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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can someone tell me what my husband is playing at?

109 replies

Sureimgrand · 16/05/2015 15:00

Can you read this conversation and tell me if IBM or Dh is. My sense of unreasonable Ness is screwed up as our argument is getting out of hand. I need perspective.
So back story is, we err going to do something for the afternoon. Then hi s friend rang to say he was in town . it's a very old friend he hasn't seen in years so I totally understand he wants to meet him. Thought it. Might be all of us. But worked out r he wants to. Eet him on his own for a pint. Fair enough. Our plans can change and I'll take the children somewhere myself.
I try to find out how long hes going out for.
So we can an something for after or not.
A row ensues.
I leave the room to avoid shouting in front of dcs.
Me: I know what your going to say, "your always like this when I try to go anywhere, why can't i just have a nice time, etc" but my issue is not with that I'm happy for your u to meet a friend. I just want to know how long it will be for, which is not unreasonable. If you say an hour and a half, that's sounds unlikely to me if he's staying in town tonight, which is why I was pushing for a realistic answer. It's nice to be straight with me too so I know where I stand.

Him: Did u have to do that in front of dc, I'm going for a pint with a friend. It will take an hour maybe 90 minutes. What is your problem I can't put it any plainer than that. How can u not understand that? Jesus if u want to do sometching do it, not like I'm off on the piss every weekend, your acting like a fucking tyrant. Cop on.

Me:Did you not read my text I just sent you?

Him: Did u read mine, I can't give an estimate to the minute. It will take an hour maybe 90 mins. It is not for the evening or night. Did this not answer you
That is a realistic answer why can't u accept that, just listen to yourself read your message and my response. Fuck what is wrong with u

Me: Why are you ignoring my question again. Ok fine. If it's longer please let me know (not because I'm a tyrant, because it's hard to plan anything without knowing when others involved will be there.)
Mental case is u not me. Don't hang up while I'm talking please. It's normal to tell your spose how long ull gone. Not sure why you want to row about that. It's a very normal question.

Him: I have answered it about 20 times that's why,
Yes it's a normal question, asking it repeatedly is abnormal. I really don't understand what u are doing.

Me: Ah, I think I see what's might be going on in your mind. You are trying to orchestrate a row then feck off and get pissed, telling me I caused that to happen... Is that it? Grow up.
Because an hour seemed unrealistic to me, that's why.

Him:No I'm going for a pint for an hour maybe 90 minutes.

Ne:Fine. As before, if it's later, please keep me informed.

Him: I hope the question is finally answered so.
U need to seriously chill out, this shit can't go on. Have I ever complained if u have something to do for an hour. Cop on and let me live my life without feeling like I've got a gun to my head

Me:You could have just left it at previous text, not sure why you are trying to provoke again. No gun. Am chilled out. (you are obvious not) you answered question. I requested info if it changes. That's surely not unreasonable, or have you suddenly decided it is?

Him:I'm just telling you what it feels like being married to u

That's it, I'm not responding to that. It's suddenly upped a gear and I'm upset, it's not him.
I know it's not good, but why is he speaking to me like that? What the hell. I didnt even repeatedly ask him how long he'd be. I asked him if it's realistic and if we'd do something after. I don't know what to do or think.

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 16/05/2015 16:40

YAB completely U - hes going out for an hour, hour and a half. if its longer then so what. why would you sit around waiting? just go to your familys or go and do something else. not everything needs planned.

you say you don't like how he spoke to you. I can completely understand why he spoke to you that way - you were being completely unreasonable by keeping asking him about time - hes already answered you more than once. just because you keep asking isnt going to change his answer - all your doing is winding him up.

ltk · 16/05/2015 16:42

You 2 need marriage counselling and you need it bad.

If he hardly ever goes out then your line of questioning in those texts makes no sense. Why were you pestering him for a time? What was your motivation?

Hathall · 16/05/2015 16:47

I would have got so annoyed with dh if he'd questioned me like that.
It's not very often you catch up with a friend you've not seen for a while, and it doesn't seem like your dh does this very often, you should have just let him go without keeping on grilling him.
I think you need to learn how to let go a little bit. Are you a bit of a control freak on a day to day basis?

