DP- is he tight or am I just a princess?

[CotswoldQueen]

I have been with my DP for 2 years, we have a great relationship, I fancy him rotten, he is kind and caring, we get on great and he DOES make me really happy. I don’t know whether I’m just being a princess, trying to self-sabotage or what but sometimes it just seems like….well I don’t really know.

I guess I could start by saying that my long term ex was fabulous, we were together for 6 years, he was everything my current DP is but also generous and I was never in any doubt that he absolutely adored me and was my no 1 fan. Unfortunately, for me, the relationship just wasn’t what I wanted, I felt like we’d become more like best friends, I just didn’t want him sexually anymore, I absolutely loved the bones of him, but I was no longer in love with him so I ended it.

When I say he was generous, he would sometimes buy me random, thoughtful presents just because he thought I’d like them. He would always insist on paying when we went out and I would literally have to put the cash for my half into his jacket pocket etc when he wasn’t looking. He would love to celebrate our anniversaries, birthdays etc and would book surprise weekends away or take me out to dinner.

Don’t get me wrong, because he was generous to me, I wanted to be generous to him too and was, I used to spoil him on his birthday and on our anniversary’s etc. It was just nice, I know it’s materialistic but we both just enjoyed treating each other.

Cut to current DP, he has a very good, professional job, earns a lot of money and has a lot of disposable income. He, however, is a saver not a spender. He kinda counts every penny and just, I don’t know, I can’t really explain it but it’s like he resents spending anything on me?

We don’t live together, he has his own (large house) and I currently rent a cottage off a family friend. After paying for my rent, bills and paying off some debts and the animals, I don’t have a vast amount left over each month, enough to have a couple of nights out a month etc but not loads.

Whenever we go out for dinner, it always has to be split, down to the last penny. If I can’t afford to pay half then we (generally, there have been a couple of exceptions) don’t go. There is hardly ever an offer of ‘let’s go out to dinner tonight, I’m paying.’

I stay at his 3, occasionally 4 nights a week, but on the majority of those evenings I bring dinner for us both and wine for myself if drinking it. I clean his house (he is generally tidy but a typical man and can be a bit messy) help to look after his 2 dogs.

The other evening he made a hinting comment about how much toilet roll is being used lately with the 2 of us there, so I said I’d bring some round next time I’m there. A few weeks ago he was going to Tesco and I asked him if he could pick me up some make up remover wipes and deodorant as I had ran out of both, he did. They came to a total of £4.90 and he reminded me about that £4.90 within about 15 mins after getting back, I was going to give him the money FGS but it’s £4, I’m sure he’s not going to go bankrupt if he doesn’t get it within the hour.

I will often pay for things if we go out and he’ll say ‘I’ll transfer you half when we get back.’ And I say ‘It’s fine, it’s only £10 FGS’ The other week we went to the cinema, there was a massive que and I said ‘I’ll get the tickets, why don’t you get in the que for the popcorn.’ He said ‘No it’s fine, the film doesn’t start for another 15 mins yet, we’ve got plenty of time’ So, we finally get to the front and it’s so awkward as before I can say anything he goes ‘Ticket for one please to see XXX.’ The cashier looked really embarrassed, looked at us both and repeated ‘Just the one ticket?’ to which I jumped in before he could say anything and said ‘YES and one for me please too after he’s paid for his.’ We then went to the que for food, I stood in front of him and said ‘I’m going to get a medium, mixed popcorn.’ He then said ‘So how much is that, £3.56, I’ll give you the £1.78 when we get home.’ I had had enough at this point as the couple stood behind us (same couple that had stood behind for the tickets too) I could tell were aghast and snapped IT’S FINE, I CAN TREAT YOU TO SOME BLUMMIN POPCORN!! He looked a bit sheepish but said no, I owe you it, I’ll pay half, which he did!

