I am interested in advice especially from men

[midlifehope]

I have a problem in that I feel I am pulling the weight of 2 people in my family. I have ds aged 3 and am pregnant. I work 3-4 days a week. Ds is in nursery or with dp when I work. However I also end up doing 95% of domestic stuff. Dp doesn't work having
recently taken voluntary redundancy and bought a yacht! He has way more leisure time than me and I am feeling incredibly resentful. Howdo I get him to change. I don't want to ltb Jesuits

cailindana

Totally agree with you, but would also say that the terms of this change with economic circumstances - a woman in a higher class/earning bracket will have more social power than a man on the lower end of the scale. Again, not in all individual circumstances but as a general rule.

Can you point to where I said Victorian repression sprung up unbidden, please?

Can I ask what you have done to address these issues? In a professional capacity I have worked to increase access to childcare, promote sectors where females are underrepresented and analysed gender gaps in employment to support policy changes. Just talking achieves nothing.

What I meant was you carefully didn't refer to men (despite the fact that in your examples men were the only people with any real power to control these things) - you implied social structures were to blame as though they exist independently of those in power.

In terms of contribution, I assist people who have been abused.

I thought where I said that you should look at who benefits from the status quo then 'men' would have obviously been implicit. Clearly not, so I will make it explicit - over the years the prevailing social structures (political, religious, economic, philosophical, dogmatic) have been created and sustained by men. The access to social power has been held overwhelmingly (although not exclusively) by men.

Changing these would benefit not only women but men too - a more diverse labour market, for a start, and the disproportionate male suicide rate does not exist independently of these social structures. But the primary beneficiaries, in terms of greater opportunities across the board - economic, educational, personal - of this would clearly be women.

Indeed, the aim of feminism is to improve the lot of women, but there are hugely positive effects for men too.

Totally - what's good for men should obviously not be the endgame for feminism, but more women in the workplace, changes in what is considered "men's work" or "women's work", different family setups, etc., etc. would all be hugely positive for men and women.

For a start, we could stop people like Alternative being forced out of fulfilling careers because of sexism.

I'd rather start with reducing the numbers of women raped, killed and mutilated every year, but that's my personal preference.

So has the purpose of all this been to make that rhetorical point? Trying to score a cheap shot like that from someone who agrees with you is pretty low.

He won't step up even when his second child is born because he only cares for having his own needs and wants met.

You don't know that. He might have been pushed into redundancy, feel like he's lost face, be trying to convince himself he's Simon Cowell, but snap out of it when the baby is born.

You can't make people change, but he might realise what he's got to lose and decide to change.

He might previously have seen himself as provider and needs to get used to the change in roles.

You're making a judgement on very limited information and when it's a man who's being judged the attitudes towards him are almost always negative, when it's a woman they're far more forgiving. The thread about the man whose wife won't take criticism is a perfect example. No way would people be accusing him of being the manipulative and abusive one if he was female.

I genuinely don't know why you consider it a cheap shot - can you explain?

And just to be clear I agree that OP's DP is being an arse. But think it's hypocritical to accuse him of being a sexist prick, that he's equally responsible for housework and childcare, then say but don't worry, he won't get custody of the kids if you split.

Who said that? Chances are he won't want custody, given that he doesn't do any childcare at the moment.

Sleepless

I refer you to an earlier comment that OP (who likely won't come back) made:-

"I didn't want him to stop work but he reckons he was half pushed. He's made no real effort to look for anything else. He claims he's taken a sabbatical but deep down I think he thinks he's retired. He's always looking pretty pleased with himself while Rome burns domestically and romantically and it makes me feel like I want to slap him across the face tbh"

He saw redundancy as an "out", an excuse. He is as happy as a clam with his boat and is not bothered about anything else. If he is happy with his life now then another child will not change his overall lifestyle or set up. OP will be left to work her hours and look after two children at the same time.

"He might previously have seen himself as provider and needs to get used to the change in roles".

Altogether now ahhhhh. May I remind you that he is an 50 year old man and not five. That is a pathetic excuse and OP has herself not had that particular luxury.

It was said further up the thread - a couple of posters reassured OP that her DP would be unlikely to get residency. The flip side of men taking on equal shares of domestic duties and childcare is that they are also equally likely to get residency. We can't pick and choose the bits of equality that benefit us.

Attila, do you know how hard it can be to find a job at 50 now?

Sure but he likely does not want a job, besides which his partner works.

He likes his boat and probably spends more time with that in a week than he ever does with OP. When he's there he leaves the place in a mess.

You get made redundant at 50, you know it's hard to find another job at that age and you have a young family, so what do you do? I know, buy a yacht and fuck off, consider yourself 'retired'!

The OP said she works 3-4 days and her DS I'd in nursery or with her partner on those days. That's the entirety of the childcare he does, even though he doesn't work. Why would he want full residency?
The father generally won't be given residency of a newborn.

Ok this is my solution, what you need is for him to un-retire, ie get a job. Bear in mind that men hate being humiliated, especially in front of their friends and especially by women. So pretend to be sorry and invite him and some of his friends to a pub, it helps if the friends are hard working types who look down on slackers. When they are a few drinks in start making fun of him with names like Captain Bird's-eye, or Captain Never Does Any Work Because he's Watching Cash in the Attic, then say, "oh I've got a good idea, let's spend all of our money on a boat we can't afford when we've got a baby coming", he'll get really annoyed and hopefully his friends will join in and then say, "you'll never get a job anywhere but B and Q anyway" and so on. I've done this before and it works really well, at worst you'll have a laugh at his expense.

Where on earth does the OP say that a solicitor told her he'd get residency?

Sure, humiliate your partner and/or get a laugh out of him.
Because he's such a great partner that he will still ignore his family, but it's fine because he'll get back to work, because he listened to his mates.

The OP's problem is not so much that he's not working but how he treats her and how much input he gives to his family.

My belief is that he'll do more at home once he's over his little crisis...

Little crisis, or major arseholeness?