I think it would be nice if you texted him that you were sorry you went on a bit and have a nice time. Then have a chat at a convenient time about it.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 16/05/2015 17:00

You asked how it got to this but it's impossible to tell from this exchange because really the argument you had today made little sense. I understand you thought he would be longer but you could have easily said you would organise the rest of the day with the DCs on the assumption he wouldn't be back, meaning your DH could be with his friend.

Unless there is a history of him saying he'll do stuff as a family and then not showing up so it ruins your day? or there is a history of him dropping out of family plans at the last minute and you have to pick up the slack?

But really if there isn't that kind of history then I've no idea why you were so nitpicking about when he would be back. If you were meeting up with a friend that you hadn't seen in years wouldn't you prefer if your DH waved you off saying it didn't matter when you came back rather than try to tie you down to a time which they then didn't believe anyway?

TwerkingSpinster · 16/05/2015 17:08

Well, i stand by my 'yanbu'. You're not roomies, you're a married couple with kids. His refusal to fess up about the reality of his night out basically tethers you to the kids until he deigns to return (and then sober up). You can't plan to go out yourself as you dont trust him to be back. Its such a 'fuck you' attitude, and I'd be fuming too.

PoppyField · 16/05/2015 17:09

Hi OP,

I'm not clear - was the argument in your OP all conducted via text? That seems really odd to me if that's the case. They are very detailed and complicated texts which, in a live conversation, would be full of nuance and/or emphasis. That is what stands out for me.

Have you reached a point where it is impossible to have a 'live' conversation? No criticism, but if it has reached that point then your marriage is in crisis. If you feel that you cannot have a reasonable talk with your H, without it escalating into a horrible row in front of the dcs, then perhaps you do need to think seriously about whether you stay together.

As I say, it's not the content of your disagreement or whether he stays out all night (although that would be pretty disagreable) it's that you cannot risk a conversation about it. I know how that feels. That, to me, is the problem here.

Original poster
Sureimgrand · 16/05/2015 17:25

No, we had already argued aloud. I left the room then the texting started. I'm reading all your (slightly brutal) replies and will respond with some some detail later.
We have talked a bit since. Friend hasn't been in touch yet so he hasn't gone out yet.
Things are escalating more lately that for sure.

OP posts:
WhoNickedMyName · 16/05/2015 17:26

I feel claustrophobic just reading your OP. He told you at least 4 times that he'd be an hour to 90 minutes. He hardly ever goes out. You were clearly spoiling for a fight and from what I can gather in your first text to him, you do this every time he tries to go out.

Original poster
Sureimgrand · 16/05/2015 17:39

I don't though. He tries to create am argument before he goes out quite a lot . he did here too.
This all started with while we were discussing what to do for the afterboon.then his friend rang. He said, I'm meeting him ok. No apology, or asking or anything. Just telling me and being kinda defensive about it. Think that's what wound me up the most. I felt his attitude was dickish to start with. Think that's why I was so unreasonable from then on. No excuse I know.

OP posts:
BolshierAyraStark · 16/05/2015 17:43

Wow, how many times prior to the text argument did he tell you he'd be an hour-90 minutes? You sound hard work & I'd be pretty fucked off at being asked the same thing over again when i'd already given an answer. It's an old friend he hasn't seen for a while, leave him to enjoy his evening & find something to do with yours.

Bumpsadaisie · 16/05/2015 17:50

How did you feel about him going to meet his friend? I mean, were you REALLY Ok with it, or were you actually disappointed and/or annoyed deep down because your plans were going to change?

It sounds like you were and instead of saying that you grilled him to death!

Perhaps it might have bene better if you'd said "Well of course I'm disappointed as I'd been looking forward to spending time together, but on the other and I do see that you don't get to see this friend much. Let me know when you finish and we might be able to have a bit of time together as a family anyway?"

youmakemydreams · 16/05/2015 17:54

See again why she sits around waiting depends on how he would be if he was gone 90 minutes and she hadn't sat and waited.
In the case of my message above when I could see how it would get to this stage with my ex was that when I look back now it all feels like it was tests I couldn't pass. If the op sits and waits and he buggers off for the night I can see him saying what did you bother waiting for but if her and the dc go out and he's back after 90 minutes he will be complaining she didn't wait because he told her how long he would be regardless of having form for this or not.

TRexingInAsda · 16/05/2015 17:56

He told you 20 times and you kept on asking, I'd be really fucked off if it was me - although tbf, I'd never ditch my dh for an afternoon to go to the pub with someone I hadn't seen in years.

