I am shaking.... (long, sorry)

[iHAVEtogetoutofhere]

We had window cleaners. A new firm.
On their first visit they knocked a large heavy glass animal feedbottle (which was on a pen) and smashed it. They said nothing and didn't attempt to clear it up but left shards of glass everywhere. I noticed as I paid and they admitted it. I asked to dock a bit of the money and the lad said he'd 'speak to the boss'. Nothing came of it and over the next two visits they trampled the flower bed and leaned their ladders against the car so I cancelled further visits. They have come knocking the last 3 months and I have repeated the 'not wanted' each time.

today the boss knocks on the door - 'do you want your windows done'. So I say: 'no, not for last 3 months'. He then says: 'where is my money - you owe me £20 from 3 months ago and you have been asked 3 times and had excuses'. I said I had not. He said he had spoken to H and I should text him. I explained he is not contactable at work but I would speak to him tonight and he said he'd come back tomorrow.
I txt H but no reply. I ask him when he comes home and he says: 'they didn't speak to me'.
Then the window cleaners lad comes round. 'Where is the money'? I go through it with him, say I don't think we owe it as no requests or card left in postbox etc but I don't want a fight so I find my purse which has £10 in. I am not going out as I have sick child at home. So I offer him the £10, explain about the glass water feedbottle and say: 'so is that okay?'. He says yes.

10 mins later the boss comes round: 'what the feck is this?' waving the £10 at me. I explain and he says: hamster bottles are made of plastic and cost a quid. I say: it isn't a hamster and it is glass with a special holder, see here is the replacement and I fetch it and show him. He ignores me. Then he says they didn't break it anyway. I say they did and explain again. I say: 'also the flower bed and the ladders against the car'. He gets really angry and says, in my face: 'you are talking shite, you bitch' and kicks the gate really hard as he storms off.
Child inside hears him shouting.

H comes back 5m later. I tell him of altercation. He says: 'well there was £20 pinned up for about 2 weeks for the window cleaner, months ago.' I say: but you paid them that didn't you? - it's gone? He says: nothing to do with me, your job'. I say: why didn't you say this earlier? He says: you didn't ask. I am feeling quite upset by his 'nowt to do with me' approach and say I feel sad that he doesn't seem to care that I felt frightened by the window man.
He says: well, I'm not getting involved, what do you want me to do, punch him??? I say, no, of course not, but you could telephone or write. He says: 'no point, its over now' and starts storming around the kitchen. He bumps his head on a wall unit door which I inadvertently left open. It was not a hard bump but I expect it gave him a shock. He slams it with force, screams at me that: 'it is all your fault. you always always make trouble' and storms off. This is his default response to feeling 'under pressure'.
Sometimes if I handle it VERY carefully and he doesn't feel he has to DO anything, he can be okay (ish) but I tiptoe around this, all the time.

I am now supposed to cook the tea and not upset anyone.
But I feel upset.
I know this isn't AIBU but am I?
Maybe I did make a mistake about the window cleaner?
Maybe I shouldn't have implied H should phone or write to protest at the window guy's approach.
I knew he wouldn't but I did want need him to show some concern.
I have experience of a very violent man as a child and I get scared quite easily. H knows that.
(if you think I'm being a twit, please be kind about it).

Yes, can't yr husband go back to his beloved parents? Sounds like good plan all round.

Hi OP,
I'm still reading replies but just wanted to give you a hug and
I had an incident with a local taxi driver last year (accused me of bumping his car - I didn't). Guess whose side H took? I called the local policewoman as cabby was actually lunging at me (H just walked off into the house and left me there) and she was great. (She later told me cabby has 'form').
Just for this alone, OP. Just for this I would have left. I could never love someone who would leave me alone in a dangerous situation like that.
OMG. I literally feel sick.

I think you might have to call Women's Aid OP. Today.

OMG, OP.
I read many horrible things on the relationship board but this is right up there.
I'm in tears for you and your wee ones.
I can promise you one thing, being a single parent is not nearly as hard as the hell you and your children are going through.
Being a little poor for a while is a small price to pay for happiness and emotional and physical safety. And both you and your children deserve so much better.
Big hugs, darling woman. Jesus, 20 fucking years.
You've been serving a life sentence, darling.

Thank you.

I am feeling wobbly this morning.

He has taken the children on the trip to PIL.

They of course all excited to be going on a trip. The PIL are odd, imo, (underparenting is part of the reason H is the way he is?) but they will look after childern very well so I have no worries on that front.

H is a fool, but I have no worries he 'wont bring them back' (he'd HATE to have to stop work and actually look after them, or anything.... a weekend 'being good daddy' in front of his parents is all he wants).

