Left an abusive relationship..I think I'm about to go back

[Happyandsimple]

I cannot believe I'm writing this here. I am sad to right this here. Because you all supported me when I thought there was no way out. You helped me through all my objections as to why I can't leave. I'm embarrassed to even be considering being miserable. I can't read my old post as it makes me shake thinking about the place I was in..But I split with him in Feb thanks to u all. And i never once regretted it..til now.kidney removable in 2 weeks and I been told no lifting kids for 6 weeks. How can u not.lift 2n 3 yr old..I lift them all time. I have no help. He's started creeping up on me Again. Showing how helpful he is.. And now I am worried about how I will cope after surgery when I won't even be able to stand straight. Be on strong meds for 2 weeks. He said he's ok to havs the kids a few days..my only optiom is to ask him to.move in for 2 weeks I'm devastated to move back to the start. But I see no option. And i feel trapped again. Maybe it's not so bad. Two weeks then tell him to leave. I don't know I can't see a way I can cope. I haven't contacted adult.services to see if there's any help available after surgery I have to ring after surgery.. It's sad to think I'm even considering it after all this but it's okay temporarily isn't it? Kids arnt effected he hasn't said anything That bad in awhile

You asked me a few posts back if I thought if you contacted the children's team would they help. Maybe I misread it.

Yes they will help. Because they have got a legal duty.

I think you are taking your anger out on the wrong people.

Why can't you organise him and perhaps someone from nursery to pick the kids up, full time nursery for a few weeks? Maybe ex could bathe them at night when they are dropped off, or you could manage without lifting them? Meals can be prepared in advance or basic? It's only a few weeks, you can do the bare minimum and be ok....without ex sleeping in your bed.

Longer term, why can't he have them at his place? He's a parent, he is capable of finding a suitable home....he hasn't because he likes you to feel sorry for him (and you do, you believe his ridiculous story about staying up all night so he wasn't late...that's just unbelievable that he couldn't set an alarm).

You are only recently out. It takes 6-12 months to feel ok again and regain confidence. The longer you are out, the better your decision making will be. You will see how much he manipulates you, it's more than you think.

And I'm angry bexause the way alot of you have responded to me. Is as bad as u would respond to the abuser themselves. Like it's all my fault. It's all me all pressure on Me :( the problem is abusers wouldn't give s crap if u said all this to them. But I do.

Assie full time nurseey for a week almost 900 pound for two kids. My wages now I'm off sick. 400 quid. I still have all bill I'm paying with my over draft. If i could afford full nursery i would that would be perfect

Quite. I've been spoken to like I am the worst people in the world so yes I'm angry. I've tried not to say anything and its getting worse and worse.

Assie great suggestions I'm reading as responding. I am starting to prepare meals in advance I'm just so exausted. But il do like a stew and stuff. Really you have made my day. Thank u so so much

He says he can't have him at his place because it's not suitable for kids he says. He says he doesn't feel comfortable them staying. But it's only one room ( he house shares) so not ideal for two toddlers who are used to all the space. I've told him to look at the flats near by but he says he can't afford it bexause he's paying for ONE DAYS WORTH OF KIDS NURSERY he doesn't pay Any maintenance because he said he has no money.

Well all you can do is your best

Prepare yourself for your op. Seems you have little choice but to let him do this. Once you are recovered and well again it might be difficult to make him see he's no longer required. That's when you will need more support.... This is how I see it anyway, from what you have said, so don't write mumsnet off so readily

Aussie your right i feel very sorry for him
he used to recieve lumpsumps of cash of me the momment he made a grumble about money even tho he was making more than.me. And he said a few weeks ago just because I asked him.to pay one days nursery that " it's lucky the children are here or i dont know whst i would have done " i stayed strong and didn't give him any money. I feel sorry he's in that one bedroom. I asked him why he didn't set alarm he said he doesn't here it and that he feels i would ban him from seing the kids if he gets here late again. I was so sad because he knows I don't have my dad in my life and the last thing I ever want was him to think I'd do such a thing when ivebalways told him he can see them anytime... It was after that chat i suddenly felt maybe we could work. Bexause he never opens up to him about what he's feeling. Ir was a shock for me.. Now I'm thinking I've been played again now you explain it

Aussie I'm so greatful for you I really am. Dammit he's played me again. :( and i honestly know when I'm being played but I didn't this time. See one post and you have helped so much.

Aussie and him sayinf i thought you would ban me from seeing the kids. Hurt me so much because I let him see the kids all day everyday now timr restrictions. The one time I said you don't need to come this afternoon seen as you've been here since 6am and its now 10am and I'd like them just to be with me today " SO IM NOT ALLOWED TO SEE MY KIDS NOW?! "

Thank you anyone for tennis :) I can already here hear the i told you sos. Today's just such a bad day for me.. Bad luck all the way one thing after another. And failing down the stairs when I Already got crap.going on made it worse because I was already feeling crap. Now I can barely move as I'm in so much pain :( and my legs and back and bum is burning. So i think because I feel usually physically crap i cant handle Anythinf else. I asked my ex to take me to the hospital this morning And he says " only if your nice." so I said forget it I'm just going to stay in bed.

You misunderstood me. When I read the thread it appeared that you weren't prepared to even consider foster care because of some preconceived idea you have of it. You seemed to be doing the equivalent of putting your hands over your ears and saying "la la la I can't hear you" to anyone saying don't let your ex come back.

