Left an abusive relationship..I think I'm about to go back

[Happyandsimple]

I cannot believe I'm writing this here. I am sad to right this here. Because you all supported me when I thought there was no way out. You helped me through all my objections as to why I can't leave. I'm embarrassed to even be considering being miserable. I can't read my old post as it makes me shake thinking about the place I was in..But I split with him in Feb thanks to u all. And i never once regretted it..til now.kidney removable in 2 weeks and I been told no lifting kids for 6 weeks. How can u not.lift 2n 3 yr old..I lift them all time. I have no help. He's started creeping up on me Again. Showing how helpful he is.. And now I am worried about how I will cope after surgery when I won't even be able to stand straight. Be on strong meds for 2 weeks. He said he's ok to havs the kids a few days..my only optiom is to ask him to.move in for 2 weeks I'm devastated to move back to the start. But I see no option. And i feel trapped again. Maybe it's not so bad. Two weeks then tell him to leave. I don't know I can't see a way I can cope. I haven't contacted adult.services to see if there's any help available after surgery I have to ring after surgery.. It's sad to think I'm even considering it after all this but it's okay temporarily isn't it? Kids arnt effected he hasn't said anything That bad in awhile

Thrverypreggo you made me giggle. The way you write you need to be writing a book. I love how u worded everything ! It doesn't seem so hard when u word it like that

Ovum head. Women's aid are no help to me. I don't know we're to start or how to explain. If you check my other posts when u get a minute. It explains rhinfs in the momment. Now as it's not happening i may explain it Abit trivial. Blocking me in nor allowing me to leave when I'm late for work. Calling me stupid mental a retard. Not allowing me to talk before I finish a centres his put his hand up saying yes no one cares etc. Sounds trivial but it was constant. My self esteem really went down.

I love Preggo's post.

OP can you see some hope in that? Visualise yourself managing post-op?

You can't rely on an abuser. You can't allow him to finagle his way back into your life when you are at your most vulnerable. He is not a white knight: he is a manipulator.

You have been strong enough since February. You can be strong enough while you heal from surgery. Because the alternative is unthinkable. And because you just ARE strong enough, you can do this.

He hasn't changed. Do not let him back.

What to do is, once you go into hospital contact social services (children and families team) and explain the situation.

Advise that at that moment the children are with your ex but once you return you cannot have him there as he emotionally abused you for years.

There is a duty on the authority to help families in need. Your children will have needs because you will be unable to meet them at least for a week or so.

It's not unheard of for children to go and stay with a foster carer for a week or two while a sick parent recovers from health issues.

And btw he should not be turning up at six in the morning demanding access.

He is slowly trying to wheel his way back into your life.

He is not respecting your boundaries.

If he turns up again when you have plans to go to toddlers tell him he is being unreasonable and denying the girls a chance to see their friends. Don't back down.

Oh no way my children are not going to a foster carer for any Time ever ever :( oh dear if that would be the only option I'd rather have my ex back.

You can't have him back! He's an abusive idiot and your dc will pick up on it all and end up copying him and being abusive themselves!

To update. I told him yesterday. About him turninf up at 6am he said it's bexause a few days ago he was really late as in didn't turn up after I already told them he was coming. He said because of me telling him he's unreliable beinf late it's not fair etc. He said because or that he hasn't been sleeping in fear of being late because he thinks I'm going to tell him off. So he says he stayed awake all night thrn came to the house early to make sure he's not late to take them to nursery. I cried and said I'm so sorry for making him feel he can't sleep incase he will be late i felt awful..so i said I'm sorry and that I won't say anything about him being late next time. That I didn't know it bothered him bexause he just said whatever and was still late the next timr anyway... So after I cried he asked me if I wanted a cuddle and i said yes.we haven't cuddled since febuary. I hsve missed it to be honest. He said he loves me. And i told him I missed him.. So i did say I will try the couples counseling with him..He said i need anger management i said. What for?! Yes I shouted bexause we left were we were to be at the house for you to have the kids and you never came! then i said he needs some counselling to address his passed that might help with how he is. Which he agreed to... I told him he's not moving back in bexause i cant live with him..But I'm willing to not have the door completly closed. Atleast with things bring better between us my stress levels will be Abit lower after the surgery.

Oh sweetheart. I think you are being led by your loneliness and fear. It's not a crime - those are very human feelings - but it will do you no good in the long run.

Cuddles always feel nice. But when they come from a manipulative abuser who tells you that you are the problem, those cuddles end up being poisonous.

You are good enough and strong enough without him.

I've spoken to someone who was in a similar situation and they told me to look at all his doing apart from the first month he has been good to us... Taking the kids to nursery. Helping with the house. When I'm not feeling well he cooks the kids tea and even mine. This is beyond what he has to do since we have been split up. So he isn't an all round bad guy. If i need him he's there. I'm not saying I'm getting back with him because I'm not i enjoy my freedom and my space. And my brain is enjoying this healing time. I fell down the stairs this morning lpl because I'm clumsy as hell and really hurt my back. And he really was caring... It's been hard on my own but I've proved i can do it. And i bet he's shocked so I'm not going to change and take him back no way. Il always live on my own. But I gues I'm not saying no to a relationship maybe. But that's the least of my worries.

I don't want to offend anyone. But I cannot understand why someone would rather. Put there kids through social servixes and put them with a complete stranger foster family
Instead of them staying in your house while you can still see them and know exactly what there doing. Ans the only negative is having the ex there. Obvcourse if there is another alternative which they may be after surgery when adult services get my referral from hospital. Or if any of yiu ladies suggest anything I'm open to.. But I can't even think of foster care as an option.

