DP- is he tight or am I just a princess?

[CotswoldQueen]

I have been with my DP for 2 years, we have a great relationship, I fancy him rotten, he is kind and caring, we get on great and he DOES make me really happy. I don’t know whether I’m just being a princess, trying to self-sabotage or what but sometimes it just seems like….well I don’t really know.

I guess I could start by saying that my long term ex was fabulous, we were together for 6 years, he was everything my current DP is but also generous and I was never in any doubt that he absolutely adored me and was my no 1 fan. Unfortunately, for me, the relationship just wasn’t what I wanted, I felt like we’d become more like best friends, I just didn’t want him sexually anymore, I absolutely loved the bones of him, but I was no longer in love with him so I ended it.

When I say he was generous, he would sometimes buy me random, thoughtful presents just because he thought I’d like them. He would always insist on paying when we went out and I would literally have to put the cash for my half into his jacket pocket etc when he wasn’t looking. He would love to celebrate our anniversaries, birthdays etc and would book surprise weekends away or take me out to dinner.

Don’t get me wrong, because he was generous to me, I wanted to be generous to him too and was, I used to spoil him on his birthday and on our anniversary’s etc. It was just nice, I know it’s materialistic but we both just enjoyed treating each other.

Cut to current DP, he has a very good, professional job, earns a lot of money and has a lot of disposable income. He, however, is a saver not a spender. He kinda counts every penny and just, I don’t know, I can’t really explain it but it’s like he resents spending anything on me?

We don’t live together, he has his own (large house) and I currently rent a cottage off a family friend. After paying for my rent, bills and paying off some debts and the animals, I don’t have a vast amount left over each month, enough to have a couple of nights out a month etc but not loads.

Whenever we go out for dinner, it always has to be split, down to the last penny. If I can’t afford to pay half then we (generally, there have been a couple of exceptions) don’t go. There is hardly ever an offer of ‘let’s go out to dinner tonight, I’m paying.’

I stay at his 3, occasionally 4 nights a week, but on the majority of those evenings I bring dinner for us both and wine for myself if drinking it. I clean his house (he is generally tidy but a typical man and can be a bit messy) help to look after his 2 dogs.

The other evening he made a hinting comment about how much toilet roll is being used lately with the 2 of us there, so I said I’d bring some round next time I’m there. A few weeks ago he was going to Tesco and I asked him if he could pick me up some make up remover wipes and deodorant as I had ran out of both, he did. They came to a total of £4.90 and he reminded me about that £4.90 within about 15 mins after getting back, I was going to give him the money FGS but it’s £4, I’m sure he’s not going to go bankrupt if he doesn’t get it within the hour.

I will often pay for things if we go out and he’ll say ‘I’ll transfer you half when we get back.’ And I say ‘It’s fine, it’s only £10 FGS’ The other week we went to the cinema, there was a massive que and I said ‘I’ll get the tickets, why don’t you get in the que for the popcorn.’ He said ‘No it’s fine, the film doesn’t start for another 15 mins yet, we’ve got plenty of time’ So, we finally get to the front and it’s so awkward as before I can say anything he goes ‘Ticket for one please to see XXX.’ The cashier looked really embarrassed, looked at us both and repeated ‘Just the one ticket?’ to which I jumped in before he could say anything and said ‘YES and one for me please too after he’s paid for his.’ We then went to the que for food, I stood in front of him and said ‘I’m going to get a medium, mixed popcorn.’ He then said ‘So how much is that, £3.56, I’ll give you the £1.78 when we get home.’ I had had enough at this point as the couple stood behind us (same couple that had stood behind for the tickets too) I could tell were aghast and snapped IT’S FINE, I CAN TREAT YOU TO SOME BLUMMIN POPCORN!! He looked a bit sheepish but said no, I owe you it, I’ll pay half, which he did!

We had a talk when we got home that night as he could tell I was annoyed, I said we are in a relationship, I do not want to quibble over £1.78 etc, and count every penny, it’s ridiculous and embarrassing. He said okay, let’s take it in turns to pay for things. Fine, but it really is mostly rigid with that and he even keeps a ‘diary’ of who has paid what, it just feel so…… unromantic?? I don’t mind blummin paying for him and treating him to things because I love him, I don’t expect half back etc or for him to rigidly ensure he treats me the next time.

The thing is, although he’s careful with his money he will OCCASIONALLY be generous with me, i.e get the bill if we go out, or the cinema tickets etc but it will be only be occasionally. He is generous to other people in his life, we had his brother and his wife down a few weeks ago and when they arrived on the Friday evening, he took us all out for a 3 course dinner and paid for the lot, same when his parents and friends have visited, in fact, he is pretty generous with his family and friends? He gave his brother a cheque for £8k when they were last down, to put into his two nephew’s trust funds. I felt an enormous rush of love for him when he did this, it was such a lovely, lovely thing to do.

He also went out and spent £30k on a boat a few weeks ago, so it’s really not like he doesn’t like spending money. He definitely doesn’t mind spending on his hobbies etc, he’s just not into frivolous spending I guess but also, doesn’t yet, seem to want to be generous when it comes to me?