Of course I wasn't wishing for it to all go bad, it's just it seems inevitable and when I said we'll be here when it does wasn't to say "I told you so" but to offer support.

I'm sorry if my post made you feel bad, but it's incredibly frustrating to read a thread where the overwhelming advice is to do one thing and the original poster won't listen.

I do feel that your anger is directed at the wrong people, but so be it. I do hope your op goes well and you make a speedy recovery. And that your ex keeps his distance once you're recovered. Good luck.

I didn't misunderstand anything.just bexause loads of.people suggest the same thing and just bexause it's not.suitable for me. Doesn't mean I'm not.listening to anything else. It's a week and ahalf before surgery. So they wouldn't even have time to.make sure they have matched people who are compatible with my children. Either way I'm.not talking about that anymore. I have taken plenty of advice. Bur the advice I took was not good enough for yiu so there for it means I have no.hands over my ears and not.listening. Why don't u start your own thread about how people like me frustrate you.

I cannot see how you thought your message was in anyway helpful.and you knew it wasn't bur that didn't matter. If you feel like I'm not listening to any thing why don't u do us both a favour and not waste your time.instead of talking to me like am a moron.

It's nothing about pre conceived ideas. I didn't say anything about that. I said it's not suitable for my children. Being with a stranger for 2 weeks they would not do well. I don't need to explain my reason to anyone. But I did several times.what's suitable for one isn't always suitable for the next.

You did misunderstand me when your said I wished it would all go bad, but again you'd rather get defensive and ignore that bit. As I said I wish you a speedy recovery but I think I'm going to hide this thread now as I'm obviously not getting my point across well and the last thing I want to do is cause further upset.

Thanks gaster good idea... And erm. Thanks for wishing me a speedy recovery..n

And i know gaster youe comments wasn't ment to be hurtful but it was. Ans I've been like that were youe frustrated and youe shouting at the screen like " is this person for real!! " but I try not to comment if i dont feel I can offer anything else.. But again. I apreiciate you wishing me well.

In all honesty I know one day I will be able to completly break away. But at the momment. With my health and the kids beinf so young. It's not exactly possible for me. And it's not just him. Whenever I need something he's the first person I think to call because he's always right there. Like when our dog went missing (he returned it back to dogs trust a week after) but anyway when I dog went missing the day I told him to not come round without me beinf there. Unless it's to see the dog. When I'm st work. As he would be at the house and I'd be anxious to come home abs he'd claim it's because he was doing my washing i can do my own washing. Anyway that same momment day. The dog went missing i rang him and it was like he was practical already outside. Turns out the dog was in the bathroom and apparently closed the door in on her self. Tiny dog..yeah and apparently must have been the kids who closed her in before taking them to nursery. Even tho they were with me and the dog was in the living room as he was supposed to be coming for her an hour after. He apparently came and dog wasn't there and he didn't think to alert me?.. Anyway point is. Everytime there's an incident he's always round the corner. I need to stop ringing him. I really am not getting back with him after aussie made me realise he's still at his old games the one time I thought he was sincere. It's very sad actually. It's like he's letting me down over and over again.

He actually makes me paranoid. Bexause he lies so much. I wonder if he's doing things that he actually isn't doinf. I have a funny feeling. Like I accused him of taking the dog somwere. I deliberately was on the phone to a lady who was splitting from her husband. My husband was ment to be going to work but instead he stood outside the bathroom door. I remember saying on the way up stairs what's that noise!!? He says oh just thr kids.. Kids don't make funny noises like that. So i say to my friend " he's taking the dog i know he has. Then the bathroom dog opens see there's the dog so I look like a bad person excusing him when the dog was in the bathroom. So it made me doubt it. I apologised for causing him but it didn't add up. But information I doubt myself when I think he's done something

How's the injuries now? Are you feeling any better?

MY backs killing me. but when it happened i was alright i jumped up so fast so i didnt worry the kids and i took to cocodomols. then when that wore of the pain was just so so bad. it hurts at my lower back theis burn and very sharp. i landed on my back and i think the back of my shoulder must have been preasure on it as that hurts too. but it wasnt even all the stairs i went down literaly just a few but really fast. when i lie on my back my left toes and foot tingles and i still have this burn rushing thing going up and down my legs. but i havent take any pain killers today as i want to be careful what i put in my body so close to surgery. i dont want anything getting in the way of that. but i will take parecemol about 4ish if im still in so much pain xx thanks so much for asking anyonefortennis

I a, glad that you realise he's at his old games, trying to make you feel like you're going mad.

I am confused about you saying you put the children in nursery with carers that you know. Did you know them before you chose the nursery? If so, how will this work with school?

If not, and you mean they have got to know them - you do realise this could happen with foster carers? When you started them at nursery, you had settling sessions. You could do exactly the same with foster carers.

I suggest you ask on the foster care board about how the carers there work with parents who've gone into hospital. They'll be able to tell you how it works.

Okay Dr spouse. I will try to explain.

1. No I did not know them prefer they did many many settling sessions weeks .

1. Yes I am aware of how fostering works. But i have explained the surgery is in a week and ahalf,. and they are only needed to be away for 2 weeks. how many settling in sessions can you fit in a week and a ahalf? They have to come round do all assesments find the people they want to place them with etc. come on. My children are not going to be settled in in a week and ahalf of visits . even if we start now. So please for god sake can you leave this foster now?? i dont understand why you cant just respect it is not the right option for me. god sake