The texts are awful, it's like 2 people who really don't love, like or respect each other at all. I think you need to both decide if you do actually still love each other, and then you have to somehow learn to act like it again, and talk to each other like it. Maybe couples counselling? x

Original poster
Sureimgrand · 16/05/2015 17:59

Yeah bumpsadaisie , that's how it should have gone. That's what I would have liked to have got across instead of how it really went.
I've learnt a bit here. We are bringing out the worst in each other and it needs to stop. We know how to rattle each other, I think, too well. I would hate to spend the rest of my life with a building resentment.
I like to think I'm fairly self aware but it's amazing how when in the thick of it it's hard to see it for what itis
Thanks for the reality check.
Love mumsnet, even when you are all telling me what I am like!

OP posts:
Vivacia · 16/05/2015 18:03

I think you've had a really difficult afternoon, but you realised something wasn't right, and you've thought about it (including some harsh truths).

  1. I think you should send a quick text to him, that you're sorry, that you love him and that you hope he has a great time.

  2. I think you should give yourself some TLC this evening, in whatever way you can with children to manage.

  3. I think you two should have a heart-to-heart tomorrow. Talk about the things you want to change about you and what need to change in the relationship.

Viviennemary · 16/05/2015 18:09

On the face of it you do seem a bit unreasonable to tie him down to a time. He is going to see a friend he hasn't seen for years. He's not eight and you're not his Mum. I think you do sound a bit controlling and argumentative. Why could you not just say have a nice time and let's do something together next weekend. I couldn't bear somebody try to exert this much control over me.

larrygrylls · 16/05/2015 18:11

Personally, I find this a bit strange. If a friend rings me out of the blue and I have planned a family afternoon, I would ask my friend to join us, not just abandon my family. I think that would be very rude (and a terrible role model for my children).

Twinklestein · 16/05/2015 18:19

I think the posters here are taking his answer at face value.

Only you know whether he will only be 90 mins. If you both know that's rubbish, he will be gone all day and then have a 3 day hangover, I guess that's what you were trying to get him to admit with your questions?

Vivacia · 16/05/2015 18:24

Twinkle if someone gives you an answer you can't believe, you say, "I'm not sure that's realistic" you don't keep asking them to give you an answer.

Vivacia · 16/05/2015 18:28

Sorry Twinkle I sounded really bossy there. Trying to post and tidy up the kitchen after tea and I shouldn't try to do both.

Twinklestein · 16/05/2015 18:31

No worries I don't mind in the slightest.

Sometimes people don't always articulate what they really mean in circuitous domestic dingdongs... I'm just trying to work out whether this argument is about what it seems to be about...

BifsWif · 16/05/2015 18:38

You are being unreasonable. He answered you and you kept needling him.

Like a previous poster, I was getting annoyed just reading your texts.

ApplePaltrow · 16/05/2015 18:54

Larrygrylls comment is a bit disturbing.

So if an old friend called you and said I'm in town - wanna catch up, you'd think it was "rude" and a "bad role model" to meet up without your partner or child? Do people who make comments like this... have any actual friends? When I meet up with an old friend I just want to reminisce and catch up with them. I don't want to integrate them into the family unit. It's one thing if he's meeting with his friend's family but just two guys getting a drink? Not allowed without female supervision? That's just crazy.

larrygrylls · 16/05/2015 19:00

Apple,

I have plenty of friends whom I meet up with regularly by myself, but these are arrangements. I regard having a family afternoon also as an arrangement. I don't let people down. If that is disturbing to you, you must over value your right to have fun regardless of the impact on others.

popalot · 16/05/2015 19:04

I know where you're coming from OP, you knew he wasn't being realistic and just wanted him to be straight. I think that was a reasonable thing to want from him.

However, he isn't going to give you that answer. Better to just assume he'll be out late and have other plans. It's frustrating and makes you feel pretty low when you know someone isn't being honest with you and wants to make you sound like you are going mad asking them.

Sometimes we act a little crazy trying to get the answer out of them, but it's like getting blood out of a stone and you end up sounding like the bad guy (because it's a wind up talking to someone who keeps giving you the same answer even though you both know it's bollocks).

Best to just go 'ok, see you when you get back' and then plan something else if it's not regular occurance. If it's regularly happening then you need to consider a different plan of action.