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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can someone tell me what my husband is playing at?

109 replies

Sureimgrand · 16/05/2015 15:00

Can you read this conversation and tell me if IBM or Dh is. My sense of unreasonable Ness is screwed up as our argument is getting out of hand. I need perspective.
So back story is, we err going to do something for the afternoon. Then hi s friend rang to say he was in town . it's a very old friend he hasn't seen in years so I totally understand he wants to meet him. Thought it. Might be all of us. But worked out r he wants to. Eet him on his own for a pint. Fair enough. Our plans can change and I'll take the children somewhere myself.
I try to find out how long hes going out for.
So we can an something for after or not.
A row ensues.
I leave the room to avoid shouting in front of dcs.
Me: I know what your going to say, "your always like this when I try to go anywhere, why can't i just have a nice time, etc" but my issue is not with that I'm happy for your u to meet a friend. I just want to know how long it will be for, which is not unreasonable. If you say an hour and a half, that's sounds unlikely to me if he's staying in town tonight, which is why I was pushing for a realistic answer. It's nice to be straight with me too so I know where I stand.

Him: Did u have to do that in front of dc, I'm going for a pint with a friend. It will take an hour maybe 90 minutes. What is your problem I can't put it any plainer than that. How can u not understand that? Jesus if u want to do sometching do it, not like I'm off on the piss every weekend, your acting like a fucking tyrant. Cop on.

Me:Did you not read my text I just sent you?

Him: Did u read mine, I can't give an estimate to the minute. It will take an hour maybe 90 mins. It is not for the evening or night. Did this not answer you
That is a realistic answer why can't u accept that, just listen to yourself read your message and my response. Fuck what is wrong with u

Me: Why are you ignoring my question again. Ok fine. If it's longer please let me know (not because I'm a tyrant, because it's hard to plan anything without knowing when others involved will be there.)
Mental case is u not me. Don't hang up while I'm talking please. It's normal to tell your spose how long ull gone. Not sure why you want to row about that. It's a very normal question.

Him: I have answered it about 20 times that's why,
Yes it's a normal question, asking it repeatedly is abnormal. I really don't understand what u are doing.

Me: Ah, I think I see what's might be going on in your mind. You are trying to orchestrate a row then feck off and get pissed, telling me I caused that to happen... Is that it? Grow up.
Because an hour seemed unrealistic to me, that's why.

Him:No I'm going for a pint for an hour maybe 90 minutes.

Ne:Fine. As before, if it's later, please keep me informed.

Him: I hope the question is finally answered so.
U need to seriously chill out, this shit can't go on. Have I ever complained if u have something to do for an hour. Cop on and let me live my life without feeling like I've got a gun to my head

Me:You could have just left it at previous text, not sure why you are trying to provoke again. No gun. Am chilled out. (you are obvious not) you answered question. I requested info if it changes. That's surely not unreasonable, or have you suddenly decided it is?

Him:I'm just telling you what it feels like being married to u

That's it, I'm not responding to that. It's suddenly upped a gear and I'm upset, it's not him.
I know it's not good, but why is he speaking to me like that? What the hell. I didnt even repeatedly ask him how long he'd be. I asked him if it's realistic and if we'd do something after. I don't know what to do or think.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sureimgrand · 16/05/2015 15:01

Ahhh, sorry about all the typos. Didn't proof read and on my phone. Hope it makes some sense.

OP posts:

RedRugNoniMouldiesEtc · 16/05/2015 15:05

Well it seems to me like he answered you. If you didn't think it was realistic then just have a plan b incase you are right. to me it sounds like yabu.

Jackieharris · 16/05/2015 15:06

It sounds like your marriage has some serious issues. This obviously isn't just about today.

ThreeQuartersEmpty · 16/05/2015 15:08

He answered you. An hour / hour and a half.

If he has previous form for lying about the length of time he is likely to be, that's different.

gamerchick · 16/05/2015 15:08

So he got another offer and wanted the green light to toddle off on his own. There is no such thing as a quick pint.

I personally would not do any more texting and carry on with my day assuming that he wouldn't be joining me and will come back arsehold.

You won't be able to have a rational conversation with him now, you're both too cross but I would be royally marked at not being invited along.

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 16/05/2015 15:08

I think yabu, although I suspect he'll stay out longer than 90 mins, but I also think there are bigger problems here.
Is this conversation typical of how you both handle disagreements and misunderstandings?

cathpip · 16/05/2015 15:08

Sounds like he's trying to create an argument that he can blame on you as he really wants to stay out drinking with his mate all night!