We had a talk when we got home that night as he could tell I was annoyed, I said we are in a relationship, I do not want to quibble over £1.78 etc, and count every penny, it’s ridiculous and embarrassing. He said okay, let’s take it in turns to pay for things. Fine, but it really is mostly rigid with that and he even keeps a ‘diary’ of who has paid what, it just feel so…… unromantic?? I don’t mind blummin paying for him and treating him to things because I love him, I don’t expect half back etc or for him to rigidly ensure he treats me the next time.

The thing is, although he’s careful with his money he will OCCASIONALLY be generous with me, i.e get the bill if we go out, or the cinema tickets etc but it will be only be occasionally. He is generous to other people in his life, we had his brother and his wife down a few weeks ago and when they arrived on the Friday evening, he took us all out for a 3 course dinner and paid for the lot, same when his parents and friends have visited, in fact, he is pretty generous with his family and friends? He gave his brother a cheque for £8k when they were last down, to put into his two nephew’s trust funds. I felt an enormous rush of love for him when he did this, it was such a lovely, lovely thing to do.

He also went out and spent £30k on a boat a few weeks ago, so it’s really not like he doesn’t like spending money. He definitely doesn’t mind spending on his hobbies etc, he’s just not into frivolous spending I guess but also, doesn’t yet, seem to want to be generous when it comes to me?

Despite all said above, he is unbelievably kind, caring, supportive, good and generous in bed. He looks after me when I am ill, washes and cleans my car for me randomly when I’m not expecting it, has spent all day when I was on a girls day time cocktail/shopping trip fixing my car and the sole of a boot of mine that had broken, he cooks me dinner, brings me tea and toast in the morning at the weekends, gives me lifts if I need them, supports me in my hobby, is lovely to my friends and family. He is pretty perfect, but, for some reason I just don’t feel comfortable with him re money.

I am aware this post makes me seem like a mercenary gold digger, I promise you I’m not. I really do, I think I have just been really lucky with my ex in that he was an all-round nice guy and generous to boot. I have now met another all-round nice guy but he just tirelessly counts and records every penny when it comes to us and our relationship and I am starting to wonder whether this will continue (given that he is generous with his friends and family) and if so, whether it is a deal breaker for me. He has been vocal about wanting kids and we have talked about the future, I have absolutely no doubt that he would be generous with his children and they would want for nothing…but what about the mother of his children? We haven’t moved in together yet, again he’s hinted but at the moment I am failing to see how it would work, I have cheap rent where I am at the moment, if he expected me to pay half of everything, I would have about £100 a month leftover to pay for things like haircuts, nights out, clothes etc. I would struggle. I would end up resenting him.

Gralick - I think what you are saying below holds if you are "partners" i.e. if you live together etc

However I am not sure the OP's bf sees things like that yet, and actually that may be the root of the issue.

If I have no immediate plans to cohabit with my bf, then why should I subsidise his lifestyle? Does my failure to do that make me a financial abuser? No. A bad girlfriend? Don't think so. Plus - just because someone earns more than you doesn't necessarily mean they have more disposable income than you.

Different (of course) once you are at the point of building a life together.

The issue (deep down) is perhaps that the OP feels they are getting to that stage - the stage where they should be pooling resources - while her bf is not quite seeing it like that yet.

I will stop commenting now though, as I think I am being irritating!

I think your partner is treating you very badly. And his comment about loo roll leaves me aghast. I would not want to live with a man like this. When you have clear warning signs, don't ignore them.

zigazigah - The OP is actually paying out more at the moment, despite earning much less. How is that fair?
And I regularly buy coffee or treat friends with not much money when we are going out. Why would you treat a partner of 2 years any differently?

I do feel he is keeping me at arm’s length generosity wise when it comes to money and finance.

Yes, but only you. Not so much himself or other people. You.

Does he keep tabs on friends when going out as a group?

He sees life as a series of checks and balances, doesn't he? Or at least, he does as far as you are concerned. I just don't understand how you can tell us that he's monitoring your use of loo roll and yet insist he has other marvellous characteristics.

