DP- is he tight or am I just a princess?

[CotswoldQueen]

I have been with my DP for 2 years, we have a great relationship, I fancy him rotten, he is kind and caring, we get on great and he DOES make me really happy. I don’t know whether I’m just being a princess, trying to self-sabotage or what but sometimes it just seems like….well I don’t really know.

I guess I could start by saying that my long term ex was fabulous, we were together for 6 years, he was everything my current DP is but also generous and I was never in any doubt that he absolutely adored me and was my no 1 fan. Unfortunately, for me, the relationship just wasn’t what I wanted, I felt like we’d become more like best friends, I just didn’t want him sexually anymore, I absolutely loved the bones of him, but I was no longer in love with him so I ended it.

When I say he was generous, he would sometimes buy me random, thoughtful presents just because he thought I’d like them. He would always insist on paying when we went out and I would literally have to put the cash for my half into his jacket pocket etc when he wasn’t looking. He would love to celebrate our anniversaries, birthdays etc and would book surprise weekends away or take me out to dinner.

Don’t get me wrong, because he was generous to me, I wanted to be generous to him too and was, I used to spoil him on his birthday and on our anniversary’s etc. It was just nice, I know it’s materialistic but we both just enjoyed treating each other.

Cut to current DP, he has a very good, professional job, earns a lot of money and has a lot of disposable income. He, however, is a saver not a spender. He kinda counts every penny and just, I don’t know, I can’t really explain it but it’s like he resents spending anything on me?

We don’t live together, he has his own (large house) and I currently rent a cottage off a family friend. After paying for my rent, bills and paying off some debts and the animals, I don’t have a vast amount left over each month, enough to have a couple of nights out a month etc but not loads.

Whenever we go out for dinner, it always has to be split, down to the last penny. If I can’t afford to pay half then we (generally, there have been a couple of exceptions) don’t go. There is hardly ever an offer of ‘let’s go out to dinner tonight, I’m paying.’

I stay at his 3, occasionally 4 nights a week, but on the majority of those evenings I bring dinner for us both and wine for myself if drinking it. I clean his house (he is generally tidy but a typical man and can be a bit messy) help to look after his 2 dogs.

The other evening he made a hinting comment about how much toilet roll is being used lately with the 2 of us there, so I said I’d bring some round next time I’m there. A few weeks ago he was going to Tesco and I asked him if he could pick me up some make up remover wipes and deodorant as I had ran out of both, he did. They came to a total of £4.90 and he reminded me about that £4.90 within about 15 mins after getting back, I was going to give him the money FGS but it’s £4, I’m sure he’s not going to go bankrupt if he doesn’t get it within the hour.

I will often pay for things if we go out and he’ll say ‘I’ll transfer you half when we get back.’ And I say ‘It’s fine, it’s only £10 FGS’ The other week we went to the cinema, there was a massive que and I said ‘I’ll get the tickets, why don’t you get in the que for the popcorn.’ He said ‘No it’s fine, the film doesn’t start for another 15 mins yet, we’ve got plenty of time’ So, we finally get to the front and it’s so awkward as before I can say anything he goes ‘Ticket for one please to see XXX.’ The cashier looked really embarrassed, looked at us both and repeated ‘Just the one ticket?’ to which I jumped in before he could say anything and said ‘YES and one for me please too after he’s paid for his.’ We then went to the que for food, I stood in front of him and said ‘I’m going to get a medium, mixed popcorn.’ He then said ‘So how much is that, £3.56, I’ll give you the £1.78 when we get home.’ I had had enough at this point as the couple stood behind us (same couple that had stood behind for the tickets too) I could tell were aghast and snapped IT’S FINE, I CAN TREAT YOU TO SOME BLUMMIN POPCORN!! He looked a bit sheepish but said no, I owe you it, I’ll pay half, which he did!