Tryharder · 16/05/2015 15:09

If you had posted this on AIBU I would've said you were both unreasonable.

You went on and on when he had already answered the question but he was rude, aggressive and abusive.

If this conversation albeit by text is your normal way of speaking to each other, then that's not correct and you should be questioning whether or not you are truly compatible.

gamerchick · 16/05/2015 15:09

*narked

Original poster

Sureimgrand · 16/05/2015 15:09

I know :-(

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 16/05/2015 15:11

He told you about ten times he'd be about 60-90 minutes. Did you think he would be longer? Does he have form for disappearing for long periods of time?

museumum · 16/05/2015 15:12

He has definitely totally an repeatedly answered your question.

However I sense you don't believe him? Have you reason not to?

Tryharder · 16/05/2015 15:12

On reading your replies, I actually agree with cathspip. He's engineering a fight so he can stay out all evening.

But TBH, unless he's out every weekend and most evenings, I don't think he should have to be pinned down to a time.

What's stopping you doing your own thing with your DD and your own friends and family?

Original poster

Sureimgrand · 16/05/2015 15:14

Yeah cathpip, that's exactly what I think he's doing. He's done that before. But not recently.
No he's not normally so aggressive. We are under some other stress recently, so maybe the undercurrent is bubbling away.
Will just leave it there. I do agree there's no such thing as on pint. I was hoping he'd agree and give me a better indication by saying, probably the rest of he say. In who choose case I'd take the dcs to somewhere family or something. But now we are just left hanging around waiting.

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 16/05/2015 15:14

Unless he has form for not coming back when he says and for creating arguments to stay out then i think you are in the wrong here. I dont get the repeated requests for him to answer when he had clearly already done so.

OurGlass · 16/05/2015 15:16

You treated him like a piece of shit.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 16/05/2015 15:17

From that exchange I can actually see where he's coming from... Although he obviously shouldn't have answered so aggressively. It looks like he told you how long he would be, you didn't believe him so kept asking, and he kept giving the same answer. Do you have reason to think he would be longer than he said originally and subsequently?

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 16/05/2015 15:18

Plus my DH will quite often nip out for a pint after work/at the weekend. It will be a maximum of two and usually takes an hour/90 mins!

ltk · 16/05/2015 15:20

You asked him how long he would be gone. He answered 1 hour maybe 90 minutes. You don't believe him. You think he will be gone longer.

With only this to go on, I would say yabu. He is going out with an old friend. You could just say to him, have fun and I will see you when you get home. I do think you are micromanaging to demand, numerous times, a time he will be back.

But I guess there is more to this.

Sickoffrozen · 16/05/2015 15:21

You didn't deal with it great in my opinion.

I would have just said " you go out and have a nice time and I'll see you later. I'm taking the kids out so see you later"

Not sure why everything has to have a time limit.

The argument looks ridiculous to someone who wouldn't get worked up about something like this.

Pasithea · 16/05/2015 15:21

Assume he's gone for however long he's gone and get on with your own day. You're not joined at the hip. Enjoy time with your family. Or friends. Certainly wouldn't hang around.

gaslamp · 16/05/2015 15:24

It's a friend he hasn't seen in years...couldn't you have said go and catch up, have a nice time, don't rush back and made your own plans? If my husband treated me the way you've just treated your husband, I'd feel really quite sad and stifled

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 16/05/2015 15:26

Yeah I would feel stifled too. Does he go out a lot? I have a toddler and don't go out with friends very often. If I had the opportunity to meet an old friend and was asked repeatedly how long I would be it would bother me.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 16/05/2015 15:27

There is no such thing as a "quick pint" when you're meeting a pal you haven't seen in years. He knows that and you should have known it, too. Instead you try to extricate from him the answer you wanted all along. But I don't think you're going to get it. Not now you've been such a bitch about it.

Shakey1500 · 16/05/2015 15:30

You were unreasonable. You asked, he gave you an answer. What else did you expect him to do??

As an aside, If an old friend was in town and we didn't have anything vital to do (as in a wedding for example) I would also expect DH to be gone for how ever long he wanted and would get the spare room ready

From the exchange I think you were spoiling for a fight. Or hoping he would say "No idea, see you whenever" so that you could say he was being unreasonable.

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