Can someone tell me what my husband is playing at?

[Sureimgrand]

Can you read this conversation and tell me if IBM or Dh is. My sense of unreasonable Ness is screwed up as our argument is getting out of hand. I need perspective.
So back story is, we err going to do something for the afternoon. Then hi s friend rang to say he was in town . it's a very old friend he hasn't seen in years so I totally understand he wants to meet him. Thought it. Might be all of us. But worked out r he wants to. Eet him on his own for a pint. Fair enough. Our plans can change and I'll take the children somewhere myself.
I try to find out how long hes going out for.
So we can an something for after or not.
A row ensues.
I leave the room to avoid shouting in front of dcs.
Me: I know what your going to say, "your always like this when I try to go anywhere, why can't i just have a nice time, etc" but my issue is not with that I'm happy for your u to meet a friend. I just want to know how long it will be for, which is not unreasonable. If you say an hour and a half, that's sounds unlikely to me if he's staying in town tonight, which is why I was pushing for a realistic answer. It's nice to be straight with me too so I know where I stand.

Him: Did u have to do that in front of dc, I'm going for a pint with a friend. It will take an hour maybe 90 minutes. What is your problem I can't put it any plainer than that. How can u not understand that? Jesus if u want to do sometching do it, not like I'm off on the piss every weekend, your acting like a fucking tyrant. Cop on.

Me:Did you not read my text I just sent you?

Him: Did u read mine, I can't give an estimate to the minute. It will take an hour maybe 90 mins. It is not for the evening or night. Did this not answer you
That is a realistic answer why can't u accept that, just listen to yourself read your message and my response. Fuck what is wrong with u

Me: Why are you ignoring my question again. Ok fine. If it's longer please let me know (not because I'm a tyrant, because it's hard to plan anything without knowing when others involved will be there.)
Mental case is u not me. Don't hang up while I'm talking please. It's normal to tell your spose how long ull gone. Not sure why you want to row about that. It's a very normal question.

Him: I have answered it about 20 times that's why,
Yes it's a normal question, asking it repeatedly is abnormal. I really don't understand what u are doing.

Me: Ah, I think I see what's might be going on in your mind. You are trying to orchestrate a row then feck off and get pissed, telling me I caused that to happen... Is that it? Grow up.
Because an hour seemed unrealistic to me, that's why.

Him:No I'm going for a pint for an hour maybe 90 minutes.

Ne:Fine. As before, if it's later, please keep me informed.

Him: I hope the question is finally answered so.
U need to seriously chill out, this shit can't go on. Have I ever complained if u have something to do for an hour. Cop on and let me live my life without feeling like I've got a gun to my head

Me:You could have just left it at previous text, not sure why you are trying to provoke again. No gun. Am chilled out. (you are obvious not) you answered question. I requested info if it changes. That's surely not unreasonable, or have you suddenly decided it is?

Him:I'm just telling you what it feels like being married to u

That's it, I'm not responding to that. It's suddenly upped a gear and I'm upset, it's not him.
I know it's not good, but why is he speaking to me like that? What the hell. I didnt even repeatedly ask him how long he'd be. I asked him if it's realistic and if we'd do something after. I don't know what to do or think.

I think you've got a lot of insight and self-awareness, OP. Good for you for taking everything on board.

The dynamic between you has obviously been serving some purpose, even though you would both say you don't want the roles you've been assigned. Change is hard, but it will be worth it.

Did he go out with his friend in the end?

Lack of intimacy is really common in these types of relationship dynamics, after all who wants to have sex with their mum/dad?

I think you both need to cop on and stop being so aggressive to each other.

OP - I think some replies here have been quite unfair on you.

From what you've said, you wanted to ascertain when he would be back because you had planned a family day. Firstly, the fact he wasn't tactful and sensitive when telling you he was meeting this friend, already starts the topic off on a dismissive/disrespectful atmosphere. Secondly, it sounds like he's not very firm in his responses/timings/plans generally?? If that is the case, I feel for you hugely. If you're anything like me, you see a vicious circle happening, where you become more unreasonable because he's not straightforward, and then he withdraws and therefore becomes less straightforward etc etc.

I really feel for you, and think that a lot of background has created this current situation.

The only way to break it is to accept his words at face value, and give him 'grown up' respect, then address the problem later on if he doesn't follow through. Again at that point you need to stay calm (v difficult I know), and ensure that he knows you find it unacceptable and that you are disappointed, but that you're not going to waste your own day on falling out over it. Time will show whether he has the ability to be decent towards you when you treat him as if he's never let you down before... It's hard though and will take a lot of practice. X

Btw I don't think you are unreasonable at all for wanting to know how long he'll be. You just both went about it the wrong way.

Lots of posters are saying you shouldnt have asked him to tell you how long he thought he'd be out. That just seems strange- surely you'd want to know whether he'll be around later or not so you could arrange your plans accordingly.

But yeah, you obviously have some issues with how you interact with each other. But you seem pretty self aware, I think you'll be able to sort those out.

No his friend never called. He came over for coffee this morning instead.
Good points thanks. BeYours, that's an approach I'm going to try to take. So much of our interaction is based on history and experience. His defensiveness and my assumptions.im going try and treat each new one without influence from the past and as you say, act grown up, pretend we are normal! If I treat him as an adult, then I might expect the same back. It might not happen straight away, but I will try to lead by example.

The sex thing, yeah it's the parent relationship ruining it, I've been thinking that too. Would love to resolve that, maybe it will come with some mutual respect.
I'm starting from now. Thanks so much for all your wise words and even the harsh ones!

Fair doo's to you sure All the best

Good luck OP! I like the fact that you've taken so much on board and want to improve your marriage. You did see something wrong with the initial exchanges and weren't defensive about it.

And Well done for ignoring (or seeing through) all the crazies on the thread who clearly have dysfunctional parent-child marriages but lack your self awareness! My guess is that a lot of people commenting on mumsnet think that treating their DH like a child is the only way to have "equality" in their marriage.