I think DP doesn't love me any more

[Dumpylump]

He says he does, and he's says it will be fine. But I don't think I believe him and it's breaking my heart.
We've been together for six years, have two children each - none together, and although we've had ups and downs, I thought this was it for ever.
Lately he's been distant, doesn't ever initiate any kind of physical contact (not even a hug), and just doesn't seem interested in spending any time with me.
I've tried to talk to him about it but he either starts going over old fights we've had in the past, about stuff I thought was long ago resolved, or just says he doesn't want to fight and is too tired to talk about things.
I don't want to fight either, but I want to save our relationship, we used to be so close, and now I feel alone.
We've got a holiday booked with the dcs in the summer, and I can't help feeling that he's just waiting til that's done and then he's going to leave. I can't sleep, and have a permanent knot in my stomach.

Thanks, ladies! I get it from my mum. She is REALLY FEISTY. And it's all in The Rules. Most maligned dating book ever. :) But so positive and uplifting and empowering when you really "get" the message in it.

So, it's me. The OP. I changed my name, and I changed my attitude. I was being fabulous. It was my big birthday last week, I pulled out all the stops for my party, I was showered in compliments.....one person said "stunning". Ok, it was my auntie, but still.
We have been sleeping together (dp, not auntie), been away for a wee break.....but I still felt something was off.
Last night I looked at the messages on his ipad, and there they were. All lovey dovey between him and someone I thought was a friend.
Heartbroken doesn't come close.

Oh no OP!!! That must be awful. What a bastard!! Someone more useful than me will be along shortly, I just didn't want to read and run. Be kind to yourself.

I'm really sorry OP.

I was reading through WhatsGoingOnEh's advice thinking that it was fuck all use if your husband was seeing someone else.

I hope you have friends and family around you. xx

Whatsgoingoneh

I am so happy to "see" a Rules believer. The books have changed my life.

OP, I agree with everything Whats has said. Powerful concept: coming and going and happy happy.

We're meant to be going on holiday on Saturday. Long haul, with the kids, for my ds1s 18th. What the hell am I meant to do. I've been so sick - I didn't think that really happened, but I swear, I read the messages, I could feel my heart beating out of my chest, and then I threw up.
He is minimising it all, just texts, just one coffee at her house, they're just friends. He told me I didn't know her, but I'd remembered the last two digits of the number, and one message she referenced her daughter, when I ran away from the house I looked in my phone and there was her number stored with the same last two digits.

What a fucking cheating bastard.

I'm really sorry OP :(

I think you should carry on being fabulous and tell DP to fuck off. Take the kids on holiday but go without him. He knows you have being going round in circles trying to sort things, all the while he has been cheating on you (in the very least emotionally). The selfish prick.

I have just RTFT and actually was smiling reading the first part of your update message, then the bombshell. Oh OP I am so sorry. You really took positive steps to rebuild the relationships and he was cheating on you. What a fucking horrible bastard.

As a PP said, stay fabulous, fuck him off and go for your much needed holiday with the kids

Oh op, I am so sorry

No wonder he was being such a cunt.

You are fabulous, and you sound so warm, and kind, and big-hearted. You have so much to give, I can tell from your posts.

Dump this fucker. It will hurt now, oh it will fucking hurt like mad.

But I promise, i promise you, you will look back on this and you will be so so glad you left him.

Oh ffs, Fab, he is such a wanker.
Carry on being fabulous and think about what you want for you and DCs future.
Fucking wanker. What about your friend? How does he know her? What will you do there?

Go on holiday with your kids, he's a cheating swine and doesn't deserve you.
Deal with the fall out when you get back.

"Friend" is single. He met her through me, as far as I knew just a handful of times - I used to see her more on my own, because she was single I suppose. Apparently he met her out one night when he was with some of his friends from work.
I texted her last night, I said that I thought she was my friend but that she had made me actually, physically sick, that I never wanted her to speak to me again, and she was not to come near me or my dcs. She texted back "get a grip Fabellini".