Despite all said above, he is unbelievably kind, caring, supportive, good and generous in bed. He looks after me when I am ill, washes and cleans my car for me randomly when I’m not expecting it, has spent all day when I was on a girls day time cocktail/shopping trip fixing my car and the sole of a boot of mine that had broken, he cooks me dinner, brings me tea and toast in the morning at the weekends, gives me lifts if I need them, supports me in my hobby, is lovely to my friends and family. He is pretty perfect, but, for some reason I just don’t feel comfortable with him re money.

I am aware this post makes me seem like a mercenary gold digger, I promise you I’m not. I really do, I think I have just been really lucky with my ex in that he was an all-round nice guy and generous to boot. I have now met another all-round nice guy but he just tirelessly counts and records every penny when it comes to us and our relationship and I am starting to wonder whether this will continue (given that he is generous with his friends and family) and if so, whether it is a deal breaker for me. He has been vocal about wanting kids and we have talked about the future, I have absolutely no doubt that he would be generous with his children and they would want for nothing…but what about the mother of his children? We haven’t moved in together yet, again he’s hinted but at the moment I am failing to see how it would work, I have cheap rent where I am at the moment, if he expected me to pay half of everything, I would have about £100 a month leftover to pay for things like haircuts, nights out, clothes etc. I would struggle. I would end up resenting him.

But he won't want to marry you will he, not unless you are earning the same or more as him - where does that leave your future - I could be wrong but the way he is behaving would indicate that.

In 2 years have you been away together anywhere or is that a no go cos you can't afford it?

I think it's even more strange that you think it's normal, it really isn't, he's putting you way down on his priority list.

What does he do that is so nice, the more you write the more annoyed we are getting at his stinginess.

My partner still surprises me after years together with a nice surprise meal or a present - it's called showing appreciation for that person, other than paying halfers what exactly does he do to make you feel special?

I would question his view on the future of your relationship. His attitude towards money smacks of someone who doesn't see himself in it for the long haul - I know that sounds harsh but that's how I feel.

If you see your long term future with someone - these issues are no longer important.

I think perhaps he may suck it up and change. I am the boss in our relationship if you like. We tend to do what I want, when I want. I tend to make all the decisions.

Not intentional but I am quite dominant in relationships and I think he is quite passive

I would say so far being 'passive' is working well for him.

I understand he doesn't ask you to bring food. But he doesn't offer to pay his share, and you don't for it and if it were the other way round he would no doubt ask you. It's the equivalent to eating out 3-4 x a week with you picking up the tab, although obviously it's slightly cheaper than a restaurant.

You would have more money spend on restaurant if you weren't generously subsidising his suppers.

As everything else is good, then of course if you can talk about this with him and really hope you manage to sort it out.

But this is not just a small niggle, financial incompatibility, in other words how a spouse handles money, is one of the top 5 reasons for divorce.

you don't ask for it ^^

Do you think it's possible that this money thing is his way of having some control?

Don't fool yourself that you are the dominant. If you look at it carefully it may turn out that he is, in his passive way.

How much debt are you in Queen? Surely it's best if you wound things down a bit - perhaps see him at his once or twice a week, cut down on cinema and stuff like that.

Also, why don't you do the cooking at your house when he comes over so you can make a huge curry or spag Bol that'll last a few days?

What I mean to say is, if you got rid of your debt, would things be more equitable?

It just sounds to me like he's been badly stung by his ex and is trying to avoid a repeat. He otherwise sounds lovely.

It might be worth changing your habits so you are more of a saver, then a spender. All you have to do is educate yourself about handling cash.

You don't come across as dominant at all, you come across as someone who is constantly trying not to upset him and are doing your best to please at all times - honestly, that's how it's coming across.

He has made money a fundamental issue in your relationship - that's probably why you are now feeling paranoid about who pays what, when, and what for.

He is forcing you to act, through his own passive inaction. I think that in itself is rather dominant....

You may be loudest, but he still seems to get his way.....

OP I suggest that you read through your posts again....people are only posting based upon what you have said about him.

Also, why are you minimising what you have previously said? You've said that you stay at his and bring food 3/4 times per week but then say that if he has bought dinner he will then ask 'could you get dinner tonight?' It's all very odd.

You really need to speak to him...

I also don't get the taking food round to each other's houses thing. If he comes to yours , you cater. If you go to his, he caters. Seems much easier

Why not try it out:
Save like mad for a few months, penny pinch everything and with him. Pay off as much debt as you can.
No meals out, no cinema, no trips.
Cook inexpensive things at your home, spend as much at his as at yours, don't allow him to take things to yours, don't take to his.

Get a feel for his reaction.

And yes, it is a bit unreasonable for him to ask you to provide dinner at his. We are more likely to say "thanks for dinner, I've brought some wine to say thanks". Or such like. Not be pointing out the financial implications of cooking 3 nights on the trot - if that makes sense

I mean, if you weren't there he'd have to cater for himself wouldn't he? It's like he's happy to ride on your financial coat tails but as soon as you cost HIM £1.76 in deodorant or whatever, he's not so happy!