But.... as he knows, my father died when I was very young and for complicated reasons (my mother was unwell and couldn't look after me safely) it affected my life profoundly. Father died in car accident. I'm a bit twitchy about long car journeys therefore. H will be driving them between Scotland and Birmingham that's twitchville for me

Also, as ds left today he was fighting back tears saying: 'maybe next time you'll be invited Mummy' (he is 10, but with SEN so a young 10). That's not right, is it? I know parents take their kids off on trips solo all the time, but his awareness I am not invited and his sadness about it was very sad to see.

Ds has, in the past, asked me if I was afraid of H. I didn't say yes, but I didn't say 'no' quickly enough, iyswim. He looked surprised and said: 'I'm only afraid of him because he is bigger than me'. (I am quite fat, so although H taller, in ds eyes he wouldn't be 'bigger than me'.) That worried me.

I don't want to stay in our house.
It is on 4 floors and I mobilise on crutches much of the time.
I have not been employed for some time, due to my health conditions and fact ds misses quite a bit of school unpredictably due to SEN.

Our local Education Authority provision for SEN is AWFUL -
(newsworthy scandal awful) and (H says I have 'rubbed them up the wrong way' but actually they have ignored 3 diagnoses now) a fresh start educationally for the children would actually be a good thing. I know too much change is never good but that is why we were moving anyway, it's just now I will need to go alone.

Because I am in Scotland, we have have a separation agreement that is legally binding as long as we have both taken legal advice.
Have been trying to sell house for 4 years. No joy.
He cant afford to buy me out.
Could possibly rent it and split proceeds which might go towards rental for me?

The practicalities of the split will be hard. I have NO money, am disabled and there are educational issues.

But what worries me most is that the children will hate me for leaving him.

When he is 'nice daddy' (and of course with me not being able to walk far, he has done many of the 'exciting' trips for years so they associate him with fun and me with 'eat up, brush teeth, do homework, tidy up - he ignores all that unless he explodes about it).

If I tell them we are leaving due to educational needs ds will 'blame' his SEN.
If I say we are leaving because I cant live with Daddy any more they will either think I am being selfish (it's not so bad?) or that I should have done it years ago (which I should ).

Sorry for muddle headed essay. Not much sleep.

I cant believe this is all coming out due to a window cleaner bill.

It's always the last straw and your back has long been at breaking point due to the onerous burden that is your h.

If you'd been serving the life sentence Khalisi has mentioned, you'd have been free years ago. As it is, you have endured the lonlieness inherent in your long-distance marriage for far too long.

The UK Women's Aid website is, to my mind, easier to navigate than its Scottish equivalent. You may not believe that you are a victim of domestic violence but if you visit www.womensaid.org.uk click on 'About domestic violence' and then click on 'What is domestic violence', you'll see you qualify for the club that no-one should have to join.

Please don't be in any doubt about this; your h may not have struck you or the dc but his emotional and verbal abuse is inflicting injuries that are more damaging in the long term than bruises which fade or broken limbs which heal in a comparatively short time.

Call the Scottish Women's Aid 27/7 Helpline on 0800 027 1234. If it's anything like the WAUK helpline it may take some time to get through but it will be worth perservering and, while you're going to receive a mahoosive amount of support and a surfeit of wise advice on this thread from caring mumsnetters in the UK and around the globe, there's no substitute for being able to offload in rl to a woman who understands.

You CAN bring about positive change for your dc and yourself, my lovely, and your OP is proof that it's meant to be.

Btw, 50 is the new 30 and you're going to feel 20 years younger when you and the dc are free of your h's oppressive ways.

for you, darling girl - and make sure you have a later.

So, so sorry to read this, iHAVE. It is unbearable to read

Yes, you are in an abusive relationship - and how. Why don't you have any money btw? Does he control all the money?

I don't know Scottish law but in the event of a divorce you should expect at least half of all assets; possibly more until the youngest is 18 - possibly longer than that as ds is SN. You need to speak to a solicitor, first half hour free, to see where you stand legally - you have a lot of rights, you are in a strong position as a spouse.

Women's Aid will help you with all this - they are the experts. Do get on the Freedom Programme - I assume courses are in Scotland, or there is a Scottish equivalent? You will get a lot of practical as well as emotional support there - it is an excellent course and you will meet women in a similar position.

Darling, it is unbearable to think you've endured this for so long. The only way is out: you need to leave this vile bully. Your kids will thank you for it - and it is the very best you can do for them, it is SO damaging for them to live with this

You can do this - many of us on here have

ihave you may find the reaction of your children a surprise. When I made the decision to leave my EA H I had the most emotional wrangling going on in my head about how my youngest was going to respond. When I eventually told her we were leaving she said she was relieved, she wanted to get away from the atmosphere too. I never expected that at all. Just goes to show how much they do pick up on.

