Getting married in two days and feel like running away

[sunshineandspiders]

That's it really. I'm sick with worry that I'm doing the wrong thing. Guests are travelling tomorrow from all over the UK and I feel like the axe is coming down on my head. I'm so embarrassed and feel I'm going ahead with it just so not to look stupid.

My partner and I have been arguing for weeks about his negative sarcastic behaviour and more recently about his nasty arrogant attitude towards my daughter. He's like an addict who can't see how his behaviour is so destructive. Even after two days of intense discussion and arguments, the first words out of his mouth when I came in earlier were negative.

It's dragging me down and making me depressed. If I had more time I'd suggest some space apart to try and work out what the issue is. But I feel I don't.

I hate him at the moment and can't pull myself out of it.

Just cancel it. Yes you may lose some money and the time you put into the wedding but that money and time would be spent whether you get married or not (it's a sunk cost) so don't make it worse! I also canceled my wedding last minute and so glad I did! I'd be mortified to be married to him.

OP, if this was your DD, and it was her wedding day, and she wanted to pull out, what would you say?
My bf married, and she said that she knew she wasn't in love with him and it was doomed. She didn't want to disappoint everyone, so went ahead.
I'll tell you now, it has ruined her life. She is divorced, but her ex is a nasty, vindictive,manipulative psychopath, so,as they have a child she is permanently attached in a way to this twat.
I am 100% sure that her parents, family and friends wish she never married him.
Please,please,8sunshineandspiders*,don't do it.
How can you marry someone who is horrible to your daughter?

"My partner and I have been arguing for weeks about his negative sarcastic behaviour and more recently about his nasty arrogant attitude towards my daughter"

Call it off now.

These are extremely good reasons NOT to go ahead with this wedding. Do not marry him. He'll be a crap example of a stepfather to your child as well.

Anyone who moans and groans about you calling it off is not acting in your best interests.

When I canceled my wedding nobody was mad at all. It gave some people who traveled a chance to see each other when they normally wouldn't. They were very sympathetic to what I was going through.

Cancel it. It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

It'll be a hrd few days but I think you'll find the majority of people are sympathetic. It's not like you'd call off a wedding on a whim. Better to call and end to it now, than go through it feeling sick, with a fixed panicky smile on your face and get divorced a year down the line.

Call in the troops to help. Bridesmaids, your parents, best friend? Give them the file with all the vendor and guest details and get them to do the cancellations (you might have to do the vendors as they usually won't take instructions from other people. What you can do is create one template email for them and get someone else to email it round for you and follow up with a call).

Then hide away for a few days/go stay with friend or relative/go on the honeymoon. You'll feel relieved.

You will be doing both of you a favour and the way he treats your dd should make you run a mile It will cause a bit of a hoo ha and gossip etc but that all blows over in weeks if not days Trust your instinct

It's a chance to find out who your real friends are. If ANYONE gives you grief because they have to cancel their plans, etc. instead of realising what horrible things you must be going through in order to reach this conclusion then they're not really a friend are they? I suspect, however, that you will get nothing but support. If I had to cancel or change plans because a friend or family member felt they had no choice but to cancel their wedding I'd just think "good for them" and I'd want to be there for them in whatever way I could.

In hindsight I KNOW my family/friends would have done the same for me.

CALL IT OFF!!!!!!!

Come on, OP.

You know this is wrong.
That's why you posted.
You can if you choose to look back on this and think 'What a shitstorm - but thank GOD I did the right thing'.

You're a mother.
Your instinct to protect your child is SCREAMING OUT - LISTEN TO IT!!!!

DON'T do this to your baby.
Protect her - now. Call off the process that will see her get a nasty, judgemental, self-esteem-shattering PIG for a stepdad.

Tell people what the truth is. If they love you, they won't give a fig about the money/hassle/ whatever.

If you were my daughter, I'd hug you and say, why on earth didn't you tell us. Don't worry about a thing. We're cancelling right now, and everyone we love will understand.

It's so so so much easier to cancel now than end up in a long drawn out, hideous divorce. Cheaper, too.

CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL!!!!

