I think DP doesn't love me any more

[Dumpylump]

He says he does, and he's says it will be fine. But I don't think I believe him and it's breaking my heart.
We've been together for six years, have two children each - none together, and although we've had ups and downs, I thought this was it for ever.
Lately he's been distant, doesn't ever initiate any kind of physical contact (not even a hug), and just doesn't seem interested in spending any time with me.
I've tried to talk to him about it but he either starts going over old fights we've had in the past, about stuff I thought was long ago resolved, or just says he doesn't want to fight and is too tired to talk about things.
I don't want to fight either, but I want to save our relationship, we used to be so close, and now I feel alone.
We've got a holiday booked with the dcs in the summer, and I can't help feeling that he's just waiting til that's done and then he's going to leave. I can't sleep, and have a permanent knot in my stomach.

That sounds like a pretty reasonable solution; I think you will begin to feel a bit better when you start to take control, rather than him having all the power.

But do check if he is depressed; it puts a different angle on things.

I feel scared, and shaky, and insecure....and that is definitely not the person I was when we first got together.

So... What did you used to do when you first met? I mean, you as a person (not as a couple). What were your hobbies then? Where did you used to go when you weren't seeing him? How did you spend your evenings? What books did you use to read? What did you wear?

All those things hold the keys to the REAL you, the single you, the independent you, the fabulous "I don't need a man!" you. That's the You you need to find again! She was awesome, and SHE LIVED A WONDERFUL LIFE WITHOUT THIS BLOKE IN IT. When you reconnect with her, you'll feel SO much better, and you'll be in a position to make a choice about your DP from a position of strength and confidence. Not from a position of feeling old and too frumpy/wrinkled/tired/worn-out to find anyone new, etc.

The real You is currently slapping the current You around the head every time you initiate another Tawk or another unreturned cuddle. The real You misses you and cant wait to start living her own fab life again.

Please, from tomorrow, start being the real You again. Get up in the morning and dress like her. Eat breakfast like her, plan your day like Her.

Let your DP do as he pleases, he is currently not your concern. If he's having boring old doubts, let him get on with them - don't bother your awesome head about someone so indecisive. You go reconnect with all your Real You's friends, the ones who know how brilliant you are to have around.

I genuinely hope he isn't clinically depressed, as if he is Whats advice and attitude are about as bad and harmful as I've ever heard.

If he is depressed and you care for him, he needs support and understanding, but he also needs to seek out help. Never forget to look after your own health too.

I genuinely hope he isn't clinically depressed, as if he is Whats advice and attitude are about as bad and harmful as I've ever heard.

Why, exactly? All I said was that the OP should see her own friends more, remember her own interests and stop following her DP around, suggesting counselling. I didn't say chuck him.

In fact, the OP sounds pretty bloody depressed about this situation herself. I'd say your comment about "never forget to look after your own health too" chimes with my advice very well. What do YOU suggest she does? Keep trudging round behind him while he maintains he doesn't know where this relationship is going? Should she suggest an agonising date night, so they can sit silently around a dinner table while his face implies he'd rather be anywhere else?

If he has depression (which we don't know; in fact, none of his other behaviour suggests depression at all), what should the OP do?

Unfortunately his behaviour sounds precisely like depression - disconnection, tiredness, irritability, lack of motivation, withdrawal.

Your advice would make sense if he was purposefully being cruel, but you don't know this either. If he is suffering, then the attitude you propose - that he is no longer the OP's problem, that his doubts are 'boring' - would only confirm horrendously negative feelings.

OP - the only way to be sure is to try and discuss it. You are clearly at your wit's end, so you should definitely be taking care of yourself with social activities, interests, and above all talking to people, but if he is suffering and there is no outside explanation then he needs support.

Hi. Your OP was pretty much the same for me since my daughter was born. Suddenly he wasn't interested in me any more. I stuck it out for two years as I was terrified of being alone and I really loved him. We've been apart since February.

When I left him, I felt exactly as you do - scared, shaky and insecure. It was exactly how I felt when my previous fiance died. So, I identified the feelings as states of grief, specifically loss.

They went away after a while. We are in contact because of our daughter and those feelings resurface whenever I find out he is seeing someone new. All over again, the shaky, swirling, fidgety anxiety feeling comes back. I can't really counsel myself but I'm guessing deep down inside I still love him and I want to be with him, but he is not at all interested.

You are feeling a sense of grief, for what you used to have. You are afraid of losing him and not being sure of the cause of the problem you don't know what to do about it.

When my ex started being this way he was diagnosed with depression and started medication. Unfortunately it just made him numb to most emotions and he completely lost his sex drive. I'm saying this because I don't want you to think fixing the depression will fix your relationship, but it probably would help you to be a little more sure of what is going on.

I don't see anything harmful in Whatsgoingoneh's advice. The OP is the one posting, not this man, she needs support and Whats gave it - good support too.

Disagree if you want to, HFarnsworth, but don't pick posters apart for their advice, it's nobody's place to do that. You don't know if this man is depressed or whether there's something else going on anyway.

