Vague question

[KnockMeDown]

Sorry for the vague question, but I would be grateful if you could indulge me.

If you saw some photos of a man and a woman, in bathrobes at a spa, taken of each other, then close together in a spa pool, then a photo of their feet entwined in the spa pool, would you suspect that they were sleeping together, or were just mates?

Thank-you

[NameChange30]

Spa days are for couples, female relatives or friends. Very rarely could be a mixed gender group of friends.
But you DH and his "friend" are taking the piss. You already had your suspicions. Trust your instinct.

[Gilrack]

I'm additionally mystified by the Facebook thing - do you mean to say your husband has blocked you from his profile? Dear me :(

Spa day would strike me as a weird present, but not unthinkable depending on the characters involved. Bathrobes likewise; it's what you wear in a spa.

Cuddling up in the hot tub and winding limbs together - sexy. No two ways about it; sorry.

What do want to do, deep down? Accept your husband having a mistress, within defined parameters, or decide not to share your life with a person who doesn't share his with you?

[NRomanoff]

Jesus, my best friend is a man. Have been friends for years. My dh is happy with that, he would go batshit crazy at these photos. Not that I, or my friend, would even take photos like that.

Totally inappropriate. I would boot dh out too, if he took photos like this. Its very intimate.

[KnockMeDown]

Thank-you all for your responses. And apologies for the apparent drip-feeding. I have been suspicious for a while, but have been waiting for proof, and wasn't sure if this was it. And being constantly told I am unreasonable to be uncomfortable with this relationship hasn't helped with seeing the wood for the trees.

To answer some of the points above, this was a planned weekend away, for a specific music event, which was happening on the Sunday. They were due to be staying at our holiday house, which my husband has been doing up. He assured me, as ever, that he would be sleeping downstairs on the sofa. Before he left he checked that I was OK with him going. At this point I was.

He left on Saturday mid-morning, as he was also needing to a bit of work on the house. But the photos also show them having a lovely day out, so .

I didn't hear from him till a few texts in the evening, usual are you and kids ok type of thing. I texted first. Sunday morning he calls, and casually mentions, when I asked what he/they got up to the previous day, that she had, as a birthday surprise, arranged for him to have a massage at a local spa. He even said we would have to go there when we were next at the holiday house.

So they do their music thing on Sunday, back late so don't hear anything till Monday morning, he is hungover, returns later that day.

Evening and overnight he begins to feel unwell, virusy type thing, so takes himself off to bed early. He is also up very early and goes downstairs (this morning). Then comes up and brings me a tea, and goes back to bed and sleep, as is feeling really unwell. I think as a result of this, he does not realise he has left his iPad downstairs and logged in to his FB. Normally he doesn't let it out of his sight, and it is pass code locked, so not sure why it stayed open this time. But when I went down for breakfast, I saw it there, and thought it was too good an opportunity to miss, to check out what was happening. The first thing I saw was a message from her to say that the photos were up, but only visible to them both. So I had a look. So it seems that the Spa thing involved robes, spa bath, as previously mentioned, also dinner with bubbly - not sure who paid for this bit, and lots of photos of the meal and food , and of their day out. The message also said thanks for the weekend - lovely as ever x

He always minimises, says they are just friends, gives me the barest of details. I need to get my thoughts straight, of how and when to confront.

LTB is as ever easier said than done - we have a 16 yr old DS with ASD, in the middle of GCSE exams, and a 5 yr old DD, who worships her Daddy .

We're meant to be having a lovely weekend away as a family this weekend, for his birthday, and I have cooked him his favourite meal to take with us.

Sorry about the length of this post - filling in the gaps. Does help to get it down.

[theaftermath]

I don't think you are at all unreasonable to be uncomfortable with this relationship. All seems faaaaar too intimate for a friendship.

I would confront him, call his bluff and say you know what's been going on as someone you know saw them kissing at the hotel... Or call the hotel and find out how many rooms they had.

Only you can decide if you are comfortable in your relationship but if it were me I'd be hitting the roof.

Ps. My 5 y/I worships his daddy but that is still possible even when you don't live together. Don't stay for the kids. No one will thank you for it.

Thinking of you

[Quitelikely]

Oh dear. It's definitely not looking good. Does her husband know she goes away with your dh?

Also are you certain she hasn't been joining him when he has been going to the holiday home to carry out works?

[oute]

Sorry knock me down but he's lieing to you, been in this situation sadly. Look after yourself. You need to ask him to leave so you can gather yourself. Forget about his 50th he doesn't deserve it..

[Cabrinha]

My 6yo thinks the sun shines out of her dad's (cheating) arse.
That's because she can't judge character yet.
But it's fine - I'm happy for her to chat about how wonderful he is - when she's in MY house without my having to live with the cheating scumshit any more.

I'd bin that favourite dinner for a start. Leave him guessing.
You could tell to have a birthday weekend with the kids, cos a bloke at work just gave you a spa voucher cos his girlfriend couldn't make it to go with him?

Then, once GCSEs are over and you've had time to gather your thoughts and see a solicitor, leave him. You don't even need to talk to him about him. Just tell him you're done. I knew you were going to say he'd cheated before.