Don't get married just because it's all planed, please don't.

At the very least you need some time and distance to clarify whether this man is who you want to spent the rest of your life with (potentially). What you are describing does NOT sound like last minute nerves, but more like severe misgivings.

Trust you own judgement.
Listen to him - he is telling you who he is, believe him.

It's not for us to tell you what to do, but I actually think that you know what is likely to be the less traumatic way forward.
Wishing you strength

I agree with everyone else.

Save yourself and your daughter a life of stress and misery and call it off.

If you go through with this you will feel like you are in a prison before the end of the day. You and your daughter deserve so much more!

You really need to call it off, OP. Today if possible.

You have to call it off, if at least for your DD's sake.

Much easier to call it off now than get divorced.

I cannot believe he is treating you like this in the run up to your wedding. He is not worth marrying. This should be a very happy exciting time for you both, not a time filled with arguments!

Call it off now, still see your friends, even have a party if you want to and it's all paid for, but don't get married!!!

Oh and if I were a travelling guest, I'd think:

'Wow - what on earth?! Poor thing she must have been in turmoil. I'm so glad she's had the balls to cancel. Oh goodness I hope she's ok and I'm so glad the wedding isn't going ahead. I'll call her mum right now and see if we can all meet up while I'm down.'

I WOULDN'T be thinking:

'Oh how annoying! How unfair, I've travelled all the way from Dundee, the least she could have done is gone through with it - they can always divorce!'

Call it off.

Look, anyone you invite to a wedding is close enough to care for you. Do you honestly think that anyone who cares for you wants you to go through with a wedding you don't want just so they can have a bit of cake and free booze? No, they do not.

Listen to your gut. I almost sleepwalked into a wedding a few years back. Called it off and I am so, so glad I did (and he wasn't even a bad guy, just we'd grown apart.)

I second the pp above who says to call in the troops. Get them rallied round you to deal with the logistics. But whatever you do, don't marry someone if you're not skipping with joy at the thought.

Old cliche, but true, marry in haste, repent at leisure.

OP, please call it off. How old is your DD? The thought of tethering a child to an arrogant, angry man makes my blood run cold. Please don't do it.

Exactly what Sylvanian said about people's reactions. Wishing you strength.

Call it off.

If I were a guest traveling to your wedding, and I heard you'd called it off, I'd support you. I'd feel sad for you, and I'd have some compassion. I would certainly not want someone to marry someone because of social pressure.

Wedding guests don't get pissed off if a marriage ends in divorce. Same thing.

I'm due to attend a wedding as a guest in a couple of weeks. If they were to call it off, I wouldn't remotely think they'd embarrassed themselves in my eyes. I'd think they're taking the marriage thing seriously enough not to go ahead when things aren't right.

I'd quite happily attend it just as a big party that someone is throwing, and just as happily rejoice in having an unexpected weekend to myself.

He's not going to get any nicer once you've a ring on your finger, and I can tell you that from bitter experience.

Sylvanian makes good points about what the guests are likely to be thinking.

Noone would want you to go through with it just so that they would not be inconvenienced!

I can't see one poster who thinks it's a good idea to just go through with it. Mumsnet is behind you!

I guess anyone would be apprehensive about their upcomin wedding so I could be that nerves have got the better of you, and you're thinking of all the things that could go wrong.
However intuition exists for a reason to help you make the right decision. Perhaps your instincts are telling you this not the right guy for you.
It's better to realise that now than 6 months down the line or after 5 years together with 3 kids.

Call it off!

My close, close friend called off their wedding for very good reason. Not a single person complained or was aggrieved. They didn't pry or question, just wished them both well and that was that.

Honestly. Don't get married because of the potential of a little social embarrassment.

Everything tells me to break it off

I imagine most people that care for you [if not all] will say 'phew'.

Call it off. It's well worth it to not be stuck with this person for goodness knows how many years.

I'm sure calling off now is a terrifying thought, but not calling it off is far more terrifying... And just think of the relief you'll feel in a few days' time if you don't go through with it.

Do you have somebody close to you in whom you can confide and who can help you?