The male "mid-life crises" which seem to occur in our 40-ish year old DHs!

[ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands]

I have been reading a lot of threads about blokes of MNers who seem to go off the wall at around 40, have affairs, do out-of-character things and just generally do something (not necessarily an affair) that equates to distancing themselves from their kids/wives.

Even if I hadn't been reading the threads I would have come to the conclusion that this is something that a LOT of men do (again not necessarily an affair).. in fact, although I have never been one to generalise in a sexist way, the older I get the more I realise that there is SO definitely something in the whole Mars and Venus thing...

It seems to me that generally (not to be confused with "always without exception")..

Men lie much more easily than women

Men can very easily separate sex from love (even if they don't all act on it)

Men are generally more selfish than women

Can this be discussed? I am anxious to explore this!!

And apologies to male Mners who might be offended.. none intended, I am not talking about any specific men and you may well be one of the exceptions to the 'rule'.. I know they exist!

anniemac, I empathise entirely about expectations of sensible shoes and fleeces. Fatherhood is life-changing, but that doesn't mean we have to leave all of our previous lives behind. Sometimes I read on here about men being denied "boys' nights out" and weekends away and I think it seems a little churlish, especially when this is all they have left in the way of "fun". If you don't want your man to start chasing skirt and hankering after a Harley, let him off the leash occasionally!!

How do women's MLCs manifest themselves then? Taking up with younger men and buying shiny red sports cars?

"If you don't want your man to start chasing skirt and hankering after a Harley, let him off the leash occasionally!!"

Erm.. now my feminist hackles are rising a little.. even though you probably meant this tongue-in-cheek. But must just that say, firstly, in a balanced relationship. it shouldn't be a case of 'letting him off the leash'. he would preferably have the occasional/regular opportunity to go out/spend time with mates anyway, as should she.. and secondly, there is a helluva lot of difference between hankering after a Harley or similar.. and chasing skirt!!

My ex had the classic mlc - it was a little like living in a Simpsons episode on male menopause - all the clichés, the motorbike catalogues with pictures of a man and his bike and a vista, the shaved head look, the yearning for "before kids" crap, he even had a new cool way of answering his mobile (a sort of upbeat, Californian -style 'Heyyyy' thing). My friend's husband did too. I chucked out my dh and his BMW tourer. Her husband, post mistress and new baby, died after an accident on his Harley.

We all paid huge prices for their midlife hiccups.

My dad always poo-poo'd this whole 'mid life crisis' thing in his typical style and the whole marriage as prison concept.

'Want an easy life? DON'T HAVE KIDS!'

'Oh, but Dad, accidents happen.'

'Have a vasectomy and use a condom then. Or better yet, how about 'NO'? Excepting rape, that's always an option. How about a little self-control? Any of these bastards ever hear or think of that?'

As he put it, people who run out on their kids and family and blame it on something other than their own selfishness - abuse cases notwithstanding - were always just immature, selfish tits looking for an excuse.

The older I get, the more I agree.

MLC, my arse. Selfish twunt, more likes.

I suppose men who come to their senses, go back to their families (if allowed to!) and realise they have made a massive mistake can be seen to have had more of a MLC - not that their behaviour at the time can be seen as anything less than selfish and unacceptable.

Mine's definitely having his mlc. Met fell in love had an affair, now breaking us apart and for good measure having totalled his car has gone and bought a Jeep Wrangler - two person, kiddy unfriendly offroad vehicle. Sorry UnquietDad but I am not alone in having an H acting like this at the moment. Some may regret their actions, plenty on here will testify to that. As testosterone kicks in my eldest boy right now , does this mean that in mid-life their having another heavy dose of hormone or is it the disappearing hormones that make them act like this. Anyone have an idea?

well he's not 40 yet, but while I was PG he bought a trumpet and learnt to play it & fixed up an old bike to be a single speed and painted it pink. dread to think what he will get up to for an mlc at 40!

Sounds like a piece of work, Ali. Tell him, from me, that's he's really lucky to have you. B/c I'd have divorced his arse so face his head would be spinning and he'd have to steady his shaking hand as he signed over half his assets as part of the settlement. Not to mention the maintenance for the kids.

Sorry, I don't think a 'midlife crisis' is any excuse for acting like a c*nt.

My old boyfriend (City-earns loads of dosh yet most unmaterialistic man I know) is having one and discusses it regularly with me.

He is mid 40s,has fallen madly in love with a wild woman at work,and has bought a huge motorbike.

He acknowledges he is being an utter twat but can't help it.
Says he can see the light at the end of the tunnel,in sense that his journey through life past the halfway mark.

I feel sorry for him but sorrier for his wife and kids.

at ggglimpopo's ex dh's 'Heeeey' thing (whilst also very aware of what an utter arse he seems to be)

Quite Capp, re women too busy to have a bloody mid life crisis. Who's going to make sure the kids get to school while everyone's off riding fking Harleys and fantasising about being 20 then, hmmm? It pisses me off too. Sure, talk about being 40 and how you feel about it but spare me the 'oh poor me, it's so haaaard being 40' crap.

Mind you, I'll probably be back here in 10 years when dh turns 40 and leaves me and I'm a 50yo trying to deal with it with no fking hope of ever meeting anyone else, beign past my best and all

'He acknowledges he is being an utter twat but can't help it. '

How very noble of him.

Of course, he can't help it.

That would imply maturity and self-control.

'Whats this about women not having time for a MLC? There is always room for selfish behaviour. '

You're spot on again.

Yes there's always room.. and MLCs are NOT gender specific.. but I bet if a study was done, the percentage of men doing these things would be far higher..

Not sure I totally buy the "mums are too busy to have a MLC" line either.

I'm not 40 yet and I don't think I've had the MLC, but I imagine a lot of it is to do with self-definition. You have been something different every couple of years for the past decade or more - X's boyfriend, X's fiance, X's husband, then Y and Z's dad. I wanted to call across the playground to one of the other dads last week, and I realised I didn't know his name other than "G's dad" or "mate". Maybe the MLC is about realising that, suddenly, for the next 20 years at least (until you become a grandparent) you're not going to be anybody's anything any more, and you reclaim yor name and your identity and what it used to mean to you.

Sorry for ponciness, but it does make sense...

UQD, but mum's have that feeling too.. I think I experience it far more than DH tbh. I feel like I have been 'X'sMum' for 14 long years now.. and sometimes it gets to me too. The difference is,(and I do apologise if this sounds sexist.. my RL friends would be amazed because I'm NOT sexist.. but I am commenting on what I see as fact.).. the difference is, MOST mothers have to just 'get on with it'... they don't have a choice. And so they do. Look around.. this does SEEM to be the case in MOST cases.

Just as in MOST cases, in a relationship breakup, the mother gets the kids; indeed would fight long and hard for them if necessary. Where would they all be if she was preoccuppied with having an MLC?

I agree that calling it an MLC, as I have done, almost excuses it.. gives men a reason to do their own selfish thing for x amount of time.. (like 'road rage' almost legitises angry behaviour on the road) but fact is, a majority of men appear to do it spontaneously (MLC not road rage, altho maybe both ).. not because they think "ooh time for a mid life crisis, so I can a break from this whole family/husband thing for a bit.. it's expected of me, I would find it fun and liberating, so I'll do it...' The urge just comes upon them, they haven't thought it through.. and society, as things stands, allows them to, regardless of the effect on those around them.

*legitimises.. sorry.. typing too fast..

the only person I know who had a mlc was female. Her kids are still trying to recover. Her ex-h never will.

Don't think its gender specific, just think its to do with how selfish someone is.