DP- is he tight or am I just a princess?

[CotswoldQueen]

I have been with my DP for 2 years, we have a great relationship, I fancy him rotten, he is kind and caring, we get on great and he DOES make me really happy. I don’t know whether I’m just being a princess, trying to self-sabotage or what but sometimes it just seems like….well I don’t really know.

I guess I could start by saying that my long term ex was fabulous, we were together for 6 years, he was everything my current DP is but also generous and I was never in any doubt that he absolutely adored me and was my no 1 fan. Unfortunately, for me, the relationship just wasn’t what I wanted, I felt like we’d become more like best friends, I just didn’t want him sexually anymore, I absolutely loved the bones of him, but I was no longer in love with him so I ended it.

When I say he was generous, he would sometimes buy me random, thoughtful presents just because he thought I’d like them. He would always insist on paying when we went out and I would literally have to put the cash for my half into his jacket pocket etc when he wasn’t looking. He would love to celebrate our anniversaries, birthdays etc and would book surprise weekends away or take me out to dinner.

Don’t get me wrong, because he was generous to me, I wanted to be generous to him too and was, I used to spoil him on his birthday and on our anniversary’s etc. It was just nice, I know it’s materialistic but we both just enjoyed treating each other.

Cut to current DP, he has a very good, professional job, earns a lot of money and has a lot of disposable income. He, however, is a saver not a spender. He kinda counts every penny and just, I don’t know, I can’t really explain it but it’s like he resents spending anything on me?

We don’t live together, he has his own (large house) and I currently rent a cottage off a family friend. After paying for my rent, bills and paying off some debts and the animals, I don’t have a vast amount left over each month, enough to have a couple of nights out a month etc but not loads.

Whenever we go out for dinner, it always has to be split, down to the last penny. If I can’t afford to pay half then we (generally, there have been a couple of exceptions) don’t go. There is hardly ever an offer of ‘let’s go out to dinner tonight, I’m paying.’

I stay at his 3, occasionally 4 nights a week, but on the majority of those evenings I bring dinner for us both and wine for myself if drinking it. I clean his house (he is generally tidy but a typical man and can be a bit messy) help to look after his 2 dogs.

The other evening he made a hinting comment about how much toilet roll is being used lately with the 2 of us there, so I said I’d bring some round next time I’m there. A few weeks ago he was going to Tesco and I asked him if he could pick me up some make up remover wipes and deodorant as I had ran out of both, he did. They came to a total of £4.90 and he reminded me about that £4.90 within about 15 mins after getting back, I was going to give him the money FGS but it’s £4, I’m sure he’s not going to go bankrupt if he doesn’t get it within the hour.

I will often pay for things if we go out and he’ll say ‘I’ll transfer you half when we get back.’ And I say ‘It’s fine, it’s only £10 FGS’ The other week we went to the cinema, there was a massive que and I said ‘I’ll get the tickets, why don’t you get in the que for the popcorn.’ He said ‘No it’s fine, the film doesn’t start for another 15 mins yet, we’ve got plenty of time’ So, we finally get to the front and it’s so awkward as before I can say anything he goes ‘Ticket for one please to see XXX.’ The cashier looked really embarrassed, looked at us both and repeated ‘Just the one ticket?’ to which I jumped in before he could say anything and said ‘YES and one for me please too after he’s paid for his.’ We then went to the que for food, I stood in front of him and said ‘I’m going to get a medium, mixed popcorn.’ He then said ‘So how much is that, £3.56, I’ll give you the £1.78 when we get home.’ I had had enough at this point as the couple stood behind us (same couple that had stood behind for the tickets too) I could tell were aghast and snapped IT’S FINE, I CAN TREAT YOU TO SOME BLUMMIN POPCORN!! He looked a bit sheepish but said no, I owe you it, I’ll pay half, which he did!

