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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think DP doesn't love me any more

110 replies

Dumpylump · 26/05/2015 08:16

He says he does, and he's says it will be fine. But I don't think I believe him and it's breaking my heart.
We've been together for six years, have two children each - none together, and although we've had ups and downs, I thought this was it for ever.
Lately he's been distant, doesn't ever initiate any kind of physical contact (not even a hug), and just doesn't seem interested in spending any time with me.
I've tried to talk to him about it but he either starts going over old fights we've had in the past, about stuff I thought was long ago resolved, or just says he doesn't want to fight and is too tired to talk about things.
I don't want to fight either, but I want to save our relationship, we used to be so close, and now I feel alone.
We've got a holiday booked with the dcs in the summer, and I can't help feeling that he's just waiting til that's done and then he's going to leave. I can't sleep, and have a permanent knot in my stomach.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 26/05/2015 08:46

I agree that something is up. It's telling that he brings up old arguments.

You should pay attention to this because it sounds like he is harbouring resentment and although the issues are solved for you they clearly aren't for him.

Maybe suggest cancelling the holiday and see what he says?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/05/2015 09:14

He needs to be completely honest with you and he is not doing that.

When did you start to properly notice such changes in him?.
Dragging up past arguments is also telling; do you think that he could possibly have met someone else?.

Do not let yourself fall into the "sunken costs fallacy" here re relationships.
You cannot save what is now really a failing relationship on your own I am sorry to say. He is also not doing anything re properly addressing the issues in your relationship.

Original poster
Dumpylump · 26/05/2015 09:15

I did, and he said that it would be really stupid, it's all paid for and the dcs are really looking forward to it.
It's a "big" holiday not just a few days away in this country....and the dcs would be really upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dumpylump · 26/05/2015 09:19

I've asked him if there's someone else and he says not. Going by what I read on here he isn't doing the sneaking about and phone guarding, so I don't think he is.
He isn't being nasty, he just seems completely disconnected from me.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 26/05/2015 09:34

I think you should decide on what basis you are willing to continue in the relationship. You certainly can't carry on like this.
You say that you want to save the relationship, but you can't do that on your own. I would be telling him, "Look, our relationship is not good at the moment and at this rate we won't be together come August. We need to do X and Y or I'm afraid we need to think about how best to separate".

For X and Y I'm thinking about "conversations about the present and not the past" and relationship counselling.

Original poster
Dumpylump · 26/05/2015 09:38

I wondered about counselling, I have said to him how worried and sad I am about things just now - he says he's just tired, doesn't have time to himself and can't see where we're going.
I'm going to ask if he'd come to counselling.

OP posts:
Truckingalong · 26/05/2015 09:38

Sounds like the beginning of the end I'm afraid. I would start trying to strengthen your life outside of him. Make yourself busy in meaningful stuff - friends, hobbies, work. That way, if the worse does happen, you won't feel quite so at sea. It's shit isn't it though - such an awful feeling and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 09:47

I think you need to set some firm "ultimatums".

Original poster
Dumpylump · 26/05/2015 10:23

Ultimatums? Like what? I can't force him to change how he feels, can I?
I just wish it wasn't pulling my heart out of my body and crushing it.
I lost dh 11 years ago, and thought I'd never be happy again, then I met dp and I figured this was it, he was the one...my lobster!
I'm 50 in a few weeks, too old to start again...and anyway, I don't want to, I want to be with dp.

OP posts:
Muddlewitch · 26/05/2015 10:28

How is he with other things OP? The DC and friends, family etc? Is it just you he is distancing himself from or does he seem to be withdrawing from life generally?

lotsofcheese · 26/05/2015 10:31

I really feel for you. Maybe he thinks he's protecting your feelings by not being honest? Could he be depressed? Or could he be paving the way for leaving/someone else but not ready to go yet?

I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me, and whose heart wasn't in it. I'd be making plans for my future without him in that scenario.

Finola1step · 26/05/2015 10:33

I second Muddlewitch thoughts. Is he withdrawing from other people too? Is there no.enjoyment in activities previously enjoyed? Is everything too much effort for him?
If so, a trip to the GP is in order.

