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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think DP doesn't love me any more

110 replies

Dumpylump · 26/05/2015 08:16

He says he does, and he's says it will be fine. But I don't think I believe him and it's breaking my heart.
We've been together for six years, have two children each - none together, and although we've had ups and downs, I thought this was it for ever.
Lately he's been distant, doesn't ever initiate any kind of physical contact (not even a hug), and just doesn't seem interested in spending any time with me.
I've tried to talk to him about it but he either starts going over old fights we've had in the past, about stuff I thought was long ago resolved, or just says he doesn't want to fight and is too tired to talk about things.
I don't want to fight either, but I want to save our relationship, we used to be so close, and now I feel alone.
We've got a holiday booked with the dcs in the summer, and I can't help feeling that he's just waiting til that's done and then he's going to leave. I can't sleep, and have a permanent knot in my stomach.

OP posts:
Ejzuudjej · 01/07/2015 14:49

What an awful betrayal.
Take your time. There is NO NEED at all for you to make a decision now, no matter how much he pushes you for one.
I too think you should go on your holiday without him. Get some space from it all. Can you take a friend instead? Or just your children?

He has done a terrible thing to you and you are more than likely to be in shock.
You deserve so much better than this slimy behaviour.

namechangenorah · 01/07/2015 14:57

Sorry, posted before I saw what you wrote about the OW. Very sorry you're going through this.

This very clearly explains his behaviour.

Seconding (thirding) the suggestion to go on holiday without him.

Then come home and have a major rethink of your life.

Best of luck.

bjrce · 01/07/2015 15:23

Actually, looking at your thread in detail, would it be the case, as both of you have two DC each, all the DC would be going on holiday with you.
Sorry, don't think I would be tolerating this. I'd go on holiday with my own DC.
Do you both own the house jointly or is it yours, if its yours only, I would be asking him to leave, take his DC with him, and change the locks, see how much the only wants him then. Although as you're together 6 years, you probably own the house together.
I get the feeling you are in such shock at the moment, he doesn't really realize the extend of the hurt he has caused. He seems to be going about his life as normal. I would be asking him to move out for the time being, stop worrying about the holiday, go on it with your own kids. Stop carrying the burden for everyone.

Milllii · 01/07/2015 15:29

Sorry to hear abou OW but from everything you posted it was obvious there was one. What's advice/AKA " The Rules" still stands IF you decide you want him back. I read the book and saw it,as very empowering to women to avoid ever having to go through such crap in the first place.

pocketsaviour · 01/07/2015 15:34

So sorry to hear this OP.

I would also second going on the holiday without him, but with your own kids. And if his DCs are disappointed, that's his problem.

Is there a close friend in RL or a family member you can talk to, to get some RL support at the moment? Flowers

Fabellini · 01/07/2015 15:41

His younger dd is meant to be coming on the holiday - how can I take it away from her? She's so excited, and it's not her fault.
He has texted that he's sorry, and he loves me......my head is spinning, and I still feel so sick. I have no idea what to do.

pocketsaviour · 01/07/2015 15:59

No, it's not her fault, but it's not your fault that her dad is a massive cunt.

If you feel capable, you could take all the kids, I suppose? But definitely don't take him with you. Not unless you're planning on pushing him out of the emergency exit

He's been sleeping with someone else. Someone you thought was a friend. Not only that, but the whole time it's been going on he's been treating you like shit.

Funny how cheaters are only sorry once they get caught.

Fearless91 · 01/07/2015 16:25

Oh OP I'm so sorry Sad what an arsehole.

I'm going to say that I think you and the DC's should still go away without him but personally if I was in your position I couldn't go. I think it would make me feel worse.

Obviously you won't have made a decision yet but If you eventually decide to stay with him I hope you do so because it's the right decision, not because you think you're too old to start again. Because you're not.

Hugs Flowers

JohnFarleysRuskin · 01/07/2015 16:27

He had an affair with your friend and has been treating you like shit.

Please don't reward him with a shag and a lovely holiday.

Flowers this must be horrid for you op.

bjrce · 01/07/2015 17:17

Let him worry about his DD, his saying I love you is in desperation to sort things out quickly before the holiday, and don't think he hasn't been in contact with the ow also. Judging from her responce, it does seem like she has no problem dropping you as a friend and has plans with him after the holiday, he is probably only thinking of his kids right now. Funny how he is so sorry once he was caught out.

I agree with JFR, he has treated you v badly for some time now, start thinking of yourself and your DC.
You need to get tough with him. Don't be a fool again for him. He has let you all down badly. Let him face the consequences for this.

flanjabelle · 01/07/2015 17:31

Oh op. What a cunt. You don't deserve this at all. Please move on and find someone who will treat you with so much more respect. please don't resign yourself to life with this twat. You are not too old, you have so much more happiness to find yet.

blendedfamilygrinch · 01/07/2015 18:23

Depending on your relationship with his younger dd, take her with your dc on holiday without him.
Have a fab time & treat yourself while you are there.
He will hopefully spend the time miserable & arguing with his elder dd.
Once you're back, you can decide what you want to do with him.
[Flowers]

Fabellini · 01/07/2015 19:42

Thank you all for being so supportive. I'm still just flailing around here. I so desperately want to believe him, pretend none of this has happened, be the strong, funny happy person he met in the first place....but I can't. I just keep crying, it's bloody pathetic!

derxa · 01/07/2015 19:58

Stop crying darling. I know you have been let down by 2 cunts but don't let them see it.
Flowers

bjrce · 01/07/2015 20:36

You are not pathetic, you have just been let down so badly by someone you thought you could trust. Its extremely difficult to think straight under those conditions.
You will be OK, its just the added pressure of this holiday that's making everything difficult for you and the thoughts of letting the DC down.
You haven't mentioned anyone in RL that you could go and talk to, is there anyone for you. If there is please go and speak to them, don't feel embarresed that you don't want people to know, you haven't done anything wrong.