We had a talk when we got home that night as he could tell I was annoyed, I said we are in a relationship, I do not want to quibble over £1.78 etc, and count every penny, it’s ridiculous and embarrassing. He said okay, let’s take it in turns to pay for things. Fine, but it really is mostly rigid with that and he even keeps a ‘diary’ of who has paid what, it just feel so…… unromantic?? I don’t mind blummin paying for him and treating him to things because I love him, I don’t expect half back etc or for him to rigidly ensure he treats me the next time.

The thing is, although he’s careful with his money he will OCCASIONALLY be generous with me, i.e get the bill if we go out, or the cinema tickets etc but it will be only be occasionally. He is generous to other people in his life, we had his brother and his wife down a few weeks ago and when they arrived on the Friday evening, he took us all out for a 3 course dinner and paid for the lot, same when his parents and friends have visited, in fact, he is pretty generous with his family and friends? He gave his brother a cheque for £8k when they were last down, to put into his two nephew’s trust funds. I felt an enormous rush of love for him when he did this, it was such a lovely, lovely thing to do.

He also went out and spent £30k on a boat a few weeks ago, so it’s really not like he doesn’t like spending money. He definitely doesn’t mind spending on his hobbies etc, he’s just not into frivolous spending I guess but also, doesn’t yet, seem to want to be generous when it comes to me?

Despite all said above, he is unbelievably kind, caring, supportive, good and generous in bed. He looks after me when I am ill, washes and cleans my car for me randomly when I’m not expecting it, has spent all day when I was on a girls day time cocktail/shopping trip fixing my car and the sole of a boot of mine that had broken, he cooks me dinner, brings me tea and toast in the morning at the weekends, gives me lifts if I need them, supports me in my hobby, is lovely to my friends and family. He is pretty perfect, but, for some reason I just don’t feel comfortable with him re money.

I am aware this post makes me seem like a mercenary gold digger, I promise you I’m not. I really do, I think I have just been really lucky with my ex in that he was an all-round nice guy and generous to boot. I have now met another all-round nice guy but he just tirelessly counts and records every penny when it comes to us and our relationship and I am starting to wonder whether this will continue (given that he is generous with his friends and family) and if so, whether it is a deal breaker for me. He has been vocal about wanting kids and we have talked about the future, I have absolutely no doubt that he would be generous with his children and they would want for nothing…but what about the mother of his children? We haven’t moved in together yet, again he’s hinted but at the moment I am failing to see how it would work, I have cheap rent where I am at the moment, if he expected me to pay half of everything, I would have about £100 a month leftover to pay for things like haircuts, nights out, clothes etc. I would struggle. I would end up resenting him.

To be honest the use of 'princess in your title is a bit

I believe he sounds tight but I'm beginning to think you may be ever so slightly presh.

I'm also a little confused by your myriad of generous exes.

Think you've had some great advice on here.

It looks like the last three are different types of twats (some might say hoofwanks) but they are still all twats and not good enough as partners.

Remember that even the worst people have good points. You have to choose if you are capable of putting up with their bad points.

Finding ....that's just what I was thinking

I mentioned generous and rich as it is in context with this thread. I wouldn’t normally list someone’s attributes in a financial sense.

But TBH, this may have a lot of do with it anyway. I will openly admit on here that my exes have all had money, I will openly state that that is just a coincidence and a symptom of the social circles I mix in, NOT because I’ve sought it.

However, I have been lucky in that my exes have all been pretty generous (with the first being probably ridiculously generous) and I guess that’s set a bar for anyone else I now date. They can fall underneath that, of course they can, I don’t mind, the generosity of others was nice, but not a necessity. However, I don’t feel like this relationship falls below that bar a bit, I feel like, my first DP for instance and my current one are PLANETS apart in terms of generosity!

Anyway, I’m bowing out now, I will update when I have an update!

You may need to look at what types of men you are choosing as partners.