Sincerely wish you well, you have and will get some great advice from some amazing women here who have been in your shoes and escaped

isn't the whole point of having a husband so that he can put other men off from intimidating you?
If he doesn't, and instead takes the side of the bullies, then he's not doing his job properly as a husband.
Then again it is true that women are far more likely to be abused by their husbands than men they don't really know.

I'm so angry on your behalf that you got it from all angles here!
Clearly your husband is one of these men who is more bothered about angering other men (and facing repercussions) than standing up for his wife. My dad was like this. Would take every bully's side but never mine. A lily-livered coward.

Hi iHave, sorry to hear you have been living like this. You sound like a warm lovely caring intelligent person and your H sounds disgusting.

Please don't worry about what your kids will think.. The fact that your DS asked if you are scared of your H is a sign that he knows what a bully your H is. I agree with a PP that your kids will be relieved when you leave. I grew up in a house like this, with a kind gentle mum and abusive shouting controlling dad; and all I wanted was for my dad to leave us in peace. It was nice to see the happiness come back to my mums face when he finally left, although it was damaging for me to be in that environment for so many years.
You can do it. Get practical help as suggested by other posters and leave or get him out.

I bloody cried reading your posts iHAVE. You poor love. He said he was "disappointed with family life"? Like you'd failed a test or something. I can't see one single benefit to you for staying with this tosser. Whereas he, he has somebody to bully, which is clearly one of his favourite pastimes.

I once lived with a joyless bullying wanker like your H. I wish I'd known about Women's Aid back then! But by Christ, the happiness and relief I felt on getting rid was astounding. Suddenly there was hope and happiness and joy and possibilities. I would even go so far to say that your health will improve.

I can't add to the really sound advice been given on here, just wanted to give you some support. Please contact Women's Aid, I think Goddess linked to them in an earlier post.

The children won't hate you for leaving . They will be relived to be away from the stress

Can I ask why you and DH have a seperation order when you are still living as husband and wife?

iHave just adding my support. Your posts are so profoundly sad. I,like many others, left a bastard similar to yours. My children are flourishing. Please start to fight your way out x

iHave, I can't offer much in the way of advice; wiser people than me have already done that. Your story is upsetting and I totally get that you automatically blame yourself for everything; I do too and have to be constantly aware of when it happens. The advice about contacting women's aid is good because they have a lot of experience in supporting women who need to leave abusive relationships and they'll be RL help for you and your children.

We have fallen out with our window cleaners too but DH dealt with it and they won't be back (struggling to clean the windows ourselves from the inside, badly, having to lean out of the upstairs windows to reach ). It has put me off looking for another one.

I just wanted to say to the people who have taken the time to read this - now long - thread and post, even today.

Obviously I have put things from 'my perspective' but I was careful to be truthful about it and I don't think I have exaggerated.

I am taken aback that my posts have made complete strangers emotional.

Clearly something really IS askew.

I have spoken to him yesterday (briefly) and today (to pass on a message re his work). He has the kids at PIL this weekend (some 300 odd miles away). Yesterday he was really stilted (as were PIL). They behave as if we were long divorced. If they visit they barely speak to me. They have not phoned our landline in 4+ years - ALL contact is direct to him via his phone - which I am not allowed to see (I dont see why I should see it, but I am certainly not allowed to and he keeps it on him at all times).
I think he has been feeding them 'poor me' stories for years.

Today I briefly spoke to his aunt (he was at her house) to pass on the work message. She was lovely, warm, kind, chatty. I bet she could hardly believe the way he behaves, if only she knew.

He was - grateful (?) I had passed on the works message - embarrassed sounding - and (almost) 'normal' with me.

He CAN do it, he just chooses not to

I don't want to be the spittoon for all his disappointments and frustrations for the rest of my life.

I am going to try for more. I am not sure how yet. But I am.

The only way you are going to get 'more', my love, is to recognise that your life and the lives of your dc will be infinitely more rewarding, more satisfying, and will be much more FUN without him in it.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that the occasional glimpse of 'niceness' means all you have to do is hang on in there and find ways of bringing about some alteration in the way he treats you, otherwise you'll still be posting here when you're 60 and nothing will have changed.

Have you called Scottish Women's Aid? And if not, why not? < stern look > Every day is the first day of the rest of your life. You've had so little happiness for such a very long time; the tragedy is that it needn't have been like that - and it certainly doesn't have to be like that for the future.

How can we help you move into the life you and your dc should be living?

Hi goddess

No I have not called SWA because I had a bad experience with them once before. Once I am re-settled I will call English WA though.

But... I have an appointment to look at a rental this Thurs.

I have also spoken to him and said that I don't think we should continue to live together and he agreed (however, I'm not putting any faith in anything he says)

So I am going to plow a different furrow by the end of this summer.

Yes, I'd love some help. The best way would just be for me to feel I can keep posting and get the odd reply without judgement but with support.