Too many armchair psychologists on tonight...

Anyway, onto the OP... DumpyLump (that is a TERRIBLE name btw... is that indicative of how you feel about yourself?) :(

You can't change how this man feels; he thinks what he thinks and feels what he feels. He doesn't get to drag you around in the morass of his doings though. You're in charge of yourself and you have your own children to think of.

My advice to you is two-fold; 'plan for the best, prepare for the worst'. This means that you:

1. Start working on yourself; your esteem, what things you like doing. Give him the space that he's after and use that time to make yourself happy. The gym is a very good place to start, all those endorphins and you might make some nice friends there. Be genuinely too busy to engage with nonsense at home and start doing things with your children, take them out and generally have fun with them.

1. Prepare your 'war chest'; it is nothing more than getting yourself ready 'just in case' the worst happens. For you, that's your partner deigning not to love you anymore. Face it whilst it's NOT happening/confirmed and it will be easier. Get everything in place that should this happening actually come to pass, you are free to move out, split things down the middle, have money in hand and readily available for you and your children, etc.

Do you have friends/family you can talk to?
Do you work?
Do you fancy changing/starting a career in something you've always been interested in?
Do you think some counselling for you - and only YOU - would be helpful? Just to have your thoughts and feelings validated?

This man is not the be all and end all of your life... if anybody is, it's your children. Let them see that no partner has the right to make you/their lives miserable.

If you think he's waiting for the holiday to come and go before ending it then face that - and decide whether you will do the job for him. It might shake him out of his reverie to see that you mean business and also it will stop being a sword hanging over your head. You deserve better than that, much, much better.

Anyway, onto the OP... DumpyLump (that is a TERRIBLE name btw... is that indicative of how you feel about yourself?) :(

You can't change how this man feels; he thinks what he thinks and feels what he feels. He doesn't get to drag you around in the morass of his doings though. You're in charge of yourself and you have your own children to think of.

My advice to you is two-fold; 'plan for the best, prepare for the worst'. This means that you:

1. Start working on yourself; your esteem, what things you like doing. Give him the space that he's after and use that time to make yourself happy. The gym is a very good place to start, all those endorphins and you might make some nice friends there. Be genuinely too busy to engage with nonsense at home and start doing things with your children, take them out and generally have fun with them.

1. Prepare your 'war chest'; it is nothing more than getting yourself ready 'just in case' the worst happens. For you, that's your partner deigning not to love you anymore. Face it whilst it's NOT happening/confirmed and it will be easier. Get everything in place that should this happening actually come to pass, you are free to move out, split things down the middle, have money in hand and readily available for you and your children, etc.

Do you have friends/family you can talk to?
Do you work?
Do you fancy changing/starting a career in something you've always been interested in?
Do you think some counselling for you - and only YOU - would be helpful? Just to have your thoughts and feelings validated?

This man is not the be all and end all of your life... if anybody is, it's your children. Let them see that no partner has the right to make you/their lives miserable.

If you think he's waiting for the holiday to come and go before ending it then face that - and decide whether you will do the job for him. It might shake him out of his reverie to see that you mean business and also it will stop being a sword hanging over your head. You deserve better than that, much, much better.

Relation'ships' may hit the doldrums and appear to be going nowhere, but this doesn't necessarily mean they're on the rocks.

Use LaBette's preface and follow the excellent advice given by WGOE which, as I see it, is far from 'game-playing' or 'living a lie' - it's about reclaiming your dignity and investing in yourself which will stand you in good stead if your worst fears are realised.

Instead of wringing your hands and moping around and over him, fill your life with activities so that if he says he's leaving you can look up from whatever pursuit you're engaged in and enquire in an indifferent tone as to whether he'll need any help packing.

Look forward to that big holiday and resolve that, no matter what may come after, you and the dcs are going to have a whale of a time.

And do please change your name, honey! How about 'CurvaceousCutie' or 'VoluptuousVixen'?

PS Don't you know that 50 is the new 30?

Lying

If you read the OP's first post she says she wants to save the relationship - the advice so far is basically to leave her DP twisting in the wind.

None of us know any more about his motives or the background to this than anyone else, save the Op, but to utterly dismiss your DPs feelings as 'boring' or a 'morass' seems heartless if he is suffering.

OP - you said you would suggest counselling. I think that's a good approach and I hope you get some sense from him one way or the other, and you can sort this out for both of you.

HFarnsworth -- My calling the DP's doubts "boring" was a way of minimising the effect they're having on the OP's self-confidence, and lifestyle.

I really don't think counselling works when only one half of the couple wants it.

I thought your posts were bang on, WhatsGoingOnEh, so did others. OP asked for thoughts and perspective and has received this - along with some really helpful advice. It does a huge disservice to somebody to ignore or gloss over what is written in first and subsequent OP posts.

@HFarnsworth - If anyone's pissing 'twisting in the wind' it's the OP and the more she keeps mithering her dp and getting no joy as to what's wrong with him, the more she's twisting her stomach into 'a knot' of fear that he doesn't love her any more and he's going to dump her after the 'big holiday'.

