Can I ask how a 'normal' person would feel about this minor thing?

[twirlypoo]

I feel a total idiot asking this, but I'm trying really hard to keep myself on track and need someone who has healthy relationships what they would do/ feel.

Quick background: I have always had abusive / ea relationships. Last one ended 4 yrs ago when I was pregnant, and I tried really hard with a years psychotherapy to sort out my reactions / self esteem so it doesn't happen again.

I've just started dating again after aforementioned 4 years break and have met up with lovely guy who's a friend of a friend. We are on date 4, and I really like him but am trying not to get ahead of myself.

Ds sees his dad once a month for the day and it's the only break I really get. I'd arranged to meet new guy on sat when Ds with his dad. We were meeting lunch time out then going back to his to watch films and get a take away on the evening.

He texted me last night to say he had been asked to watch football with his mates and now wouldn't be free till 5pm.

I feel really hurt like he's got a better offer and have replied quite breezily saying not to worry and I'll pass on seeing him and just meet my friends instead (a lie, I'd do housework ) and he says that's an over reaction and he would just meet me later on.

Am I right in what I did or am I over reacting? In the past I would have just said no probs I'll see you at 6 or something, but I'm trying to have self esteem and value my time.

Am I being a princess or was I right in reacting the way I did?

Sorry for massive post. I've been trying to figure this out since last night! (In case it's a factor, I do really want to see him, but not if its wrong thing!)

Btw re your title, blowing you off (for a crap alternative) wasn't minor. Regardless of any important current matches, you got it right when you said you wouldn't expect anyone to accept arranging to meet then deciding to see another friend instead.

Another one that says you have done the right thing.

So let's assume he had double booked an important work colleague, would be send a txt saying - 'I'll change the time to 5pm'. I doubt it. He would have made a call to discuss, tried to see if an alternative time was possible and if not stuck with the original plan. He hasn't even shown her basic courtesy.

He is treating you as he means to go on...My husband would not even do this now after 15 years. He would ASK me if it's ok.

I don't like his follow up texts either - no understanding at all of her feelings just an assumption she's grumpy!

Well done OP, your gut instincts worked well for you.

I'll put my neck in the line here.

If he is really into his football then it's make or break for a few teams in the premier league and the other league.

If it's his team that's playing a crucial match I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

#runs and hides

But Quitelikely, if it was a crucial game and therefore very important to him, he'd have known about it before he made arrangements to meet her.

Who needs a man who puts watching football on TV in the pub before their date. Just rude.

"Who needs a man who puts watching football on TV in the pub before their date. Just rude."

Exactly this. Don't be desperate, he's not good enough for you.

QuiteLikely, have you read the previous posts about this? If he was really that fussed he would already have made arrangements to see it.

"I'll put my neck in the line here.

If he is really into his football then it's make or break for a few teams in the premier league and the other league.

If it's his team that's playing a crucial match I would give him the benefit of the doubt. "

No, he doesn't get a pass for that one. The games haven't just been arranged yesterday. It's an important game, yes, but if he's a fan of either team he knew the fixtures before arranging to spend the day with OP.
Sorry

And I'm another who immediately thought "booty call" when he suggested coming round this afternoon. No shag Saturday night, try for one on Friday....

Moma, you're on the Ploughman's thread, right?

Handy for pub football, mind.

Don't give up your long eggs, OP!

mmm Gala Pie

I think HE has overreacted by calling you high maintenance, your response is completely normal- it is he who has been over the top.

Good - you are teaching him that if he wants to be in a relationship with a grown up woman, he needs to behave like a grown up himself.

Just sit back and enjoy your weekend.

If he persists, just tell him that you expect a man to stick to arrangements, and not blow you off for better offers, and if he puts mates and football in the pub before you just a couple of dates in, you are clearly not important and you dread to think about how he will treat you going forward. You simply don't want to waste your time. (Not that I should presume to advise you, you are spot on yourself!)

I wouldn't bother explsining your position any further OP.

Just say you will make arrangements to meet up with him next time you are free.
Enjoy your weekend.

That way you show him your time is precious and you show him you are not a booty call.

It is up to him if steps up.