We had a talk when we got home that night as he could tell I was annoyed, I said we are in a relationship, I do not want to quibble over £1.78 etc, and count every penny, it’s ridiculous and embarrassing. He said okay, let’s take it in turns to pay for things. Fine, but it really is mostly rigid with that and he even keeps a ‘diary’ of who has paid what, it just feel so…… unromantic?? I don’t mind blummin paying for him and treating him to things because I love him, I don’t expect half back etc or for him to rigidly ensure he treats me the next time.

The thing is, although he’s careful with his money he will OCCASIONALLY be generous with me, i.e get the bill if we go out, or the cinema tickets etc but it will be only be occasionally. He is generous to other people in his life, we had his brother and his wife down a few weeks ago and when they arrived on the Friday evening, he took us all out for a 3 course dinner and paid for the lot, same when his parents and friends have visited, in fact, he is pretty generous with his family and friends? He gave his brother a cheque for £8k when they were last down, to put into his two nephew’s trust funds. I felt an enormous rush of love for him when he did this, it was such a lovely, lovely thing to do.

He also went out and spent £30k on a boat a few weeks ago, so it’s really not like he doesn’t like spending money. He definitely doesn’t mind spending on his hobbies etc, he’s just not into frivolous spending I guess but also, doesn’t yet, seem to want to be generous when it comes to me?

Despite all said above, he is unbelievably kind, caring, supportive, good and generous in bed. He looks after me when I am ill, washes and cleans my car for me randomly when I’m not expecting it, has spent all day when I was on a girls day time cocktail/shopping trip fixing my car and the sole of a boot of mine that had broken, he cooks me dinner, brings me tea and toast in the morning at the weekends, gives me lifts if I need them, supports me in my hobby, is lovely to my friends and family. He is pretty perfect, but, for some reason I just don’t feel comfortable with him re money.

I am aware this post makes me seem like a mercenary gold digger, I promise you I’m not. I really do, I think I have just been really lucky with my ex in that he was an all-round nice guy and generous to boot. I have now met another all-round nice guy but he just tirelessly counts and records every penny when it comes to us and our relationship and I am starting to wonder whether this will continue (given that he is generous with his friends and family) and if so, whether it is a deal breaker for me. He has been vocal about wanting kids and we have talked about the future, I have absolutely no doubt that he would be generous with his children and they would want for nothing…but what about the mother of his children? We haven’t moved in together yet, again he’s hinted but at the moment I am failing to see how it would work, I have cheap rent where I am at the moment, if he expected me to pay half of everything, I would have about £100 a month leftover to pay for things like haircuts, nights out, clothes etc. I would struggle. I would end up resenting him.

TwoLittleTerrors, you say you are tight with your money. Can I ask you:

Would you (in the OP's situation, where you are seeing someone for a couple of years) have bought single cinema tickets?
Would you have split the cost of the popcorn?
Would you expect a frequent visitor to your house to bring food and wine?
Would you expect a frequent visitor to your house to bring toilet rolls?

I'd definitely dump a man for suggesting I took loo rolls to his home.
And I'd say the same about a woman.

It is so unattractive I agree. I hate that behaviour even in a friend. In Ireland when I was young it used to be very hard to pay for anything when out with mates because everyone would start fighting to pick up the tab. In Mexico it's not quite so extreme, but it is considered very bad manners to start divide up a small bill or ask for small amounts of money back.

Why are you in debt, OP?

I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt because if I were him, I'd be concerned about your debt.

Do you ever talk about your debt?

But even so, I'd be pretty offended he is so vulgarly generous with his nephews, but squabbles with you over £1.78. I couldn't tolerate that.

I believe in equal relationships with both parties paying their fair share but that absolute penny pinching is too much. I would not be comfortable entering a serious relationship with someone who kept tabs on things like that. Owing you £1.72 etc...that's just odd. Imagine if you had children with him and he begrudged them using too much toilet roll, or he didn't want to pay extra money when you're stuck at home on maternity leave, it'd be a nightmare.

Wow! I'd really struggle in this situation! My DH is pretty careful with money. We move around a lot as forces family and it takes me time to reapply for jobs and get one etc, and he will tell me I can't go out as we don't have the money etc which I understand, but he will always give me his card for shopping and ask no questions. It seems to me that he's got trust issues. Its not a relationship you have. More like a business arrangement! You need to be honest and frank before any babies are involved!