Original poster
Dumpylump · 26/05/2015 10:38

He's been v grumpy with his dd - she's 14 and very teenagery and dramatic at the moment, and I don't think he understands her. They had a huge barney last night, but it's ok now, I think.
He seems fine with friends, but then, so do I. I haven't discussed this in rl with anyone.

OP posts:
TallulahFallula · 26/05/2015 10:42

All the dragging up of past fights seems indicative of someone trying to rewrite history - which is typical of someone having an affair.

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 10:50

Ultimatums? Like what? I can't force him to change how he feels, can I?

This is why I wrote it in speech marks. You can't force him to change, but you can say, "Look either we attend Relate or we start separating". You sound so unhappy that it's making you ill.

This comment however,

I'm 50 in a few weeks, too old to start again...and anyway, I don't want to, I want to be with dp.

Makes me think that you'd rather stay with him on whatever unhappy terms.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/05/2015 10:55

You are NOT too old to start again.
Blimey, you've probably just made 1000's of people give up the will to live with that comment.

You still have plenty of time so go out there and find someone who wants you.
This guy doesn't.

Original poster
Dumpylump · 26/05/2015 13:41

Vivacia that's probably true. I love him, and I don't want to lose him. Maybe I'll feel differently if things Carrey on like this, but I'm still hoping we can weather the storm.
I feel too old to start again, that doesn't mean everybody else should. It's just how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dumpylump · 26/05/2015 13:42

*carry

OP posts:
KatharineClifton · 26/05/2015 14:04

Sounds like he is depressed tbh. How is his mental health?

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 17:53

Dumpy if that's where you are, that's where you are. But it does really seem to be making you unhappy. Unhappy to the point that it's affecting your health.

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 17:54

I too thought "depression" but didn't want to "diagnose". It's ok to say, "I think you might be depressed. You need to go to the doctor, if not for your own health then for the sake of our relationship".

WhatsGoingOnEh · 26/05/2015 18:07

You can fix this, but you need to take a COMPLETELY different tack.

Listen to what he's saying: "he says he's just tired, doesn't have time to himself and can't see where we're going."

Give him what he wants -- start going out more without him in the evenings (so he has time to himself). Give him a LOT of time to himself. Take the DC away for the weekend. Start going to the gym at night. Start a new hobby. Start looking after your appearance, and stop initiating ANY "tawks" (a Tawk is emotional, depressing and heavy) about the relationship.

Always be busy - always be coming and going. Don't hang out with him. If he watches TV at night, vanish upstairs into a bath with a good book. Ring your friends more. Turn your focus completely outside the relationship.

NO COUNSELLING. I'm serious, it's not appropriate here. He'll hate it and it'll only be his bringing up past issues and destroying your confidence.

Basically, turn yourself back into the woman that he first met. Independent, busy, sometimes unavailable. Not your current persona - worried, clingey, emotional, pessimistic. It's a sad fact of life that we all want people who appear not to want us that much. Look how precious your DP has become to you since he's started backing off -- it's the old story.

You can completely regain his interest (if you still want it) but it'll require living a lie for a few months, in a way. But I'd say you have nothing to lose.

It'll either give him the space he needs yo realise how much he loves you, or it'll mean the last few months of your relationship consist of you being fabulous and feisty and dignified, not following him round suggesting counselling.

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 19:24

You can completely regain his interest (if you still want it) but it'll require living a lie for a few months, in a way. But I'd say you have nothing to lose.

Nothing but your integrity! Sounds like game-playing Sad

LaBette001 · 26/05/2015 19:34

So that it's not game playing and you both know where you stand, you could do as What's suggests above but preface with:

"Ok you know I'm worried, I'm not going to repeat myself. I love you and I have listened to you and what you've asked for is a bit more space and rest, so I'm going to give then to you. Let's reassess in a x months how were both feeling..." Then do as What's suggests.

You don't have anything to lose and he might well be telling you loud and clear what he needs from you.

Good luck - you can do it Star

Original poster
Dumpylump · 26/05/2015 20:58

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me, I have to say that what WhatsGoingOnEh said did resonate.
I feel scared, and shaky, and insecure....and that is definitely not the person I was when we first got together.
I hear what Vivacia is saying about game playing, but if I do as LaBette001 suggests, then I've made it clear what's happening. As someone else up thread said, either way, I'll be making myself stronger.

OP posts: