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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Getting married in two days and feel like running away

141 replies

sunshineandspiders · 26/05/2015 15:23

That's it really. I'm sick with worry that I'm doing the wrong thing. Guests are travelling tomorrow from all over the UK and I feel like the axe is coming down on my head. I'm so embarrassed and feel I'm going ahead with it just so not to look stupid.

My partner and I have been arguing for weeks about his negative sarcastic behaviour and more recently about his nasty arrogant attitude towards my daughter. He's like an addict who can't see how his behaviour is so destructive. Even after two days of intense discussion and arguments, the first words out of his mouth when I came in earlier were negative.

It's dragging me down and making me depressed. If I had more time I'd suggest some space apart to try and work out what the issue is. But I feel I don't.

I hate him at the moment and can't pull myself out of it.

OP posts:

PacificDogwood · 26/05/2015 16:15

To quote this old chestnut: "Anybody who matters won't mind, anybody who minds doesn't matter".

I have a friend who had serious doubts about whether or not to go ahead with her wedding and under some pressure from her family , did.
She tried to get in annulled the next week and could not. She had to get divorced with all that entailed.

A wedding lasts one day, a marriage much longer.
Don't get blinded by the Big Day to what bigger problems you are likely to get in to.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 26/05/2015 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomFriend · 26/05/2015 16:22

Please tell someone in RL that can help you do the calling.

IPokeBadgers · 26/05/2015 16:27

I hate him at the moment and can't pull myself out of it.

This is not a case of pre-wedding jitters. Please talk to someone you trust and get their support to help you call off the wedding.

Dont be embarassed about doing the right thing for you and your child.

viva100 · 26/05/2015 16:30

This is him on his best behaviour, it will get much much worse after the wedding. Call it off! Nobody in a good, loving relationship feels this way before their wedding. Getting a divorce is a nightmare. It's long, expensive and emotionally draining. Forget about what you spent on the wedding - that's already spent and it has no bearing on the future. As to guests - the vast majority will feel only concern for you. I know it feels like people will hate you/gossip about you etc but most will just be worried for you. Think of yourself and your daughter here, calling off a wedding will be stressful but being married to this man will permanenlty damage your daughter. Cut your losses now!
I'm so, so sorry you're going through this

viva100 · 26/05/2015 16:31

And yes, absolutely reach out in RL to someone you trust and know will be helpful.

Skiptonlass · 26/05/2015 16:41

Call that friend - you know the one - the one who is a great organiser, the one who is sensible and supportive. That may be your mum, or your sister or a friend.

Tell them everything, get them to cancel a couple of the biggies (venue etc) then go from there. You need someone here who is able to handle phone calls and vendors.

If you do this, I guarantee you you'll be having people come up to you after with, " I'm so glad you called it off, I never really liked him, didn't want to say anything..."

motherinferior · 26/05/2015 16:42

DP was meant to be best man at his best mate's wedding. It was called off the previous week. Everyone could understand why (and it wasn't even a huge major thing - they just realised they couldn't face a lifetime together).

PinkTardis · 26/05/2015 16:45

I wish I'd called my wedding off exh wasn't abusive but I knew it was wrong , shit everyone knew it was wrong! My dad in the way to the church told me -'last chance pink, it's not to late to drive the opposite way'

10k and we didn't make it to the second wedding anniversary.

A year on, I'm divorced and with someone who may not be perfect but is perfect for me and my kids.

You don't deserve doubts or second best, follow your heart and don't think about other people- if anyone grumbles then that speaks volumes about them not you !

Good luck op

RandomFriend · 26/05/2015 16:46

It's dragging me down and making me depressed.

That isn't how you should feel, two days before a wedding.

Notthecarwashagain · 26/05/2015 16:49

So sorry you're going through this.
Agree with all the other replies, you need to do what's right for you and DD, and cancelling sounds absolutely the right thing to do.

I'm actually slightly envious (outrageous as it may sound to you!) that you still have the chance to back out, I didn't take mine, and went through with a wedding I knew wasn't right. Lots of heartache, stress and upheaval.

