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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting married in two days and feel like running away

141 replies

sunshineandspiders · 26/05/2015 15:23

That's it really. I'm sick with worry that I'm doing the wrong thing. Guests are travelling tomorrow from all over the UK and I feel like the axe is coming down on my head. I'm so embarrassed and feel I'm going ahead with it just so not to look stupid.

My partner and I have been arguing for weeks about his negative sarcastic behaviour and more recently about his nasty arrogant attitude towards my daughter. He's like an addict who can't see how his behaviour is so destructive. Even after two days of intense discussion and arguments, the first words out of his mouth when I came in earlier were negative.

It's dragging me down and making me depressed. If I had more time I'd suggest some space apart to try and work out what the issue is. But I feel I don't.

I hate him at the moment and can't pull myself out of it.

OP posts:
Minnie11 · 26/05/2015 20:48

Call if it off if you really aren't sure. I didn't call mine off and I walked down the aisle asking myself what the hell I was doing. 5 years later we had a horrific divorce which cost 5 times as much as the wedding and 5 years of my life wasted. I wish I had called mine off. The upset of that would have been far far less than the divorce.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 26/05/2015 20:49

Holding your hand.
I know you must feel completely trapped but you're not.

spottybottycream · 26/05/2015 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CitySnicker · 26/05/2015 20:50

Wow

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 26/05/2015 20:53

Might be better to PM the OP, spotty rather than use a possible real name.

PresidentTwonk · 26/05/2015 21:00

I felt like you a week prior and all through the wedding. I got married (now divorced) and its my biggest regret. Please don't do it.

Lauren83 · 26/05/2015 21:02

Seriously call it off, don't be scared. I tried calling mine off and bottled it then did it 4 weeks after and it was much much worse and messier, I kick myself so much. Luckily it was a very small wedding £30 dress, no cake or photos and I did the food myself, so at least we didn't have the burden of the huge cost too

Fizzyplonk · 26/05/2015 21:04

Same here.
It's embarrassing divorcing shortly after a wedding too.
People will still have 'wasted' their money if you split up shortly after.
You'll spend more in a divorce which might be tricky to get.
Most people know someone who has backed out at the last minute- I know 2.
It would be the brave thing to do. Do it for your DC if not for yourself x

ImperialBlether · 26/05/2015 21:04

If you told anyone that you were calling off the wedding because he was horrible to your child, nobody would blame you at all.

Be brave, OP. Be the best friend you can be to your child and tell this tosspot to fuck off.

mrstweefromtweesville · 26/05/2015 21:07

Sorry, I'm going to shout...... RUN AWAY!

If you know in advance you aren't happy, don't marry him. You'll have to stay married a while before you get a divorce.

I knew.
I didn't run.

I had DD from the marriage and I wouldn't want to be without her, but every other aspect of the marriage was very, very bad and I'm not over it yet. Its almost thirty years since it ended and the ex died this year.

You've already got your daughter. You don't need a man who will make both you and she miserable.

Run away.

Fizzyplonk · 26/05/2015 21:07

Once you start telling people you'll feel relieved as you'll have set the ball in motion and won't be able to dither any more. That's how I felt when I started ringing people to say I was getting divorced x

Babylonbaby77 · 26/05/2015 21:08

Listen OP, I should have called off my wedding 18 years ago but didn't. I just didn't have the nerve and like you was afraid of letting everyone down. The misery I felt on my wedding day was horrific and I just wish my parents or someone could see it and help me. 6 months later I cracked and left but it was much harder to sort out as we were now married. As soon as I left I felt a physical weight had been lifted. Very soon after I met my now husband and we have 2 beautiful children and have been together 17 years, married for 13.

Listen to your heart. If he makes you feel like this he is not the one. Life is a long time to be unhappy

ceecee32 · 26/05/2015 21:12

The post from spotty to her friend is fantastic. If she has guessed correctly and it is the person that she knows it makes it much easier for the OP to ask for the help she needs

And if it isn't the same person - it shows the reaction that will come from people who really care

Dansak · 26/05/2015 21:13

I hope you're ok op, I'm sure its hard reading all of this.