The first one had all of it going for him but you went cold. Then you moved on to twats, but you still wait to see what happens, waited for an emotionally cold partner to cheat on you, etc. Are you enjoying the challenge?

What do you expect from this particular relationship? How do you see it moving on?

Some good points there Lweji.

"It is what it is" as the women in my local area would say.

All sparkles and tinsel on the outside and counting sheets of toilet roll on the inside.

You want someone to tell you he will live up to the promise? He won't. And most women on here are speaking from experience. Again, see the example of the MIL above.

Oh gawd, you are still not getting it OP, I think you are probably over whelmed that we all basically agree with your opening post - you know and we all know he's a stingy bastard, sorry but I don't know how many times you have to hear it, there's 21 pages of it!

So your b/f's were rich compared to Mr Skin Flint, in other words, they didn't charge for the use of their bog roll.

I'm bowing out too, you are insistent on making out this man is good and kind, his actions say the complete opposite, but you carry on kidding yourself on that you have any kind of future with a penny pinching old scrooge.

Whether he is Scrooge McDuck or not isnt really relevant OP.

I agree with PP that this just sounds like basic incompatibility. You enjoy doing different things, have different expectations and view finances within a relationship completely differently.

So either you accept that this is how it is always going to be, or you try to change him which would be a fools errand as I very much doubt he would change his views anymore than you would or you accept that this is a dealbreaker and move on.

How old are you both? What is the difference in your income? Do you assume that you'll always earn less than him, or are you just at an earlier stage in your career?

I think there are loads of red flags for me in everything you've posted about both of you. Personally, I couldn't cope with being in a relationship with someone who asked me to bring toilet paper. But i also would never be in debt, and would be cautious about being in a relationship with someone who was.

If you think he's lovely, and kind, and you want to be with him long-term, then I suggest you sit down and seriously think about what the future will hold financially.

It might help start a really useful conversation if you could say to him: at the moment, I understand that it makes sense for us to keep our finances separate, but I want to be sure we have the same view of our finances long-term. I don't think we should move in together until I have cleared my debts. I don't think we should buy property together until we're married, but I do want us to have a joint account for expenses and after we're married, I would expect us not to distinguish between who contributes what. I'm aware that because of my debts/different career path I will never have the same earning capacity as you, but long term I imagine I want to have a joint account with both of us agreeing purchases over x amount and having around x amount for personal spends. However this would involve you ultimately contributing more financially than me: is this something you can imagine in the long term? (Obviously the details should be whatever you think; you may think he should have more personal spends until you have children for example.)

At least that way it would demonstrate you have thought about it.

In my case, DP used to earn a LOT more money than me, then re-trained for a lower-earning but more rewarding job and earned nothing and lived off savings for a few years. The end result is we both earn about the same amount now, and have about the same in savings (his were much higher, but then he lived off them, mine have slowly accumulated). While he was earning nothing, we still split everything 50/50 by putting money in a joint account: his logic was retraining was his choice so I shouldn't subsidise it and we weren't married (We had been together 3 years at that point and were living together soon after). When we moved in together I paid some extra discretionary bills like the superfast broadband, but its only now we're planning our wedding we've merged our savings.

We have at all points had really frank, open conversations about money - about if one of us would go part-time when we had children, about making sure we didn't assume my career would suffer just because I earned less, about making sure that neither of us sacrificed anything financially we couldn't afford to lose until we were legally committed to each other.

That may sound unromantic, but it doesn't mean we didn't both buy each other presents etc. And it meant there was no simmering resentment, which is clearly building up.

On a larger point, if he is into staying home and doing nothing, and you want to go out, I think you should consider that as something that will only grow long-term. Honestly if given the choice between spending 20 quid on the cinema, or going for a walk and eating icecream and renting something on itunes for a fiver, I would probably make that choice unless there was something I really wanted to see. If I was in debt, I would definitely make that choice. The fact you aren't may be a red flag to him and driving his behaviour.

