Please don't hate me, but I've added him on social media

[WellWeHaveIt]

My ex was emotionally abusive. He always acted like the perfect one whilst setting me up for a fall. So I left him.

So just now, I added him back on social media. He has in the past added me but I deleted him. But we have quite a few mutual friends.
He's left OW again because he's moving on. They still seem to be friends but this I suppose is a test, as he has added me before yet I always declined.

Now I want to take back the power, I suppose. Maybe it's wrong but I don't care. He lied to the two of us and he used to add me always on various social media but I always deleted. Now I have added him and will await his response. He will accept but I know, that he will always be a liar and a cheat.
I think I just wanted to rant so please forgive me.

[Offred]

So you added him after he split with his gf/the ow?! He's just going to think you've done it because you want him back. And you do. He will may well, if he hasn't got easier options, just decide to put on a show of caring (what you want) so you do take him back and then you are back to square one.

I agree, adding someone means you are thinking of them, not that you have moved on! Obviously!

[NotTallMyself]

I used to resent my x too, his freedom. I wasn't jealous of his new gf, I was jealous of him that he had the freedoms I didn't. But now time has passed and I realise that any relationships I've made (with friends, colleagues, neighbours, acquaintances) they're more real. I have empathy. I listen. I care. My x is not capable of having a real relationship, the sort I would ever envy. He has nothing I want. He has a new slave to leech from.

[NotTallMyself]

Agree with Hissy. You made a mistake but that's ok. It's ok to make a mistake! Just acknowledge it, rectify it, learn from it, and move on, wiser!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

The people telling you that you need help are not trolls on here, they are sensible posters who offer sound advice.

By inviting your abusive ex into your social media world, you are just opening yourself up to further abuse by him. He will rub his hands in glee and think "finally! She still cares, I can still get to her after all these years, hahaha, let's see what I can do. Oh a picture of her new hairstyle? I'll tell her it makes her look fat. Oh a picture of her favourite thing? I'll say it sucks. I will ruin her day whenever I feel like it, and hurt her over and over BECAUSE I CAN."

He doesn't care about you. All he cares about is his power over you, and you have just given it back to him. Any power you think you have in this situation is an illusion, and frankly, delusional. You don't have any, you cannot "win" this "game". You've already lost by inviting him back into your life.

[HoldYerWhist]

I resented him and OW but he seems to have played right back into my hands

Ok. Continuing to ignore is winning. Is proving you don't care.

Do you see that? Fake it till you make it.

[Hissy]

My ex was emotionally abusive

When you realise this ^ You need to know that Ideally, NO MORE CONTACT is needed/healthy for you.

this man only cared enough about how he could destroy you.

I know you have taken great offense at the suggestion that therapy could help you, but seriously, it would transform your life.

5 years wasted on not letting him go is a tragedy. Please cancel the request you sent him and if he accepts it, delete and block. you made a mistake

My ex was abusive, been gone 4 years, I did therapy (private), I did the freedom programme, and I attended a domestic violence charity group - all at the same time - exhausting but comprehensive. Oh AND I posted on here for support. There were a group of us that went on to create the Emotional Abuse thread that is still running.

No, my life is not a picnic, and i have had to exorcise a fair few demons along the way, and the Ex has had more than a few fleas in his ear by phone, and there were periods of me just hanging up in his face until he learned to speak to the mother of his child with some respect, and he learned that i hated him and was told why. I lost the fear of him. That said, he's abroad and i've not had to face him for 4 years. I can have a conversation with him now, and i just don't care anymore about him. If he came back, it might make me a little concerned, but I would dig through it and call in some mega friend/counsellor favours :)

eX asked me at the weekend if I would consider getting back with him. he's suffered a serious medical thing. i told him no. absolutely no.

I have had better boyfriends than he was a partner to me, I know what I am aiming for and it's proper love, not whatever it is HE thinks that is.

[NotTallMyself]

Absolutely! It's not about appearing happy or appearing unhappy.

It's about being happy.

I had a similar eureka and the OP is not there yet. I hope she gets there.

I hope you're still reading OP

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Defriended rather than unfriendly

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

I took the power back the day I blocked xh on all social media. Even after I'd unfriendly him I would sometimes post things and think, "if a mutual friend posts on this, he will see it and see how happy I am without him".

