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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am interested in advice especially from men

403 replies

midlifehope · 04/06/2015 17:04

I have a problem in that I feel I am pulling the weight of 2 people in my family. I have ds aged 3 and am pregnant. I work 3-4 days a week. Ds is in nursery or with dp when I work. However I also end up doing 95% of domestic stuff. Dp doesn't work having
recently taken voluntary redundancy and bought a yacht! He has way more leisure time than me and I am feeling incredibly resentful. Howdo I get him to change. I don't want to ltb Jesuits

OP posts:
SmillasSenseOfSnow · 07/06/2015 00:17

Bear in mind that men hate being humiliated, [...] especially by women.

Hmm... and why might that be, do we think?

Do we need a 'NotAllMen' hashtag here?

If my partner was especially humiliated when it was a woman doing the humiliating, I would not be in a relationship with him, because he would be a cunt.

excitedbutscared · 07/06/2015 00:24

Is he suffering from depression - but neither of you realise? Just thought I'd throw that in there.. Especially if this is a new thing of his

Lweji · 07/06/2015 07:51

I don't know.
Do people with depression buy expensive toys and berate others for doing jobs they should actually be doing themselves?

I suspect this is not new at all. He has had other outdoor habits, and I'd guess he has always bailed out on family and house work, except that he used to work FT before and the OP took the major brunt of the responsibility.
The OP is also in a more vulnerable place, being pregnant, no marriage ties, and less likely to dump him.

VoyageOfDad · 07/06/2015 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/06/2015 09:13

So you're pulling in stuff from other threads Confused but then saying that is unlikely to be right based on the info in this thread? Umm

It's considered poor form to do that- not least because it confuses everyone else who hasn't done an advanced search on a posters history.

VoyageOfDad · 07/06/2015 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HFarnsworth20 · 07/06/2015 09:51

Just as an aside, but isn't the purpose of a redundancy payment to be used as a cushion for a period of unemployment, in lieu of income?

So spending it on a 'treat', with a young family, with no guarantee of upcoming employment, is hideously irresponsible.

Twinklestein · 07/06/2015 10:14

Well quite. An intelligent man would have invested it in something that would provide profit and income - a deposit on a BTL flat for example; not sunk it on an old boat. At the very least he could have put it in a savings account.

He doesn't really see himself as married.

Lweji · 07/06/2015 10:58

I would think anyone with half a brian cell would see what back story there might be.

Anyone with half a brain cell, and half decent would have posted a link to the thread they obtained the information from.

Lweji · 07/06/2015 11:01

He doesn't really see himself as married.

Because he isn't. That's quite an important point.

I'm afraid the OP will be left on the street holding the babies if she causes too much trouble. Particularly after being the one on PT, while he held a FT job. And lives in his house.

minandensommerhus · 07/06/2015 11:20

Agree so much with MsSmilla.

We've all been humiliated at some point, and if/when it happens, the most humiliating aspect of an humiliating experience is what we did or said wrong, not the lowly status of who called us out on it.

minandensommerhus · 07/06/2015 11:31

voyageDad it's not a good thing to say you're putting a roof over OH's head. My x said that to me for years as though i ought to be grateful but as i'd no rights to his house it was only a temporary roof, dependent on his whim. I'd have been better off leaving sooner and feathering myown nest. which i did eventually, but i would have been better off starting that process on my own earlier. having a roof over my head Hmm only slowed me down.
I'm not having a go at you. it's just not necessarily something a woman should be grateful for . it's a real no man's land.

HFarnsworth20 · 07/06/2015 12:01

"Putting a roof over" someone's head also suggests they are not a real partnership - ie, "my money" rather than "our money".

Lweji · 07/06/2015 12:50

The solicitor comment:
My Solicitors said a fucking scary thing to me though. As I work full time and dp took redundancy, he could claim he is the main carer and go for custody. (edited typos)

He "could claim" and "go for it" is not the same as could get. It actually means she'd have a court fight on her hands IF he decided to go for custody.
I doubt he would actually go for it, as he is so selfish, and I also doubt he'd get it based on the evidence.
All it would probably take would be some light interrogation about the children's lives.