Congratulations, OP. I think you definitely did the right thing there. As you say, you wouldn't do that to or accept that from a friend, particularly someone who doesn't get a babysitter very often.

I think you did exactly the right thing, too. And next time, look for an adult. Even he says that he's a big kid!

Uhh, no, this one is definitely not worth your time.

arsenaltilidie has his thinking process spot on, IMO.

He might be a laugh, but he isn't bothered about you, or about having a relationship with you. Look for someone who values you more.

I wouldn't stand for it.

By the 4th date my dh would have moved mountains to see me (ok a bit dramatic but you know what I mean), and nothing but an emergency would have stopped him from seeing me when it was arranged.

I really rate the book 'He's Not That Into You'. I hate books that tell you what you should and shouldn't do while dating because me and dh were texting loads from date 2 and were probably doing everything the books would say not to do, but 'He's Not That Into You' was spot on.

I respect myself and my time and I expect anyone I am hypothetically dating to do the same.

then twice when I have skivved work

You shouldn't skive work to see a man. Your work is important, it's important to you. In fact, in your situation your work is VITALLY important as it's the only thing that supports you and your family. If you skive off it to see a bloke for a second and third date (and shag him, too), you are telling him that he is life-and-death important to you. You are placing him ahead if your own fabulous work.

Do you see? Your attitude, your lifestyle should put you and your DC front and centre of your world. Men don't get to occupy that position, until you're very serious and they've proved their commitment.

And you shouldn't be texting him today, you should be out doing fun stuff. And you shouldn't be telling him off, explaining why you're upset. He KNOWS what he did wrong. Your behaviour and words don't match. Your words say "you treated me badly" but your actions are attention, attention, attention... Even on the very day he blew you out to see his mates. You're still texting him! Ugh.

Please read that Rules book. I guarantee it'll be painful reading to start with, but you will find it empowering over all.

I don't know whether you ended up caving and seeing him, but I really hope you didn't. You absolutely made the right decision in canceling. It's not about cutting your nose off to spite your face, at all.

Green light this sort of behaviour now, and it's all down hill from here.

But that's not even the issue. The issue is being blown out, last minute, at this early stage.

DH was 29 when we got together, and there's no way he would have ditched me for other plans this early on. Or ever. If he really wanted to watch a particular game, he would've included me in the plans, and if I hadn't wanted to do that, we'd have reverted to the original plan.

He seems like a bit of an immature 'lad', so if this is the type you've had trouble with in the past, then it probably is time to reassess.

You do deserve better.

I'd say your reaction was correct and his telling you that you over reacted is a red flag. Who is he to tell you about your behaviour? Blowing you off for the football is rude. So that's two strikes.

Third strike is that he is still texting instead of phoning you.

Possibly, I am old.

I think you did the right thing.

I like the phrase up thread "never prioritise someone who only makes you their option". I also have self esteem issues and I wish I'd lived by that mantra.

As a single parent I've had a handful of relationships which haven't been good enough. Lots of men, young, old, married, single see you as f-buddy material as a single mum. And it's true sometimes it's very hard to fit in a relationship that's any more than this. But now I've met someone who wants more and it's lovely. But my kids are 10 and 11 now so it's easier. What I'm trying to say is you will find better.

Apart from anything I can't stand it when people prioritise football.

Your free time is extremely precious. Don't waste it on him.

Ps I'd be doing housework too and would feel great after catching up on loads of jobs

It sounds to me like your instincts are working just fine. I would be really unhappy with both cancelling the plans without a discussion, and his "overreaction" comment.

Well done for stating your limits and not just sitting around waiting for him.

I don't think you need to give him a special explanation about why your time is so precious. He's not an idiot. He knew you were working around your DC.

It sounds like he's being apologetic, but if he hasn't actually offered to cancel going to the pub, the cynic in me might thing that he is trying to talk you around without changing his behaviour.

I would certainly see this as a dumpable offence if he did it a second time.

I think you absolutely did the right thing.

I don't like his passive way of trying to pass the buck by saying 'He's been asked to go down to the pub..", implying that the choice has been taken out of his hands. Instead, he should admit that he is actively choosing the pub over you.

He's not a man yet.