DP- is he tight or am I just a princess?

[CotswoldQueen]

I have been with my DP for 2 years, we have a great relationship, I fancy him rotten, he is kind and caring, we get on great and he DOES make me really happy. I don’t know whether I’m just being a princess, trying to self-sabotage or what but sometimes it just seems like….well I don’t really know.

I guess I could start by saying that my long term ex was fabulous, we were together for 6 years, he was everything my current DP is but also generous and I was never in any doubt that he absolutely adored me and was my no 1 fan. Unfortunately, for me, the relationship just wasn’t what I wanted, I felt like we’d become more like best friends, I just didn’t want him sexually anymore, I absolutely loved the bones of him, but I was no longer in love with him so I ended it.

When I say he was generous, he would sometimes buy me random, thoughtful presents just because he thought I’d like them. He would always insist on paying when we went out and I would literally have to put the cash for my half into his jacket pocket etc when he wasn’t looking. He would love to celebrate our anniversaries, birthdays etc and would book surprise weekends away or take me out to dinner.

Don’t get me wrong, because he was generous to me, I wanted to be generous to him too and was, I used to spoil him on his birthday and on our anniversary’s etc. It was just nice, I know it’s materialistic but we both just enjoyed treating each other.

Cut to current DP, he has a very good, professional job, earns a lot of money and has a lot of disposable income. He, however, is a saver not a spender. He kinda counts every penny and just, I don’t know, I can’t really explain it but it’s like he resents spending anything on me?

We don’t live together, he has his own (large house) and I currently rent a cottage off a family friend. After paying for my rent, bills and paying off some debts and the animals, I don’t have a vast amount left over each month, enough to have a couple of nights out a month etc but not loads.

Whenever we go out for dinner, it always has to be split, down to the last penny. If I can’t afford to pay half then we (generally, there have been a couple of exceptions) don’t go. There is hardly ever an offer of ‘let’s go out to dinner tonight, I’m paying.’

I stay at his 3, occasionally 4 nights a week, but on the majority of those evenings I bring dinner for us both and wine for myself if drinking it. I clean his house (he is generally tidy but a typical man and can be a bit messy) help to look after his 2 dogs.

The other evening he made a hinting comment about how much toilet roll is being used lately with the 2 of us there, so I said I’d bring some round next time I’m there. A few weeks ago he was going to Tesco and I asked him if he could pick me up some make up remover wipes and deodorant as I had ran out of both, he did. They came to a total of £4.90 and he reminded me about that £4.90 within about 15 mins after getting back, I was going to give him the money FGS but it’s £4, I’m sure he’s not going to go bankrupt if he doesn’t get it within the hour.

I will often pay for things if we go out and he’ll say ‘I’ll transfer you half when we get back.’ And I say ‘It’s fine, it’s only £10 FGS’ The other week we went to the cinema, there was a massive que and I said ‘I’ll get the tickets, why don’t you get in the que for the popcorn.’ He said ‘No it’s fine, the film doesn’t start for another 15 mins yet, we’ve got plenty of time’ So, we finally get to the front and it’s so awkward as before I can say anything he goes ‘Ticket for one please to see XXX.’ The cashier looked really embarrassed, looked at us both and repeated ‘Just the one ticket?’ to which I jumped in before he could say anything and said ‘YES and one for me please too after he’s paid for his.’ We then went to the que for food, I stood in front of him and said ‘I’m going to get a medium, mixed popcorn.’ He then said ‘So how much is that, £3.56, I’ll give you the £1.78 when we get home.’ I had had enough at this point as the couple stood behind us (same couple that had stood behind for the tickets too) I could tell were aghast and snapped IT’S FINE, I CAN TREAT YOU TO SOME BLUMMIN POPCORN!! He looked a bit sheepish but said no, I owe you it, I’ll pay half, which he did!

We had a talk when we got home that night as he could tell I was annoyed, I said we are in a relationship, I do not want to quibble over £1.78 etc, and count every penny, it’s ridiculous and embarrassing. He said okay, let’s take it in turns to pay for things. Fine, but it really is mostly rigid with that and he even keeps a ‘diary’ of who has paid what, it just feel so…… unromantic?? I don’t mind blummin paying for him and treating him to things because I love him, I don’t expect half back etc or for him to rigidly ensure he treats me the next time.

The thing is, although he’s careful with his money he will OCCASIONALLY be generous with me, i.e get the bill if we go out, or the cinema tickets etc but it will be only be occasionally. He is generous to other people in his life, we had his brother and his wife down a few weeks ago and when they arrived on the Friday evening, he took us all out for a 3 course dinner and paid for the lot, same when his parents and friends have visited, in fact, he is pretty generous with his family and friends? He gave his brother a cheque for £8k when they were last down, to put into his two nephew’s trust funds. I felt an enormous rush of love for him when he did this, it was such a lovely, lovely thing to do.

