Can someone tell me what my husband is playing at?

[Sureimgrand]

Can you read this conversation and tell me if IBM or Dh is. My sense of unreasonable Ness is screwed up as our argument is getting out of hand. I need perspective.
So back story is, we err going to do something for the afternoon. Then hi s friend rang to say he was in town . it's a very old friend he hasn't seen in years so I totally understand he wants to meet him. Thought it. Might be all of us. But worked out r he wants to. Eet him on his own for a pint. Fair enough. Our plans can change and I'll take the children somewhere myself.
I try to find out how long hes going out for.
So we can an something for after or not.
A row ensues.
I leave the room to avoid shouting in front of dcs.
Me: I know what your going to say, "your always like this when I try to go anywhere, why can't i just have a nice time, etc" but my issue is not with that I'm happy for your u to meet a friend. I just want to know how long it will be for, which is not unreasonable. If you say an hour and a half, that's sounds unlikely to me if he's staying in town tonight, which is why I was pushing for a realistic answer. It's nice to be straight with me too so I know where I stand.

Him: Did u have to do that in front of dc, I'm going for a pint with a friend. It will take an hour maybe 90 minutes. What is your problem I can't put it any plainer than that. How can u not understand that? Jesus if u want to do sometching do it, not like I'm off on the piss every weekend, your acting like a fucking tyrant. Cop on.

Me:Did you not read my text I just sent you?

Him: Did u read mine, I can't give an estimate to the minute. It will take an hour maybe 90 mins. It is not for the evening or night. Did this not answer you
That is a realistic answer why can't u accept that, just listen to yourself read your message and my response. Fuck what is wrong with u

Me: Why are you ignoring my question again. Ok fine. If it's longer please let me know (not because I'm a tyrant, because it's hard to plan anything without knowing when others involved will be there.)
Mental case is u not me. Don't hang up while I'm talking please. It's normal to tell your spose how long ull gone. Not sure why you want to row about that. It's a very normal question.

Him: I have answered it about 20 times that's why,
Yes it's a normal question, asking it repeatedly is abnormal. I really don't understand what u are doing.

Me: Ah, I think I see what's might be going on in your mind. You are trying to orchestrate a row then feck off and get pissed, telling me I caused that to happen... Is that it? Grow up.
Because an hour seemed unrealistic to me, that's why.

Him:No I'm going for a pint for an hour maybe 90 minutes.

Ne:Fine. As before, if it's later, please keep me informed.

Him: I hope the question is finally answered so.
U need to seriously chill out, this shit can't go on. Have I ever complained if u have something to do for an hour. Cop on and let me live my life without feeling like I've got a gun to my head

Me:You could have just left it at previous text, not sure why you are trying to provoke again. No gun. Am chilled out. (you are obvious not) you answered question. I requested info if it changes. That's surely not unreasonable, or have you suddenly decided it is?

Him:I'm just telling you what it feels like being married to u

That's it, I'm not responding to that. It's suddenly upped a gear and I'm upset, it's not him.
I know it's not good, but why is he speaking to me like that? What the hell. I didnt even repeatedly ask him how long he'd be. I asked him if it's realistic and if we'd do something after. I don't know what to do or think.

It feels like there is a lot of back story here. Does he have a habit of not being realistic? Of engineering a row so can go and stay out?
My ex was like this, he turned it so it looked like I was the unreasonable one, but in reality it was the cumulative effect of all that had gone before which turned me into a madwoman! I suspect something like that here!

He's going to stay out.....the argument is to justify to himself. I think he's trying to shift the balance of 'power' so that you stop expecting fair treatment, and have to accept his new regime of freedom for himself while you stay in with kids as a new status quo. Buuuut, I might be projecting massively a bit.

Or her engineering a fight? Asking multiple times the same question in a relatively short time is winding someone up , imo.

Thanks everyone, some hard to read but some truth in it all. I'm feeling angry and wish I wasn't cause it's the weekend.
End result will be he'll be off out soon and yes most probably won't be home for ages so we will go out somewhere with out him assuming he's gone for the day.
I can't accept the way he spoke to me in his final texts. I can't let that go. Maybe we can try talking tomorrow.

I think you sound quite controlling. Is there some anxiety behind having to know to the minute how long he's going to be?

Sorry to answer a question, no he hardly ever goes out, but when he does, it's big style. 3 day hangover type.