One day it clicked, I am happy without him. I don't need his validation anymore. I don't need his opinion about me at all. He could hate me/love me/think I'm a pillock, none of it matters because he doesn't matter to me anymore.

So I made sure he couldn't see anything. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. In some ways I think I was still trying to get him to see that it wasn't me who was faulty!

Time to move on :)

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

As Call wrote:

"Theyre not trolling you hun. No good at all can come from your actions this evening."

Also the reason you started this thread isn't very healthy either. Either you wanted reassurance for something you know is a terribly bad idea, or you decided to invite a bit of negative attention on yourself, to confirm the way you are already thinking about yourself- badly.

You sound like you haven't healed in the 5 years you've been away from him. Which is why people are saying perhaps it's time to get some help. Not that you are crazy or mad or anything like that... Just that you're stuck and you need help to unstick yourself.

[MrsSheRa]

Cancel the request.

Move on, move on, move on.

[DistanceCall]

You do know that the opposite of love is not hate, don't you. It's indifference.

You seem to be very invested in this man still.

[NotTallMyself]

Ps, I was very vulnerable about 5 years ago, vulnerable to others' opinions of me, others' comments. They weren't thinking anything particularly bad, the problem was that my sense of self-worth was entirely caught up in others' opinions of me. ONE of the things I took from therapy was the ability to accept that others are always going to have an opinion and that you can get the power, and a stronger sense of your own self so that others' opinions won't bother you.

You don't seem to have moved along (mentally) as much as could be expected in five years. Life is short, speed up the process by taking a bit of psychotherapy. It's invaluable! I am so glad I did it. Everybody who has endured an abusive relationship deserves to have psychotherapy. It's not a punishment.

[NotTallMyself]

Op, holding your hand as i quote gloria steinhem ", if something pisses you off, look at that".

So try not to be offended by the advice to seek therapy.

Not being psyxhologically healthy doesnt mean u r crazy! It could mean.... that external comments / actions hurt you too much.

[AlternativeTentacles]

The reason you dont sound well psychologically is that your vision of not caring is the complete oppostie of what someone who doesnt care would think. You should not be socialising - virtually or otherwise - with someone who abused you. It is not taking the power back - it is opening a big door by which to step through to abuse you again. If you cannot see this, you really do need some help from a professional in that area.

Note - not one person said it was a good idea and i think everyone would recommend you deleting that request or blocking him. Thats not trolling - that is having more concern for you than you seem to have for yoirself.

[CalleighDoodle]

Theyre not trolling you hun. No good at all can come from your actions this evening. You will make yourself unwell. He dosnt care and might yae your weakness to find a way to abuse you again, which tbh doesnt sound like it would be too difficult.

What you NEED to do is (1) block the friend request. (2) ask youe doctor for a counselling referral. It could be pstd since you are still so heavily invested 5 years on.

[AnyFucker]

What you are doing is not psychologically healthy. Setting up posters on here to give you the Solid Dick and then flouncing off. It's damaging you, not your respondents, and certainly not the abusive man you are fixated on.

[WellWeHaveIt]

AnyFucker I don't sound psychologically well!? Wow! The irony!..
& also InLaws4Xmas
I sense some personality difficulties that need input from healthcare professionals rather than here
WTF!?
I'm out.
Thanks SoozeyHoozey Adice without abuse, thank you. Why is this board full of trolls!?

[AlternativeTentacles]

You dont care so much that you have added him on social media and started a thread about it.

All this just shows you do care.

The only way to show you dont care, is to move on. To put it into context, how many other people that you dont care about have you added on social media and posted about?

[AnyFucker]

I agree that this forum cannot assist the OP. Please get some professional help. You actually don't sound psychologically well.

[SoozeyHoozey]

Please block him and consider getting some counselling or seek support from good friends at the very least.

[MorrisZapp]

What blessed said.

[goddessofsmallthings]

No complete stranger in their right mind would bother to 'hate' you, but it won't be long before you end up hating yourself.

Btw, you haven't taken back the power - all you've done is given yours away,

Have you tried counselling to overcome your unhealthy fixation on this particular twunt ex?

[BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas]

I don't think this is the right forum for OP.
I sense some personality difficulties that need input from healthcare professionals rather than here.
I would advise posters to be cautious about any further recommendations.

[DocHollywood]

This is very sad to read. 5 years in which you should have started a new life but you are still hung up on someone who doesn't care about you at all.