What are your thoughts on this situation?

[katiemorovsky]

I have namechanged as I have spoken to a friend about this and I know she is a mumsnetter.

I have been married 13 years and have 3 children. I have been a sahm for the last 5 years and plan to start looking for work again after my youngest starts school later this year. My husband has been the sole earner during this time.

My husband works very hard and sometimes unpredictable hours, he sometimes travels with work so will be away for a week at a time. I have no family nearby. Therefore, understandably, most of the childcare falls to me including evenings and occasionally weekends. The last time we went out together was a few months ago to see a film when my mum came to stay. I'm including this detail to give some idea of our lifestyle.

My husband was recently invited to a work friend's wedding which will mean a weekend away. I wasn't invited to the wedding. I told him I thought it was strange that I wasn't invited and asked him to wait until we could check the diary before he accepted the invitation.

Several days later whilst looking at his emails he announced that he was going to the wedding and was now best man. This means he will be away for a Friday night with the stag do and over a weekend for the wedding whilst I look after the kids on my own again.

I am so upset and cross that I haven't been consulted, that I haven't been invited and that it's just accepted that I'll look after the children whilst he goes to this wedding. I feel like we're not a couple any more. I have told him how upset I am and he hasn't changed his plans.

Am I over-reacting?

[katiemorovsky]

whereis - I think he is being truthful but really thoughtless. I think this situation highlights my feeling that we are not really a couple at the moment. We don't socialise together, we don't really spend any time together without the children and I don't feel like he really wants to.

It's good to be reassured that I'm not alone in thinking this is a weird situation.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

What has he said to you about it? Why is he going? My Dh would just say he wouldn't go without me, he just wouldnt want to. It wouldn't happen. I'm older than you but that applies to when we got together at 25.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

Bit of a x post. But it must be so annoying for you, especially as you'd get some time together with your Dh without the kids. That's so important for a relationship IMO.

[goddessofsmallthings]

So what are you is he getting the happy for a wedding present?

The choice remains the same; and he can take it or leave it in that if he takes himself off to both, you'll leave him - although, on reflection, I think Justuse's suggestion is more appropriate than mine

[goddessofsmallthings]

happy couple!

[QuiteLikely5]

Refuse to look after the children. Take a stand. He is taking you for granted.

Tell him you need to start putting more effort into the marriage because it seems like you have drifted apart.

[WhereIsMYJonathanSmith]

Well I can only conclude that there is a lot more to this than attending a wedding. I find it very hard to understand how he would be asked to be best man to a work colleague, I also do not understand why he would be prepared to upset you over going and I also do not understand why you have not had an invite.

I would want to see the invite!

I fear this would be the beginning of the end for me. There isn't much worse than being lonely in a marriage.

[BeCool]

I also think it is very strange that you haven't been invited - the best mans wife isn't invited to a wedding?

And also he is so keen to go. He is living a bachelor life and you are rightly Pissed off op

[BolshierAyraStark]

You really really need to take a stand on this, he is taking you for a twat-please don't let him.
You need to sit him down & have a very frank discussion with him, how far you're willing to go on this I don't know but I think it's very hurtful & massively disrespectful of your feelings that he is plowing ahead with his plans that don't involve you.

[katiemorovsky]

I think he would look after the kids so I could have a weekend away but then we are both spending money we haven't got, and again, it's another weekend apart.

For me this really feels like a biggie and I can't really express why, apart from that it reinforces the feeling that I'm not important to my dh.

[WhileYouWereOut]

You are not over reacting at all. Regardless of how he knows the couple I do find it odd that you are not invited considering he's best man and I do find it wrong that he 'announced' he was going. No consultation or discussion involved (considering you'd even asked him to wait to check the diary first!!), it's as if you are his secretary and he was just updating you on his latest plans. Not the way a partnership should work.

How is he generally? Outside of this wedding scenario is he a good husband and father? Do you feel that you are a team in life? Do you feel he listens to you on other things? Does he show you or is he dismissive?

[katiemorovsky]

Bolshier - yes, I agree.

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

He's not the best man. Really he isn't.

There can be barely a man in the world who hasn't met his best man's wife/family, unless you live on different continents (and didn't invite him to your wedding!).

There's something very very fishy about this. Is he particularly close to any female colleagues?

[forumdonkey]

If hes got to book a hotel room it'll not be much more for a family room. Take the kids with you and have a weekend away. Let him do his best man duties, watch the wedding then take the DC's and have a nice day and leave him to it

[Cassie258]

The problem is, you may be annoyed at the situation etc but it is not his situation. It is the soon to be wed couples and they have created.

He should have said to them that it's not a good situation and he should have consulted you but he cannot change another couples wedding plans.

I think you, very similar to myself but for other reasons, need to find a way to remind yourselves that you are partners, not just friends.

Can you have a night away somewhere? That's a start

[goddessofsmallthings]

For me this really feels like a biggie and I can't really express why

Your spidey senses are on to something; they know it's a biggie and they're telling you to dig around.

Maybe make contact with the bride to wish her a wonderful day and ask if there's any particular gift she'd like the best man, your dh, to bring with him - you could say that without female input she and her groom could find themselves the appalled proud owners of a hideous ornament or some other item that is of no use to man or beast but which they'll feel duty bound to display on the offchance he calls by sometime.

Keep it light and humourous and you might find out more than you care to know whether he's up to no good with an ow.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Good plan forum - a family weekend away will be enjoyable for katie and the dc.

If it's not a church wedding you won't be able to slip into a rear pew to spectate, but if the ceremony is being held at a different venue to the reception you could lurk and watch the wedding party depart.

[dunedame]

Gosh, that really does sound suspicious, my antenna would be on high alert !

Maybe you are invited, but he hasn't told you because he doesn't want you to go for some reason. On the other hand, there is the possibility there is no wedding at all and he is up to something else.

I would say, fine , kids and I will come along for the weekend, I don't have to attend the wedding, but it will be something different for kids and I and we can spend some time together at some point.

Personally, I would make it as difficult as possible for him to attend.

So sorry you are dealing with crap like this.

[Pancakeflipper]

Oooh I like Forum's idea. Don't take no for an answer, there must be something near by suitable for you and the children.

Listen to that nagging inside of you, your instinct will be right.

[DPotter]

Yep - forum's idea is a goody. Will definitely bring something to a head.....

[expatinscotland]

I think someone might want two hotel weekends away with his mistress.

[redexpat]

I think i know why youre so upset. Your love language is time. This means you feel loved when you spend time with someone. We tend to show love in the way we want to receive it. You feel hurt because when he doesnt want to spend time with you and therefore you feel unloved.

On the invitation front, i dont mind one of us being invited if i havent met the couple, but i think the best man should get a plus one, and i would think it more usual that if you were on best man terms you would have met the wife.

[SylvaniansAtEase]

Oh yes.

You're going with him. Family room, and on the day of the wedding you and kids will go elsewhere and do something fun.

Clear gaze. Don't take no for an answer.

Watch his reaction. And if it's positive, don't then agree to him booking rooms etc. You take it on. 'I will certainly feel far happier and involved if I book the room/see where we're going/maybe we can do something the next day.' He might well agree while his mind races to circumvent it.

There is something fishy going on here. Do you have access to email/FB? Where is the invite?

[Corygal]

Bugger that. I've never heard of a wedding where the best man wasn't invited with his wife.

Go. Take the kids if nec, but be there.