My wife - she just cannot handle any 'criticism'- big nor small- HELP

[Husband99]

Things are pretty rough. I just cannot raise anything with my wife without her just getting angry and now I'm stuck to know what to do. It seems I either just shut up- no matter it is- or it will kick off. The former just doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live.

Mostly things that come up are just petty. For example, I hate being late. She is always late when we have to leave for things. That puts me in a grump; I know it does- and need to get perspective- but I also do not think these things are the end of the world. What makes these situations far worse is how she reacts. Then it becomes her angry reaction (that always happens) that we argue about the reaction, and not the tiny thing that initially caused it that becomes long forgotten.

Basically she flips and loses her temper every time I raise even the tiniest issue and things immediately switch and she says that she is the one hard fine by having to deal with this. It just puts me in a position where I cannot raise any issue with her or else she will just flip. She never quietly considers a point, reflects, try's to appreciate where someone else (i.e. me) is coming from. Her instinct is always to just get angry and go on the 'attack'- every time.

I do my best to remain calm in these instances, but she quickly raises her voice and slips into personal insults like calling me a 'prick ' - I'll admit, I resort to saying things back at times. I am not perfect- my patience is not infinite and I know this is damaging to our relationship. To be honest, I do this as I feel bullied. I am forever in these instances saying 'but I am the one whose is upset with something you have done- why are you shouting at me?'. I just don't understand. We do discuss this, but nothing changes.

She doesn't seem to see that she makes things more significant than really need to be by her angry reactions. Because I don't react this way in reverse, she also feels that I raise a lot if things with her and just fails to see that I am not more pedantic, I just am able to listen when things that she raises are said to me. They get quickly forgotten and aren't even remembered because I don't get angry- I take heed and listen. It's just when I am upset or frustrated with something, her reaction is so predictably extreme and aggressive that I think it becomes memorable. There is always an excuse. How I raise things; the things I raise etc - what is consistent is the angry reaction not seeing that I have tried everything. My one option that I feel I have is to just not say anything.

Let me explain how crazy this can be. On occasion, just recently, we were travelling in the car and playing a game to pass the time- 20 questions. My wife got frustrated, thought I was being patronising as she was having difficulty guessing who it was (I know- I cannot believe I am writing this!) and she said 'God you are a wanker'. I was a little stunned and calmly said, 'ok- I don't want to play anymore'. Because we were on a car journey, I couldn’t take time out to get away and collect my thoughts, so I just plugged in my ipod- all calmly. She did say why did I want to listen to my ipod, and I said I didn't want to just sit here in a her moody silence (yes- she got moody with me despite it being her calling me a personal comment) and I just wanted to zone out and relax. No shouting - all very calm. I was upset.

This ended up being a blazing argument - I just don't understand why a moment of reflection doesn't arrive where she calmly, genuinely says sorry and feels sorry for what she did. Instead she gets angry about the fact that I am upset/ annoyed with what she did.

Ultimately I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this. I am on her team. But her constant anger is so tiring. I don't respect it. I feel like I have to walk constantly on egg shells and that I am unable to share anything without it being a blazing argument- big or small.

Its horrible.

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink" ... I sense a danger of your getting so embroiled in trying to diagnose and fix your wife, that you lose sight of yourself and your own welfare. If she doesn't want to admit she's battling emotional issues internally (and most people don't - it feels terrifying) you can't make her. She's an independent, functioning adult. She will come to her own choices, whatever they may be, in her own time. And you, yours. There's a limit to how much we can influence another adult.

You can suggest three-pointed counselling, as Just says. If this happens it will probably stand you both in good stead for the future, separately or together. But all you can do is suggest.

I rather liked your phone's made-up word!

I agree with the overall gist of your post, Melon - feelings are valid; they can't be 'wrong' or 'right', they're just feelings. But, if accepting her as she is means accepting instructions like "don't use long words", that means accepting abuse.

The only way round this is for her to accept her feelings of inferiority (?) & irritation exist, but do not merit being translated into verbal attack. I think that's a big ask ... probably too much of an ask in this situation. Without therapy, the only way to achieve this is through self-censorship and suppression. It builds resentment still further. She'll end up buried in her paper grudges!!

Melonfool: “It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself.”
? Eleanor Roosevelt

This makes sense to me- and if someone is more sensitive about x than another, we at least have to be able to talk about why- but acknowledge the premise above- no?

Well, yes, and I didn't go into that, only the specific quote I was referring to where the OP seems to reject her feelings as being valid at all.

Thanks - please don't think I am dismissing her feelings. Absolutely not- I said I will not search for my ex on FB again. Is this addressing root cause- not at all.

I just don't understand why she cannot see that her ask of me is more than what she does herself- ok- that's because its her insecurity, but I would never ask anyone to do something I would not be willing to do.

I totally take the point that I cannot fix her. She has to have a light bulb moment to save what we have (left) and its abundantly clear that I am not the one who can provide that- it has to come from inside her.

I have suggested our next step be with a third party to be calm, open and honest and plan the way forward- together or apart. Forward nevertheless.

Melonfool Its not that I do not take her feelings seriously. Feelings are objective truth- you cannot help how you feel; but what I struggle to see is that what she asks of me, she is not willing to do herself- in truth, I think she pushed it more- ie. wanting to meet with an ex (the one who things ended quite badly with). I do not ask any of these things. I am not in contact with any of my exes nor wish to be- do you see the imbalance.

