What are your thoughts on this situation?

[katiemorovsky]

I have namechanged as I have spoken to a friend about this and I know she is a mumsnetter.

I have been married 13 years and have 3 children. I have been a sahm for the last 5 years and plan to start looking for work again after my youngest starts school later this year. My husband has been the sole earner during this time.

My husband works very hard and sometimes unpredictable hours, he sometimes travels with work so will be away for a week at a time. I have no family nearby. Therefore, understandably, most of the childcare falls to me including evenings and occasionally weekends. The last time we went out together was a few months ago to see a film when my mum came to stay. I'm including this detail to give some idea of our lifestyle.

My husband was recently invited to a work friend's wedding which will mean a weekend away. I wasn't invited to the wedding. I told him I thought it was strange that I wasn't invited and asked him to wait until we could check the diary before he accepted the invitation.

Several days later whilst looking at his emails he announced that he was going to the wedding and was now best man. This means he will be away for a Friday night with the stag do and over a weekend for the wedding whilst I look after the kids on my own again.

I am so upset and cross that I haven't been consulted, that I haven't been invited and that it's just accepted that I'll look after the children whilst he goes to this wedding. I feel like we're not a couple any more. I have told him how upset I am and he hasn't changed his plans.

Am I over-reacting?

[CheapSunglasses]

Tell him you can't look after the kids that weekend because you're being a bridesmaid for someone he's never met.

[lovemenot]

I was not invited to my stepsons wedding. The invitation arrived addressed to my h and my dd. He didn't have a problem with this and decided (without discussion) that he was going. I would never have stopped him from going to his own son's wedding, but I was devastated that my feelings didn't matter and he showed no concern for me. It was the beginning of the end.

OP, I hope you can get to the bottom of this, but yes, listen to your gut, it's telling you what you need to know.

[bjrce]

Sorry, Massive red flags here.
There's no way a groom would ask your DH to be best man and not ask you to the wedding.
If this is the case, it appears very likely that the groom and bride don't even know of your existence.
What do you mean you don't know what to say to him. FFS.

I would insist he speaks to the groom ensure you are invited to the wedding, or I would threaten to make contact with the groom myslef and find out exactly whats going on.
I am sorry, it really looks like he has OW lined up for this wedding. There's just no way on this earth a groom would have his married "Best Man" invited to his wedding alone.
Unless they are extremely weird people.

You need to get on his case right now, otherwise things are going to get much worse.

[donemekmelarf]

I would do a bit of digging around.
There's more to this than meets the eye.

Like somebody said. You need to start geting names and information.
Where is the wedding taking place?
Names of the couple (can look them up on FB)
Which hotel?
Date?
Time?

I would also call his bluff.
Say you are going to get someone to watch your children for the weekend of the wedding and guess what! ''I can come with you! Won't that be great DH?''
Watch his reaction.
If he goes a whiter shade of pale, starts to look sick at the thought of you turning up and fobs you off with even more excuses, then you have to consider the fact that
There is NO wedding
There is a wedding, but he doesn't want you on the scene (has eye on OW/work colleague )
Or he is taking you for granted and using you as an unpaid babysitter while he goes off enjoying his little jollies.

If all else fails and he still goes - Ask to see photos of this wedding. LOTS of photos.

If nothing else, I would definitely be getting names and surnames (phone numbers even) of the happy couple

He can't say ''I don't know/can't remember''. What kind of plonker doesn't know the full names of the people they're going to be best man for?

[donemekmelarf]

If he had any sense of decency, he would have pushed to get you an invite.

[Sleepyhoglet]

If you were invited, could/would you go? Maybe dh said you would be busy

[donemekmelarf]

The last time we went out together was a few months ago to see a film when my mum came to stay.

There's your answer.
Would it be possible for your mum to stay and watch your children while you go to the wedding with your DH?
It need only be one night away from them.

[newnamesamegame]

I think it is just possible, if they are very laid back types, second marriage etc, that they could be doing things very much on the hoof and only just got around to appointing a best man. But it does sound fishy.

In a way though its irrelevant. What matters more is that you feel uncherished and unappreciated and he seems to have assumed that you would just go along with whatever he wanted to do, no questions asked.

It does seem quite likely that he is up to something...

[Cancookdontcook]

If there really is a wedding maybe you are invited but he doesn't want you to go. You haven't seen the invitation.

Maybe he has invented the best man bit as a way of justifying why he absolutely has to go although it sounds very suspicious.

[Lavenderice]

I'm torn on this. One one hand I think you are wrong to be expected to be invited to a wedding when you have never even met either the bride or groom. If it's a small wedding they are probably a bit pushed for space and perhaps money. However with him being the best man it does seem a bit unusual.

The other big issue is one of how you divide your time. It's most certainly not fair at the moment.

[PoundingTheStreets]

I'm not as shocked as others about the fact you're not invited.