[crje]

Don't stay for the kids

He is being a pig .
Go with your head held high,

[SugarOnTop]

so the only people who can see the photos are him and her? not their spouses/friends/family?

he's lying. he slept with her. probably not the first time either given the 'lovely as ever' comment - how often do they spend time alone?

tell him you know he's cheating and you're not going to believe his lies. let him sulk, he knows what buttons to press with you and how to play you to get you to 'back down' - so don't give in to that again.

[mix56]

They are having an emotional affair at the very least.
He is posting this on fb...for the world to see, but you are not "friends"...
Sorry, tell him to sod off for his 50th jaunt, no way you will enjoy it. pointless.

[YellowTulips]

Did you take a photo of the FB pictures with your phone?

Upshot is they are having an affair.

Up to you what you do next. You can pretend it's not happening or go see a solicitor, find out your rights and give him the 50th present the bugger deserves - divorce papers.

[NameChange30]

I'm sorry to say it OP but your "D"H is a cheating, lying bastard. He clearly had a nice romantic weekend with his mistress, right under your nose. The fact that he "never lets his iPad out of his sight" and keeps it locked is a red flag in itself.
How many times has he gone to the holiday cottage to "do work on it" without you? What else does he do with this "friend", and how often? I bet the stuff you know about is just the tip of the iceberg.
It seems obvious really but it sounds like he has been minimising it all, and lying, and you probably wanted to believe him (understandably). I think even if you confront him with what you've found, he is likely to keep lying about it. Is there any way you could get hold of his iPad or phone again to check the FB messages, texts, emails etc? If so I suggest you take screenshots and send them to yourself. Gather the evidence.
You might not feel ready to split up with him just yet, but in the circumstances you probably need some space to get your head around things. Could you ask him to go and stay somewhere else for a bit? Does he have family or a friend he could stay with? (NOT HER obviously!)
I also suggest you see a solicitor to get some advice even if you don't act on it just yet - it might be reassuring to know what the process is, and what your rights are, if and when you're ready to divorce his ass. (Which I think you should do, obviously! )
I would also tell her husband about the affair but I'm like that I'm sure others would advise you to keep well out of that (and they would probably be right).

[NameChange30]

Oh and I forgot to say CALL OFF THE BIRTHDAY WEEKEND! Or just take the kids without him!
Return his presents or just burn them and throw away the meal, he doesn't deserve any of it.

[AnyFucker]

lovely as ever ?

so this isn't the first time they have been on a romantic mini break together to your holiday home then ?

where is your anger, love ? You seem curiously calm and detached

[CitySnicker]

Reset his profile picture (one of the pair of them in robes) and change his relationship status (it's complicated) then go on holiday by yourself.

[bjrce]

Don't be worrying about his Birthday and the big planned weekend.
If you have it in you, Get a friend ,your best friend whatever and take her on the weekend with you, leave the kids at home with him.

Don't attempt to let him off on the weekend on his own, he'd probably just take his "Mate" with him.
Let him explain to whomever the birthday is off.

Go off on your own with your friend, fuck him and his 50th, he doesn't deserve anything,
they must have been laughing at you.

Tell him you took snap shots of the photos and are sending them to her H, see how he reacts, that will tell you everything.

Take care of yourself, it is a terrible thing to have to discover this.

[NameChange30]

CitySnicker
"Reset his profile picture (one of the pair of them in robes) and change his relationship status (it's complicated) then go on holiday"
bjrce
"Get a friend ,your best friend whatever and take her on the weekend with you, leave the kids at home with him."

Excellent suggestions, do this!
Agree also that they must have been laughing about you and how they've been getting away with it.
Take care OP.

[Handywoman]

CitySnicker has it for me.

[Melonfool]

Next time he leaves his ipad unattended, change the password and refuse to tell him it. Then you can peruse it at your heart's content.

I wouldn't do anything on fb myself, I think it's undignified to get into public spats.

[CitySnicker]

It's only undignified if YOU do it to his account. If HE does it and is too drunk to remember, he's the ass. Practise your shocked face.

[Melonfool]

But you are suggesting she does it?

Personally, I would maintain my dignity and allow myself to have some self-respect - just because he doesn't respect me doesn't mean I shouldn't respect myself. I wouldn't want anyone else to see it all in 'public' like that.

[NameChange30]

You're probably right that it would be best not to do anything public on Facebook.
But the OP has nothing to be ashamed of, if people do find out about the affair.
The "D"H and his "friend" are the only people with anything to be ashamed of.

[magoria]

If you can hold out until DD her exams then do so. It is only a few more weeks right?

In the meantime get your ducks all lined up.

All paperwork you will need. See a solicitor about where you will stand.

And a complete STI check up.

[CitySnicker]

I'm fantasising about the perfect revenge for the OPs excuse for a husband. It would be delicious. But I doubt very much I would do it either melon ...sigh.
It's the fact that the husband is hiding this one in plain sight and convincing the OP that he is doing absolutely nothing wrong. Bet he wouldn't want those pictures spread all over his FB page tho would he? It would show him up for what he really is.