In a sense, it is all 'coloured bubbles'; I cannot make this better alone

"we at least have to be able to talk about why- but acknowledge the premise above- no?"

There may not be a "why", just how it is.

And, to your second - no - you don't have to subscribe to every quote you see on a birthday card in Clinton's!

And the 'premise' (I wouldn't call it a premise) is based on some notional idea of what is 'fair', isn't it? Adults know that life is not fair, nor neat and tidy. Eleanor Roosevelt has no more authority on what is fair than I or your wife do.

"do you see the imbalance."

Why does the imbalance matter? It's totally subjective anyway, it's like you're looking for 'faults' with her. As I said, which you don't seem to have understood - just because you don't want to do/ask for something (adults don't ask permission anyway) doesn't mean she shouldn't, she is not you, she is a different person.

And if her seeing exes does not upset you than that is fine. If you seeing exes does upset her, that should be fine too. No imbalance, just two different people having different reactions to things in this life that is not 'fair.

If you were a woman, the full force of MN would have been screaming OW at you from the get go, especially now with your most recent posts detailing her blaming you and pushing you away.

Cherchez l'homme.

But it's utterly controlling Melonfool. I sit in my box and get slapped down for being curious on FB about someone from my past, with no intent other than curiosity, while I sensitively deal with my wife asking if she can meet an ex (who still emails her saying he loves her) to go for coffee? Seriously?

CateCadiz I don't quite understand- can you explain ?

That thought has not been absent from my mind either, Cate.

Whatever the root cause/s of things going desperately wrong, though, H99, desperately wrong is where they've gone.

You can't have a good marriage all by yourself.

We're acknowledging the possibility she could be having an affair, H99, or starting one.

The partner who puts less effort into the home relationship is the one most likely to cheat.

Cheating partners build a mental narrative that the home relationship is poor/problematic - to justify their action to themselves.

As part of this narrative, cheating partners blame & criticise their spouse for minor or imagined failings.

Cheating partners create excuses not to engage fully with trying to mend the home relationship.

Cheating partners accuse their spouses of cheating, or wanting to.

I asked her this last night and she went crazy.

Well ... she would, wouldn't she.

Has she agreed to counselling with you? Do you feel she's fully motivated to be emotionally honest and go through what it takes to repair your marriage?

Whether or not she's cheating is technically immaterial - although it makes it a hell of a lot easier to understand, have your feelings about it, and detach.

Here's a thread on "The Script". Swap the genders. See what you think.

Fucking painful reading...Shit. How the hell do I find out if this is the case?

No commitment yet- she is treating me intentionally abysmally (I think) to push me over teh edge, rise to the bait and vindicate a decision she has probably already made.

She teaches a class on friday. I rang the teacher just now - quite innocently to ask if she said she whether she was going to continue teaching it. He said work was too busy for the foreseeable future.

He knows more than I do.

I really feel for you Husband99. I wish she would just open up and be honest with you. It's painful to read all of this and I can't imagine how awful it must be for you.

CaramellaDeVille tell that to the gas lighting accusing gits earlier in the thread.

CaramellaDeVille sorry- feeling a little punchy :(

Fascinating thread ("The Script")!

I'm surprised at the number of posters who keep emphasizing the validity of the OP's wife's "feelings" and perceptions re so many of the issues the OP has raised here. Feelings exist outside of reason and logic and so are true, "valid," or real per se. But a person's feelings may be at odds with reality and intensely selfish and immature and, when acted upon, destructive and damaging. As Gilrack and so many other posters have stated just reverse the genders. (And the Facebook example is just one minor example of the basic "blindness" to the concepts of fair play, reciprocity, and compromise that his wife evidences.)

Forget the gits.

Cherchez l'homme indeed. I would bet my bra strap there's an extra curricular bloke in the mix here, mainly because people have a 'tell' that shows what they really want. Your DW's tell was the moment she said that if you got in the taxi you were to stay gone. She was expressing her innermost want. To clear you off out the way. You said all this started four months ago and that would have been when she started having feelings for him or met him for the first time.
How do you find out? Mmmm...if it were me, I would start some major league sleuthing. I would have to find out by fair means or foul and if this involved a disguise, hiring a car (so she didn't recognise) etc etc etc. so be it but I would sure as hell have to see it with my own eyes that she was in bed by ten with cocoa and not meeting anyone away from the marital home or having someone there, before I could move forward much.
Many of the signs are there in your OP and subsequent posts. I bet there's masses more stuff going on that you are not noticing and all of this is meant kindly OP. I have been there and recognise the signs as have many others on MN. You are describing the feelings I had with my ex and then finally the truth dawned, a tiny bit of snooping that involved borrowing my bosses car for one evening of stalking and I had my answer writ large. Time to get proactive Husband99 if only to dismiss it as a possibility.

Husband99, even if she is cheating on you then it doesn't practically change a thing. You are unhappy. Something has to change in order for that situation to shift.

I suggest breaking up. Who cares if she blames you for it?

Having said all that, I do feel you are trying to reason with someone who is being either deliberately unreasonable (maybe for the reasons above or maybe not) or is stamping her foot and effectively saying, 'I am unreasonable, that is the way I am, like it or lump it'. Both hellish hard to deal with. I too sympathise with you OP because whilst I am sure you have not been perfect in all this, at least you are trying to apologise to her for your part and try and make a fresh start. She doesn't seem to want to hear it and appears to wish to behave like a spoilt child end the marriage.