Please don't hate me, but I've added him on social media

[WellWeHaveIt]

My ex was emotionally abusive. He always acted like the perfect one whilst setting me up for a fall. So I left him.

So just now, I added him back on social media. He has in the past added me but I deleted him. But we have quite a few mutual friends.
He's left OW again because he's moving on. They still seem to be friends but this I suppose is a test, as he has added me before yet I always declined.

Now I want to take back the power, I suppose. Maybe it's wrong but I don't care. He lied to the two of us and he used to add me always on various social media but I always deleted. Now I have added him and will await his response. He will accept but I know, that he will always be a liar and a cheat.
I think I just wanted to rant so please forgive me.

I want him to see just how much I don't care by doing this because otherwise he'd think I still care.

If you split up 5 years ago then you can't possiby be 15...

I'm sure you know that you can't make people care - and it's highly unlikely that this person DOES care due to his traits.

You have the power and control over your own thoughts and actions though - so practice not caring about what this person thinks and redirect your energies.

Block him!

Obsessive thoughts about someone have nothing to do with reality. Nor is social media real life.

You have an entire relationship with him running in your head. It will be completely different to the way he sees the relationship between the two of you. You are making a HUGE deal about a completely minor form of virtual interaction.

You really need to find a way to end your obsession with a relationship that ended 5 years ago. Would you consider therapy?

This is very sad to read. 5 years in which you should have started a new life but you are still hung up on someone who doesn't care about you at all.

I don't think this is the right forum for OP.
I sense some personality difficulties that need input from healthcare professionals rather than here.
I would advise posters to be cautious about any further recommendations.

No complete stranger in their right mind would bother to 'hate' you, but it won't be long before you end up hating yourself.

Btw, you haven't taken back the power - all you've done is given yours away,

Have you tried counselling to overcome your unhealthy fixation on this particular twunt ex?

What blessed said.

Please block him and consider getting some counselling or seek support from good friends at the very least.

I agree that this forum cannot assist the OP. Please get some professional help. You actually don't sound psychologically well.

You dont care so much that you have added him on social media and started a thread about it.

All this just shows you do care.

The only way to show you dont care, is to move on. To put it into context, how many other people that you dont care about have you added on social media and posted about?

AnyFucker I don't sound psychologically well!? Wow! The irony!..
& also InLaws4Xmas
I sense some personality difficulties that need input from healthcare professionals rather than here
WTF!?
I'm out.
Thanks SoozeyHoozey Adice without abuse, thank you. Why is this board full of trolls!?

What you are doing is not psychologically healthy. Setting up posters on here to give you the Solid Dick and then flouncing off. It's damaging you, not your respondents, and certainly not the abusive man you are fixated on.

Theyre not trolling you hun. No good at all can come from your actions this evening. You will make yourself unwell. He dosnt care and might yae your weakness to find a way to abuse you again, which tbh doesnt sound like it would be too difficult.

What you NEED to do is (1) block the friend request. (2) ask youe doctor for a counselling referral. It could be pstd since you are still so heavily invested 5 years on.

The reason you dont sound well psychologically is that your vision of not caring is the complete oppostie of what someone who doesnt care would think. You should not be socialising - virtually or otherwise - with someone who abused you. It is not taking the power back - it is opening a big door by which to step through to abuse you again. If you cannot see this, you really do need some help from a professional in that area.

Note - not one person said it was a good idea and i think everyone would recommend you deleting that request or blocking him. Thats not trolling - that is having more concern for you than you seem to have for yoirself.

Op, holding your hand as i quote gloria steinhem ", if something pisses you off, look at that".

So try not to be offended by the advice to seek therapy.

Not being psyxhologically healthy doesnt mean u r crazy! It could mean.... that external comments / actions hurt you too much.

Ps, I was very vulnerable about 5 years ago, vulnerable to others' opinions of me, others' comments. They weren't thinking anything particularly bad, the problem was that my sense of self-worth was entirely caught up in others' opinions of me. ONE of the things I took from therapy was the ability to accept that others are always going to have an opinion and that you can get the power, and a stronger sense of your own self so that others' opinions won't bother you.

You don't seem to have moved along (mentally) as much as could be expected in five years. Life is short, speed up the process by taking a bit of psychotherapy. It's invaluable! I am so glad I did it. Everybody who has endured an abusive relationship deserves to have psychotherapy. It's not a punishment.

You do know that the opposite of love is not hate, don't you. It's indifference.

You seem to be very invested in this man still.

Cancel the request.

Move on, move on, move on.

As Call wrote:

"Theyre not trolling you hun. No good at all can come from your actions this evening."

Also the reason you started this thread isn't very healthy either. Either you wanted reassurance for something you know is a terribly bad idea, or you decided to invite a bit of negative attention on yourself, to confirm the way you are already thinking about yourself- badly.

You sound like you haven't healed in the 5 years you've been away from him. Which is why people are saying perhaps it's time to get some help. Not that you are crazy or mad or anything like that... Just that you're stuck and you need help to unstick yourself.

I took the power back the day I blocked xh on all social media. Even after I'd unfriendly him I would sometimes post things and think, "if a mutual friend posts on this, he will see it and see how happy I am without him".

One day it clicked, I am happy without him. I don't need his validation anymore. I don't need his opinion about me at all. He could hate me/love me/think I'm a pillock, none of it matters because he doesn't matter to me anymore.

So I made sure he couldn't see anything. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. In some ways I think I was still trying to get him to see that it wasn't me who was faulty!

Time to move on :)

Defriended rather than unfriendly

Absolutely! It's not about appearing happy or appearing unhappy.

It's about being happy.

I had a similar eureka and the OP is not there yet. I hope she gets there.

I hope you're still reading OP

My ex was emotionally abusive

When you realise this ^ You need to know that Ideally, NO MORE CONTACT is needed/healthy for you.

this man only cared enough about how he could destroy you.

I know you have taken great offense at the suggestion that therapy could help you, but seriously, it would transform your life.

5 years wasted on not letting him go is a tragedy. Please cancel the request you sent him and if he accepts it, delete and block. you made a mistake

My ex was abusive, been gone 4 years, I did therapy (private), I did the freedom programme, and I attended a domestic violence charity group - all at the same time - exhausting but comprehensive. Oh AND I posted on here for support. There were a group of us that went on to create the Emotional Abuse thread that is still running.

No, my life is not a picnic, and i have had to exorcise a fair few demons along the way, and the Ex has had more than a few fleas in his ear by phone, and there were periods of me just hanging up in his face until he learned to speak to the mother of his child with some respect, and he learned that i hated him and was told why. I lost the fear of him. That said, he's abroad and i've not had to face him for 4 years. I can have a conversation with him now, and i just don't care anymore about him. If he came back, it might make me a little concerned, but I would dig through it and call in some mega friend/counsellor favours :)

eX asked me at the weekend if I would consider getting back with him. he's suffered a serious medical thing. i told him no. absolutely no.

I have had better boyfriends than he was a partner to me, I know what I am aiming for and it's proper love, not whatever it is HE thinks that is.

I resented him and OW but he seems to have played right back into my hands

Ok. Continuing to ignore is winning. Is proving you don't care.

Do you see that? Fake it till you make it.