Can someone tell me what my husband is playing at?

[Sureimgrand]

Can you read this conversation and tell me if IBM or Dh is. My sense of unreasonable Ness is screwed up as our argument is getting out of hand. I need perspective.
So back story is, we err going to do something for the afternoon. Then hi s friend rang to say he was in town . it's a very old friend he hasn't seen in years so I totally understand he wants to meet him. Thought it. Might be all of us. But worked out r he wants to. Eet him on his own for a pint. Fair enough. Our plans can change and I'll take the children somewhere myself.
I try to find out how long hes going out for.
So we can an something for after or not.
A row ensues.
I leave the room to avoid shouting in front of dcs.
Me: I know what your going to say, "your always like this when I try to go anywhere, why can't i just have a nice time, etc" but my issue is not with that I'm happy for your u to meet a friend. I just want to know how long it will be for, which is not unreasonable. If you say an hour and a half, that's sounds unlikely to me if he's staying in town tonight, which is why I was pushing for a realistic answer. It's nice to be straight with me too so I know where I stand.

Him: Did u have to do that in front of dc, I'm going for a pint with a friend. It will take an hour maybe 90 minutes. What is your problem I can't put it any plainer than that. How can u not understand that? Jesus if u want to do sometching do it, not like I'm off on the piss every weekend, your acting like a fucking tyrant. Cop on.

Me:Did you not read my text I just sent you?

Him: Did u read mine, I can't give an estimate to the minute. It will take an hour maybe 90 mins. It is not for the evening or night. Did this not answer you
That is a realistic answer why can't u accept that, just listen to yourself read your message and my response. Fuck what is wrong with u

Me: Why are you ignoring my question again. Ok fine. If it's longer please let me know (not because I'm a tyrant, because it's hard to plan anything without knowing when others involved will be there.)
Mental case is u not me. Don't hang up while I'm talking please. It's normal to tell your spose how long ull gone. Not sure why you want to row about that. It's a very normal question.

Him: I have answered it about 20 times that's why,
Yes it's a normal question, asking it repeatedly is abnormal. I really don't understand what u are doing.

Me: Ah, I think I see what's might be going on in your mind. You are trying to orchestrate a row then feck off and get pissed, telling me I caused that to happen... Is that it? Grow up.
Because an hour seemed unrealistic to me, that's why.

Him:No I'm going for a pint for an hour maybe 90 minutes.

Ne:Fine. As before, if it's later, please keep me informed.

Him: I hope the question is finally answered so.
U need to seriously chill out, this shit can't go on. Have I ever complained if u have something to do for an hour. Cop on and let me live my life without feeling like I've got a gun to my head

Me:You could have just left it at previous text, not sure why you are trying to provoke again. No gun. Am chilled out. (you are obvious not) you answered question. I requested info if it changes. That's surely not unreasonable, or have you suddenly decided it is?

Him:I'm just telling you what it feels like being married to u

That's it, I'm not responding to that. It's suddenly upped a gear and I'm upset, it's not him.
I know it's not good, but why is he speaking to me like that? What the hell. I didnt even repeatedly ask him how long he'd be. I asked him if it's realistic and if we'd do something after. I don't know what to do or think.

I'm a bit confused. You argued face to face in the house, and then you walked off to another room and had that argument over text...while you were both in the house?!

Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick op, but if not then it seems incredibly childish...

We didn't want to shout in front of the dcs Chip.
Anyway, a sort of normality has resumed. I've apologised. I've told him what someone suggested earlier about how I assumed he would be later but I went the wrong way about trying to get that from him.
Ironically, his friend hasn't texted back to say where he is to meet up so poor dh is sitting waiting on a time and place. At this stage it probably is a night out.
We do need to talk later or tomorrow.

He said, I'm meeting him ok. No apology, or asking or anything. Just telling me and being kinda defensive about it

That is pa imo. Deliberate defensive stance which makes the OP the unreasonable baddie. Gaslighting too possibly.

Does he have a drink problem, there is something here which doesn't add up.

And a '3 day hangover' - how can the posters on here all think that's fine, it's ridiculous. 3 days???? That's bad.

