Left an abusive relationship..I think I'm about to go back

[Happyandsimple]

I cannot believe I'm writing this here. I am sad to right this here. Because you all supported me when I thought there was no way out. You helped me through all my objections as to why I can't leave. I'm embarrassed to even be considering being miserable. I can't read my old post as it makes me shake thinking about the place I was in..But I split with him in Feb thanks to u all. And i never once regretted it..til now.kidney removable in 2 weeks and I been told no lifting kids for 6 weeks. How can u not.lift 2n 3 yr old..I lift them all time. I have no help. He's started creeping up on me Again. Showing how helpful he is.. And now I am worried about how I will cope after surgery when I won't even be able to stand straight. Be on strong meds for 2 weeks. He said he's ok to havs the kids a few days..my only optiom is to ask him to.move in for 2 weeks I'm devastated to move back to the start. But I see no option. And i feel trapped again. Maybe it's not so bad. Two weeks then tell him to leave. I don't know I can't see a way I can cope. I haven't contacted adult.services to see if there's any help available after surgery I have to ring after surgery.. It's sad to think I'm even considering it after all this but it's okay temporarily isn't it? Kids arnt effected he hasn't said anything That bad in awhile

honestly i am finding you really disrespectful dr spouse i have explained OVER AND OVER this is not an option for my children why cant you respect that yoiu think your helping but you really arnt if thats all you have to offer then please stop wasting your time. that is not an option here. please just stop

How hard is it to understand , the surgery is in a week and ahalf. it takes more than a week and ahalf to do assesment. find suitable couple do settling in by the time thats all gone i would be already to look after them myself!!

And I am not placing them in an emergency care if thats whats next.

so instead of going on and on about an option thats not suitable for me. hide this thread so you dont waste your time further. or do what aussie did and actually comer up with someone that suits me as an individual.

Im not answering anything else regarding fostering because frankly the questions are even offensive " how would this work with school " jesus. because i dont like the idea of a foster family i must have an issue with school and nursery and everything else. i havent got time for this. can you just leave the thread now. because you havent even read anything i have said. and your just not helping. if you have nother else to offer but foster and ask me how i will cope with my kids going to school perhaps create your own thread. because your not even saying anything that has anything to do with me or my situation.

Its like are you even thinking of my toddlers? a week to settling them in to living with complete strangers. you think thats going to be good for them mentaly and emotionaly? and there going to be with them 2 weeks. .. the process it self will take more than 2 weeks. its such a shame how people just think there helping by spouting things that wont even make sence for your situation. never mind your children.

Dr spouse why dont you create your own thread about the fostering process for people who might be intrested? that would be great, so should i have any questions about a pointless option that has been mentioned over and over and explained over and over. then il go over and read. but for this thread. id like to forget about the fostering option if you can just manage that as ive said NO it will not work for my situation.

I would like to focus on practical ideas like what aussie has suggested. if you have anything like that, thats practical and actually for my situation, please feel free to mention.but i cannot be arguing about why fostering isnt for my family for the next week and ahalf. and i dont want to stop reading the post because people refuse to stop. im wanting to read the responces from people who have genuinly helped. and are listenting to what i am saying.

I would uinderstand if there were no alternitives. but there is. and why dr spouse youd rather i out my kids straight in care without conseidering the alternitive options mentioned is intresting to me..

Op

I've told you they can help with other costs of care! Arghhhh

Yes they can do it in a very short space of time!

Call them to find out!!!!

But quiiete why didnt they suggest that when i rang them? I will ring one more time.. but i told them exactly how ive told it here and they said there isnt anything they can do so i dont know if it depends on the area.. you dont need to be all "argh" :( thanks for your advice okay.

im feeling really defeated here.. like everyones so fustrated and angry at me.. when really before i even bothered posting it on here i did look into some things.. but i am willing to look further.. i rememebr seeing that post quiet but it got hiden under all the fostercare posts. but that was good advice i will try them again.

Thanks everyone who has contributed to this post. looks like the foster posts over and over wont stop. so Il leave this post here. Aussie if you do come back i am reading still! xxxx thanks so much really this is exactly what i needed.

and another lady who sounded so poetic in the things she suggest i do , i cant remmeber her name now. but she made me giggle to thank you so much
and thank you for everyone elses support xx

its a shame with my ex i feel he just doesnt listen and just talks as if he hasnt heard me.. and thats how i feel right now.. if something isnt the right option for someone is that not enough without them being forced to keep explaining.. anyway i wish you all the best.

Does any friend or relative have a teenager just finishing exams who could come and stay and help out? Just a thought

Watch your back doesn't get worse. Sounds bloody painful

I'm just so clumsy lol more clumsy when I'm on edge etc. Thanks. I don't have any friends at the momment just before splitting up i became really distant there isn't any i trust as such plus im young haha so people who were my friends were barely out of teenage hood themselves haha so no they wouldn't have teenagers :p good suggestion. Ive been joining some group to try and meet more local friends. Because atleast our kids could play which would occupy them. My house is spacious so little toddlers would enjoy playing here. I've made one friend so far from mums online groups. I invited her to my house last week with her toddler that was nice. She said my house was insanely orgonized and it made her go home and get all her stuff orgonized which was funny. But I thought if the kids have company that may help me manage with them better

Oh sorry no relatives apart from one. But not in a fit state to help. And have an apointment wirh Dr's on Monday will mention my back xx

My 3-year-old DS would have been scarred for years if he had to go to fostering, so I know where you are coming from.