And why can't you let go what he said in his final texts? What was so bad about it? Sounds like he finally blew up to me.

he is out. so, you can go out.

good lord. a friend he hasn't seen for ages and you bang on and on about technicalities in his texts?

arrange something to do. assume he'll be out for the evening. you can't be in control of everything - it's impossible and exhausting. let it go (let it gooooo...) and get pizza or something in for you and the kids. blanket forts and Saturday night telly.

you can't micro manage everything. it will drive you mad. tell him to go for the evening and lighten the situation.

unless there is a lot more to this and i suspect there is...

I can't accept the way he spoke to me in his final texts.

You called him a mental case!

and escalation by text is never good. neither is discussing any of this with either a tipsy or, tomorrow, a hungover DH. i do see that you are stressed out and talking about his 3 day hangovers - can you relax do you think or is there more to this?

He told you he's not going out for the evening or the night, so does it REALLY matter how long he'll be to the nearest minute? It's an old friend he's not sen for a long time. Why are you giving him such a hard time? Sorry, OP, but you sound quite controlling, based on this brief snapshot.

Fucking hell I can't believe anyone thinks you are being remotely reasonable.

If you thought he was lying about what time he was coming back, what was the point in asking and asking and asking?

I was getting pissed off just reading it!

It reads like you were orchestrating a fight if I'm honest. And like you begrudge him seeing an old friend for an afternoon.

Crikey you two aren't particularly kind to each other. Do you normally talk to each other like that?

Then you should have said that the last couple of times you went out for a pint, it became like a 3 day hangover type. I'm asking that you don't overindulge because we had plans to do something with the children.

instead you were being passive aggressive with asking the same question many times via face to face , phone, and text.

Basically you asked him how long he would be. He said up to 90 minutes. You asked whether he'd read the text. He said yes, it was impossible to give an answer to the minute, but up to 90 minutes.

The rest of the exchange does sound like you were picking a fight.

I would feel very stifled if my dh questioned me like that. And sometimes I do go out on a big one. And it's very hard to pin down exactly what time it will finish. But so does he and since we're not joined at the hip we both accept that a little give and take goes a long way.

Your dh now knows it's not going to be fun coming home whatever time so he might as well stay out for the duration. It's what i'd do tbh....

3 day hangover

Wow, so he is feeling guilty because he knows 3 day hangovers are OTT.
You are stroppy because you know 3 day hangovers means everything is left to you.
He is pretending that he doesn't want a 3 day hangover (or maybe it is genuine) and doesn't want you pointing out the fact they are OTT by laboring the point about how long is he out for.

Call a truce and make agreements now for what happens next time he is invited out on a bender - eg he will make out he has to be home at a certain time for some reason and you pick him up then.

Oh god, you sound a total nightmare and if I were with someone like how you come across here It would drive me crazy. Sorry.

Actually having been with someone that did this I can see why the op reacted. It's the bollocks that used to piss me off. My conversation with my ex could have escalated similarly and would have started like this :

Me: ok we will see you when we see you
Him: I'll only be and hour or so
Me: (knowing full well it was bollocks) ok but we both know you'll be longer don't worry about it.
Him: I'm only meeting him for a pint I'll be back for xyz that we had planned
Me: ok fine I'll wait but if you decided to stay put longer let me know because I'll go ahead and go anyway.

^^ conversation turns into op's argument where I would be left wondering if I'd been a dick and him using this argument to justify why he stayed out and got rat arsed until the pub shuts.

Ok thanks, can see why it comes across as me being unreasonable. I think.
My next question is why has it come to this, I don't want to be a bitch. We are bringing out the worst in each other. How does it get to this?
Is it redeemable?
I wish we could just talk straight to each other with no passive aggressive shit and no under lying meanings

Then stop with the PA shit. Tell him what you mean instead of expecting him to read your mind and decipher the hints you are giving him.

say i expect that it might take longer than 90 minutes. I am asking that you don't overindulge and shoot me a quick text if its going to stay out later so we're not waiting around

I think you need to have a chat and say
'we've let ourselves get to a place where we're sometimes not very kind to each other. I think we should try to stop letting ourselves get away with talking to each other like that.
And then whenever you find yourselves being unkind, pick up on it, and stop it there and then. Apologise. And say 'what I mean to say is...' and just say what you honestly mean.
You don't need to play games with him. He's your DP. You need to be honest and straight with him.

You could have just said 'you haven't seen your mate for ages, I've got a feeling you might be out for a few hours. Shall I take the kids out by myself? Or do you really think you'll only be an hour or two?'

Just let him know what you're honestly thinking. Otherwise it does sound a bit pushy. And calling him a mental case and saying 'grow up' just isn't very nice.
He's not great either, but it has to come from both of you.

That's my humble opinion anyway!