Hmm there are shades of my DH here. But, when we met I was the higher earner and challenged it straight away and had the "power" until he overtook me.

To be fair he still (25 years on) keeps envelopes with notes of his daily spends and really enjoys noting it and comparing it to the envelope from 1 year, 2 years, 6 years ago. He keeps 7 years worth and compares the one he throws away with the one on top every day .

His parents were like the OP and her boyfriend all their married lives and it was miserable. DH was the result of that sort of relationship and I have turned him round a bit and because I had the upper hand at the beginning knocked a lot of it on the head.

He still comes out with some corkers occasionally but I (and now the older teenagers) laugh and tell him to get over himself.

He is a very good, kind, moral man. We have never had a joint bank account and when I gave up work when the childre were babies I paid for everything on a monthly basis and gave him a bill at the end of every month with a total. He then gave me a cheque. He never ever questioned one penny that I spent on the home or the children or on me. On the other hand I am also quite cautious about spending.

I do get it OP and I have had to learn to understand that my DH is the product of his rather dysfunctional parents but because the man underneath is very very good it has been possible to deal with it. It also helps that we have similar attitudes to money. However, I never get a bunch of flowers or an impromptu gift or gesture. He will also resist dinners out with just the two of us (fine if it's with clients and for business) on the basis that I am an exquisite cook and what is the point of paying a lot of money for dinner for two when I can produce as good if not better for a fraction of the price. Doesn't really bother me.

He has also bought some pretty big "toys" without consultation over the years but to be honest it is overlookable because we have never gone without to fund it. He has no hesitation in paying £2,500 or more for a school trip and just saying "fine" or sending one of his sisters a few thousand if they drop hints to say they are beyond skint. If we have a little break for the two of us he will try and suggest a cheaper option - 2/3 star or look up the cheap cottages before looking at the nice ones but knows now that I won't stand for it.

If he is a good man I think you can live with it but you must set your boundaries and challenge him sooner rather than later.

Zigahzigah there isn't a chance in hell that a woman who expected her partner to bring bog roll over because she begrudged paying for more would be anything other than pilloried on here. The same with the cinema tickets stunt. There's nothing wrong with having very separate finances, it's probably sensible when the other party has debt, and there's nothing wrong with going dutch even when there's a large disparity in incomes either. But what this man is doing goes beyond that. Penny pinching to that extent just isn't acceptable, especially when OP is more than paying her share in terms of both food and housework. He sounds pathological. The comment about the ex being a gold digger is a bit of a red flag too. Because either it's true, so he's going to have real trouble getting past that and trusting another woman to split finances with him. Or it's not, in which case he has some extremely warped ideas. Neither possibility is very attractive.

You're missing my point. A women getting involved with someone who has debt would be advised to tread very carefully.

Someone below implied the poster's bf should be chipping in to pay off her debt.

Generally there are a lot of double standards going on.

However I agree the extreme penny pinching with loo rolls etc is ridiculous.

Are you implying then that they are to be wary because I could be a gold digger zigazag??

Just because I have debt, does not make me a gold digger. I have a fairly well paid job, I support myself and my life fully, without the help from a man. I don't need that to change. I am not after his money, more his trust in me regarding his money. I would never, ever dream of going mad and spending someone else's money. I am not than type of person and after 2 years with me, he should know that?!

Hell, after 2 years with him, if I was a gold digger or after his money, I think id have given up the ghost by now!

We're on page 9 of this thread and only ONE person has posted to give an example of a man helping his wife to pay off her debt. No-one (not even than poster) has said that this man should be paying off his partner's debt. I think the PP was just giving the example to show the contrast between the kind of generosity that can exist and the kind of penny pinching there is here.

I think the advice would be the same if the genders were reversed. I think calling women "gold diggers" is sexist. Calling a man stingy when he buys himself a £30k boat and won't buy his partner a cinema ticket is not sexist, it's common sense FFS.