The deodorant and wipes situation was ridiculous. I also don't understand why you are taking food to his house (unless it's a favourite dish that is your speciality etc) two years in to the relationship.

I would have thought that you would have found a more workable long term solution by now.

If you are thinking of marriage, does he realise that he might have to fork out for a ring? I sense a pre-nup would be on the cards...

Yeah I just can't think what is going through his head when he asks you to 'get dinner' when you are at his.

What is he thinking? 'Gosh, this food has cost me a bit this week, best get gf to stump up or I won't be able to afford my £30k boat next week'.

Its just so odd!

Re his ex, he said she was ‘money orientated’ his brother’s wife and one of his best friends wives both told me in the toilet when we were at a wedding after we’d been together about a year that ‘She expected him to pay for everything all the time and after only 6 months of them going out she was saying how she wanted them to move in together and her give up her job and she only worked 4 days a week anyway!. So, in fairness, it was his brother’s wife and best friend’s wife (who are lovely) that have been ‘bad mouthing’ her and calling her a ‘gold digger’ to me, not him.

This is weird too. Why are they passing this information onto you? Can you not see how passive aggressive and manipulative this is? You're not BFF's however "lovely" they may seem.

Is it one of those "hope you're not like her, it's your job to prove it by bringing over dinner and not ripping him off for the interest he would gain on £4 not returned immediately"? or where will the £8000 for my kids trust fund come from

Like someone said upthread, it's like him and his family are weird and controlling and money-orientated, but projecting it onto you.

It IS odd I agree. And I speak as someone in a 2 year relationship that don't live together and who are at each other's houses 4 times a week. We are just not like this at all. In fact, when I told be about this thread last night he was astounded

There's nothing to say that the two of you can't work out a compromise that works out for the pair of you. However, the following attitude of yours concerns me:

I think perhaps he may suck it up and change.

People don't change, generally. And when they do, it's because they are supremely motivated to do so. And it has to come from themselves, and be done for their own sake (ie. not yours), otherwise it is unsustainable: you would become the warden of their behaviour, and they get to resent you because they are doing it "for you". That really doesn't work out well in the long term.

So, clear compromise and agreed guidelines for behaviour, might work. But change? It is a vain, vain hope to be with a person in the hopes that they will change...

When me and (now) DH were not living together but dating, we stayed at each others places 4-5 times a week and whoever's flat we were at provided the food and 'hosted'.

There was no bringing of food over, (except maybe a text/call of 'need anything for dinner?' as he was passing a shop). And maybe he'd bring a bottle if we fancied it. And vice versa.

In the end when you are staying at each others that much its often quite soon that you decide to downsize to one place and really save some cash!

I'm a bloke, I wouldn't dream of acting like that. He's a tight bastard. (IMO a very big turn off)

hi there
this is my first post, but I saw this thread before joining and thought about it from both sides. I can see the OP has made a lot of points about the good side of her partner. I also know enough people who have been burned financially that when they get a new partner, they draw a line in the sand that can be quite OTT. I speak as one who is very frugal, my DP thinks it's crazy how much I like to save.

I don't get the cinema and loo roll thing either, but one thing I will say is that sometimes we don't realise how odd our habits look to others. I think the OP is right to have a chat with her partner first rather than assume it's all terrible. It looks like there is good stuff too. It can also be really hard explaining anything practical to people as we all do it so differently. I have a separate social account than my partner, I don't like mixing finances. We have had disagreements on where to holiday because I don't like to spend. But we got it sorted, just some chat and give and take.

I think this one could go either way but I see the OP has referenced his good points. Plus, with cleaning, he hasn't asked her to do it.

OP, I hope it works out for you, let us know what he says.

Just to bring another experience...

When DH and I got first started dating, he was a bit like this - we went on a weekend away and he even wanted to split the damned parking charge. We sat down and I explained that this more than anything else would ruin the time for me. He said that he had had a bad experience with his ex as they had been on a long haul holiday where he had paid for everything and she dumped him at the airport when they landed back home. Because I understood, I could talk to him better and we worked through it. We decided that when we spent money, it was an investment in our relationship - going places, doing things together etc.

We then broadly agreed to split stuff - so if we went out for dinner, we alternated but broadly.

DH can still be a bit tight but we have the type of relationship where if I tell him, he can see what I mean, and normally just needs reminding that stuff costs money! He thinks I can be more cash happy, but we sit down together and work out what got spent and it's normally very close - plus, we now have fully joint bills and accounts.

If he has been very badly stung by an ex, he may not realise how tight he is being. Why don't you try talking to him properly - "it hurts me when you say x because I feel y. We're in it for the long term". Try and make him see it's an investment.

When I first went out with DH he was unemployed but he paid for outings to cinema/meals etc. I would not give this man the time of day. There is an old saying 'Penny wise pound foolish'. He is a fool because he is going to lose you.