It's very interesting that he gave such a large amount of money to his nephew/niece when you were there and when you are clearly struggling with money and make sure you know how much he's giving. It's also interesting he will buy such a luxury for himself as a boat and tell you how much it cost.

I think he sounds really horrible, based on the loo roll and the gifts. As for the cinema tickets and popcorn, I would have left the cinema and dumped him on that day. This is not a man who cares for you - this is a man who, based on nothing at all, is scared you are trying to rip him off. He's awful.

I take your points, zig, and I agree that the overriding issue is that he's quite plainly keeping her at arm's length. Asking for a single cinema seat was equivalent to holding up a poster saying "I'm not with her!"

Obviously the petty penny-grabbing is revolting, especially in counterpoint with his rampant generosity elsewhere. It may well be part of the distancing/excluding thing he's got going on, or he may be a financial abuser training his victim. Doesn't look good either way.

Going back to the general principle: I used to earn stupid money. I doubt I ever had a partner with a bigger income. So, if I fancied having dinner with my boyfriend at one of the expensive restaurants my friends & I frequented, or popping over to Barcelona for the weekend with him, I'd pay. I'd say he could treat us to a Chinese next time, and let him pay for the drinks in Spain. That's common sense to me, otherwise I'd have been living two separate lives for the sake of not spending money on my boyfriend.

It could be worth reading the Love Languages book because some people do definitely equate giving /receiving gifts and material stuff (meals out) as romantic. My husband does. Initially it used to annoy me that he would buy me a necklace or something sparkly or a nice bag when we didn't have much money. After more than a decade, though, I appreciate (money allowing) that he thinks of me in a romantic, even glamorous light, and thinks I look great, even though I am a little saggier and baggier. Others may prefer a more practical or verbal expression of love and emotion. I think it's silly to dismiss material sharing altogether though, there are many ways to make a person feel special, but counting how much food they eat or how much toilet roll is used is not it.

The thing is DP isn’t all the extravagant, he doesn’t really want to go out all that much, I push him too because I don’t want to sit about watching TV all the blummin time and want to socialise!! He is definitely of the mindset that ‘You don’t have to spend money to have a good time.’ And would rather go and buy discounted meat at Tesco and get all his friends around for a BBQ or dinner than go out to a restaurant and spend money.

That is fine in principal, but it gets a bit wearing, especially when it’s a Saturday night and he says to me ‘What would you like to do?’ If we don’t have plans with friends (which to be fair quite often we do) then I tend to just say ‘I’m happy just watching a DVD’ or ‘I’m happy just taking the dogs for a long walk and then settling down with a big tub of B & Jerrys and glass of wine.’

And that’s fine, but sometimes, I do say ‘Let’s go to the cinema, let’s go out for dinner.’ Because I genuinely FEEL like going out, it would be nice if he took the lead for once and instead of saying ‘what do you want to do tonight.’ And probably hoping I’ll say ‘let’s just sit in/walk dogs/ go for a walk’ or whatever so neither of us has to spend any money, instead say ‘I’m taking you out for dinner/ to the cinema tonight.’

Agree completely gralick.

I'm not sure why people are saying that he's just careful with money. He clearly does spend - just not on the OP.

In relation to equating romance and love with money. I don't think that the OP comes across as shallow or materialistic. Spending money (if you have it) is a physical manifestation of your regard for another person. It would not matter so much if he was equally tight with himself and his own family.

Op you stated previously that he spends money on his hobbies. In your last post you're making it sound even more like he doesn't want to spend on activities that involve you (meals out, cinema, etc)

‘I’m happy just taking HIS dogs for a long walk and then settling down with a big tub of B & Jerrys and glass of wine which I have bought myself.’

Everything you write makes it sound worse really, it seems to be just embedded in his thinking all the time, he's hoping not to go out with you to save money, or he's hoping his friends will like his discounted meat BBQ and not want to go out for dinner. He really does have huge money issues and I don't quite see this as a flaw that you could overlook, as it would be visible every single day when you go to shop, or go out, or need household goods.