He might be depressed, he might be exhausted, he might be having a midlife crisis reflecting on his achievements to date and thinking 'is this it?', he might be engaging in all sorts of things, but what he's not doing is engaging with the OP and attempting to force the issue by dragging him to counselling while he's in his current mindset is unlikely to end well for her.

Thank you all again....I don't know if dp is depressed, but my instinct is not. He has a stressful job, a difficult relationship with his ex and his elder dd, and I think he is genuinely just a bit ground down, but I don't think he's depressed.
I don't think I am either, although I am unhappy at the moment, that's not the same thing.
I had thought about counselling, but on reflection, and after reading WhatsGoingOnEhs posts, I realised that she was right, dp doesn't want to "tawk" about stuff - not to me, and certainly not to a stranger...
I don't think that by trying to return to me, that I'm leaving dp twisting in the wind - I think either he'll wake up to me and our relationship, or he won't care, and what I dread will happen, and he'll leave. But he'll be leaving someone stronger and more able to deal with it if he does.
I was on my own for five years after losing dh, I cried a lot, and I grieved, but I didn't collapse, and I kept going for my dcs, so I would do that again I suppose - I just really don't want to. I want to be with dp.
And I know my user name is a bit rubbish - it's not really a reflection of me, I just needed to change from my last one, and couldn't think of anything that wasn't already chosen, or really twee.

Do you live together?

This really doesn't have to be a big "thing". You can very quietly and subtley regain your own power. Just quietly start doing your own thing. Fir your OWN sake.

Start small: every time your thoughts turn to (what you feel is) DP's backing off, force yourself to immediately focus on something fun, positive and lovely. Like calling a friend, re-reading your favourite book, clearing out your wardrobe, doing a facepack, painting your nails...

Start with that this week. That's all you do. When you get a mopey thought, immediately cut it short by doing something FUN that YOU like doing.

When you ring a friend, don't moan about DP or confide in them about heavy stuff, instead suggest fun plans. Drinks, theatre, cinema, etc. Your focus needs to be on happy, lighthearted stuff right now.

Look nice every day. Dress single! :-)

Get a haircut/colour. Have a pedicure. Toss out frumpy undies and replace with pretty stuff. (Stuff YOU like.)

Get a subscription to a magazine. Take yourself out for coffee. Take the DC out to try a new restaurant with you. Coming and Going.

Small, fun, happy things. Act like you were born happy. And no tawks.

This could easily sort itself out on its own. But you must give it time - mark the day two months from now on the calendar. That's how long it'll take DP to notice your new happiness and react to it. Don't expect miracles overnight. But if you carry on doing happy stuff, in 2 months' time you won't recognise yourself! You'll feel great regardless.

Hi DL. Your situation sounds exactly the same as mine. Thought I'd found my soulmate, used to be the most perfect relationship and suddenly he has gone distant and cold and will not initiate any kind of affection or intimacy and when I try to talk stuff over, he just gets arsey and annoyed or he moans that he's tired and just wants to go to sleep. It's horrible, trying so hard to make a relationship work and feeling like you're not getting anything back. We too have a holiday booked for summer and I've had my suspicions that he's waiting until that's over to leave.

I've not read all the replies so apologies if I'm repeating. Was there a defining point where he changed? Is there an incident or something that has happened, maybe something that doesn't even seem that significant, that has happened around the same time as him changing?

I've spent a lot of time crying, getting angry, losing sleep etc. I have told my partner if he wants out he should just go but he says he doesn't want to break up. However he also won't do anything to help himself and this relationship so I've decided on a new route. Instead of wasting my time and energy being worried about things, I'm going to just act like I'm single. My partner is currently doing a show for a week so I won't see him so I have blocked his number so he will be unable to get in touch with me and I won't be tempted to reply to any of his messages. I intend to live the next week as if he doesn't exist. Like a PP has said, I will dress nicely, do my hair and make up and make myself feel great, I'll do the things that make me happy. I will gladly continue to post on social media as if nothing is wrong and I'm totally fine. Then, if after not being able to communicate with me after so long doesn't make him miss me and realise if he doesn't buck up he's going to lose me, then it's his loss not mine.

You could maybe try something like that? Just act really casual and unbothered and it might scare him into thinking you really don't need him and he'll step up. And even if that makes him think you don't care so he's going to leave, then let him. If he's not willing to fight hard for your relationship then he's not worth it.

whats I love that post. I think its one of my favourite ever. Perfect in my opinion.

That's all your posts whats

In fact my advice is to find a friend like whats in RL. Surround yourself with positive people - it makes silich a difference!

*such

Another big thumbs up for Whats posts, they're always really positive and empowering. :)

WhatsGoingOnEh gives excellent advice. It's realistic and much more likely to work than bloody counselling fucking hate the inadequate amateur 'relate' shite

There's no bigger turn off I think than some needy partner who you sense is most concerned that they are not on their own and imho it's a very difficult thing to hide.

And, oi, OP (refuse to call you Dumpy) love, 50 is not old. Okay?