Vague question

[KnockMeDown]

Sorry for the vague question, but I would be grateful if you could indulge me.

If you saw some photos of a man and a woman, in bathrobes at a spa, taken of each other, then close together in a spa pool, then a photo of their feet entwined in the spa pool, would you suspect that they were sleeping together, or were just mates?

Thank-you

[KnockMeDown]

There is very little chance that he would ever leave his iPad unattended again - this morning was a very rare occurrence, hence why I made such good use of it.

There is also little point in having an STI check - we haven't had sex in 6 years and that has been his choice not mine.

I think it was AnyFucker upthread who asked where my anger is. I think I feel like the frog in the cauldron of hot water which has been slowly heated up, so I have just become accustomed. I know I need to get angry, I just still feel like this is happening to someone else.

I do appreciate all your comments - they are helping me to start to see more clearly.

[AnyFucker]

The boiled frog just sits there and lets it all happen. Eventually little froggie explodes into a million pieces. Don't let that be you. At the moment, it seems like you are spectator in your own life. You can take control if you wish.

[withalittlebitofluck]

Op I'm sorry your husband has done this too you. Sounds like you have Been having a tough relationship. No sex for a long time. For what reason have you talked about it?

HIs 'friendship' is too much. I would not be happy if my husband had a picture like that, or if I wasn't on his face book. Take some time. See a solicitor then tell him you and the children are going on holiday to meet your 'make' friend. Kick him in the balls!

[withalittlebitofluck]

Male not make

[Only1scoop]

Awful Op I wouldn't be comfortable with any of this.

I'd be very uncomfortable even with the 'not normally letting his Passcoded ipad out of his sight' let alone bubbling away in spa with footsie pics with his 'friend'

So the no sex activity has gone on for years. Do you speak about any of this?

What do you want to do?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I'm so very sorry, Knock. This suggests very close - and frequent - intimacy; they're not 'just friends'.

It must be an absolute body blow for you. Your husband has planned and obviously enjoyed intimacy with another woman... but not you. You say that it's his choice, have you ever talked to him about this? Not that it matters now, why would you even want to bother but, did he ever have a reason for the lack of intimacy before he started cheating on you?

If I were in your position, this 50th event would be impossible for me. I just couldn't faux-celebrate with this man.

You've had some great advice regarding sorting out the mechanics of a possible separate and doing this after your child's exams. I think you wouldn't/couldn't have it any other way and I'd probably do the same.

Do you have friends you can confide in as RL support in the meantime?

I'm so sorry, Knock, really I am. :(

[withalittlebitofluck]

How are you today knock?

[KnockMeDown]

Today I am feeling completely unravelled and I don't know what to do . I came in from work, saw you asking how I am and now can't stop crying. Don't want DS to see. I want to confront him but don't want to spoil the weekend for the kids. And am stupidly worrying that haven't got him enough bits for his birthday. Just an absolute mess

[StaceyAndTracey]

It's ok to be a mess . Can you make some space for yourself by telling your family you have a tummy big and retreating to bed ?

[StaceyAndTracey]

Don't confront him, you need to get yourself in a better place first

Because he will just deny it and go on the attck , blaming you for snooping and being paranoid. Which you are not . There's no one person on this thread who thinks that there might be an innocent explanation . He's guilty as sin .

You don't need " proof "to leave him ( or rather get him to leave ) or divorce him . You need to book some counselling for yourself , get your paperwork together , see a solicitor and make your plans for aftre the GCSEs are finnished

Do you have a Rl friend who you can confide in ? .

[theaftermath]

I'm thinking of you today

[AnyFucker]

please don't do humiliating dance of pick me

[bunchoffives]

I agree, fake awful stomach bug and tell him to go with the dcs without you. There's no way you can pull off happy families in the circs.

Until the exams are over you need to focus on disengaging your emotions from him. Get your distance.

And see a solicitor.

[ISpeakJive]

If I was you, OP, I would take his sodding birthday cake and shove it up his arse!!!

Oh and light the candles whilst it's up there!!!

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

Do you have someone in rl you can confide in knock? I think if you told someone what you told us they would help you to get the anger you need to kick this sad tosser in to touch.

It seems so glaringly obvious to me that they are having an affair, but I know how things don't seem so straightforward when you are in the situation yourself.

Your dd will get over it, your ds will understand. He might even already have an idea. Teens are pretty canny imo.