I will do this in the timescale I feel I can cope with, but it WILL get done now - so many things are pointing to it, in all areas, not just this one.

I have been following another post about a person who feels she is married to a 12 year old and so many of the replies resonate to my situation too.

My H CAN behave fine - at work, to his family, to friends, to neighbours.

But he chooses not to with me. No more.

Well done op. You're sounding strong and clear. I think the clarity is often the hardest part. Once you know he's choosing how to behave then you know you can't change him. You can only change what you're going to do.

I bloody knew he was no good after 7 years,
and I've spent another 7 trying....

Oh, I know that's because I never had a Dad so would do anything to keep H in family for kids

and I know it's because he was underparented and we have had strains that would warp the strongest steel to deal with

BUT..... he just isn't 'up to the job' of our life, without collapsing all over me, aggressively, all the time.
I don't love him and I don't even like him tbh.
I stopped respecting him and trusting him 7 years ago.

God, I've wasted so much time and energy.

The longer I've left it, for the kids, the more I've felt I 'should' stay iyswim?

I feel so ashamed.

I'm very sorry to learn you had a bad experience with SWA but I hope you'll conside asking for the number of your local/branch simply as an additional resource if your h kicks off.

As one of my dearly beloved relatives used to say, there's no point crying over spilt milk. What's done is done and, as I have no doubt that you did the best you could with what you had at the time, there's no need whatsoever for you to feel any shame.

However, now you've had your 'lightbulb' moment, the clock is ticking and it is incumbent on you to make sure that you have no cause to beat yourself up for any real or perceived failings in the future.

There IS is a joyous future waiting for you and your dc - don't waste any more time than is strictly necessary on the lost cause of your marriage before you start living life as it's meant to be lived.

Does it help to know about the fallacy of sunk costs? Everyone, everywhere, feels they ought to go to a show they have bought tickets for in advance, even though actually the money is gone either way so really you do what you like.

I think it is normal to think that you have invested a lot so shouldn't you wait for your 'return'. But you know you won't get what you want/need/should have now or ever from him.

It is really really good that he agreed with your assessment, I think. At least, it is a good start. I suspect he will be a shit bag to deal with but you will get support on here to deal with that too.

Hi Funny - 'the fallacy of sunk costs' - I like that. That is a useful thing to bear in mind in many parts of life, I think. Thank you.

I think I meant more that, I know when I should have left. Ds was 3.5 and dd was 6m. Something horrible happened. I went to WA. They passed on the info to the Police who came around and spoke to H. He gave them this sob story about having to work so hard, child with SN, wife with disability, all so hard, and they listened. They told him to stay away for 1 night and that was it. He felt validated by them (and hugely angry with me for 'telling tales') and I felt despairing.

Now I've left it so long, and the children have got to know and love him as they grow up, I feel it will upset them more than if I'd gone when they were small, iyswim. Mind you, my Dad died when I was 3m old so not 'old enough to 'know him' and I have felt his absence all my life.

Goddess - yes, I would call if things got worse. I am just hoping to settle elsewhere and call a diff branch. I hope I have done the best I could with the resources I've had (pretty slim) but it is hard not to feel guilty. I wanted my children to have a lovely childhood. Home has not been as relaxed as it should be, and 1 in particular has had an appalling time at school too.

You are right, all I can do is make sure what I do now is right. Thank you. You don't know what your words mean to me - but they are directly helping to make a difference to my life. Bless you for that.x

Are you saying that your nearest/local WA branch passed information to the police without having first sought your consent? If so, that would indeed be a matter which would be of great concern to those who are further up the chain than those on the ground, so to speak.

I can tell you that in the past 7 years Scottish police in particular have undergone something of a sea change in terms of their response to domestic violence and I would hope that your previous experience would not be repeated if you were to call them today.

FWIW I suspect that if you had had reason to call the police shortly after their seemingly cosy chat with your h, his feet wouldn't have touched the ground until they landed in the custody suite as the vast majority of officers do not take kindly to their 'friendly advice' being ignored.

But that's in the past, honey, and that territory is out of bounds unless you have need to draw on past experience in order to create a very different future for yourself and your dcs.

Bless you too, iHAVE, and I hope that you will soon be in a place where you can look back and bless the day you found the courage to post on mumsnet.

the 'fallacy of sunk costs' - that's a good one Funny because from one point of view, whatever the cost, the price was worth it to get ourselves to where we are today which, hopefully, is far more rounded and grounded than we were yesterday

goddess I have pm'd you.x

Hi 'HAVE' . I thought I would come and see how you were doing on your thread as you so kindly posted on mine (husband like a 12 year old). It seems you are further along the journey than me. You are talking about separating and moving out. I feel like I have just realised the enormity of my situation and am quite confused by everything.
Do you think your kids are damaged by what has gone on?