Fabellini · 01/07/2015 21:05

I feel as if I say it out loud it's going to be too real. I've texted my dsis, and she's saying pretty much what all of you have, but she's over 100 miles away. I just want someone to give me a cuddle.

something2say · 01/07/2015 21:13

A www sweetie I'm so sorry, massive cuddle. What a disappointment. Xxx so sorry xxx

AreYouSupposedToBeInIowa · 01/07/2015 21:52

Lose shred his passport and go without him. Only half joking!

Back off and see if he does any running now. If he does not, bin him. Do not give him or her the pleasure of you getting dumped.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/07/2015 22:09

Oh heck OP - I could cry for you.

So he's tteated you like shit, cheated on you, and now he's minimisng it all

What an absolute twat.

And as for her...well...don't waste any more brain space on her. She's showed her true colours

Go on holiday with all the kids. Get away from it all. Think. Don't think. Just be.

You will be OK OP. I promise Thanks

Fabellini · 03/07/2015 07:43

The last few days have been awful, I've felt sick al the time, haven't been able to stop crying - even while wandering round the 24 hour supermarket trying to remember what I needed to buy - it's a wonder nobody called an ambulance! I've barely slept.....and I'm trying to act like nothing's wrong in front of my boys and dps dd - she is the most perceptive, and is far more likely to notice, but she's been staying at her mums for the last few nights because obviously, she won't be going to see her when were all away on our lovely once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Confused
Dp and I have talked, and talked. He's told me over and over again how it was a mistake, he's sorry, he loves me and he wants us to stay together. It's what I want to hear, and yet...... he denies that there was anything physical, won't even admit to kissing her, says it was just messaging, and one visit for coffee. I just can't believe that the messages I read were between two people who never even kissed, they were far too lovey dovey, and covered in those heart emojis.
I've told him about how utterly betrayed I feel - she had been my friend for years, she saw how broken and grief stricken I was when we lost dh, but was still quite happy to potentially cause similar heartbreak now.
He has been popping in randomly during the day to see me from work, he rang me yesterday morning, and although we were having a surface "normal" conversation, he heard my voice break as I said bye and hung up, and texted me "are you ok?". I said not really, I just want someone to hug me and not let go, and tell me it'll be alright. He came round straight away, to try and do just that. Obviously, I cried all over him, I seem to have lost all self control in that regard.

Ejzuudjej · 03/07/2015 08:07

Oh OP Sad. This is awful.
Can you talk to someone else rather than him? He is not exactly impartial and he is not going to give you honest advice.
I am so sorry for what you are going through after everything you have already been through.
Your former 'friend' is a bitch of the highest order.
Please listen to your gut instinct about the physical contact though. I agree that sadly the messages point to a higher level of intimacy than he is currently admitting to.

Fabellini · 03/07/2015 08:56

I have spoken to one of my friends now, she was away with work when this all happened, but I texted her and she came round as soon as she could when she got home yesterday afternoon.
She reckons that he's made a massive mistake, but that if we both want to stay together then it doesn't necessarily have to be the end. She said that he must understand that I need him to be completely honest though, and while he wants to minimise it, in the mistaken belief that it's easier for me (and him), in fact, its better to know everything as I'm imagining the worst anyway.
She said "friend" is cow bag of the highest order, but to block and delete her on fb etc, and then forget her very existence - she's now irrelevant.
She also said that he can't get irritated with me if I keep crying and getting upset - he has caused it, and he just needs to deal with the fall out as sensitively as possible.
She knows how much I love him, and she knows I don't want to lose him, so she's trying to help me as constructively as she can. She said maybe not to tell anybody else in rl because if we did manage to work things through, it would be far easier to be normal with other friends if we weren't imagining their judging any time we were with them.
I've decided to go on holiday, to be honest, I couldn't think of anything worse than going without him, and he has promised that by the end of it, we will be better.
Lovely friend went home and told her dh what had happened, he just shook his head and said "stupid bastard". Dp asked what they said, and when I told him he replied, "he's right, I am". I think he's going to go and see them himself this evening, they've been good friends of both of us for a while, and I think it might help if he does.

Ejzuudjej · 03/07/2015 10:58

I'm glad you have support around you.
Just remember that whatever you are feeling is normal, and you do not have to keep to his time schedule. You've been let down by someone you trusted and it will take time AND actions to get over it.
I wish you happiness - with him or without him. I think it is a great reflection on your character that at this time you are still considerate of the feelings of his daughter. Flowers You are a catch and he is very, very lucky you are willing to consider taking him back.

Milllii · 03/07/2015 12:15

Sorry Fab. I would believe he is definitely minimizing . Has he now given you free access to his phone? Are you convinced he is not in touch with her? At the moment he may say anything to convince you he wants to be with you but be prepared for more to come. It may not but be aware.

Jackw · 03/07/2015 13:38

You should both read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Your H says that things will be better by the end of your holiday. I think he needs to understand that things are not going to be fixed that quickly or easily.

If you really feel that you must go away for the sake of the family, I would strongly suggest for the sake of your self-esteem and self-worth, that you do not have sex with him. He needs to back right off and give you space to work through your feelings without him putting pressure on you to forgive him immediately.

When you get back, you might want to think about some counselling, but please read the book first as counsellors tend to want to be even handed and suggest that you both need to make changes whereas what you both need to realise right now is that he has a lot of repair work to do if he wants you to stay with him.