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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What are your thoughts on this situation?

110 replies

katiemorovsky · 30/05/2015 17:37

I have namechanged as I have spoken to a friend about this and I know she is a mumsnetter.

I have been married 13 years and have 3 children. I have been a sahm for the last 5 years and plan to start looking for work again after my youngest starts school later this year. My husband has been the sole earner during this time.

My husband works very hard and sometimes unpredictable hours, he sometimes travels with work so will be away for a week at a time. I have no family nearby. Therefore, understandably, most of the childcare falls to me including evenings and occasionally weekends. The last time we went out together was a few months ago to see a film when my mum came to stay. I'm including this detail to give some idea of our lifestyle.

My husband was recently invited to a work friend's wedding which will mean a weekend away. I wasn't invited to the wedding. I told him I thought it was strange that I wasn't invited and asked him to wait until we could check the diary before he accepted the invitation.

Several days later whilst looking at his emails he announced that he was going to the wedding and was now best man. This means he will be away for a Friday night with the stag do and over a weekend for the wedding whilst I look after the kids on my own again.

I am so upset and cross that I haven't been consulted, that I haven't been invited and that it's just accepted that I'll look after the children whilst he goes to this wedding. I feel like we're not a couple any more. I have told him how upset I am and he hasn't changed his plans.

Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:

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Babymamamama · 31/05/2015 12:49

I can sympathise op. Years ago with an ex I'd always wanted to go skiing with him. But it never happened . Then I found out he was going with a group of friends and I wasn't invited (by him!). Wasn't a deal breaker but I wasn't best pleased. We split up few years later for other reasons. I honestly don't think he wanted to hook up with another woman while skiing but it was just the fact he didn't want me included or consider my feelings that was a bad sign in hindsight.

donemekmelarf · 31/05/2015 12:53

Katie, Sylvanian has a good point.

bjrce · 31/05/2015 14:08

So now he says he is not going to the wedding.
That definitely doesn't make sense, he the Best same FFS.
He absolutely wants you to back down and there you are feeling guilty. What are you feeling bad about?
The ques. to ask are as a PP pointed out.
When, where, names etc.

For Gods sake, don't let this one go. Get all the info you need, don't accept his answer of not attending, he has no intention of not attending this wedding, why, when the perfectly obvious question of asking the groom for you to attend is not asked,
He will spring this back on you in a few weeks time and all of a sudden, he will be going alone.

He really has done a job on you.

bjrce · 31/05/2015 14:17

You need to sit him down and be very clear with him.

Ask him" Can you not see, its like we have separate lives, it absolutely doesn't make sense that I am not going to this wedding with you, why do you not see that? I am really worried that you think its acceptable to go to a wedding without me and not be upset about it, if, as this person sees you important enough to be his Best Man at the wedding, can't you ask him to include us as a couple? Show me the invitation? If he doesn't have it, how does he know you are not invited? "
I am really sorry for you, it just doesn't look good, tell him this.
If he still isn't clear, ask him outright" Are you bringing OW to this wedding?", because that's how it looks to me, please don't tell me I am stupid, its staring me straight in the face.
If you are not bringing me to this wedding, what else can I think.

expatinscotland · 31/05/2015 14:18

What Sylvanian said. There is no wedding. He wanted to go away for the weekend with someone else.

So rumble him by saying you will all go.

Do you know the names of the bride and groom? If so, send the bride a message on FB. Something light and friendly, congratulations, I know my husband is so honoured to be your best man, but he hasn't given me any venue details and I'd like to book a family room at the hotel so we can support DH as a family whilst taking in some of the sites on our own during the wedding and reception.

He's so full of shit.

expatinscotland · 31/05/2015 14:21

He banked on two weekends. One for the stag do and another for this. I'd get in touch with the bride or groom and act innocent and find out. Cuz I think he is lying.

donemekmelarf · 31/05/2015 14:27

Do you know the names of the bride and groom? If so, send the bride a message on FB. Something light and friendly, congratulations, I know my husband is so honoured to be your best man, but he hasn't given me any venue details and I'd like to book a family room at the hotel so we can support DH as a family whilst taking in some of the sites on our own during the wedding and reception.

Excellent!
This is why it's iimportant to know the names of the people who's wedding it is.

What Sylvanian said. There is no wedding. He wanted to go away for the weekend with someone else.

A possibility. The 'wedding I have to go to' could be an excuse.

FlabulousChix · 31/05/2015 15:00

I'd insist on having the aeamout of money to play with that his is all costing. I'd also book a weekend away alone so he can look after his own kids the weekend and be a proper father

WayneRooneysHair · 01/06/2015 11:17

It seems very dodgy.

However there is no 'normal' wedding, my best man was a friend who also happened to be my work colleague. It was a very small wedding but I invited his wife as she knew us too. However if for whatever reason we didn't invite her and she announced that she was coming anyway we'd have told her to run and jump.

It's entirely possible that there is a wedding but I'd be wary of sticking your nose in as it'd seem controlling.

ApeMan · 01/06/2015 13:03

I can't see someone telling their best man the wife is not invited, unless it's an intentionally tiny wedding. Some people do have those with good reason.

mix56 · 01/06/2015 13:52

I think OH has been insinuating that he is not in a happy marriage & if there is really a wedding (?) that he is free to go & his wife either wouldn't be able to go, or was already occupied. or generally reassure that he was happier without her. and planned to have fun with a female colleague

DoristheCamel · 01/06/2015 14:08

Hmm- Seems a bit of a cop out this.

I think the fact he is simply "just pulling out" more of a red flag than the initial fishy invite to the actual wedding.

theredjellybean · 01/06/2015 15:13

i dont feel that having time away doing individual stuff is a big issue, and I would feel odd telling my DP he couldnt do something...he is an adult and he can make his own decisions.
Its one weekend , maybe two if goes to stag do ...
However personally I would be really suspicious that he is invited to a wedding/is best man and you are not included in invite. Even a small second time around wedding....surely the BM's wife would be invited, if oyu are BM it implies you are close to groom and therefore he and bride might actually want to meet your wife...
For me it isnt about weekends away from family, it would be the possibility that there is more to this than a simple wedding invite.
Now he is going ...how do you feel OP ? Is he going to be grumpy all weekend cus he isnt at the party ??? not sure that will achieve anythign for either of you.
Could you explain to him that you felt not only excluded and takne for granted, but you felt it was odd that you werent invited , however if he then produces invite etc and it all looks kosher then he should go ahead. He has agreed to be BM, it is rude to let groom down now.

theredjellybean · 01/06/2015 15:14

sorry should read 'now he is NOT going '

AnyFucker · 01/06/2015 15:21

somebody is telling porkies

DarkNavyBlue · 01/06/2015 15:39

My bet is that there is a wedding, to which you were not invited (I had just 4 friends to my wedding and no partners invited) but the 'best man' part was made up so you couldn't say no to him going.

donemekmelarf · 01/06/2015 16:04

If the wedding is so small, with very few guests, then there very often isn't a need for a best man.
The best man bit is more than likely made up.

BeCool · 01/06/2015 16:05

It may be a tiny wedding - but would a wedding that small really involve a stag weekend too? seems unlikely.

AnyFucker · 01/06/2015 16:06

I would not be at all surprised if there is no wedding.

it's a convenient enough excuse to get two good overnight stays somewhere

Cocosnapper · 01/06/2015 17:17

He's doing someone else. Or planning to.

DocHollywood · 01/06/2015 17:29

I bet a work-related weekend away comes up shortly

TheHumblePotato · 01/06/2015 18:05

YY DocHollywood And I bet it's short notice too, in which he has to cover for one of his colleagues. Not only does he get to play hero, he also gets to go away.

OP, don't be dragged into any web of lies and deceit. Make an informed decision. What you choose to do thereafter is up to you, but you owe it yourself to find out the truth.

In the meantime, start getting your shit in order; finances, passports, dc's documents, house shit. Expect the worst but hope for the best.

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TheHumblePotato · 01/06/2015 18:19

AnyFucker
somebody is telling porkies

I must disagree. Somebody is actually holding up massive big neon flashing red lights!

Smorgasboard · 01/06/2015 18:34

I doubt very much that you have never been invited to your DH's work social events by his work. More likely it's your DH that has never invited you. Knowing that, why would you continue to trust him so much?

Salene · 01/06/2015 18:41

It shows a red flag to me, I can't see a best man being invited without his partner

So for me it appears he doesn't want you to go with him , the reason for that you would need to decide

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