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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for Spook 2

502 replies

Janstar · 09/05/2004 17:14

Here it is.

OP posts:
spook · 11/07/2004 20:44

Whoops-probably shouldn't have posted that should I??? Like I give a shit.

fairyfly · 11/07/2004 20:48

ouch at having a picture of her, try not to look at that site, must be really tough, would you like me to send her a very polite email about todays society?

spook · 11/07/2004 20:50

Yes fairyfly.That would be lovely.I thankyou

Beccarollover · 11/07/2004 20:51

Reply to your email Mrs :D

foxinsocks · 11/07/2004 20:54

bet she'll get bored of him (your dh) and chuck him out. I used to know a few people in the music industry and at her age (25 or whatever), I bet she'll go through men like drinking water - as long as she thinks it'll get her places.

Anyway, that's of no comfort to you I guess. You've got your lovely boys rather than some mental music witch to deal with so I think you have definitely got the better deal.

fairyfly · 11/07/2004 20:57

Who becca? Spook?

spook · 11/07/2004 20:57

It's done Becca {{{}}}

spook · 11/07/2004 21:01

Am going to DS1's play now. Will check in later. Are you really cross with me for being so vindictive all of you??

Beccarollover · 11/07/2004 21:03

(off topic)
I was referring to spook but

FF - how is your pc? I never heard back off you

Beccarollover · 11/07/2004 21:04

No honey, no one is cross with you - you are so very restrained and demure about it all in my opinion! I would be like screaming banshee

I reckon their PR must be pretty crap - I cant find any reference to them on google!

kalex · 11/07/2004 21:06

Spook,

Vindicative, NO NO NO NO NO

She is a silly cow, who will eventually get her comeuppance.

Hope your DS first foray onto the stage is a huge hit.

Hugs to you and the boys

Sorry have never posted before but you can't feel bad about this, HE is in the wrong

foxinsocks · 11/07/2004 21:09

no, you're very restrained. Really you are. I think your boys are lucky to have you as you sound like you're trying to keep it together for them and it's so important that someone is putting them first (as your dh so obviously isn't).

fairyfly · 11/07/2004 21:10

Not cross, she looks a bit like the horse my man is shacked up with, priorities messed up, full of themselves and one day will learn that life is not about being "cool"

spook · 15/07/2004 02:04

Hi guys. Can I just have your thoughts on this please before I send it. As we know,everything I do pisses him off but I need to get across what is happening without alienating him.

Dear K,
I really don't want to have any form of contact with you anymore but unfortunately we share two beautiful children so I feel I must. Our marraige is long gone.A conclusion that you obviously reached a long time ago. But your role as a father isn't and never will be as I'm sure you realise. So I think,before we go away and you see even less of the boys you probably need to know a few things and talk to your children about them. I can't play mummy and daddy.I am here for those boys 24 hours a day but they miss their daddy and need some reassurance.
Finn still cries for you most nights and now has an imaginary friend called Mr Nobody-who pops up every now and then to take a family photograph or snuggle up in the mornings for a family cuddle. In a very crowded car park just this afternoon Finn shouted out "Mummy, do you remember when my heart was broken? About daddy. When he left our house..."
Finn was talking about his kiss factory today-how he makes a brick and scratches a heart and the name of the person the kiss is for on it. Joe said-you wouldn't even get as far as the "d" in dad before he had to go away again.
Joe has nightmares most nights and cries. Most nights I have either Joe or Finn in bed with me.
The other day we were talking about our idea of heaven. Finn's had me and Joe and Spook in it. But Joes was a big house in the country with a huge garden and a Playstation 2 and daddy. I can probably do 2 out of three-not bad!
Since you left you have said that whenever anyone tries to explain to you what you're doing to your children it just makes you want to flee. Well,they are not the resilient little people that you think they are and taking them to the toy shop and letting them watch videos is not what they need. They need time and talking and constant reassurance. I absolutely adore those boys.The time we have spent together this last week have been some of the happiest days of my life. They are an absolute joy.They need space to run and fresh air and smiles and an ear to hear what they say all of the time. I must answer 200 questions a day.
"why is fire called fire"
"next year can we have our summer holiday on the moon"
"what is a million plus six"
"can I have a lamp-post for Christmas"
"do you think my bike looks like a girls"
So please. This is no longer about you and me. I am so unimportant and my pain is on the bottom rung now. It's the boys pain that I live with and it needs you as well as me to deal with it and try and fix their little hearts and heads. Melodramatic-no. Emotive-no.Using them as pawns-no. But it doesn't really matter to me now what you think of me. You are only kidding yourself.
I will change my plans for Tuesday,but it's for the boys.They need their daddy. You miss them terribly.Well they miss you more. Your choice.
G XX

soapbox · 15/07/2004 02:46

Spook - only just seen this and I am on my way up to bed!

I would say send it, but don't imagine that it will get any great response from him.

