I am interested in advice especially from men

[midlifehope]

I have a problem in that I feel I am pulling the weight of 2 people in my family. I have ds aged 3 and am pregnant. I work 3-4 days a week. Ds is in nursery or with dp when I work. However I also end up doing 95% of domestic stuff. Dp doesn't work having
recently taken voluntary redundancy and bought a yacht! He has way more leisure time than me and I am feeling incredibly resentful. Howdo I get him to change. I don't want to ltb Jesuits

By 'take charge' I assume you mean do everything? Housework, FT job, getting the DCs washed, fed and ready for bed, ironing, washing clothes, fixing anything that's broken during the day (toys, etc.), washing dishes, painting outside (by the way, you have no idea what relentless and boring is until that is your job and your job alone), preparing meals for the next day - because I already do all that, so what more would you suggest I do to 'man up'?

Is that not what more or less Op does while her lazy DP sits on his arse? Why do you act like you need a gasp of amazement or a round of applause josh but carry on like op nags?? How can you do all that if your DW has to ask you sometimes? Or are you just really slow?

You do realise that not everybody has enough disposable income to hire a painter (or a cleaner for that matter)

And you think I've never done my own cleaning and painting? I've got were I am by hard graft. I've stripped my own walls, painted inside and out, hung wallpaper, sanded my own floors...

Although it's partly a question of priorities - I don't spend money on Playstations...

It's pretty clear that you think it's okay to split one element of the household work but not the other (basically, under no circumstances can a man have enough to do)

?? You're just inventing things now...

Voyage, my question is, do you think there's a reason why women have higher housework standards?

cailindana

No, but it is an old house which was put up cheaply, so it needs a lot of attention, and the winters where we live are very harsh (and hiring local painters and cleaners would be a non-starter) which is hard on an old house. It's hard work, and my DP does not share the load, despite working PT and despite us sharing household chores equally. Hence I find it incomprehensible that not sharing chores is seen as a cardinal sin here, but not sharing more demanding (and frankly, more important, in terms of keeping us warm and dry) work is not considered an issue.

Who's not considering it an issue? The OP is about a woman who does everything - working, childcare, the lot. Where was DIY mentioned?

"You realise that single parents of both genders do all your list without fuss."

I look forward to seeing that, word for word, on the next thread where someone complains their DH should be doing more.

cailindana

Fair point - my apologies to the OP for digressing/hijacking.

If he can afford a yacht, then you ought to be able to solve this problem by putting your equivalent funds toward household help.

If your relationship has you living off your part-time income, and responsible for the household, while he doesnt work but can afford a yacht, then you have accepted a very odd way of defining mutual love and support. It's like you live two seperate lives, with you providing sex and housekeeping to him at a very cut rate cost as you support yourself with a part time job. Nice of him to mind the child when nursery is closed though.

Because a single parent doing everything of necessity and a wife doing everything while her husband plays on the internet is the same issue... What you described is what a lot of wives do and they don't expect a pat on the back.

That was to Josh ^^

Hence I find it incomprehensible that not sharing chores is seen as a cardinal sin here, but not sharing more demanding (and frankly, more important, in terms of keeping us warm and dry) work is not considered an issue.

When has that ever been said? If you started a thread saying that you and your wife share the household and childcare chores 50:50 but you were doing all the DIY because you couldn't afford to pay anyone, I would say sit her down and say you expect her to do 50%. There may be some things that she's not physically strong enough to do, like lifting stuff, but presumably you could give her a larger share of the ones that don't require strength.

You reckon there are biological reasons for women preferring tidy houses Voyage?

Then me and dh are biological and cultural freaks because he has much higher standards than me.

Who knew?!

Twinklestein

Apologies to you as well as the OP. I'm aware I've digressed/hijacked and know that's bad form.

We clearly won't see each others point of view on this thread, which is a shame as I generally like your posts.

It really doesn't matter who does what job as long as it is an amicable agreement. The important thing is that OP feels valued and her dp pulls his weight. The division of tasks will vary hugely from one couple to another.

At the moment he is yachting while Rome burns.

Eh? Do you mean in terms of periods? How does that equate to wanting a cleaner home?

I think there are a whole raft of reasons. Some biological some cultural.

Did anyone else wince at that?

Is it something to do with vaginas being 'self cleaning' while penis's are not, perhaps?

Wtf?

Er what?