Be kind to yourself. Maybe feign illness for this weekend so you don't have to put yourself through the charade. And start getting your exit plan together in your head.

All easier if you have an ally to help.

[withalittlebitofluck]

Oh knock. On one hand I want to tell you to pull yourself together-he has hurt you and to get your fight on but on the other hand I can guess your properly crying inside and out and that you need time to accept and to find out what you want to do now.

Maybe tell him you know. Tell him that you don't want to fight and that you want to celebrate the weekend for the children. Tell him calmly that he will be sleeping on the floor and giving you at least half a day on your own. Do it calmly no emotion and walk away. If he creates a scence, you go out take a walk whatever just to keep your cool. Have the weekend and the GCSEs then attack this. Be kind to yourself. This is not your fault x

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I really like this last paragraph from withalittlebitofluck... to me it's taking back control. You might feel absolutely blown apart by this treachery (and it IS) but you are stronger than you think because your first thoughts are always for your children. That is unbelievable strength being demonstrated right there.

How would it be, do you think, Knock if when the children were in bed you said to your husband... "I know what you did. Nothing you can say will take away those images or that pain you've caused me. You started this and I'm going to finish it. This is what is going to happen and you are going to co-operate, make no mistake about it..."

"Nothing will be happening until the GCSEs are over with - nothing. If you give any untoward sign that affects our children - you will be leaving the house that day. For now, you will be sleeping in the spare room and you will be doing your own washing, organising. Insofar as it would affect the children and worry them, we will eat as a family where possible and I will cook those meals. Other than that, you're on your own".

"As far as I'm concerned, your 50th means nothing to me. For the sake of our children, I will paste on a smile and we will play happy families for this last birthday. It's the last one we're going to be together."

"I don't care what you do now but you won't do it here. Show some respect finally and wait until you've left this house."

====

Perhaps that's just my fantasy. I really dislike your husband and I don't even know him, he's a louse to you.

I'm really hoping that you can get some friends around to support you and hold you, let you cry in peace and safety.

... and then get a bloody good solicitor.

[bunchoffives]

I think Lying's idea is bad. Never alert a cheating bastard that you're on to them until you have all your ducks lined up. It just gives them time to shaft you more - empty joint accounts, run up debts, get their story in with the family - whatever nasty bastard behaviour they can stoop to really.

Also much easier to pretend until after the GCSEs are over if your h doesn't know you know.

[freelanceconundrum]

I agree with feigning sickness this week. I'd go for migraine. Then get your ducks in a row. You don't know how the conversation with him will go so it's best to be a bit organised.

[withalittlebitofluck]

How are you knock? Did you go for his weekend away?

[theaftermath]

Are you ok OP?

[Pinklaydee1302]

What a wanker! OP get rid of this low life piece of dog sh*t

[KnockMeDown]

Just wanted to update. We did go away for the weekend. I didn't want to spoil things for the kids, and I guess there is a part of me still wishing it all isn't so.

And it was a good weekend - some lovely memories were made. DD snuggling with Daddy and then me in the spa pool (ironic, I know), at the leisure centre, even though she wasn't really meant to be in there. And then teaching herself to swim without her noodle, with just armbands. I was so proud of her!

And I was also watching and testing - playing a bit of a game, really. I noticed that when we had a chance to go in the spa pool without the kids, there was no cuddling up or anything like that. He is never passionate or intimate with me. I guess he is using up all that energy elsewhere. I'm so tired of this situation now, the difference in how he is with me and how it seems to be with her. How have I accepted for so long that they are just friends? I suppose I have always suspected, but have been looking for proof. Now I am questioning - is this enough proof?

And then this afternoon I made the mistake of looking at stupid f*ing FB! He liked what she posted on his wall for his birthday, but not what I wrote. I know that makes me sound like a stupid petty cow, but this is what I am reduced to. He never likes or comments on any post I tag him in - almost as if he doesn't people to associate us.

My plan is this - this week my priority is preparations for DD's birthday party, which takes place on Saturday. Then on Monday, I will be at home, kids will be at school, and we will talk.

[CitySnicker]

Crikey. You must be such a patient person. You've obviously thought hard about the timing. Well done for coping so well up to now.

[QuiteLikely5]

Op

Do you think he has told her the marriage is over, you don't have sex and he stays for the children?

Why is there no sex (without being too intrusive)?