Or not - he really may just be tight, and if it wasn't for everything else you've described, that would be what I'd assume. I witnessed a friend's husband asking her for the £5 she owed him once for picking something up in boots. I was - I never, ever want to be in a relationship like that, and he's not much better now they have kids and she's at home as he's the one who decided they don't really need a tumble drier, etc etc. I think you need to start having the conversations now to find out if its a particular fear he has in relation to your history with money that he's dealing with really badly, or if its genuine how he is as a person, because I promise you if its just how he is, it is not going to get better.

I witnessed a friend's husband asking her for the £5 she owed him once for picking something up in boots. I was shock - I never, ever want to be in a relationship like that, and he's not much better now they have kids and she's at home as he's the one who decided they don't really need a tumble drier, etc etc.

This is exactly what is going to happen to whoever marries the OP's guy.

I actually don't believe in having a conversation with a partner about this. I think when you're dating you should watch how someone behaves and if you don't like it, move on.

What's the point in saying, "You're a tight bastard, you won't let me use toilet paper" when all he'd do is apologise, buy you a pack of two as a treat and then go back to normal?

You can't change someone's nature and you shouldn't think of trying to. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to do that.

OP, you also need to think about how you feel about your own finances. Have you unconsciously chosen someone who's tight with money around you because you don't feel you have as much control over your spending as you would like? Do you feel you need someone to tell you off when you spend more than you mean to? That is an area of vulnerability that financial abusers will zone in on, and - whether you have actual money problems or just don't feel in control of your resources - the answer to those feelings is to work on your own financial self-sufficiency. Not to expect anyone else to sort it out for you, either by treating you, bailing you out or not 'allowing' you to spend anything on yourself.

Actually that is right.

Wether he is rich or poor, or a scrooge, is a red herring.

A decent well mannered human being would not make a point about the need for toilet roll! There seem to be an innate resentment that OP has needs, and that she should use something of his.

The least well off from all my friends is the only one who keeps persistently treating me, and going out of her way for me. So, it has become reciprocal. HER generous heart has led the way. My friends in multimillion homes with a holiday budget of 50k+ per year has not even treated me to a coffee! It is about outlook, rather than expectations. It is about thinking what one can do that is GOOD for somebody, rather than being resentful, and balancing everything on a weight scale of pennies.

To go further out on the tangent....

My wealthy friend A's son broke my dvd player, and she laughed it off saying "kids, what are they like" - No offer to replace. She stayed at mine for a weeks holiday with her kids, enjoyed my hospitality, and did not think to once pay for a meal out for us. I shopped, I cooked, and when we were out, we split the bills.

Out on a weekend trip with wealthy friend B, her son suggested the kids play blindfold darts, and her son hit the window with a dart so it broke. Wealthy friend suggested we split the cost of a new tudor stained glass window for the pub, after all, the kids were playing together.

Poor friend C cooked me a tree course dinner on the day I moved house. She painted my kitchen while I was away. She has a key to my home and decided to refurbish my Victorian fireplace, because she knew how. She brought me bicycles and gear her kids have outgrown.

Friends A and B have the financial means to be generous, but they are not. Friend C struggle to make ends meet, and she is kind and generous to a fault.

It is not about whether they are rich or poor, but whether they have kind hearts. Being rich does not mean that it is obvious that they will want to spend their money or time on others.

Verance your comment about the tumble drier has reminded me of something my mum told me years ago. It was about a couple she and my dad used to see occasionally. This was back in the "80s. The man in the couple worked and refused to buy a hoover/vacuum cleaner. His wife had to go round the carpets of an entire three bedroomed house with a dustpan and brush. Because he certainly wasnt going to

As a kid i remember thinking how ridiculous this was. As i got older i realised it was financial abuse.