Wishing you all the best, whatever you do decide

motherinferior · 26/05/2015 16:53

YY to what Skiptonlass says. Two of them, if you need.

CiderwithBuda · 26/05/2015 16:59

Definitely call it off.

It will be hard for a few days but better a hard few days than a future with a man who you feel you hate and is so horrible to you and your Dd. Life is too short to go ahead with a wedding just because it's all booked and people are travelling etc.

caravanista13 · 26/05/2015 17:02

Such a difficult situation, but much better to call it off now than go ahead and go through all the trauma of separation and divorce later.

PacificDogwood · 26/05/2015 17:03

Is there anybody with you just now?
Or have you called that practical friend who can help with the practical arrangements?

You know you'll feel better once it's done.

Chrysanthemum5 · 26/05/2015 17:05

Please call it off if you really feel it's wrong. I went through with my first wedding because we had travelled back to our home country for it, but even as I said my vows I knew it was a mistake.

I really wish I'd had the courage to stop it all because it took another three years to get away, then two years to get divorced.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 26/05/2015 17:07

Also a bloke could be the nicest man ever to grace the planet. That doesn't mean he's the right one for you.
The very fact that you started this thread tells yourself that alarm bells are ringing very loudly and red flags are waving furiously.
Please please listen to them.
Do not worry about letting people down. They will find you admirable that you had the strength and courage to recognise that you knew what was right for you,

IggyStrop · 26/05/2015 17:09

Definitely what Sylvanian said. Normal people will feel very sorry for you and hope you are ok.

And yes, you might have a few days of turmoil but that's nothing compared to what you will face if you marry this man.

A friend of mine wanted to cancel her wedding the day before but didn't after telling her MIL, who convinced her to go through with it because guests were coming etc. I was her bridesmaid and I couldn't work out why she was so upset on the day. She just felt she couldn't tell me. Afterwards she told me it was the worst day of her life. They limped on for a year and then broke up.

Shakey1500 · 26/05/2015 17:28

Ye Gads yes call it off. Massive chances are you will look back and realise you made the best descision ever. Yes it might be messy, fraught,frantic for a week or so but compare that to potentially years of misery and an even messier divorce, then it's a no brainer. Good luck.

5madthings · 26/05/2015 17:28

Oh op I came on expecting you to just be nervous, but this is so much more than that.

Please done marry this man he is showing you who he is!

I am getting married on Thursday and yes I am nervous, but mainly I am excited, butterflies in my tummy etc, your wedding day should be a day you look forward to and treasure, not dread. Listen to your heart and run far far away. Your family and friends wouldn't want you to go through with it.

Xxc

ceecee32 · 26/05/2015 17:41

Please don't do it. I felt like this on my wedding day and spent the next 14 years trying to make it work with a verbally abusive bully. When I finally left he had taken away all of my confidence.

I always said that if anyone would have asked me on the morning of the wedding that if I was sure I was doing the right thing that I would have said no, but nobody asked so I went through with it. My mum said that she would never forgive herself for not asking.

Please listen to your gut feeling - they are always right

Reekypear · 26/05/2015 17:44

FFS no. Don't do it.

Joysmum · 26/05/2015 18:21

Damage limitation is needed. Any 'trouble' it causes now will be far less than the trouble of divorce.

Behaviour like his will tend to escalate too, not improve.

This is the top of the iceberg.

Please, call it off until you are sure.

upthehillanddown · 26/05/2015 18:24

Please dont do it. I did, and it took me 20 years to admit I should have called it off.

geekymommy · 26/05/2015 18:25

Anyone who gets upset about your calling off the wedding because you inconvenienced them or cost them some money is being unreasonable and selfish. They don't have an opinion worth listening to, in any case.

The money you have spent on the wedding is gone. You're not getting it back. Getting a divorce is going to cost more money. As far as I know (living in a different country, not divorced), they don't credit the money you spent on the wedding towards the expenses of the divorce.

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