But I am appalled that he made the decision to attend unilaterally and with absolutely no regard for your feelings, the fact you are trying to save money, and the complete assumption that you are willing to have the kids all by yourself all weekend.

He is taking you for granted in a horrible, thoughtless way. TBH unless his behaviour changed sharply, that would be a deal breaker for me.

[BumgrapesofWrath]

Your instincts are telling you something is wrong. Listen to them.

[lordStrange]

I would definitely not go along and sort of lurk with my DC.

This is a shit arrangement. It comes on the back of a good amount of distancing between you two, which isn't helping.

This last minute best-man thing? No, this is a rubbish wedding by the sounds of it, and your H should be explaining to them what a normal marriage looks like. You should be going.

[DoristheCamel]

Is the wedding soon? How is his speech preparation coming along?
Bombard him with questions about the wedding and watch his response.
Find out where and what time and turn up to see he is there and if so he is alone.

[TongueBiter]

As an aside, do you still have a Best Man at civil ceremonies? I was married in a registry office and had 'witnesses' rather than best man and bridesmaids.

[Melonfool]

You can have who you want even at a civil ceremony, all the bm does at the ceremony is hold the ring. Their main role is organising the stag do (ask him how he's getting on with that!) and doing a speech at the do afterwards, so irrelevant whether it was church or register office.

I am in the v suspicious, to the point of thinking there is another woman, camp I'm afraid. The facts are too thin.

[mix56]

This is a friend that is so close that he has chosen OH as best man. but you don't know who it is ?
H is best man & his wife isn't invited ?
I suggest that you have more than just this as a problem. sounds like he has a complete separate life that he has no intention of including you in. He could have said he couldn't come without you.
For me, that is not a marriage.

[katiemorovsky]

Thank you for all your responses. I have spoken to him again and he said he will sort it out. He is planning to tell them that he won't be attending.

I now feel guilty about putting him in this awkward position, but feel I have to stick by this otherwise I'm giving him permission to not consider my feelings.

I think that this situation highlights that we aren't working well as a couple at the moment and we are both aware of it. We are going to have to try to fix the wider issues.

It has been reassuring to know that it's not me being overly sensitive and most of you would find this weird too. Thanks for your thoughts and for making me laugh!

[ALaughAMinute]

He's the one who should feel guilty, not you! He put you in an awkward position, remember?

If he's not planning on attending then there was probably no wedding in the first place! All very Strange!

Good luck. I hope you manage to resolve the problems within your marriage.

[Cancookdontcook]

Can't he just ask if he can bring his wife?

It sounds even more suspicious now that he has supposedly been asked to be the best man yet is going to say he can't attend. He is definitely hiding something from you.

[Melonfool]

No, telling them he won't go is even more weird. In this situation, what any normal person would do is say they are bringing their wife.
They would then try to arrange a time said wife could meet NewBFF before the wedding.

In real life, the groom and/or the bride would have made sure they knew the wife of the BM anyway, before the invites went out. Unless they are very rude.

I still don't think there is a wedding.

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

The 'best man' wouldn't pull out just like that.

[forumdonkey]

Hmmm it seems a strange reaction to pull out being best man and let a friend down when there are other solutions.

IMO the simpler solution to keep everybody happy is for you to join him, either go along as his plus one if you can have someone to have to DC's or as I originally said take the DC's see the bride and groom leave their wedding and then take the DC's to do something nice and he can join you later. Surely it will be easier for him to say he'd like to bring his DW than say he won't be best man. I don't know anyone who would see him wanting to bring his DW as unreasonable.

If he doesn't want to do this I would say there is more going on than you are being told.

[SylvaniansAtEase]

Oh reeeeeeally??!!!!

What a surprise!

OP, ask to see the invite. Or the FB announcement. There won't be one.

He knows he's been rumbled. There was no wedding. My thoughts are the same as others: he had a plan for that weekend which needed some massive cover story, and now you're focusing in, he knows he won't be able to get away with returning with not one single photo of the happy couple...

I am very sorry but the most likely explanation is that he has someone else, which would fit with his general lack of regard, respect and love for you that you describe.

Do some digging.

Keep on alert... especially for a sudden 'work trip' which materialises on the weekends in question and which he can't possibly get out of.

[SylvaniansAtEase]

Think about it even for a second and it's totally non-credible.

He's best man, but his solution to you not being happy about not being invited/him going away like this is to just pull out of the whole thing?

Err, no.

He could have suggested you come. It's thoroughly odd that you wouldn't have an invite anyway.
He could have suggested you all come for the trip and stay an extra day.

If this were me now I would still suggest this: 'No, no need to pull out. Let's ALL go, you can do the wedding, me and DC will do other stuff and we'll stay an extra day and all do something together. No, I insist. Where is the wedding? What have the bride and groom got up on FB - let's look at the location and what we could do/where we could stay...'

How he wriggles out of that one will tell you even more about this very odd situation...