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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting married in two days and feel like running away

141 replies

sunshineandspiders · 26/05/2015 15:23

That's it really. I'm sick with worry that I'm doing the wrong thing. Guests are travelling tomorrow from all over the UK and I feel like the axe is coming down on my head. I'm so embarrassed and feel I'm going ahead with it just so not to look stupid.

My partner and I have been arguing for weeks about his negative sarcastic behaviour and more recently about his nasty arrogant attitude towards my daughter. He's like an addict who can't see how his behaviour is so destructive. Even after two days of intense discussion and arguments, the first words out of his mouth when I came in earlier were negative.

It's dragging me down and making me depressed. If I had more time I'd suggest some space apart to try and work out what the issue is. But I feel I don't.

I hate him at the moment and can't pull myself out of it.

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 26/05/2015 18:39

We're holding your hand OP. Thanks

museumum · 26/05/2015 18:42

Cancel.

We had a fully member cancel a wedding. We were all shocked but soon decided she was actually really brave.
None of us minded the change of arrangements / cost.

chundercatsarego · 26/05/2015 18:57

Please cancel... my sister married when she had a head full of doubts and it resulted in a very messy divorce, and she's tied to the guy forever as they had a DC. It's been the biggest regret (excluding her DC of course), of her life.

For my part I now check on the morning of the wedding with close friends and family, that they are sure, and give them an out if they need it. People might be shocked, but that will last a few weeks at most. The results of an unhappy marriage can last a lifetime.

storynanny2 · 26/05/2015 19:14

Please don't get married. Are you quite young? I was in my early 20's when I walked up the aisle feeling sick and not being brave enough to say no. Now in hindsight in my late 50's I could be brave enough if I was in that situation again. Talk to someone you are close to and ask them to help you cancel everything.
Please please try and be braver than me and be honest with yourself.
My lack of courage has altered the course of my adult life even 30 years after a hideous divorce.
Thinking about you and hoping you can talk to someone.

FlabulousChix · 26/05/2015 19:16

It's how he treats your child that is the most worrying why would you be with someone let alone marry a person that treated your child like shit. What is this saying to your kid? That she comes last sorry for me how someone treats my kids is the most important thing of all.

Justusemyname · 26/05/2015 19:16

Please cancel and finish it with him.

People will understand and if they don't, tough. It's your life, not theirs.

They will be disappointed as most people love a good wedding but this is not a good wedding and they will be disappointed you couldn't tell the truth.

Don't do it. You're a fool if you do.
Be brave.

Charlie97 · 26/05/2015 19:19

There is not one person on this thread saying go ahead, so don't do it!

Cancel, the relief you feel once it's done will be immense.

X

ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 26/05/2015 19:40

OP, my friend called off her wedding just before it happened, and it was abroad. Many people had booked hotels and they didn't get their money back etc.

BUT no one was cross or annoyed with the couple. They were totally able to see that what mattered was the future happiness of the couple. And that meant they had to split up.

Do cancel your wedding. And don't feel that you have to give the potential guests a massive explanation why. Get in touch with someone, a friend, sister, parent, anyone who can support you. Pass round the message, get friends to phone friends etc. It will lift the weight off your shoulders.

Then, if you can, leave your unpleasant partner and the relationship that is bad for you and your daughter. It sounds as if you're in a bad place right now. You CAN get out of it. It's not too late.

ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 26/05/2015 19:43

BTW, everyone thought that my friend who cancelled her wedding was very, very brave.

Because she was. You can be too.

And make plans about starting a new life, away from a relationship where you feel like an axe is about to fall.

Zillie77 · 26/05/2015 19:47

I don't know if you should call off the wedding or not, because I don't know your situation well, but if you do, I don't think that you should worry about people being unhappy or irritated with you. If I were invited/travelling to a wedding that was called off at the last minute I would be tickled pink that someone was bold enough to make a difficult decision like that, and I would support it 100%.

Sansarya · 26/05/2015 19:50

Don't go through with it OP. Much easier to LTB now than when you're married.

HSMMaCM · 26/05/2015 20:01

My dad sat me down on the morning of my wedding and asked. "Are you sure you want to go through with this?" He knew everyone was already on their way and all the money had been spent, but he was still happy for me to change my mind. I went ahead and we are still together 25 years later, but I could have pulled out with no judgement.

Pull out now.

Mom2K · 26/05/2015 20:03

Oh hun, please get out. It's not too late. After you say I do, it will only get worse. Flowers

Ohfourfoxache · 26/05/2015 20:04

Sweetheart you know in your heart of hearts what you need to do.

Trust your instincts x

Stitchintime1 · 26/05/2015 20:05

About your daughter? He's horrible to your daughter? You should run away.

haroldsfakebluetits · 26/05/2015 20:06

Call someone you love and trust and tell them you need help. Cancel the wedding asap. Get your beautiful daughter and run. If not for yourself then her. Be strong. A wedding is not worth the years of hell ahead. X

NameChange30 · 26/05/2015 20:10

Please call it off!
Confide in someone - your mum, your best friend, anyone. Get them to give you a hug and help with the practicalities of notifying wedding suppliers and guests.
Calling it off won't be easy but you won't regret it. You WILL regret marrying him - and then ending it will be much harder.

RuddyHellItsSoftCell · 26/05/2015 20:18

Yes please do call it off.

It will be fine, I promise.

Good advice on here to imagine what you'd want your daughter to do, if it was happening to her.

BeCool · 26/05/2015 20:21

If you were my friend daughter or sister I would be so relieved if you called it off now. There is no way I would want someone i loved to marry feeling this way.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 26/05/2015 20:22

Nobody would rather you married him just to please guests who are travelling a distance.

You only get one life. Make sure its a good one.

Justusemyname · 26/05/2015 20:25

What has your gut been telling you with 100% saying call it off. Is it relief, disappointment, incredulity?

What about if I say I think you should marry him? He sounds nervous, that's all. Do you feel relief that you can marry him now, or are you thinking I've lost my marbles?

I'm a great believer in gut feelings but know sometimes it is hard to trust and listen to them.

Call it off. Call someone now. You can do this. You're an adult and can do what you want. Do you want your daughter more abused? Of course not. Make the call.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 26/05/2015 20:41

I so nearly called my first wedding off. Light dawned in the weeks before the big day that it was a mistake but I went through with it.
When we split up a couple of horrible years later everyone was "At last!"

Baconontomato · 26/05/2015 20:42

Call it off. You'll be so proud of yourself.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 26/05/2015 20:44

I had a horrific argument 4 days before I got married and nearly called it off. The reason I didn't was because I was too embarrassed and didn't want to cause a fuss.

It was a horrendous marriage, we split up three years later and we divorced in under 5 years.

My advice, if you are having doubts now, then listen to that nagging voice. Good luck Thanks

skinnyabc · 26/05/2015 20:45

Are you OK op?