He also went out and spent £30k on a boat a few weeks ago, so it’s really not like he doesn’t like spending money. He definitely doesn’t mind spending on his hobbies etc, he’s just not into frivolous spending I guess but also, doesn’t yet, seem to want to be generous when it comes to me?

Despite all said above, he is unbelievably kind, caring, supportive, good and generous in bed. He looks after me when I am ill, washes and cleans my car for me randomly when I’m not expecting it, has spent all day when I was on a girls day time cocktail/shopping trip fixing my car and the sole of a boot of mine that had broken, he cooks me dinner, brings me tea and toast in the morning at the weekends, gives me lifts if I need them, supports me in my hobby, is lovely to my friends and family. He is pretty perfect, but, for some reason I just don’t feel comfortable with him re money.

I am aware this post makes me seem like a mercenary gold digger, I promise you I’m not. I really do, I think I have just been really lucky with my ex in that he was an all-round nice guy and generous to boot. I have now met another all-round nice guy but he just tirelessly counts and records every penny when it comes to us and our relationship and I am starting to wonder whether this will continue (given that he is generous with his friends and family) and if so, whether it is a deal breaker for me. He has been vocal about wanting kids and we have talked about the future, I have absolutely no doubt that he would be generous with his children and they would want for nothing…but what about the mother of his children? We haven’t moved in together yet, again he’s hinted but at the moment I am failing to see how it would work, I have cheap rent where I am at the moment, if he expected me to pay half of everything, I would have about £100 a month leftover to pay for things like haircuts, nights out, clothes etc. I would struggle. I would end up resenting him.

I think the real problem is you two have very different attitudes towards money.

I actually had a boyfriend like this once. He was good looking, kind, considerate and we had great (in fact fantastic) sex but he was tight with money in this way. In the end I just couldn't deal with it. As someone said, there is nothing wrong with it per se, but I just hated it found it beyond embarassing. Eventually I stopped fancying him almost entirely (though not completely) because of his attitude to money.

My dh now like a bargain and Ds and I joke about that quite a bit but somehow it OK with DH because he is fundamentally very generous with me and DS both with money and time. He is quite tight when it comes to spending household money on things though and always looks for "value" over quality in my opinion Somehow that is OK because it is always for things outside of "us". He will try and save every penny on his clothes and shoes and on household purchases (we sometimes argue about that). But when we go out there is no way he would try and scrimp on a date out or on holidays or try to split things to the last penny. We have joint account now anyway so not relevant any more, but he never did that even in our early days together.

It is actually a deal breaker for me but may not be for others.

I had an ex who did the loo roll thing. He would refuse to buy any and would run out of it overnight.

He would time me in the shower and shout and moan if i took longer than three minutes.

I would buy ice cream to put in his freezer and he begrudged buying electric so the ice cream would melt and get wasted. He begrudged buying food at all. He once had a go at me because i couldnt make it over to his one weekend because i was ill and he had already bought a packet of pasta.

It doesnt get better OP.

Blimey reading your Op has made me realise how lucky I am that DP isn't like this. I don't say that very often.

I can't stand that amount of penny pinching and having to pay you back 10 pence if he owes you. Op it would drive me nuts. I edge away from friends like this let alone a partner.

I don't see how anyone could jump from finicking about £1.78, to you being a gold digger, OP.

Peeking and pining about pocket change is silly ( unless you are in dire straits financially - when of course it's a matter of survival.) Doing so around a loved one or friend is simply miserly. Most of us can keep a subconscious idea of what's fair, and share accordingly, without going into penny details for every single transaction.

The strangest thing here though, is that he's spent £30k on a boat! There's something odd there. In your position, I would have another talk with him to discuss the penny pinching, especially in the context of such wealth: it just doesn't make sense.

It's your call, but I couldn't live with this foible. I'd let him find someone else who enjoyed watching the pennies as much as he does.

From what you say OP he's not actually tight - he's not tight with his family or himself, he's only tight with you.

That tells you where you are on his list of priorities: fairly low.

I'm not convinced his ex really was materialistic, I think he's paranoid, a bit unconsciously misogynist, and doesn't want to spend any of his money the woman in his life.

His ex probably complained about his tightness too (who wouldn't!) and that's why he labelled her a gold-digger.

He once had a go at me because i couldnt make it over to his one weekend because i was ill and he had already bought a packet of pasta.

Why oh why is he an ex? [deep sarcasm]

Ime people who are tight with money are also tight with love... they don't like giving things away for free and that's essentially what love is...

Sorry just to spell out the implication of my post above: he loves himself and his family, does he love you...?

Ah, pasta. That expensive substance not easy to divide into smaller portions which goes off the day you buy it.

What a bellend!

The things that jump out at me are:

• He's mean but generous to his family, that's worse than being tight all the time as it shows he understands how to treat others, but chooses not to be like that with you.

• He spent £30k on a boat and handed over £8k to his nephews but quibbles over the price of loo roll !

Don't have a child with this man ever, unless you plan to keep on working f/t so you can buy your own toiletries and tampons. He isn't going to change.