I do really like the idea actually of what a poster suggested earlier on in the thread that we each put £100 a month or whatever into an envelope or account and that is OUR ‘spends’ for the month, purely for meals out, cinema etc and once it’s gone it’s gone. That’s fair then and saves the embarrassment/hassle of who pays for what when out?

I might speak to him about that this evening and suggest, for now, going forward this is what we do?

Blimey, there is nothing like calling your friends over for an impromptu BBQ because you found meat in the bargain bucket at Tescos!

Are you sure he is not scrooge mc duck?

I do really like the idea actually of what a poster suggested earlier on in the thread that we each put £100 a month or whatever into an envelope or account and that is OUR ‘spends’ for the month, purely for meals out, cinema etc and once it’s gone it’s gone. That’s fair then and saves the embarrassment/hassle of who pays for what when out?

I might speak to him about that this evening and suggest, for now, going forward this is what we do?

You would like weekends away and presents as a sign of love. He won't even give you free toilet roll.

He likes to stay in, while you like to socialise.

Do you feel you are well matched?

Or, to make it even more fair, suggest you both take 5% of your monthly salary.....

We do the % thing too Quint. It works well for us.

The idea of a BBQ is not odd in itself. We often have big family BBQs as its cheaper than eating out and a great way to socialise if there are lots of you (rather than having to lean across restaurant tables to chat)

The discount meat thing is odd (he can afford a £30k toy).

Yep, what Quint said!

I'm giving up on you, Queen. You seem remarkably keen to do yourself down, expecting little and determined to be happy with even less.

Good luck with your talk - I'm interested to hear how it works out! And hope you dump his selfish arse.

Cotswold he'll probably bite your hand off, because you'd then be paying way more of your % salary than him into spends!

The plain fact is, he likes staying in and saving money. You like going out and spending money. I don't even think he's really in the wrong, nor are you, but you are clearly not very compatible. He also doesn't sound flexible and I think if you start pushing it money-wise, you may well find his supportive nice nature goes out the window.

But as everyone says, it's up to you, your life, if you are happy with discounted meat, one cinema ticket and very few holidays, sitting in with his dogs, mess and paying for your own dinner, who are we to stop you!

Good to know that only people with money to provide treats have manners!

But thats the point. Partners with far less dosh manage to be generous at the level they can afford to, and to accept similiar efforts. No, he doesnt have to pay for more of everything overall, but it wouldnt break him to spend at his earning level, instead of hers, which is the best you can say about him. This guy makes trying to keep things 'even' into awkward territory with constant calculations to the penny if hus cash is involved, but casual acceptance if only hers is being spent. She could say 'I'll get this.' 20 times in a row and he still wouldnt say, 'oh, no, my turn this time!' He splits it, or accepts a meal, but doesnt often offer full payment.

If he behaved totally the opposite, always topping up everything she offers to buy to bring it up to his level, never accepting her lower contribution as a gracious offering on her part, that would be just as off putting.

I worked in one of the poorest parts of the country and people were more generous than this man.

Oh my this just gets worse, doesn't want to go out as he might spend money, instead buys nearly out of date meat for a BBQ round at his - his mean-ness is quite astounding!

So, he never actually takes you out for a meal or a day out anywhere - not unless you suggest it and not unless you have the money to pay your own way - he really is a catch OP, isn't he not.

Agree with above, you are selling yourself incredibly short, is he a great lover cos that's the only reason I can imagine you want to stay with him.

YY to the % thing.

It works for us and is the fairest way. I'll add that I earn the higher salary.

He's mean with money and he's mean with his time too. Who wants to go out and enjoy yourself when you can save money/energy/time/breath, stay in and watch tv?

He must be amazing in bed to make up for all this, personally I find these characteristics very unattractive.

If I were you OP I would not regard this as a long term prospect.