Whatsgoingoneh great advice. Right up my street

Shit, just RT rest of the thread. What a solid gold cunt, OP. So Sorry.

and she's a cunt too.

So your 'friend' is having an inappropriate relationship with your DP ( doubly inappropriate because a. he's got a partner and b. he's the partner of a friend) and she tells you to get a grip????
Who is she? Where does she live? I want to kill her.

I am so sorry OP.

Did you through him out, does he know you sent the text to the OW.
Try and be strong, go on the holiday with your DC.
What do you want to happen now?
The OW sounds like a right piece of work, does he realize how vindictive she is, I would have to show him that text.
You do realize if he doesn't come on the holiday with you, he will go straight to her, if it really is the end for you, so be it.
Thing is, if he does go on the holiday with you, it would really piss her off. Also, I would take his phone off him for the entndre holiday, ie, I would pick it up when he wasn't looking ads then it would have just disappear. Then you could both check his phone and also, text her some pretty nasty texts to her yourself. ( from him). Oh God, I can really be horrible too.

Well OW sounds lovely sounds like he's got himself quite a catch there! FFS, I'm actually livid for you.

Yes to going away with the kids, without him. Have a brilliant time, without him. Let the kids call him from holiday and tell him what a great time you're all having. Without him!

Oh I'm so sorry to hear this. What horrible people .
What are you going to do?

I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to take the bottle of champagne she gave me for my birthday and throw it through her window. I won't, but I want to. I'll give it to another friend - I couldn't drink it.
She texted the morning of my party to say she wouldn't make it - so I guess she didn't spoil that for me. Although she did, because now it feels the whole night, dancing with dp, having friends say how happy we seemed, it was all a lie.
He's been here, just a little while ago, because he's out and about with work...he was apologising, saying he wants us to work things out. There hasn't been any resolution or anything though....apart from anything else I was barely coherent because I kept crying.
It feels like the first few days after I lost dh - I think it's just the shock.

OP.

I am so sorry, it must be so hurtful. No wonder she didn't come to your party, it does sound like she is planning to take him from you.
How long has it been going on? the fact she didn't come to your party suggests she is sleeping with him, no matter what he tries to say. Be prepared for this.

What do you think is the best thing to do in relation to the holiday? You probably can't think straight now? Do you think he wants to go, do you think he might leave you after the holiday anyway.
Pretend you are a really strong person in a really strong place a dn you are giving them advice on this, what would you tell then to do?

Get a grip? She's lucky you haven't got a grip of her - round the bloody throat, the cheeky mare.

I am not a fan of The Rules which I think is out-dated, sexist crap. And playing silly head-games with a long term DP is like trying to paint a house with nail varnish, ultimately it is a diversion. An entrenched relationship requires some honesty and depth and pretending to be someone he's dated twice in order to pique his interest is ridiculous.

BUT I think there's some truth in what What's says -- only I wouldn't approach it from the POV of someone trying to "win back their man", I would just see it as a project to liberate yourself from your over-dependence on him.

You have got to the stage where all your emotional well-being rests on this man and his moods and the affection he chooses to dole out to you. Its all on his terms.

What you need to do is to make it on your terms. Pull back from him. Spend more time with your friends, children. Find a new hobby. Consciously develop a sense of pleasure in your own company. Do something to change your life.

Don't do it as part of a strategy to get a reaction from him. Do it for yourself. You may or may not get a reaction from him. If you do, you may find you've lost respect for him anyway as he could have shown you the affection and interest when you did want it. If you don't, you'll know that the relationship is not worth saving.

But what you will get is strength, independence and a sense of your own self.

She told you to get a grip?? What a cow.

I really think you should go on holiday without DP. Regardless of the outcome of this, you need space and time to think and it won't be much of a holiday for your children if it's spent arguing with your DP about his affair

making a wee video of you tipping the champagne down the loo and sending it to her with the message "Absolutely nothing wrong with my grip" might feel better than giving it away?

So sorry you are going through this fab