I wouldn't have liked to have the texts from you that you sent him, OP, really. If an old friend would have pitched up wanting to see my husband and we'd had plans with the kids, I would have said, "Go and see friend, I'll take kids here and there - see you when I see you". I wouldn't have been pressing him for a time. He would do the same for me.

Why are your texts so long and why do you use them for arguing? I wouldn't reply to your texts. Sorry, but you do sound very controlling. He should let you be free sometimes and you should let him be free - you take it in turns to do stuff with the kids sometimes and sometimes you do stuff together with the kids. How long as you both going to let this argument go on for - in front of the kids who WILL be aware of it, make no mistake.

My mother does this to me wanting a 'ballpark' time and it drives me mad. It's not as if I'm trying to hide anything, I hate, hate, hate being pinned down when it's not necessary. This wasn't necessary. He might be orchestrating the row but you've conducted it there. Fault on both sides. You don't need to do everything together and some flexibility for both of you is a good thing in a marriage.

Where is your DP now then? He's not upstairs or at the end of the garden or something?

Larry there was no family outing organised from what I came make out, they were speaking about what they were going to do before his friend called - friend called and he decided to go. Why would he ask to go out? He's an adult and can do what he wants.

If this was reversed and a woman saying my DH wanted me to ask if I can go out there would be murder and he would be accused of being controlling and abusive simple as.

Ok that does make sense, because my 2nd question was going to be "where the hell were the kids while you two were busy arguing/text arguing"

Overall I would say yabu op, you just kept asking the same bloody question over and over again. I'm a fairly calm person but if my oh did that to me I'd tell him exactly where he could shove his questions.

I agree the thought it could have ended/could still end in a 3 day hangover would be enough to make most of us a tad unreasonable

Glad you've (kind of) sorted it now.
If I were you I'd make plans for myself and the kids tomorrow, let him sleep it off (assuming he goes out!) and then once the kids are asleep tomorrow night sit down and discuss your concerns properly

X

You may have asked H a question to which he has no answer.

An old friend comes by but your H doesn't know whether this is a pint or an all night session with his friend pouring his heart out. How could he then give a time?
First thing I would have done is put the friend up.

Yes too dependent on your H. Having said all that, I have a broken marriage as most others here do, so what do we know?

OP if you were my other half and you did what you did, I'd tell you to fuck off. You could have handled that so much better.

No he is being overly helpful around the house and putting dc1 to bed. I'm with dc2.
I do see how my texts were over the top. I was so frustrated at the time with him.he wound me up.
I'm seeing a pattern here in that his initial reaction about going out was to be defensive . This in turn made me attack.
It's as if we know how it's going to play out before its even begun. We seem to be stuck playing roles. Is that how marriages can evolve after a few years in that you almost know how a conversation will go from the beginning?
I find he can often treat me in a "mother" role which really passes me off, but maybe I treat him that way so that's how he responds. Sorry, that isn't very clear but I'm trying to think of an example. For instance, he smokes. I don't really care, but I don't want dcs to see it. So if we are out somewhere and he wants a fag, he'll make up some stupid excuse to go off on his own instead of just telling me he wants one. Like he has to hide it from me as his mother. It drives me mad, just say you want a fag. Or he'll ask me in the kitchen if he can have a biscuit. I don't care, he's an adult! Is that normal?
He seems to act as if I would care if he did or didn't but I don't!
We've evolved into these weird roles and I don't particularly like it.

Well, tbh, you sound so controlling in those texts there's a chance you give off that vibe about everything.

FWIW I don't thing you are being horribly unreasonable OP, it just seems like there is a lot of history here and that the issue you post about in your OP maybe just a small tip of an iceberg.

It may be that he deliberately misunderstands you in an obtuse way so that he pretends he is objecting to an outrageous demand i.e. that over-reaction where he starts saying 'I hardly ever go out and you ALWAYS act like a tyrant', rather than actually addressing the fact that he is leaving you on your tod (for a small amount of time) at short notice. However, the resentment that you feel is already there near the surface... so perhaps is ready for a trigger. Whatever it is, it feels as if there is a real lack of respect between you and it would be nice to restore that. The question is, do you want to repair the damage... and the fact that you're posting on here suggests that you do... perhaps the bigger question is whether he does? Good luck.

Bloody hell.
You asked him how long he would be. He answered. You didn't believe him so aggressively asked him several times, at one point calling him a mental case (very offensive term). He became aggressive as well.