My dsis had similar doubts, even on the morning of the wedding, she went through with it anyway, 5 years later and 2 children they have now got divorced, after a terrible time together.

Do it now before you go down a similar path, we all knew she was doing the wrong thing and everyone was hoping she would call it off.

flimflamflarnfilth · 26/05/2015 21:16

I hope you get all the support you need if you decide to go with your gut. Thinking of you OP. Flowers

Thisismyfirsttime · 26/05/2015 21:25

Please come back OP and tell us why exactly you think you can't do it. Is it because of the shame? The expense others have gone to? The expense you've gone to, are you in debt for the wedding etc? Do you think you'd have to break up completely and are afraid to do so? If we had more to go on as to what you're most worried about we could help with that too!

Blazing88 · 26/05/2015 21:33

You'll probably have some very relieved guests to be fair!

People know when someone is a twat.

My friend called off her engagement 3 months before the wedding (bit different I know). Honestly. My reaction? Thank FUCK for that!

If she had done it the day before, and I'd travelled/paid money etc, I would still have thought the same.

DO NOT GO THROUGH WITH THIS!!!!

missqwerty · 26/05/2015 21:37

I get married in August and I will admit I have nerves, a few anxious what ifs. Healthy questioning as I ponder a lifetime with somebody. However your panic sounds like a legitimate reason to run! Take everybodies advice and don't look back, life is too short to be tied down to somebody that isn't good enough for you!

rumbleinthrjungle · 26/05/2015 21:59

OP, try thinking about this with the longer view. What about a year from now?

A year from now your guests, the vendors for the wedding, everyone involved, won't be affected by your cancelling or any minor inconvenience of cancelling, any more than they'll be affected by you getting married. If you go through with a marriage you know won't be happy in, a year from now the consequences for you could be very major.

Any money you won't get back - don't worry about that. It's an investment in you, and what you need. That isn't a loss. There is no shame or embarrassment in saying no, this is not the right thing to do. Listen to your instincts and do what you want to do love. Flowers

bunchoffives · 26/05/2015 23:13

Poor OP, overwhelming, unanimous advice to call off her wedding. Must be hard to face Sad

Hope she's listening.

goddessofsmallthings · 26/05/2015 23:25

I sincerely hope the OP's failure to return is due to her mustering her troops and directing cancellation of the ceremony/venue/flowers/photographer etc and providing forewarning/explanation to those guests who aren't part of her inner circle of confidantes.

RickJames · 26/05/2015 23:52

I once started planning a wedding and then called it all off. Hadn't got as far as the invitations but had accepted engagement gifts etc. Limped on for a few years making excuses...

I know it seems like the most awful thing ever but really, you are saving everyone a whole heap of future trouble.

And stopping yourself enjoying life and then meeting a fab, sexy man in the future. When you do finally meet the right sort of man you'll be bloody glad you haven't married and divorced a nutter beforehand. Makes everything so much easier. Also other people only tell you how much they couldn't stand your ex until after he's dumped and gone - people are funny like that.

springydaffs · 27/05/2015 00:25

Marriage is a covenant - it's serious stuff. It's not a party and nice clothes.

No-one who is or has been married (plus many besides: the majority) will condemn you for backing out of something so serious - they will know you had good reason to do it.

Please don't be frightened to cancel bcs of the money!

WellWhoKnew · 27/05/2015 01:37

Calling it off will be difficult, but it's a few weeks/months of difficult. Them 'talking heads' will be gossiping about you whether or not you call it off now, or within a year of marriage, or after thirty years. So them aren't a factor, just a given.

Divorce takes a year if you've married in mistake. That's every single bloody day of hell for at least a year to get that damage undone.

If you can stay married for a year, then...if you're 'lucky' divorce will take 4 - 6 months if it's 'amicable'. Of course, you've still got that year of 'trying to make the best of it' to come to terms with as well.

Best you don't do it in the first place. Calling it off will be difficult. Divorce is harder.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/05/2015 01:45

Call it off now. Phone your parents if you can then get them to phone people too.

Don't inflict this man on your DD - get rid now.