This issue is gendered though. There is still a gender pay gap, so it's more likely that a man will earn more, so I expect this scenario exists more often when it's this way around. There is also the issue of a woman giving birth and being dependent on her partner for at least a short time and maybe more if she is the primary care giver (which is still more common than men doing it).

I wouldnt even want to be friends with someone this tight, male or female.

I read pg 1 earlier so apologies if the thread's moved away from the original premise.
I came out of a relationship where I was seen as obsessed with money. In truth I was with someone who had debt collectors calling and I became obsessed with his debts and inability to stay anything close to solvent.
I started seeing dh. He too had been in a relationship with someone who left debts behind them. He'd been more affected by her debts than I was by xh

Jesus wept - he is pathologically stingy. There are some completely ridiculous posts on this thread. You cannot put up with this shit. Please LTB!

Sorry! Pressed post by accident.
When we started seeing each other he would keep account. I was the higher earner and quicker to trust so I didn't keep track of every penny. However we did sit down every six months and reconcile his 75p here versus my £20 here. I would only remember the big amounts whilst he counted every penny. After 4 years of this when he ended up owing me a hundred quid each time we agreed to stop it. We have a far more trusting relationship now.
My point is that if he's perfect in every other way then do tackle it with facts. Sometimes he flashes the cash. Sometimes you do. Don't resent it but every so often look at the bald figures and he may see the bigger picture.

Oh. I may have missed the boat...

^ Yeah this is definitely a case of RTFT

He is not careful, He is a tight arse, Id kick him to the kerb if it was me as he wont change. I can't be done with guys like that,

Luckily my husband is the complete opposite.

I will tomorrow Emma and revise as appropriate
Will it be a ltb?

Cotswold Queen - no, I wasn't implying (or expressly saying for that matter) anything of the sort.

I'm actually sort of defending your bf a bit while everyone else is saying LTB because he wants things to be paid for equally at the moment (at a time when you don't live together, don't have children and aren't married).

The loo roll stuff is ludicrous, of course.

Giddy that's definitely the consensus (and my opinion) but there are a few who think the OP is a "gold digger" because she has debts (which she doesn't expect him to pay btw, just so we're clear) and because she wants to be able to go to the loo in his house (which she cleans!!) without having to pay a loo paper surcharge. That's about it I think!

He's outrageously tight, especially as if he has £30k to spend on a boat £1.78 really can't mean much to him at all (or he shouldn't have bought the boat). I know they say 'count the pennies and the pounds look after themselves' but come on! Of course he's entitled to live his life like that, but I couldn't be doing with it.

I know many couples who go 50/50, but usually a more relaxed turn about or rough split, not out with the copper coins and the pocket calculator!

Personally, after 2 years and talk of commitment in the future I would be expecting a bit more 'sharing'. Not necessarily to be lavished with gifts, but certainly more trust and not literally counting the pennies at this stage. It doesn't bode well for the future OP.

When DP and I met he had more income than me (and did until I was about 26/27 iirc). He's naturally cautious but what I liked was that he recognised I had less and so while we did turn about, he would e.g. choose a nicer restaurant for his turn, or bring a nicer wine for a home cooked meal. There was no pressure or expectation and I never felt 'guilty' that I couldn't keep up. Of course 50/50 is fine, but I would worry about the future tbh in this case & with this much penny pinching.

He wrote a cheque for 8k for his nephews, but stood at the front of the fkn cinema queue and bought one ticket. I did, on one occasion, end a relationship by saying 'I am going home now and I never want to see or hear from you again'. This would have been enough to prompt me to say it again.

So, what do you think you are going to do, CotswoldQueen?

I wonder if you are the other extreme and fritter money away? Get into debt easily.

Buying cinema tickets separately and asking for deodorant cash seems over the top however maybe it comes on the back of him feeling taken advantage of?

He is a generous guy with blood relatives but he seems to like to use cash in a more meaningful way where it can be an investment.

Can you ask him how he visualises your life with children? Your role? What will happen on maternity leave when you have little income?

Having kids together, it's usual to tighten the financial belt. I've learnt since having children that we don't need to spend cash to have a good time.