, and of feeling terrible at how badly he's hurt all of you.

I've never been divorced, but I would suggest that you think ahead to what would happen if you wanted to move back to England down the line, once you're stronger. As you say, your friends/family are here, and you're moving away. It is an act of self preservation, and a way to protect your children too. But, there may come a time when you're feeling strong (and homesick), and want to come back. I would talk to solicitor about how to keep that option open for yourself in terms of housing/property. You might not want to come back to the same house, or area. But, the last thing you want is to feel trapped in Ibiza with no options to return home because you can't afford it, or have no place to go.

Go luck today, and stay strong. It is so hard, but you're moving forward and rebuilding your life.

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