You sound very controlling. If you are like this in other areas of your relationship, I'm not surprised he is escalating it. You were totally unreasonable.

The point is your asked and he answered. Why did you feel the need to be so aggressive towards him? Totally unprovoked. Why couldn't you have just left it at 'ok, 90 minutes, would you mind letting me know if you're going to be longer? Have fun.' and got on with your day. You picked a fight with him. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like he had given you cause to mistrust him.

From an outsiders point of view, your behaviour is really irrational and so I'm wondering if there is a reason.

Your texts sounded reasonable, and your supposed to be last one of 'ok, well any later keep me informed' is in line with what a lot of pp have suggested you should have said. He on the other hand was quite personally attacking. As much as you might have handled it better, he certainly could have as well. It sounds as though your family plans were also dumped off for nothing.
I don't think you are solely responsible for this or terribly controlling, I imagine there is some background to it.

"OP if you were my other half and you did what you did, I'd tell you to fuck off. You could have handled that so much better."

"If you did what you did."? Oh dear the irony.

Why should there be a time limit? He sees you all the time but not his friend for ages. I'd have says have a good time see you when you get back. How controlling are you?

Maybe look not so much at what you say but the way you say it. If you genuinely aren't arsed how long he's out and think it'll be longer why not, when he said 90 mins tops, say 'why don't you stay out? You haven't seen Dave for ages, we'll go to (wherever) instead'
'You sure?'
'Yeah, have a good night, see you later'

Job done.

Same result but everyone's happy.

Your texts sounded reasonable...

They were within speaking distance of each other!

Yabu really. I hate it when I have to give a return time when I'm out. It's an old friend, he hadn't seen him for ages - go figure!!
I've been out tonight. I went out at 4. Said I would probably be back about 7.30. I've just come in. Should I be apologising? I don't think so!!

paddymcgintysmum explain please?

"You going out?"
"How long you going to be"?
"What time you going to be back then"?
Etc.,

I could never cope with that again. I'd far rather live alone than be on elastic.
Careful OP that your H doesn't feel the same.

paddymcgintysmum do you seriously think that a couple with a young family who had no advance plans for the day, therefore presumably the assumption is they'd spend the day as a family enjoying the sun etc, if one of them got a sudden invitation for a drink with an old friend then the other is not entitled to ask
"You going out?"
"How long you going to be"?
"What time you going to be back then"?

What do you think should happen? Can one partner just disappear leaving the other to spend the day with the kids work no idea at all when their OH is due back, whether they need dinner, whether they'll put the kids to bed, whether to watch that saved episode of GoT they've been looking forward to all week?
If you do believe this then I pity any partner/kids you have.

OP clearly went OTT with her texts, it looks like this was because they're was history of her OH being misleading about how long be was going to be out. Fair enough. But she should have communicated better. As should he.
OP I agree with PP saying that your relationship seems to have become something you're both resentful of and based on this snapshot (whilst accepting that only you know the full story) it might now be time for you to both do some soul searching about whether you want to continue in the relationship. And maybe some couples counselling about how to be kinder to reach other and communicate in a more respectful and productive way might be useful. Presumably you weren't always like this so maybe you both need to remember why you love each other and remember how to show the love. Or maybe it's gone- only you can answer that.
Good luck either way.

OP that stuff about asking for biscuits is odd. You are right about the parent / child thing.

Do you know much about transactional any analysis?

A quick google might help you begin to understand what is going on in this dynamic. Unraveling it and changing it might be harder though.

OP read up on transactional analysis - it sounds like you're stuck in 'parent-child' communication.

Just read about it. Never heard of it before, but wow that is fascinating. The parent child exchange is so obvious with us. And if I try to become an adult, he can knock it back again in one sentence. Or me by treating him like the child as I did in our argument earlier. Next is to figure out how to break that cycle. Not easy, I'd imagine if it's become ingrained in our interactions.
I might try to talk to him tomorrow about how we Talk to each other and how what we say can be construed. Not going to try explaining that analysis, he would me where I came up with it all!
Yes, I do want us to work out. I really do. There are other issues with us with lack of intimacy (which is probably related and is coming from both of us) but generally we are pretty good.