What did gingerbread say OP? It sounds like you're doing all you can in a frankly crap situation.

Prima thanks so much for saying that!!! Exactly would be the same here xx momzill i haven't spoke to them in ages will ring there helpline if there open tommorow xx I

I am very confused today.. as you know i have decided not to get back with him in that case there is no point doing marriage counselling . I havent told him that yet though.. but im confused becauuse the other day when he said he has a sleep disorder all of a sudden thanks to me as he doesnt sleep all night because he is worried he will be late to take the kids to nursery or late to pick them up and that i will be angry and he thinks il bann him from seeing the kids. i cried so much and apologise for reacting upset when he didnt turn up at al and i called him unreliable..

since then i thought hed be ontime.. and i did say i wouldnt say anything if he was late

anyway he worked nights last night so he told me he would be at the house 3pm to spend time with the kids. he promised me .. then i told kids dad will be here to see you soon there always looking out the window around the time he usually commes..

he never came...

i texted him. he ignored/didnt here :(

he leaves for work 7pm.

Eventually after waiting as long as i could i rang at 6:15pm..

i said .. hi? he said " you aright i said.. what do you think? he said i dont know you might be tired.. i said no im not.. then he just goes " WHAT DO YOU WANT??! .. so i just said .. erm can you bring there pajamas and my sons meds to my mums house as we came here he goes " yeah i was going to come in a minute anyway"...

COME IN A MINUTE WHEN HE WAS MENT TO BE HERE AT 3? he didnt apologise nothing..

so he turned up a 6:45pm brushed kids teeth put them in jammers did sons meds and left. my son was screaming for an hour saying " weres my daddy i want my daddy"

no text to apologise or anything for not turning up i dont understand this?? even if he didnt realise when he woke up that he should be somwere surelly he would have realised by now :(

my heads a mess and i dont understand.

I havent text him anything about being late etc. i dont know what to say i just dont understand why he didnt come.

Because his kids are not his priority, it really is that simple I'm afraid

Don't tell the kids he's coming, so no hopes are raised. Prepare yourself for a lifetime of this once you split too. He's feckless

What if he does this when you are post-op and the DCs need looking after?

Happyandsimple do you think there's a chance that actually he was never driven to despair about worrying about what you'd do if he was late, and actually it was just a lie to get you off his back in the future by making you feel bad?

Have you tried your local home start group to see if they offer specialist "illness" support? Do you have any spare cash to get a student in for a couple of hours each day (or even see if any childcare students could come in for experience for nothing)?

If you think practically of how each day will be - when do you pick them up now, e.g. getting them out of the bath - could you shower them for a couple of weeks? Can they climb into bed by themselves or could you get a step?

Can we help you think through what might be difficult and see if we can fix things before you have to give in and let him back into your house? He's already messing with your mind and you will need all of your energies to concentrate on getting better.

He did this because he is abusive. And not a very nice person. You know he isn't very nice.

He can only keep up his act for so long.

He will always be abusive. Some abusive men see their children as a tool or weapon to control or hurt their wife with.

So there he was being all nice and now he has you all confused again because he turned nasty.

It's a game to him. All he wants is to be back in control of you.

He doesn't even support you financially or rather the children. Are his wages really swallowed up by his room rent?

No quietly his rent is 200 a month. He urns 1500 a month.. I don't knowhe says it's going on all sorts he told me yesterday I had 900 point this morning now I'm left with a fiver to get t thr end of month. He says that all thr time some how he manages. Lol I know what your saying
He's a looser. His step dad keeps telling me that no matter what he will keep trying with my husband. He's always been like this. Uses people Nd chucks them away and doesn't apreiciate the help he gets.

Knotnowdear. - Great suggestions I'd say it's worth a few quid I'm almost into my over draft ( never had one Berore but got one incase something comes out which it will while I'm in surgery recovering etc.

So should i contact the home start people regarding the students? I am on thr waiting list for a volunteer hsve been for. A year. I should contact them to remind them I'm still waiting lol

I pick em up 24/7 lol one wirh one arm one with the other as they like to be cuddled at the same time standing up lol.

But Generally in and out the car in and out bath as you suggested. I won't be able to bath shower them for 2 weeks as it won't be safe high on meds and in alot of pain xx but after that I will shower them good idea though they hate it lol and yep they climb into bed themselves and wonder into my room whenever lol. You are wonderful i really apreiciate it. Il have a think. Meals il try and cook in bulk. Hmm il let him take them out for activities. But as soon as I'm able to drive (6+weeks and when I can do an emergency stop) i can go to stay and plays. And people are helpful there

And it's really helpful to ask what my concerns are as I'm not so sure. Of how I will be feeling after. I do know with the level of meds in my system i won't be doing overnight to start with the kids.

I told him not to come to se the kids today as we hadn't arranged anythinf but it was getting late. He didn't text baxk sayinf ok or anything. Just didn't come which is fair enough. See what tommorow brings.