OP Please read the linked thread i linked in earlier upthread. It has loads of experiences on there including that of a woman who was still having to wear her maternity bra 3 years after giving birth and only had one pair of shoes with holes in. Many ppl advised her to get a job. But she wouldnt have made a good impression in an interview with holey shoes. (my advice to her was to turn up at her husbands work as a romantic "surprise" Because sometimes shaming ppl who wont listen is sometimes the only avenue left open.

Once in a situation like this its damn hard to get out of it.

Quint: that's the nub of it. Generosity is about spirit not income.

Some of the most generous people I know are the least well off.

Generosity generally goes with kindness, consideration and unselfishness as traits.

The reason that you are on here OP, is because your boyfriend is a skinflint, if you didn't think so you wouldn't have posted.

Most posters agree with you.

Just be honest and tell him what you really think, because he really is taking the piss. He's treating you like a dodgy business partner, not his girlfriend.

It's offensive and you should be offended, and he should care that you're offended.

I don't know if the tight sod ever buys you flowers, so have some on me.

Will she talk to dp or not....
Will she get the answer she wants....
Marking place

I sort of sense that you chose this man because he is the exact opposite of the one before. My dd had a really unpleasantly jealous boyfriend for three years, then she went for one who was not jealous at all which is great, except he was extremely uncaring.

The toilet roll thing was weird.

He reminds me of my husband actually. Except the toilet roll issue.

When we met twelve years ago, he was like that. Paying for his cinema ticket, for his drink at Seattles Best, etc. He had a good job. I was a medical student so I did not really have a lot of money, but my dad gave me allowance so at times, I'd pay for both of us just to avoid being embarrassed when we, say, buy our own ticket etc. He was also very generous to his family - paying for everything, etc.

After a year though, I graduated from med school. My dad passed away suddenly. Then he started treating me to everything. Out of his own volition. LOL. I remember he said, "don't worry, I'd take care of you." And he's done that since.

We got married 2.5 years ago (yes it was a looong relationship, with break-ups in between which didn't seem to stop us from communicating and caring for each other) and it's still the same set-up, even when we were both working. My money was mine and mine alone. He paid for everything. I had a small income though, compared to his. But still, he even paid for my credit cards and phone bills, etc! My money was, like, my allowance.

Right now I am not working. And he's happy providing for me still. He says just do whatever you want, even if you don't work, just be happy.

So I guess my point is, being stingy with money doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing (again, except for the comment about the toilet thing and the popcorn too actually). If you love him, talk to him. He could be really a tightwad and selfish (well at least to you; in which case I'd leave him) but he could also just be making sure the relationship is serious, and then he'd loosen up.

Goodluck, OP. Let us know how it goes.

Oh, also, an ex (from many moons ago - we're friends now) who earns $$$ as an ER Doctor in the US said he's never going to be taken advantage of financially by anyone. And yeah, now that I think about it, he wasn't generous too. LOL. So maybe there are just people like that. Maybe men with more $$$ are more wary about being used for money or something.

I definitely don't like him saying you're using up his toilet paper, though.

I'm surprised that you are not looking at your future financial situation careful. At the moment, cost of a movie ticket or buying food for 2 people is affordable and probably not worth giving up on an otherwise good relationship. But you might struggle if you were to split all costs of running a household in the long run. You both need to be on similar wages to do a fair 50/50 split.

OP - you have a Golden Opportunity right now - an unmissable opportunity = FGS = take this opportunity Now to concentrate on paying off your debts... . You have a lovely BF who is happy to stay in/do free things with you, so if he is as decent as you think he is, then he will understand and (emotionally not financially) support you in this effort. He may admire you for doing it and he may feel a lot better about your relationship and trust in you more. Once you have paid off your debts, you will feel a lot better about yourself. You can then see if your relationship has improved, and whether your own attitude to money has changed or not.

It seems as if you saving and paying off your own debts will not jeopardise this relationship if you save and don't do expensive things for a few months or however long it takes. SO Pay Off Your Debts. DO IT NOW.