Wouldn't you rather they were with a loving family who have been vetted and where you can see them every day but you don't have to do the lifting? Or with an abusive man who is trying to manipulate you and is showing them that it's OK to manipulate you, and women in general?

If it was a family member who was offering to have them, would you take that over the abuser? If so, do try and see the concept of foster care as like a helpful granny type figure.

Sounds like he's in the nice cycle of abuse and when you are at your most vulnerable he'll switch to being nasty again and you will be stuck

I agree foster care is your best option. You are doing your dc a dos service keeping him in your life. They learn from the adults around them. As a role model they have you ( letting him treat you like dirt)and your ex.... Or foster carers who have been vetted

*dis

Ok. Well thank everyone. I'f foster is my only option then forget it.I couldn't care less If they've been vetted. I don't know them. And i am not puting my kids with people I don't know. It is not like a family member bexause i know family members. Not complete strangers. So if thats all there is then frankly I am happy with being a stupid person who's apparently setting my children up for a life of abuse. Just allowing my ex to live there for 2 weeks. Bexause i dont believe I am
He doesn't say anything bad about them and he won't this 2 weeks he is at the house. Why? Because he is in his element looking after me. Sounds messed up. Ohwell it is. But all I know is my kids are not at risk of hearing anything. And neither will hw be nasty while I'm recovering. Bexause he likes looking after me. Infact that's when he is his nicest. I am not puting my children in foster care when I can be With them. Have you thought what putting them in foster care would do for my recovery?! Beinf lonely away from my children. Feeling like a complete failure (no u are nor a failure if ur kids are in care but that's how I'd feel about myself) I'd bloody never end up recovering bexause beinf away from my babies would break my heart. Beinf away from them in the hospital is bad enough
My babies would not cope with a foster carer. They would not deal well with a complete stranger. They love everyone at nursery but leaving with a complete stranger for any amount of time will change my babies. They have never been away from me
and they would not understand. I would not and will not do it
Never in a million years. I' know what me and my babies can cope with. And i hoped there would be a more realistic option that I had not through of. But I was wrong. Thank you for your imput. I do apreiciate it. If any one has any other ideas other than foster then let me know. Otherwise let's forget about thay bexause nothing would convince me. I will still be Contacting adult services whole I'm in hospitals to see if they can put some help in place. I'm not giving up. So I'd he ends up being there a week. And then i get help or perhaps help towards child care. So i can put them in nursery more whole i recover il do that in a flash. Thanks

And yeah id rather they were wirh a man who emotionaly abuses me. Because il be the the whole time to see everything. Not them in another house.IT MIGHT BE A DIFFERENT SITUATION IF THEY WERE OLDER AND ABKE TO SAY THINgs say If something bad happened. But not now

If it were only 2 weeks that would be one thing, but it won't be, it's simply a prelude to getting back together. Once he's got control of you when you're poorly, he won't let go, and your children will again be exposed to an emotionally abusive relationship.

If I had to choose between foster care for a couple of weeks or an abusive ex I'd choose the former every time. It would feel like a holiday for the children, who won't know exactly what's going on.

I certainly wouldn't prioritise my own fear of loneliness and feelings of being a failure over the wellbeing of my children.

You're absolutely no failure, but you have chosen an abusive partner, and it's better to admit that and move on than to try to play happy families to your children's detriment.

You wouldn't be away from your children if they were in foster care because you were recovering. You'd see them probably every day (unless you were too ill).

You're going to be leaving them with strangers at nursery if they go (assuming they'll have their 15 hours) and at school all day, every day. Are you happy with that?

So it's gone from "I'm returning to my abusive ex" to "he's looking after the kids for two weeks" and he's gone from an abusive bastard to Mary Poppins.

Op

The social services could also pay for a home help/nanny type person for a few weeks!

Some people literally have no choice in accepting this help.

You have had great advice from here. This was the man who wouldn't let you take your children anywhere and believed you should all be at home waiting for him.

He is cruel, calling you terrible names etc

He can't change who he is but he can try and be nice. At the moment he is being nice but that is just to get you back into a false sense of security.

Oh well your life your decision.

Have you contacted gingerbread? It's a charity for single parents?

mobile.gingerbread.org.uk/default.aspx#bmb=1

You are right to be concerned that relying on him gives him a chance to get his foot back in the door. It sounds horrific and I'm so sorry you have no local support.

Ok OP ignore everyone on here. You take him back, he'll change & everything will be hunky dory-is that what you wanted to hear? Because you've made your mind up and aren't listening to anyone else. He won't be in your house for just 2 weeks, you know that, and the abuse will gradually creep in. We'll still be here when it does, good luck. Sorry if I'm being harsh but you've had good advice on here & you're ignoring it.

It will escalate.... Once his services are no longer required

Why dismiss foster care? Your post was all about YOU and how you would feel and How YOU would cope. Be careful, you could end up with foster care being the only option if someone takes this out of your hands

Vibacia if your just going to.be mean go away because I really dont need this. I'm already in a messed up away having major surgery in a week and ahalf so.just don't. Yes I started of saying I'm getting back with him but I didn't say permenrtatly. So don't start with me.. Just go away please because I get enough crap else were. He is not Mary poppis at all I am not saying he is. But at tye same time if it makes u feel better to.just say all the bad things he does i won't. Bexause i cant do that. He has done some bad things but I'm explaining some.good things he has done to.maybe show why I feel getting back with him temporally isn't so bad. But I dont know what I'm going to do
Im.in a hard place and il probably change my mind a few times. So.please just don't bother