If you want to test the water ask him what he would expect you to pay bill wise if you moved in. This will tell you what you need to know. If he wants 50% then you'd be an absolute fool to do it.

Can we christen him 'one sheeeet' please Op?

That tells you where you are on his list of priorities: fairly low.

On that point, my wise old Granny used to say if you want to know what someone cares about, look where they spend their money.

She meant it terms of substance v. appearances but I think it applies here.

Actually I'm really tight with my money so I know where he comes from.

You seem feckless with your mention of debt. I would never marry anyone coming in with debt. Unless it's mortgage or student loan.

It's a case of you two not suiting each other. I don't see a future for you two.

FYI DH and I are both savers. I'm very comfortable with the fact we don't get each other lavish gifts.

That would put me right off eventually.

There's nothing wrong in expecting a boyfriend to be generous with you. Just as you are generous to him. I think your friend's relationship is the right way to go - it's not about the amount of money spent, it's about being emotionally generous. A man who quibbles over every penny and who expects you to share the cost of loo roll ffs, is not emotionally generous. Meanness of spirit is such an unattractive trait. It's often said on here but he's telling you who he really is and you should listen.

You are being ground down by his attitude already and you haven't even gotten into the whole marriage and kids thing. Do you want to spend the rest of you life looking at your friends relationship and feeling sad and envious because yours doesn't measure up.

I say run while you still can!

"Yes, he told me that his ex partner turned out to be a bit 'money orientated' (is his expression) , expected him to pay for everything and after only 6 months, wanted them to move in together and her give up her job, which apparently was only part time anyway!"

This rings warning bells: he's given you one-sided information which may or may not be accurate. I'd put money on a completely different story from her.

Does "wanted them to move in together" mean she was asking him, or is it just what he "thought she was after in his Fantasy Land"?

I dated someone who was Ok in some ways but seemed to think that I secretly wanted to move in with him by stealth?

(which given my work/life situation would have been completely unfeasible and illogical - I think he wanted to delude himself that an attractive woman was secretly after his £30k salary and heavily mortgaged flat).

I think he had socialised too long/his family was full of chavvy misogynists, his father included, who kept repeating the message that all women were desperate Bridget Jones characters out to "get" and "catch" men

(again, bizarre, given that HE wanted kids and I'm childfree by choice with the long term contraception to ensure I can concentrate on work)

"next!"

My experience of men who think all women are after their (often not actually THAT high salaries) is they tend to have this weird misogynistic worldview and manipulate the facts to fit it.

Your using five sheets to wipe your arse is evidence of what a gold digging bitch you are IN HIS HEAD!

Meant to add that my lovely sil was terrible with money when she was younger and had a lot of debt when she met my brother. My brother has worked hard to help her clear those debts. Once they were in a ltr he viewed them as shared debts. There is no way he would have bought a 30k boat while she had outstanding debt. That's the relationship you deserve - a man for whom you are a genuine partner in life. Don't settle for less.

It's actually interesting that he's given all that cash to his MALE relatives: I wonder if he'd do the same for a niece? Or if he's tight with male friends? Would he take them out on the boat for free but expect OP to pay her way?

The guy I dated: one comment he used was "my dad says my mum will be "jealous"" of me owning my own flat".

I didn't socialise with them first hand they sounded like chavs but his best male friends had stories about how they "caught" by these women into having a baby (no, no-one told me Durex had been made illegal in the UK either).

I think there's a certain type determined to see the world as men together and women as these greedy bitches out to spoil their fun (and their toilet roll, too)

Yeah been there done that on the 'joint debt' thing. Got totally shafted. In retrospect wouldn't pay off anyone else's debt.

Yes, this bloke is nitpicking in a ridiculous way over loo roll and £1.78 but it is not unreasonable that he is wary (if indeed he is wary) of someone who is a spender when he is a saver.

Feel some of the comments are skewed by gender - it's okay for a guy to play the white knight but no one would advise a woman on these boards to pay off her boyfriend's debts.

I would find that so unattractive in a man. My ex had a spreadsheet to record every penny spent, it was ridiculous. The £1.78 thing would have made me cringe

He spends money on his family because he thinks they are worth it, they're family. He doesn't consider you family, one of his loved ones, you are an outsider. Tight people are generally tight with everyone to some extent. He is very generous with himself, and those he considers part of him.

I would be getting out of this relationship quickly.

Oh hell no, I would run for the hills! It must seriously suck the fun out of everything having your partner quibbling over loose change, it would do my head in.

Zigzag I was about to post something very similar but you've said it for me.

I do feel this is all a bit sexist...if a man posted along these lines about his girlfriend being tight and not lavishing him with presents, I imagine he'd be told to man up. And to get a better job to pay off his debts.

I can't see this has been suggested for the OP.

I've outearned several Exs. I never thought I should pay for them. Nor have I expected to be subsidised when I'm the one in the less well paid role.