Fairy13 · 07/06/2015 13:04

I posted an almost identical thread to this when I was pregnant.
I got very similar responses and I was so upset. But do you know what? They were harsh, but totally right. I know it's not that easy. I know you have kids, shared finances etc but you do not deserve this.

I tried getting a cleaner, tried chore charts to 'point out just what needs to be done to run a home'. None worked. Because if you are with a selfish child who is happy to watch you work yourself into the ground, that will not change.

undoubtedly · 07/06/2015 13:08

Quite right Fairy.

They're also the ones who, once you've split, start cancelling "their" Saturday with the kids because they're tired from work, or they've got stuff to do.

You can't change a selfish immature prick, unfortunately!

Twinklestein · 07/06/2015 13:12

Because he isn't. That's quite an important point.

Well quite. He doesn't himself as part of a functioning family unit, he see himself as a single separate entity. Thus the redundancy payment isn't invested or saved for family, it's blown on an ageing boat that only he can benefit from at this stage.

Lweji · 07/06/2015 13:41

ExH was actually a SAHP and I worked full time.

There were other reasons for me to go for full custody, but he had always said he'd go for full custody and take DS away.
He has only contested the maintenance payments and can hardly manage once a week on Skype.

(the right thread this time)

undoubtedly · 07/06/2015 13:47

The idea that this loser will even want 50:50 seems ridiculous to me.

My exh threatened me with going for joint custody once, until he realised it wouldn't reduce his maintenance payments....

HFarnsworth20 · 07/06/2015 14:13

Thus the redundancy payment isn't invested or saved for family, it's blown on an ageing boat that only he can benefit from at this stage.

This is probably unfixable now, even if he agrees to sell it so that the money can be used for family maintenance, cos unless he finds a mug he won't get what he paid for it, so that money is gone.

Original poster
midlifehope · 07/06/2015 15:22

I'm back. Can we look at this from another angle- can I ask mums how much leisure time mums have, on average, per week? How many nights out, time to do a hobby or interest? And how much on chores / work. Perhaps that way I can see what an 'ideal' set up looks like??

OP posts:
SmillasSenseOfSnow · 07/06/2015 15:34

I'm not a mum but the ideal is surely 'the same as the other parent gets'. What possible reason is there for it not being?

HFarnsworth20 · 07/06/2015 15:36

midlifehope

I note you ask for men's advice so hope it's fine to give mine.

I work FT, my DW works PT. We never really had a moment where we decided who does what, or came up with a rota or anything. We just deal with work as it needs dealt with.

For my own part, I do all the ironing. I am home one day a week (DCs are both preschool) so wash all the clothes in the house then. I cook when I am home (one day through the week plus Sat/Sun, plus I cook a meal on Sunday for heating up on another weeknight).

DW hoovers and dusts once a week (although DD1 likes the dusting!), and does a wash on Fridays. She also takes DCs to their little playschool on Thursdays, and I drive them to their childcare one day per week.

This generally leaves DW with some leisure time each night (although DW handles bills and stuff so she often deals with these in the evenings) and we usually have some leisure time at the weekends to do bits and pieces. DW also meets up with pals for lunch every week, although this is usually in her breaktime at work. DW did a few night classes for her hobby earlier this year which was lovely.

Saturday night is our night to open a bottle of wine and watch something.

Because of where we live and tight budgets we don't get nights out much, but we're usually quite tired at the weekends so couldn't manage hangovers anyway!

Vivacia · 07/06/2015 16:01

I get the same as my DP. We get the chores done together and then have the same leisure. If I know he was home alone to do the dinner and kids when I went out last night, I'll make sure I return the favour.

Fairy13 · 07/06/2015 16:15

I don't know, because I'm a single parent now.

But I'll tell you what. I do considerably less housework, live in an infinitely cleaner house, am much less tired and stressed. Because now, Im only cleaning up after one child, not two, and the emotional strAin of being treated like shit is not there.

It should be equal, love. In fact, he should do more because he is at home all day and your son is at nursery.