I think you have written this to the person who you thought he was, but he isn't that person now and probably never was. I am afraid that the person that he really is cannot see beyond his own selfish needs and sadly does not wish to put his childrens needs before his own

Jxx

ponygirl · 15/07/2004 11:15

Hi Spook. Did you send it? I think soapbox is probably right and it won't get much response - your ex doesn't seem to care two hoots about the effect of his actions on your beautiful boys. He says he does, but actions speak louder than words. Good for you for trying to get through to him. He probably won't believe that it really is about them not you, but once again that'll be the guilt talking. It's heartbreaking what he's done to them and well done you for being there to answer those questions and well, just be there. Good luck with it. [HUG]

spook · 15/07/2004 12:10

Hi Soapbox and Ponygirl.No I haven't sent it yet. I wanted to sleep on it. I'm having second thouights because I really really want the contact thing at an absolute minimum. But I also think he needs to talk to his children and see the effect of his actions. But you're probably right. It will just make him angry.

spook · 15/07/2004 13:43

Hi everyone. Janstar,Blu any of you out there? Would value your opinions on this one...

BeckiF · 15/07/2004 14:14

Hi I haven't posted for a na age on this thread but have been following the rollercaoster that is Spooks life since the start. I looked at the webpage and you husbands webpage, it's weird how life carries on normally when you're in turmoil. Anyway, I was sitting here having a cup of tea and my lunch and this song came on the radio and it kind of fitted the bits that I was reading. Here it is for you Spook and I'd just like to say that I think you have come a long way with plenty of dignity and your self respect intact. He clearly can't see beyond the fact that she is a young girl trying to sleep her way to the top .... twat!

LYRICS - ALL OF MY HEART
Once upon a time when we were friends
I gave you my heart The story ends
No happy ever after, now were friends
Wish upon a star if that might help
The stars collide if you decide
Wish upon a star if that might help

What's it like to have loved and to lose her touch?
What's it like to have loved and to lose that much?

Well I hope and I pray
That maybe someday
You'll walk in the room with my heart
Add and subtract
But as a matter of fact
Now that you're gone I still want you back

Remembering Surrendering Remembering that part
All of my heart

Spilling up pink silk and coffee lace
You hook me up, I rendevouz at your place
Your lipstick and your lip gloss seals my fate
Sentimental powers might help you now
But skip the hearts and flowers, skip the ivory towers
You'll be disappointed and I'll lose a friend

No I won't be told there's a crock of gold
At the end of the rainbow
Or that pleasure and pain,
sunshine and rain
Might make this love grow

But I hope and I pray
That maybe someday
You'll walk in the room with my heart
Add and subtract
But as a matter of fact
Now that you're gone I still want you back

Remembering Surrendering The kindest cut's the cruellest part
All of my heart

Yes I hope and I pray
That maybe someday
You'll walk in the room with my heart
And I shrug and I say
That maybe today
You'll come home soon

Surrendering Remembering Surrendering that part
All of my heart
All of my heart

Original poster
Janstar · 15/07/2004 14:27

Hi spook. While I and I'm sure most people can absolutely see what you are driving at, I do feel your h is going to see this as you trying to make him feel guilty. He won't understand that he feels guilty because he IS guilty and that he has made this mess himself. I don't think he will think about how sad dss are. He sounds to me like the kind of man who will go no further than how he feels himself. There are none so blind as those who will not see.

I know what you are trying to do but I'm sorry to say that I don't think you'll be able to acheive it. I really believe that you h is a selfish and self-centered man who is not going to give those children the support they need, no matter what you do. You may be better off conserving your energy than trying to change his nature.

It makes me really sad to write this

OP posts:
Original poster
Janstar · 15/07/2004 14:32

Ooh yes I've got a cd of that. Have to play it to spook when she comes to visit.

OP posts:
sobernow · 15/07/2004 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sykes · 15/07/2004 14:55

Spook, I wrote so many similar things to my h - all to no effect, at least initially. He has to realise the consequences of his actions himself and I really hope he does one day. My h did eventually, but it happened really along with his relationship falling to bits - because of his guilt, to some degree, of what he'd done to his family. Don't know what that says, really. Will post more later - friends just about to arrive and we're going out for lunch. Take care.

taramac · 15/07/2004 16:42

Spook I have never posted on your thread before as I felt I didn't know you or your situation as well as others obviously do but I have often thought of you over the last few months and the pain you must be going through.

I don't have first hand experience but my father did have an affair/affairs? when he was married to my mother. I was aware of his behaviour around women but wasnt certain about the affair/s until I was @ 20 and it was still very hard to understand. I found that he had contemplated leaving us for this woman and it did feel as if he had betrayed us as much as my mum.

I just wanted to say that I think you should feel very proud of yourself at the job you are doing with your boys. I would have felt very proud of my mum if she had coped with what had happened in the way you are doing. You sound like a wonderful mum who really didn't deserve to have this happen to her. The boys will be affected by what their father has done but with you as their mum they have a great chance at growing up emotionally whole and I think they will realise how much you considered their needs and emotions especially when you were suffering as well.

I hope I have conveyed what I am trying to do without appearing a bit over emotional - what you and your boys are going thru has pushed a lot of buttons for me and my thoughts are with you all. Take care.

spook · 15/07/2004 17:09

Hi Beckif.How nice to hear from you again. Those lyrics are very poignant. You're right-also showing my age completely knowing that it was ABC! And yes-you're right.Twat is the operative word.